March 20, 2013

Jewish American Princess Demoted to Jewish American Noble

SYOSSET, NEW YORK - (@The Comedy News) - A high school senior at Syosset High School in New York was informed today that she may no longer be classified as a Jewish American Princess.  

"So basically I was called to the cool table at lunch for an emergency meeting," said Dara Pfeifferberg, an 18-year-old high school senior planning to attend Appalachian State University in the Fall.  "I went to go sit down at my usual seat and Shira was sitting there and was all like, 'no, don't even hon.'"  

At that moment Dara was handed a detailed report chastising her lack of Jewish American Princess tendencies lately. 

Dara was handed a formal demotion letter sent in the form of a text message by the Jewish American Princess posse at her high school.  The contents are published below:

Dear Dare-bear,

We have tried to be patient.  We have tried to guilt you into keeping up with us.  But now we have no choice, we have to expel you from our clique and you must give up your Jewish American Princess certification.  

Its (sic) not all that bad tho.  You can like, still be a Jewish American Noble.  You'll pull it off well, really. 

It's not that we're sad to see you go, because we're not, we're really just ashamed to call you our friend.  No offense!!

Here's why you are no longer a Jewish American Princess (in random order):
  • Not giving out monogrammed sweatshirts at your Bat Mitzvah in 2008.
  • Driving a pick-up truck.

  • Failure to attend mandatory mirror and rumor time.
  • Dating a non-Jewish boy who is short, smart, balding, and terrible at sports.  What's the point?  Just date Yoni, or Dovid, or Moishe.

  •  Being overtly selfless and sincere in compliments.

  • Failure to memorize Glamour Magazine's top five brands of heels for the summer months.
  • And we also heard you referred to Rebekah Rosenblatt's outfit as a "bug-eyed sleeping bag in moon shoes wearing pillow case".   
In a related story, a Jewish American Prince, Matthew Strauss was demoted from Jewish American Prince to Jewish American Noble as well, after he was spotted with a Sigma Chi tattoo on his bicep, buying a used car at the listed price, using excessive mayonnaise, and storing his garbagecan not under the kitchen sink, but as part of the decor of his house in Idaho. 

March 13, 2013

"Fear Factor: The Jewish American Prince & Princess Edition"


NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News)  - Executives at NBC are debuting a spinoff of the hit game show, Fear Factor, titled "Fear Factor:  The Jewish American Prince & Princess Edition". 

Hosted by Canadian Jew Seth Rogan, the latest installment of Fear Factor will test the patience,  neuroses, and basic cardio endurance of Jewish American Princes and Princesses.  The first four episodes will take place in Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago.

The latest promotional advertisement features the 30-year-old actor speaking to the audience: "Hi I'm Seth Rogen, and this is 'Fear FactorThe Jewish American Prince and Princess Edition.' The stunts you are about to see were all designed and supervised by trained professionals---specifically Doctors, Lawyers, Fundraisers, and Rabbis. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, anytime." 

Below is a preview of each episode of the first season. 

PILOT EPISODE:  Miami Vices and Crises
Second Stunt:  Contestants will have to eat luke-warm, frozen store-bought bagels schmeared with Le Moche Chevre---- the world's most bitter blue cream cheese. 
Third Stunt:  The remaining Jewish American Princes and Princesses will be given a Lexus with four flat tires.  The fastest Jewish American Prince or Princess to change all four tires drives home with the Lexus.

EPISODE 2:  Dorks and Pork in New York
First Stunt:  Jewish American Princes and Princesses from the Midwest who have never visited New York will be challenged to travel from Yankee Stadium in the Bronx to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn without asking anyone for directions in less than four hours.

Second Stunt:  Contestants will be forced to sit in a room filled with 613 open jars of Manaschevitz gefilte fish.  The temperature will be set at 90 degrees.  The first three to exit the room or throw up will be eliminated. 

Third Stunt:  The remaining Jewish American Princes and Princesses will be forced to dine at New York's most vilified restaurant, Guy Fieri's American Kitchen and Bar.  None of the orders will be served timely or accurately.  The first contestant to heckle the waiter, chef, and Guy Fieri into running out of the restaurant crying and screaming hysterically wins------and gets to punch Guy Fieri in the balls.

EPISODE 3:  City of Angels (Even Though Jews Don't Believe in Angels)
First Stunt:  Contestants will have their federal income tax returns audited.  Those with errors will be eliminated. 

Second Stunt:  Contestants will be given $2,000 in cash and dropped off on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills during regular business hours.  Any contestant returning with less than $1,990 will be eliminated.

Third Stunt:  The remaining Jewish American Princes and Princesses will walk into the William Morris Endeavor talent agency, tell an original Aristocrats joke, and then act it out.  Whomever WME signs to an agent wins. 

EPISODE 4:  Chicago White Socks with Sandles
First Stunt: The contestants will be treated to a marathon of Mel Gibson movies: Mad Max, What Women Want, Conspiracy Theory, and The Passion of the Christ.  The first three to walk out or shout obscenities at the screen will be eliminated. 

Second Stunt: Contestants will spin a wheel labeled with the Ten Plagues of Egypt.  Whichever one of the plagues the wheel lands on, the contestants must eat---that includes darkness and firstborn.   

Third Stunt:  The remaining Jewish American Princes and Princesses will do the Hora on the observation deck of the Sears Tower.  The contestant that goes the longest before their mother phones them to "get down from there because it is dangerous" wins.