March 27, 2012

Conservative Justices Each Offer Ultimatum to Obama in Exchange for Health Care Reform Support

L to R:  Thomas, Scalia, Alito, Roberts, Kennedy

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - The five most conservative Justices on the United States Supreme Court have set the terms for what could sway them to favor upholding the controversial "Obama Care" law.  Each of the Justices was asked to respond to the following prompt: 

I will vote in favor of the constitutionality of President Obama's Health Care Reform law if....

Chief Justice John Roberts
"...Obama stops blaming me for flubbing his oath of office.  It was his fault." 

Justice Samuel Alito
"...Obama lets me, my wife, and my kids see the pictures of Osama Bin Laden's bloodied dead corpse."

Justice Antonin Scalia
"...Obama promotes me to Chief Justice, instead of that rat bastard Roberts." 

Justice Anthony Kennedy
"...Obama can get the American public to stop assuming that I'm a liberal windsurfing womanizing drunk catholic Masshole chowderhead, just because my last name is Kennedy." 

Justice Clarence Thomas
"...Obama issues an Executive Order to allow Supreme Court Justices to sexually harass their coworkers, as well as decriminalizing the adding of discarded nether region hair to Coke cans if the intent is an all-deliberate malicious prank."