October 19, 2010

Republicans and Democrats Reach Compromise on Springsteen

Republicans Overwhelmingly Favor "Born in the USA", while Dems Rock out to "The Rising"

ASBURY PARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - When it comes to finding musical anthems for political campaigns, candidates have not looked much further than Bruce Springsteen.

Republicans and Democrats have reached a compromise on what Bruce Springsteen songs they will be repeating over and over throughout campaign season: republicans will begin and end their rallies to the sounds of "Born in the USA", while democrats will swoon with hope while bobbing to "The Rising".

Political scientist Dr. Edward Cooper from the University of Southern California was the lead arbitrator who officiated the negotiations between the democrats and GOP.

"The campaign song is vital to getting the voters to support you. And Springsteen's music is the perfect cocktail of generic, unoffensive, yet tritely inspiring sounds that provide just enough distraction from the critical issues," Dr. Cooper reported in a written statement. "Right after the candidates finish their bland speeches, there is little time to let voters think critically for themselves, so the music starts to play. And once Springsteen's music starts to infect them, another vote is very likely to be locked up."

"Born in the USA has been a favorite song of republicans for many years," says Republican strategist, Dorothy Zampowski who led the Springsteen Summit negotiations for the GOP. "That the lyric, 'Born in the USA, I'm a cool rocking daddy in the USA' has resonated very well for republicans in tight races. The words "cool", "rocking", and "daddy" are all by definition unrelated, especially amongst us pro-war guys."

Zampowski continued, "...but when them words are aligned together and paired with the hum-dum-dum of Springsteen's guitar, it really draws in any wavering GOP voters. Let's not forget that the main jewel of this song is the title---BORN in the USA---which evokes strong emotions about natural-born citizenship. The song is about being Born in the USA! And you know how much we republicans love our Presidents to be born in the USA."

Democrats' use of the song, The Rising, has come to symbolize the democrats' strategies in several ways.

"The ambiance. Man, the ambiance," reflects unemployed democratic strategist Ted Kankerton. [Singing] "Can't see nothin' in front of me, can't see nothin' coming up behind. It's all like, 'li li li li li li li'! Whatever politician can march out to the sounds of this! Man, they are the man."

Kankerton's inexplicable reasoning comes at a time when democrats can hardly articulate what concrete issues they stand for---besides just being socially progressive, holding hands, looking to the sky with wretched indecisiveness, and basically doing all things good and respectful onto others.

Simple tangible evidence, the kind that typically woos republicans, is also nowhere to be found in the lyrics to 'The Rising'.  One atheist, Marxist dem noted, "the best part about the lyrics is that they are much more creative, deeper, poetic, and meaningful, which has kept us democrats from being able to relate to the conservatives who only care about being 'born in the USA'".

Attempts to contact Bruce Springsteen directly were not immediately returned. However, his most recent Twitter entry may be indicating an independent run for political office: "Soul patches, red white and blue wall paper, secret gardens, and glorious days. A Different Kinda Jersey Guy. Vote for The Boss in 2016! "