November 27, 2012

'JDate Going Really Well', Thinks Guy Who Doesn't Realize How Rude He Just Was


BOSTON, MA - (@TheComedyNews) -  While on his first JDate in a month, Max Rubinstein smiled across the cocktail table to his date, Rebecca Schumer.  It was at this juncture that Max thought that things were going beyond smoothly.  He knew was in---she was digging his flattery----buttering her up for what was certain to lead this JDate to an intimate end.  

"This JDate is going really well----just keep on smooth-talking and I am in!" Max thought to himself. 

Little did Max realize that his comment comparing Rebecca to his ex was the rudest thing he could have done in that moment.

"You're not as cute as my last girlfriend, but you do look smarter," Max said while chewing on some of Rebecca's red velvet cake with his mouth open.  "But no offense.  I'm starting to like smart-looking girls, anyways," he continued.

Shocked and floored, Rebecca could only sit with her mouth partially open, eyebrows lowering.

"Oh man, she can't stop looking into my eyes, you did it Maxy!"  Max thought to himself. 

Max wanted to keep his perceived momentum going, so he followed up his "flattery" with back-to-back 20-minute stories about himself.  First, a smug tale about when he turned 13, his parents voted him their favorite child (out of four total).  This was followed by an iPhone slideshow of Max's beloved cat, Matzah, and then a profane diatribe about how Nixon should have defeated JFK in the 1960 election.

The waiter for the pair told reporters that throughout the evening, Max used five of the 'seven words you can't say on television'.  

After about 90 excruciating minutes, the check arrived. At that point Max thought, "Alright, fourth quarter, you're Tom Brady, better pull out the A-Material, son!"   Out loud, this translated into Max saying, "so Rebecca, tell me about yourself." 

Not wanting to indulge, Rebecca replied, "I'm getting a text message from a friend.  She's, umm, having a bit of a crisis.  I really should go now.  She's my best friend from college."

Wanting to turn up some more cute flirting, Max snapped, "you went to college?"

As the JDate parted ways, Rebecca conceded an awkward side-hug with Max.  Max then looked into Rebecca's eyes one last time, flashed a sideways peace-sign and said, "I'll be in touch.  Peace sugar!"

Upon arriving home, Rebecca deactivated her JDate account and changed Max's name in her iPhone to "Don't Answer #7".

November 20, 2012

Bagel Snob New Yorker Ruins The Mood At Breakfast Again

Jacob Engelstein hating on bagels.
CHICAGO, IL - (@The Comedy News) - A wholesome breakfast between college friends Jacob Engelstein and Mara Brown came to a bitter conclusion after Engelstein began to proselytize about how bagels in his home town of New York City are better than all of the bagels made elsewhere.

Engelstein was in Chicago for the weekend, visiting from his home town of New York.

"You call dis a bagel? In New Yawk, we got real bagels," Engelstein said when Mara's sesame seed bagel with lox and cream cheese arrived at the table.  "I only get bagels from Bagel Express on Third.  Everyt'ing else is gahhhbage."

Mara Brown, the Chicago-native who had to endure Engelstein's rants, said that throughout their time at Northwestern University, Engelstein would always find a way to remind everyone within shouting distance that New York City has the best bagels.

"During sophomore year of college, Jacob was sweet enough to come to a shiva service for my grandfather who passed away," Brown explained.  "But as soon as the bagel and veggie spreads were served to mourners, Jacob just went off.  Ended up getting into a fist fight with my uncle Morty after mouthing off about the bagels being frozen, not fresh."

Engelstein and Brown had plans of visiting Brown's favorite Jewish deli in Skokie later that afternoon, but Brown canceled.  

"After Jacob started explaining for the billionth time why the water in New York makes all the bagels and pizza better, I knew I could no longer take his smug parsing of non-New York food," explained Brown.  "He's already knocked Chicago bagels, Chicago-style pizza, and even called my Rabbi 'reverend' to his face.  I'm not gonna let him trash my favorite matzo balls in town."

Shortly after parting ways with Brown, Engelstein ended up being detained at O'Hare airport for trying to sneak concealed canteens of New York tap water onto a plane. 

November 8, 2012

POST-ELECTION: Racist Virginia Man Declares Racism in U.S. Has Ended

LYNCHBURG, VA - (@The Comedy News) – Reports out of Lynchburg, Virginia indicate that racism in the United States may finally be over.  Over a family dinner on Wednesday night, Frank Daniels declared that Barack Obama’s reelection signifies that "the United States, which allowed the ownership of slaves for nearly 100 years, has moved beyond race."

Daniels continued his rant while drinking French wine poured by his housekeeper, Virgil.  “We just elected a black man as President for the second time.  How the heck could that happen if there was racism? Are you kidding me? That’s just like those people to complain like that.”

Daniels voted for McCain in 2008 and Romney in 2012.  He has frequently mentioned that he could not vote for Obama because of the candidate’s Kenyan citizenship--- but, still insists that race did not play a factor in his vote. 

“I mean, look at him [Obama].  He just doesn’t seem like he’d be from this country, with a name like that and all.  If he were white, I’d think the same thing.  But I’ve never met a white guy named Barack.  I rest my case.”

Daniels insisted that "blacks, Mexicans, and Jews now have the same opportunities" and receive the same treatment as anyone else in the United States.  He continued, “I really think there’s been a lot of change over the past couple of years. I may even let that dark-skinned boy at the Buy ‘n Save bag my groceries.”

--UPDATE (11/8/2012 - 11:11: AM) --
Daniels was thrown in jail Wednesday morning for indecent exposure at a Buy 'n Save check out line.  The judge has set the bond at $30, of which no members of Daniels' family or known friends have come forward to pay.
-M.S.

November 6, 2012

How Will You Be Spending the Wednesday After the Election?

Several of the candidates who are on the ballots today, as well as their fans across America, are already making plans for how they will spend the day after election day:

President Barack Obama
"Having hot sweaty passionate victory sex with ma belle, Michelle."

Vice President Joe Biden
"Making crude innuendos at the President after intentionally walking in on he and Michelle having hot sweaty passionate victory sex."

Mitt Romney
"Creating a Monster.com profile so I can go back to work for the first time since 2002."

Paul Ryan
"Avoiding eye contact with Karl Rove.  Man, that white devil's not gonna wanna talk to me for a while."

Bruce Springsteen
"Working on writing a trite hit song to inspire the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  And by inspire, I of course mean exploit."

Ted Nugent
"At Home Depot buying a piece of paper, a pen, a foot stool, and some rope."