SANIBEL ISLAND, FLORIDA – (FACEBOOK The Comedy News) Wedding guests at the nuptial ceremony of Joseph and Penny Goldmann were deadlocked last Saturday on estimating how much the entire production cost.
In a setting featuring rare flowers flown in from Guam, a 10-piece band featuring a Frank Sinatra impersonator, an open bar, and even souvenir folding chairs for each of the 300 friends and family in attendance, everyone seemed to be celebrating the occasion. And as the frills kept coming throughout the night, guests could not help but estimate quietly amongst each other just how much their good friends had spent on celebrating the occasion.
“Look at this New York strip steak,” said Dylan Siebelson, a former roommate of the groom, as he fisted a shitake mushroom into his already-chewing mouth. “This has got to be $80 a plate! I say $105,000, tops!”
A pair of distant cousins of the bride offered their input.
“We always thought Penny was stingy, no offense, but she always has been,” Sara the cousin offered. “Dinner was okay, and they only offered two choices for vegetarians. I say $10,000, maybe $15 but that’s pushing it.”
The close family and friends began to dance to “Havah Nagila”, while the debate moved over to the whiskey-tasting bar, where the debating guests befriended Joe’s boss from work, Edward McCarty.
“Believe me, I’ve been to a lot of these weddings. Tonight, there’s plenty of food, plenty of liquor, no herky-jerky DJ playing soft rock and hip hop--- a real band. This wedding costs $78,000,” McCarty estimated.
As the gaggle of debating guests continued to deduce a total cost by scrutinizing each and every detail of the wedding, the bride’s brother, George---visibly inebriated---approached the group.
“Hey, hey, hey my love buds!” George blurted, hugging the debating guests. “Guess who just got to base number deuce with one of the wedding planner’s assistants just now!”
The debate came to a halt. McCarty then wrapped his arm around George’s shoulder.
“George my man,” I will buy you a whiskey drink of your choice if you can ask that wedding planner’s assistant what the whole cost of the wedding is.”
Still trashed, George turned around and sauntered to the wedding planner. Upon returning, George reported back to the cost-estimators, “the cake should be out in about 10 minutes.”
At that point, the four debating guests looked at each other, grabbed their souvenir chairs, and got on the shuttle bus back to the Hotel where the four of them proceeded to have a 30-minute makeout session.
The cost of the wedding remains a mystery to this day.
The Comedy News is a satire news website based in Los Angeles. Brian Fishbach is the editor-in-chief. You can follow his work on Twitter and Instagram.