August 28, 2013

(Op/Ed) OJ Simpson: "I May Be Civilly Liable for Two Murders, but I NEVER Took Steroids"

LOVELOCK CORRECTION CENTER - NEVADA -  (@The Comedy News)  - As a former National Football League star and actor, I am thoroughly disgusted at the rampant steroid abuse amongst today's professional athletes.  

First, to clear the air:  Yes, I may be civilly liable for two grisly murders.  But that was almost two decades ago.  In all of my 60-plus years on this Earth, I never took steroids.

I won a Heisman Trophy.  I am in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  I co-starred in The Naked Gun movies---even did my own stunts.  I am a loving father twice over.  

This all required some hard physical work.  But never so hard that I would let down all of my fans, coaches, and family (in that order) by polluting my body with unnatural performance-enhancing steroids.  That is just despicable.  

Alex Rodriguez.  Lance Armstrong.  Barry Bonds.   By taking steroids, they disrespected the sports that have brought them so much over the years.  Millions of people invest parts of their lives in seeing them succeed.  And to know that these athletes received such acclaim using illicit steroids, in a way,  THEY are taking lives of millions.

Sure, I may have been responsible for the deaths of two human beings.  But not criminally, only civilly.  Let's be sure we are clear on the adverbs we have agreed on.  

Further, murder is mentioned in the Bible.  Sometimes as a sin, I know this for sure.   But many times, as a sacrament to The Lord.  Still, nowhere in the Bible is there any mention that athletic gladiators should be allowed to poison the purity of their bodies and with steroids. 

Lastly, before I get too preachy, please give that South African olympic sprinter with no legs that killed his girlfriend a break, he made an honest mistake.  If he killed her, it was probably because he loved her.   At least he didn't use steroids.  

The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief.  You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.