Need to Get a Crusty, Whining, Erratic, Narcissistic NFL Legend to Retire? There's An App For That
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN - (DoghouseDaily) - Following a last-second Sunday Night Football loss to his former team, the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre did what he has always done each week since joining the Minnesota Vikings: spend Monday morning window shopping at the Mall of America in Bloomington to "clear his mind". And by mid-Monday afternoon, Favre became the owner of a new iPhone 4, and decided that it was time to retire from football for good.
"Typically, I don't buy anything when I go Mall of America, except for five or six slices of Sbarro pizza. But after last night's loss in Green Bay, I just had this itch to play around in the Apple store. That's when I saw that awesome touch-screen phone," said the three-time National Football League Most Valuable Player. "I looked at the ESPN App, read the news about last night's loss. But most of the news was about my voicemails and texting with a New York Jets employee. That's when I knew it. Today's the right time to leave the NFL and focus exclusively on texting."
Clad in a Vikings hoodie sweatshirt and an Atlanta Falcons warm-up jacket, Favre reiterated that it is all too clear now that a career in texting and voicemailing various enticing individuals is far more lucrative and time-sensitive than being a football legend.
Favre's seventeen-year career has withstood thousands of vicious tackles, chronic thumb and ankle injuries, Super Bowl triumph, three devastating NFC Championship losses, an adulterous lifestyle, and a pain killer addiction. It is perfectly fitting that the sole entity in the universe with the power to get Favre to quit football is an iPhone.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is expected to make an announcement any day now that Favre has signed on to becoming the primary spokesman for Apple's next advertisement campaign for the iPhone. Various websites have leaked the anticipated voice-over for upcoming commercials: "There is nothing iPhone can't do. Need to get a crusty, whining, erratic, narcissistic NFL legend to retire? There's an App for that."