September 25, 2011

Two Hikers Released from Iran Prison Back in Jail After Wearing Giants Gear at Philadelphia Eagles Game

"We Just Thought We Could Support Our Favorite Team at a Road Game"

PHILADELPHIA, PA - (@TheComedyNews) - The two American hikers that had been detained for two years for illegally crossing into Iran have been detained yet again---only mere hours after being freed from Iranian custody. 

"We just thought we could support our favorite team at a road game," screamed the retired hikers.  "We didn't mean to ruffle any feathers by going into opposing team territory, we were just curious and excited to see our Giants in Phlly."

Shortly after arriving at JFK Airport on Sunday, the freed hikers, Joshua Fattal and Shane Bauer, decided they would celebrate their liberation by eagerly traveling that afternoon to see their favorite football team, the New York Giants take on the Philadelphia Eagles. 

Unfortunately for Fattal and Bauer, they entered the wrong stadium at the wrong time while wearing the wrong colors. 

Philadelphia is known worldwide as the worst place to see a sporting event while cheering from the away team.  Eagles fans in particular, due to their team's propensity to lose championship games in nauseating drama, are known to be among the most vile, aggressive, and territorial to any trespassers not wearing Eagles apparel.

Fattal and Bauer, clad in New York Giants apparel, marched pridefully into Lincoln Financial Field to a barrage of boos, profanities, and discarded cheesesteak grease.  Witnesses say that the two grossly outnumbered Giants fans became offended and taunted the Eagles fans right back. 

"We had reason to believe that there were unwelcome visitors within the confines of the kingdom of the Philadelphia Eagles football team," said a Lincoln Financial Field security official in a written statement.  "There is a state-indoctrinated law here that states that dissenters upon the Eagles may be harassed, and even face corporal punishment.  You're also branded as a Class I dumbass on your criminal record."

Fattal and Bauer are currently being detained at the jail cell in the basement of Lincoln Financial Field, and are being forced to watch round-the-clock archive footage of the Eagles choking in big games. 

September 10, 2011

"Elitist Loser Trophy" To Be Awarded to Winner of Michigan-Notre Dame Game

124-Year-Old Rivalry to Finally Get Its Own Trophy to Compensate for Being Over-Rated

ANN ARBOR, MI - (@TheComedyNews) - After tainting both of their storied 124-year old football rivalries with multiple seasons of losing records, the University of Michigan and University of Notre Dame football teams have figured out how to spice up their match-up:  a trophy. 

"We both always say we're the best football teams, but --- off the record---Michigan and Notre Dame football of today is really nothing more than elitist losers shrouded in pretty logos and annoying catchy fight songs," admitted Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly.

"We're not recording, are we?  Okay good.  Yeah, both our teams are insanely overrated," agreed Michigan head coach Brady Holke.  "Coach Kelly and I went on a bar crawl on State Street in Madison, Wisconsin this summer and we talked through both of our frustrations," Holke continued.  "We decided that the Michigan-Notre Dame rivalry game on September 10 of this year will be the first match-up for the new 'Elitist Loser' Trophy."

The 100,000 delusional fans at Michigan Stadium for Saturday's inaugural "Elitist Loser Game" will enjoy multiple self-indulging spectacles to maintain the dwindling legacies of both schools throughout the game:  

---After every incomplete pass, the announcer will remind the crowd how many National Championships the offensive team has.

---Every time either team's fight song is played, female strippers wearing only Notre Dame and Michigan pasties will kiss and dance on each other (**Notre Dame ethics board is reviewing this for the 2012 game**)

---The team that is not winning will not have their score posted on the scoreboard.

---At the conclusion of every game, notable alumni of each school will participate in a wrestling match--- for the 2011 game, Tom Brady and Rudy Tomjanovich (Michigan) will fight in a tag-team match against Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger and Paul Hornung (Notre Dame).

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September 6, 2011

Maryland's New Football Jerseys Recalled After Being Found to Induce Vomiting

COLLEGE PARK, MD - (@TheComedyNews) - The University of Maryland's new football jerseys have been recalled by the FDA due to thousands of cases of inducing vomiting in on-lookers.

"We have reason to believe that these garish, hideous uniforms have caused upwards of 50,000 people to spontaneously vomit upon first sight," an FDA spokesman announced.  

Similar recalls have been forced upon other sports teams including the Oregon Ducks and the 1965 Houston Astros.  

Recently, there has been a class-action lawsuit by the FDA against graphic t-shirt "designers" Affliction and Ed Hardy, for inducing vomiting, cringing, hate and all around faithlessness in society when people see their products.

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POLL: 100% of Big Ten Football Fans Don't Know What the New Divisions Are Named

33% of Opening Week Football Fans "Don't Give A Shit" About New Divisions: Leaders & Legends

MIDWESTERN USA - (@TheComedyNews) -A Poll released today finds that all Big Ten Conference football fans either don't know the new division names in the now 12-team conference, or just don't give a shit.

The poll was conducted over this past opening week of college football at Big Ten stadiums throughout the Midwest.  Random fans were asked, "What are the names of the new six-team divisions in the Big Ten Conference?"

The results (as seen in the pie graph on the right) show that there is not a single Big Ten football fan that knows what the divisions in the conference are.

And what exactly do Big Ten football fans think the conference divisions are named?

21% - Labias & Lesions
18% - Libya & Lobbyists
15% - Ladies & Gentlemen
33% - I don't give a shit. 
11% - "Go Blue!"

Dividing schools up into two divisions is a new concept for the Big Ten conference.  The division names, Leaders & Legends, were released in 2010 in the wake of Nebraska joining the Big Ten to bring the total number of teams in the conference to an even twelve.

Big Ten officials refuse to confirm that the two words were lifted straight out of the University of Michigan's fight song.  Officials also refuse to confirm that "Leaders & Legends" were purposefully selected to be an arrogant put-down against conferences that dare to condescend to divide their teams up using geographic monikers (North, South, East, and West).

Pollsters did encounter their fair share of harassment.  Below is a list of other commonly heard responses to the question, "What are the names of the new six-team divisions in the Big Ten Conference?"

"I know it starts with an L, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY have to do this 3-story beer bong.  It's like, tradition, man!"  (Madison, Wisconsin)

"I-O-W-..."  (Iowa City, Iowa)

"Can't we just skip this test and start basketball season 2 months early?"  (East Lansing, Michigan)

"The better question is, why the hell isn't Joe Paterno talking about his starring role in the Academy Award-nominated film, 'Up'?" (University Park, Pennsylvania)

"If you know what the division names are, you hate freedom, you hate America and you want the terrorists to win.  GO BUCKEYES!"  (Columbus, Ohio)

 "Hail to those motherf---..."  (Ann Arbor, Michigan)

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