March 15, 2012

75-Year-Old Curmudgeon Somehow Dominates All of His NCAA Basketball Pools Again

HILL VALLEY, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Casino magnate and Biffco Toxic Waste CEO Biff Tannen has once again dominated each and every one of his NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament pick brackets.  This year marks the 57th straight year that Tannen has predicted each of the winners flawlessly.

"Yeah butthead, that's right, nobody knows sports but me," Tannen told Dick Vitale in an exclusive interview.  "My NCAA Basketball brackets are flawless, and they'll always be flawless.  So you know what, Dick?  Why don't you make like a tree and go gush over some basketball."

This year, Tannen collected another $900 Billion in gambling spoils.  Some experts believe that Tannen may very well be the smartest human of all time.

"There's hardly an explanation to explain Mr. Tannen's success with predicting sporting event outcomes over the last half century," explained Professor Gerald Bearing of Princeton University.  "It's either dumb luck, Biff is a genius, or someone from the future gave Biff a list of all the winners for the last fifty or so years---highly unlikely!  I'm gonna conclude that Biff Tannen is indeed a genius---a modern-day Nostradamus."

Since 1955, Tannen has been the most accurate gambler and predictor of sporting event outcomes that the world has ever seen.  In recent years, he has predicted both of Butler University's championship game berths, the New England Patriots' 18-1 meltdown in 2008, and even the Appalachian State victory over the Michigan Wolverines in 2007. 

Although Tannen claims to have "just a magic touch", his predicting abilities seem to be limited to sporting events only.  Some have chastised Tannen for not using his predicting abilities to foresee tragic events to benefit humanity. 

"All I can say is that there's no money to be made in predicting world events.  So I'm not gonna even try," Tannen sneered at reporters while quickly burying his face into a book he has discreetly been reading since the spring of 1955.  "Yeah even if I could predict the Kennedy Assassination, the Challenger Crash, or 9/11, I wouldn't of (sic) said anything about it... unless of course, I could make some sort of monetary wager with someone saying it won't happen."***

***Editors note:  Tannen was good friends with Former Presidents Lyndon Johnson, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush.