May 22, 2013

'Creepy Guy on Subway' Upgraded to 'Guy I'm Interested In' After He Backhandedly Reveals He's Jewish




NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - Today on the morning rail commute, a tall, dark-haired guy sitting across from Anna Silberman began to stare at her for a good fifteen seconds.

Anna thought to herself, "he's kinda cute, I give him a seven-point-five out of ten.  But... aww no, he's still staring, now I give him a seven.  No, six."  A moment later Anna's inner monologue evaluated the guy again, "Four.  He's a four.  Cute but a creeper."  Anna sighed.  

In an instant, the creepy guy stood up and walked towards Anna.

"Oh no, please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me," Anna thought. 

"Hi I'm Benji," the creep began as he sat down next to Anna.

"Oh no!"  Anna screamed internally.

"I was just wondering," continued Benji.  "Does this jacket smell like cabbage?"

"Eww, what?" Anna responded as she reached for her pepper spray.

"You see," Bejji said.  "I bought this jacket last month when I was in Israel, and last Friday, I left it hanging at coat check at a Shul in Yonkers, and I'm convinced that the jacket smells like cabbage now."

Anna put her pepper spray back in her purse.

"Were you on Birthright?"  Anna asked Benji as she began to re-evaluate him.  "Jewish, bold, self-conscious.  That's kinda cute.  Six-point-five..."

Benji eagerly answered, "Yeah, most inspiring trip ever!  Have you been?"

"Yes! Twice last year!" Anna rejoiced.

"That's hot, I've been meaning to go back to Israel all year, but I have been doing so much traveling to visit my brother who just became a Rabbi in Paris."

"Oh my God, eight.  I'm interested!  Wait...NINE!" Anna made her final evaluation. 

Benji and Anna exchanged contact information.  They will be expecting their first child at the end of February 2014. 


May 14, 2013

Shavuot Gathering Marred by Outbreak of Lactose Intolerance

BERKELEY, CA - (Facebook: The Comedy News) - A Shavuot celebration hosted by Julia Yalda,  turned sour as it was slowly revealed throughout the evening that every one of the ten guests were lactose intolerant.

Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Torah to the Jews, and it always falls 50 days after the end of Passover.  Part of the celebration includes the mass consumption of dairy products, as well as decorating ones home or synagogue with spices and flowers. 

May 8, 2013

Signs You’re Turning into Your Jewish Father

You consider 'Fiddler on the Roof', 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat',  'The Producers', 'Damn Yankees' and 'Rent' to be Jewish cultural history. 
 
You kiss as much ass with your significant others' parents as much as you do with your boss.

You spend 25 minutes looking around the house for your reading glasses not realizing that they’re on your face.

You recite jokes that are five paragraph essays.  

Your cell phone interrupts the silence before Ha-motzi---and the ringtone is the theme to "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Most of your stories begin with, “Did I ever tell you about the time…” and before your audience can answer, you tell them for the third or fourth time.

You have no idea what an embarrassing story is.  

You wear a hideous adjustable baseball hat with your friends' company logo on it.

You fall asleep at Major League Baseball games, but only for a few minutes.

At non-Jewish weddings, you complain that there’s too much liquor and not enough food, and that there is no one there to callously estimate how much the whole wedding cost.  

You tip-toe out of bed to secretly go on YouTube and laugh hysterically at old clips of 'The Three Stooges', 'Blazing Saddles', and snippets from the 'Howard Stern Radio Show' from the early 1980s.

You cease to mix self-consciousness with your propensity to sing Rat Pack tunes. 

You say, “I don’t need to buy any new clothes, mine still fit and are in style”, despite the fact that you bought them 15 years ago, they have holes, and a plume of dust emits every time someone pats your shoulder.

No matter how perfect the meal is, you always find a reason to complain to the waiter at the restaurant.  

When watching football or professional wrestling, after a big hit, you say "oh, I felt that!"

You have developed a super power called "the ability to completely tune out nagging".   

When you forget to bring a plastic bag when you're walking the dog, you shamelessly just use your hands to clean up after the pooch.

You buy a paper copy of the New York Times every day to “keep the gray old lady in business”, even though you own an iPod, iPad, and MacBook.

You fall asleep at Barnes and Nobles while reading Chiam Potok and Mitch Albom books---except the Barnes and Nobles store has been a NikeTown for a year and you're just passed-out in the middle of a shoe store. 

When a salesman tells you the price of a car, the least likely thing you will say is "sounds great, I'll take it right now!"

You have no inner monologue when it comes to discussing your health issues.
You have been told more than once this week to trim your nose hair.  

When your children tell you about a new friend they made, you immediately ask them, "What does their Daddy do?"

You have children and love them as much as you complain about them when you’re taking a schvitz. 

May 7, 2013

Fans Line-Up To See 15-Minute Cliff's Notes of New "Gatsby" Movie

Gatsby Fans waiting for the Cliff's Notes adaptation to premiere

LONG ISLAND, NY - (TWITTER: @The Comedy News) - Fans of The Great Gatsby are lining up at movie theaters nation-wide in anticipation of the Cliff's Notes version of the film.

"Two-and-a-half hours to see a book turned into a movie?  I might as well read the damn thing!  That's why I'm seeing the Cliff's Notes version of the film, The Great Gatsby," exclaimed Rodney Porter, a 32-year old private school English teacher.  

While the feature-length film production of the classic book starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby lasts 143 minutes, the Cliff's Notes version of the film will cover the plot, apex, and denouement in only 15 minutes.  

Promotional poster for the Cliff's Notes version of the film.
Producers of the film were well aware of the general public's limited attention span and waning appreciation for the original book---which topped out at 180 pages.  

"We knew that most people are slackers and can barely appreciate a decent book, so we made sure that our film version of Gatsby would have a Cliff's Notes version to bring the C-Student and below demographic to theaters," said executive producer Baz Luhrmann. 

Several fans shared their excitement while they waited in line:

  • "This Gatsby Cliff's Notes flick is only 15 minutes---just long enough for me to record an entire bootleg video of it on my iPhone."
  • "Never thought they'd make a prequel to Titanic, but my dreams have come true!"
  • "I'm taking my kids because there's a character named Zelda.  They loved the video game."
  • "Right off the bat, this was first line in the book:  'In my younger and more vulnerable years...'  Not a chance was I gonna finish that book with all those weird yee oldey Engrish words.  I'm just glad the movie producers were sympathetic to people like me."

Even though it is only 15-minutes long, the Cliffs Notes edition of The Great Gatsby film still will cost movie-goers about $12 for an evening ticket---four times the price of a used copy of F. Scott Fitzgerald's original book on Amazon.com.