September 1, 2010

Study: T-9 Users Get Defensive Around iPhone Users

BALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - A recent Johns Hopkins University study has concluded that 84% of T-9 mobile phones become defensive when confronted by an iPhone user.

The acronym T-9 stands for "Text on 9 keys". This keyboard style is considered a modest and primitive means of entering text onto a hand-held mobile telephone device.

In Washington, D.C., T-9 users were twice as likely to avoid sitting next to an iPhone user on the Metro Train in an attempt to avoid the sheer humiliation of being satisfied with an antiquated device of the past. Several nightclubs in Miami, New York, and Los Angeles have even forbidden any T-9 phones from their premises.

Anton Mendocino, owner of the hip new South Beach nightclub Marble, had concens. 

"T-9 folks have really become a problem here," lamented Mendocino. "Gangs armed with Razrs and LG flip phones have repeatedly fought with bouncers, assaulted waitresses, flooded the bathrooms. This one guy even managed to steal 6 iPhones from partiers with excessive force. He then proceeded to flush them down one of the men's room toilets. There was toilet water all over freakin' mahogany dance floor. The party kept going, no one really noticed except for our staff, but that's when I put my foot down. T-9 users need not come in here."

Apple iPhone users are not alone in instigating discomfort in T-9 users.

All T-9 users (99.7 % with a margin of error of +/-0.3) expressed that they felt inferior to all users of mobile devices with full QWERTY keyboards (including the BlackBerry, Droid, Samsung Cloud, LG Fuse, and even the FisherPrice DuckCluckNCall).

T-9 users were followed up with whether their perception of QWERTY keyboards changed when the input was a touch screen. However, no study participant could bear to admit any additional shame in their coveting, so no significant data could be analyzed to conclude what we all already know.