JERUSALEM, ISRAEL - (@TheComedyNews) - An unnamed Israeli news source is reporting that a leaked internal schedule for the Lord our God, Adonai has been found and made public.
"God's daily schedule was found this morning in a discarded manilla folder on Ben Yehuda Street," revealed the unnamed source. "It appears that Adonai's day includes several five to 20-minute breaks when He is not watching over the conduct humanity at all."
Some members of the Jewish faith look forward to exploiting some of God's intermittent downtime during the Holiday of Yom Kippur--- the most sacred day of year in Judaism. On this day, Jews around the world refrain from eating from sundown to sundown to atone for their sins in the previous year.
"I'm totally going out to McDonalds to get a kosher Big Mac at about 1:20 PM today," rejoiced Sherri Adelsberg, a Chicago-native that recently made aliyah to Israel. At around the time Adelsberg sneaks her food when she should be fasting, God is scheduled to take a cigarette break from 1:15 PM until 1:30 PM.
God's internal schedule that was leaked is translated below. Downtime highlighted in Yellow:
04:55 AM - Bokaer Tov
05:00 - 05:30 AM - Walk the Kelev
05:30 - 06:30 AM - Watch over thy people
06:30 AM - Make the Sun Rise
07:30 - 09:00 AM - Damning Traffic in New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, DC
09:01 AM - Bathroom break
09:02 - 11:00 AM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services
11:00 - 11:15 AM - Hookah break / Bathroom
11:15- 13:00 PM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services
13:00 - 13:15 PM - Conference call with Buddah, Zeus, Jesus, Richard Dawkins (Passcode: 666-69)
13:15 - 13:30 PM - Cigarette Break
13:30 - 15:30 PM - Watch over thy people
15:31 PM - Bathroom break
15:32 - 15:35 PM - Monitor 4th Quarter of College American Football (Note: Notre Dame on NBC)
15:35 - 17:00 PM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services
17:00 - 17:15 PM - Pain/anguish-infliction lottery
17:15 - 18:00 PM - Make Kugel for Abraham's Break-Fast gathering
18:20 PM - Force the Sun to go down
18:21- 18:23 PM - Brace for Yom Kippur prayer-overload and brief remarks
18:24 - 20:00 PM -Abraham's Break-Fast gathering
20:00 - 20:45 PM - Take the Almighty Train back home.
20:45 - 21:00 PM - Take Kelev for a walk, cigarette
21:00 - 21:45 PM - Watch Jon Stewart on DVR
21:45 PM - 22:00 PM- Bathroom for the S's (Shit, shower shave, sing Sting songs, salute self, sanitize sink, stare silently at self, swap stuff with Satan on sInternet)
22:00 PM - Lailah tov