April 24, 2013

SURVEY: Why Am I Leaving Work Early?

A survey company asked 1,000 random Americans why they have sneaked out of work early over the past year.  The most common answers are listed below:  

  • Gotta get the best spot to stand at Fight Club.
  • Drug dealer asked me to hurry.
  • Mom's house, mom's rules.
  • Trying to impress parole officer with punctuality.
  • So no one I know sees me buying a ticket to see Scary Movie 5
  • Recreational softball is not 'just a game'.
  • Cats might get moody if I'm late for dinner again.
  • Must return red Ferrari before friends' dead-beat Dad notices it's missing.
  • Much easier to pad billable hours when no one is looking.
  • Wal-Mart having a going-out-of-business sale.
  • Attend Macaulay Culkin book-talk and autograph signing.
  • To throw some singles at the stripper before visiting the wife and kids.
  • To moonlight at our other subsistence wage job
  • To try to beat traffic, only to discover that everyone on the road did the exact same thing.
  • Got the extra hour off thanks to sequestration furloughs
  • To avoid having our boss give us 4 hours of last minute work at 4:55

April 3, 2013

NCAA To Pay Athletes Who Injure Themselves Intentionally

ATLANTA, GA - (@TheComedyNews) - The NCAA announced they will begin paying student athletes for any injury during March Madness that boosts ratings and keeps the tournament trending on social media.

This development stems from the gruesome and much-talked about broken leg suffered by Louisville Cardinals Men's Basketball guard Kevin Ware.  The injury had made national news headlines and has garnered over 2 million YouTube views.

"While the injury was horrific and we wish a speedy recovery for the young man, we would be lying to ourselves if we did not see the attention thi

s brought to the NCAA tournament," NCAA spokesman Ben Sherman said.  "We reached audiences who otherwise would never be interested in the sport."

The NCAA's plan to begin to pay athletes who sustain injuries that gain more attention for the sport has piqued the interest of coaches---many who feel they should be allowed in on the action.  Several coaches pointed to former Indian Hoosiers coach, Bobby Knight---who often would leave fans wondering what inanimate object would end up on the court each night.

Rutger's coach Mike Rice is the only coach to really plead his case for inclusion in the NCAA's self-promotion marketing plan.  Coach Rice submitted his audition tape taken from clips of organized scenes he edited together from the Rutgers basketball team's best practice clips.  The tape has already made the news rounds, but just doesn't seem to give off the same sympathetic feel that has drawn in a larger audience to Kevin Ware's very deliberate leg injury.

The NCAA also admitted they will be paying for the hospital expenses Kevin Ware will have as he embarks on the long road to recovery.   NCAA spokesman Ben Sherman spoke at Ware's hospital bed saying "The NCAA will foot Kevin's medical bills.  We'll be here at every leg of his journey."

Kevin Ware also received a care package and a special note from the NCAA to his attending surgeon before reconstructive surgery.  The note began,


You're the best.  Here's to a swift recovery.  And to the doctor performing the surgery: break a leg--we're all counting on you.  Lol.


NCAA  and Louisville Cardinals Men's Basketball Team

13 Thoughts That Will Make You Feel Old at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah in 2013

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News)  Going to a bar or bat Mitzvah this year?  The kid reading from the Torah was likely born in the year 2000 or 2001.  To put that into perspective, here are 13 thoughts you might have that will make you feel a bit old and grizzled: 

1)  "Those sexy dancers and shiny-vest DJs I fawned over at my friends' bar/bat mitzvahs?  They're approaching 40." 

2)  "The bar/bat mitzvah kid never practiced their Haftorah using a tape recorder---they haven't even heard of one."

3)  "'Gangnam Style', 'Dougie', 'Crank That Soulja Boy'?  In my day, we did 'The Macarana', 'The Electric Slide', and 'Achy Breaky Heart'.

4)  "If I were that kid's parent, I would never let them wear those skimpy sequined hotpants".

5)  "Titanic had already been released for 3 years by time the bar/bat Mitzvah kid was born."

6)   "It will be the year 2024 by time the bar/bat Mitzvah kid graduates college.  And it will cost $200,000 per year just for public school." 

7)  "None of the kids can remember the release of any of the Harry Potter books." 

8)  "YouTube video invitations?  I remember trying to pick out the coolest postage stamps for my invitations."

9)  "I don't have a single digital photo from my bar/bat mitzvah.  All of mine are printed in photo albums."

10)  "When the bar/bat Mitzvah kid was born, Bill Clinton was just leaving the White House and Ariel Sharon had just taken power in Israel."

11)  "I'm tired and sick of talking about my job.  I need to get home to feed my cats."

12)  "Are the people at my table talking about Bed Bath and Beyond?  I should tell them that I'll be there too on Sunday, shopping for lamps."

13)  "Oh wait I know this song!  Madonna!  Aw dammit, it was just a 30-second snippet in some crappy Skrillex dubstep remix.  I wish they would turn the volume down."