Fat Guy Tells Concerned Nation He Won't Start Running Anytime in the Future

TRENTON, NJ - (@TheComedyNews)) - A fat guy in New Jersey announced to a nation of concerned citizens that he will not be running any time soon.

"This is typical behavior by the overweight and out of shape," a concerned jobless mother of 9 lamented.  "We didn't know his name, but he looked mighty snug and sweaty in his suit.  He could have been a true inspiration to our concerned, fat nation."

The fat guy from New Jersey spoke to a crowd of reporters who had braced themselves for what they were certain would have been the first sight of the fat guy running.  

"We understand that it's trite, overdone, and not anyone's business to tell a fat guy that he should be running," prefaced one reporter.  He continued, "...still, all the experts agree, you should definitely run."

Immediately following his announcement not to run, the fat guy from New Jersey pulled out a turkey leg from his breast pocket, took a big bite, and shouted, "viva Jersey!" 

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Lactose-Intolerant Indy 500 Winner Absent from Victory Party

Dan Wheldon Drinks Victory Milk, Misses Post-Race Celebrations

  

INDIANAPOLIS, IND. - (@TheComedyNews) - In front of a capacity crowd of 257,325 spectators, English driver Dan Wheldon won the Indianapolis 500 car race this afternoon, only to go missing immediately following the race----presumably due to his lactose intolerance.

It has been tradition since 1933 that the winner of the Indianapolis 500 drink a bottle of "victory milk" as they accept the victory trophy.  Although the winners have the option to drink whole, 2%, or skim milk, there has never been any lactose-free milk offered to the winners.

Unfortunately for Dan Wheldon, he joins a short list of lactose-intolerant Indy 500 winners.  

It became apparent that Wheldon was uncomfortable on the victory stage when he started chugging the victory milk and clutching his abdomen.  As he started to writhe in discomfort, Wheldon started dousing himself with the milk, likely in an effort to avoid drinking any more, and to appease the raucous car racing fans watching on TV at home.  

"Yeah, we haven't seen 'em since he was on the victory stage," described 4-time Indy 500 winner AJ Foyt.  "He looked like me when I had just won the race in 1977.  I took two big gulps and then... woosh!  Right to the stomach it went to wreak havoc.  Poor guy."

Wheldon was absent from his victory party, but he did, however, update his Twitter page during his absence:  "Ughhh, crampy.  These weren't the fireworks I was expecting." 

It is rumored that once Wheldon emerges from the bathroom that he will get an offer to be an official spokesman for Lactaid. 

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