January 30, 2013

Mass. Gov. Deval Patrick Names MIT Janitor Will Hunting to Interim U.S. Senate Seat

Foul-Mouth Genius with Criminal Record Will Succeed former Senator John Kerry

BOSTON, MA  - (@The Comedy News) - Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick has named Democrat Will Hunting the next Senator from Massachusetts. 

Hunting, a political newcomer, is not without controversy.  He has been arrested dozens of times for driving under the influence, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, and was expelled from several orphanages as child.  Republicans are concerned that Hunting is also friends with liberal Hollywood filmmaker, Benjamin Affleck.

Despite his genius IQ of 189, he was most recently employed as a custodian at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  He was fired, though, for forcibly attempting to teach a calculus class himself.  Despite the standing ovation from the grateful students, MIT security tased Hunting. 

Hunting is expected to drop almost as many f-bombs on the Senate floor as former Vice-President Dick Cheney did frequently during his time as President of the U.S. Senate.

Hunting has already declared that he will be running in the special election in June, with the campaign slogan, "How Do Ya Like Them Apples?"

Senator-Designate Will Hunting has already planned an ambitious docket of legislation for his brief Senate term:
  • Legislation to eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet.  
  • Getting baseball player Carleton Fisk the Congressional Medal of Freedom as consolation for never winning a World Series.
  • A pardon for Coach Bill Belichik, exonerating him from all illegal video-taping allegations.
  • A memo to the Federal Bureau of Investigation to add former Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner to the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List.   

The 42-year also old told a crowd of inebriated constituents at 9:00 AM this morning at a south Boston Irish pub that he will seek a law to criminalize the manufacturing, sale, and distribution of Manhattan Clam Chowder.  [Editor's note, Senator-Designate Hunting referred to the cuisine as "Yankee Blood Soup"]

Hunting has expressed reservations about taking on the task of becoming a member of the most exclusive club in the land.  To keep his sanity, each week, Senator-Designate Hunting will be making an 84-hour round trip drive to see his on-again, off-again British girlfriend, Skylar Driver, Esquire in Palo Alto, California.

After meeting constituents who were complaining about how they lost their jobs as hot dog vendors at Fenway park, Senator-Designate Hunting gave them all 20-minute hugs each and repeatedly told them, "it's not your fault," until they cried.  At that point, he moved on to the next unemployed constituent and repeated his hypnotic hugging exercise.

Senator-Designate Hunting has already appointed Dr. Sean Maguire, a professor of psychology at Bunker Hill Community College to be his Chief of Staff.

January 26, 2013

Were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jewish?

Sociologists and Rabbis around the world are beginning to question whether the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were Jewish.  The jury is still out, but draw your own conclusions from the evidence below:

Evidence that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were Jewish
  • They lived in New York.
  • They all wore headwear.
  • They all had weapons, yet none owned a gun.
  • They took wisdom from an elder who told long drawn-out stories and was covered in facial hair.
  • They ordered pizza but never seemed to order pepperoni.
  • They did pro-bono work for the good of their neighbors.
  • They had the hots for a redheaded shicksa from the local news.
  • With names like Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Leonardo---they were all named after a person from antiquity who lived on the shores of the Mediterranean.
  • They're already showing signs of balding.
  • One of them was vilified throughout the film for making bad jokes.
  • The purple one was into science, the blue one was a born leader, the orange one was a goofy jokester that laughed at his own jokes, and the red one was a nebbish complainer. 

Evidence that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were NOT Jewish
  • They never talked about their Mom.
  • They always were getting into physical fights---and encouraged to do so by their caretaker.
  • They didn't live in the Upper West Side, rather a low-rent shithole in the sewer.
  • They still ate pizza on passover.
  • Have you ever met a Jew that says "cowabunga"?
  • They were in their teens and never mentioned their Bar Mitzvahs.
  • They're boys and they can dance.
  • None of their names are Dovid, Moshe, Yoni, or Judah.
  • They did most of their work after sundown.
  • None of em ever got laid.
  • They never used profanity.
  • There is indisputable video evidence of them doing Buddhist meditation.
  • No evidence of excessive chest hair.
  • They never ventured into the Bergen County New Jersey suburbs, Long Island, or Brooklyn.
  • They never mentioned summer camp in the Poconos.
  • They're turtles.

January 23, 2013

John McCain Dresses Up As Philthy Phil the Filibuster Mascot

John McCain Stirs Up Support for Keeping Filibuster Law that Allows Senators to Stall Progress For No Reason at All

13-year-old 21st Century Celebrates Bar Mitzvah Last Weekend

CHARLOTTE, NC - (@The Comedy News) - Shortly after turning 13-years-old on January 1st, the 21st Century was called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah on Saturday.

Sporting a blue Yamaka, his father's Talit, and the most adorable case of teenage acne, 21st Century led a beautiful service and gave a heartfelt Bar Mitzvah torah portion sermon.

"This was a huge thrill for me", said the 21st Century after the ceremony.  "I always dreaded turning 13, ya know, because I have stage fright.  And learning Hebrew was no cake walk either, especially having to go to Hebrew school two days a week with all of my rambunctious pals."

The theme for the 21st Century's Bar Mitzvah was "Time Flies".  The tables for the luncheon were themed with time travel-based films and books.  21st Century sat at the "Back to the Future" table, while his parents and grandparents sat at the HG Wells "The Time Machine" table.

A rumor went around that the Bar Mitzvah boy's 'obligated invites  table' (commonly known as the "reject table") was the "Groundhog Day" table.  This came as a surprise since 21st Century's sister and her atheist fiance sat at the "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure" table.  Apparently, the atheist fiance complained about the perils of organized religion the entire time, alienating everyone within shouting distance. 

21st Century's obnoxious Aunt and Uncle were seen complaining about how the food was not served fast enough, and then spent the remainder of the luncheon estimating how much money the entire Bar Mitzvah likely cost 21st Century's family.   Estimates were as low as $24.53 and as high as $34,000.

At the dance party later that evening, 21st Century and all of his friends rocked out to some of the following songs:

"1999" --- Prince
"Time After Time" --- Cyndi Lauper
*****"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" --- Aerosmith
"Dick in a Box" --- Justin Timberlake
"Gangnam Style" ---  Psy
"Some Nights" --- fun.

*****Nobody slow danced except for 21st Century's older sister and her atheist fiance. 

January 22, 2013

Beyonce Admits that Lip-Synched National Anthem Originally Sung By Milli Vanilli

Fabrice Morvan of Mili Vanilli's voice was used at inauguration.
WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) Popstar Beyonce Knowles has revealed that her lip-synched performance at the second inauguration of Barack Obama was recorded by fellow lip-synching duo Mili Vanilli in 1983.

Ironically, Mili Vanilli, featuring Fabrice Morvan and the late Rob Pilatus, became the first performers to be stripped of a Grammy award when it was discovered that they lip-synched their hit song, "Girl You Know It's True" in 1990.  

When reached for comment, Beyonce reportedly said, "I'll tell you what you should be ticked about, I was the headliner this afternoon, and my opening act, Barack Obama took FOREVER.  Democracy this, and civil blah blah blah Bin Laden.  I got ONE song in front of an audience of 900,000 fans.  That's the real outrage today."

In response to Mili Vanilli revealing that they were the voice behind Beyonce's sham performance of "The Star Spangled Banner", Beyonce's husband Jay-Z kidnapped Fabrice Morvan and forced him to  to wear a Mitt Romney 2012 shirt while watching Beyonce's abysmal performance in the film Austin Powers' Goldmember.

January 16, 2013

Chief Justice John Roberts Procrastinating Inauguration Homework

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Chief Justice John Roberts has been too lazy to practice the Oath of Office for Barack Obama’s second inauguration.  
After ignoring Barack’s phone calls for days, Barack walked over to Robert’s apartment and found Roberts maximizing his relaxation time by watching "Judge Judy" while sitting on his futon in sweatpants and dirty wife-beater--showing a week’s beard growth.  Surrounding his used KFC wrappers, empty cans of Pringles and half full bottles of Old Crow Bourbon.  Before he could harangue the Chief Justice, Barack Obama vomited his lunch in the hallway and stormed out of the apartment.

“There is no fucking way I am going back in there,” said the President.  “It smells like Jeffrey Dahmer once roomed there.  I’ll send Joe there to get Johnny Oath flubber off his ass and back to the books.”

When consulted by reporters about his procrastination, John acknowledged, “I’m too busy learning how to be a real arbiter of the law, plus I’d like to know what’s under that robe of hers.  Anyways, you know the market will take care of it,” while pointing to a sticky copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.  “I will be ready to give the Oath of Office to Romney when I’m done watching Judge Judy.”

In response to this, CNN Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer, accused John Roberts of, “GOP snobbery,” and, “utter disregard and disrespect to the United States government.” Wolf has continued, “he’s only done this to prevent Barack from legally assuming office.  His refusal to do so only discredits the Democrats by having that pauper Biden be the President.”

Neckless asshole Rush Limbaugh, issued a tweet accusing Blitzer of “Slandering the GOP and lesson the faith of good Christian Americans with Socialist policies.”  The next set of drivel he tweeted was summarily ignored.

None of the Associate Justices could be reached for comments, however it has been reported that narcissist and zealot Antonin Scalia left a note remarking, “The unconstitutionality of Barack Obama of forcing a Supreme Court Justice to practice the Oath of Office citing the 3rd Amendment, the 10th Amendment, and the Bible."

Clique That Went to Jewish Summer Camp Together Still Won't Shut Up About Jewish Summer Camp

DENVER, CO - (@The Comedy News) - Sarah, Moishe, Rachel, Jeremy, Eric, Stacy, David, and Sara: if you are so privileged to eclipse their exclusive circle of kinship, you will learn obnoxiously quick that these eight 27-year-olds have been friends since Jewish summer camp. 

Sarah, Moishe, Rachel, Jeremy, Eric, Stacy, David, and Sara---currently in their eighteenth year of inside jokes and incest---living together in squalor on the outskirts of a nauseatingly youthful Colorado ski-town. 

The clique that calls themselves the "Excellent Eight" have known each other since what they have referred to as the summer of love, 1995.  Then, they went to a Jewish summer camp called Camp Khazir deep within the Ozarks of southern Missouri.  They still go back to Camp Khazir every year to re-live the glory days of when they were all ten. 

"Khazir!  Khazir!  My favorite time of year!  Khazir! Khazir!  Excellent Eight we cheer!"  A few of the summer camp friends broke into song during the interview, unprovoked---making reporters visibly uncomfortable.

Outsiders that have had the misfortune of knowing this stubbornly secluded self-righteous posse note that the Excellent Eight are always together.

"They took all of the same classes together at Colorado-Boulder.  Not sure if they even graduated, but they were definitely in the same classes, cheating off each other," describes a college classmate.

A former director of Camp Khazir notes that the Excellent Eight have made a name for themselves throughout the entire Jewish community.

"I once told someone while vacationing in Ethiopia that I did a summer at Camp Khazir back in 1997," says the former camp director.  Without fail, the guy I was speaking to immediately asked, "Oh, so you know those Excellent Eight brats?" 

Another camper describes their temperament. 

"Just by looking at them, you can tell that they've all hooked up with each other, or at the very least, seen everyone in their intolerably smug clique naked," describes a former co-Camper, who stopped attending camp in 1999.  "We confirmed that they just pass each other around.  When Eric or David or Jeremy or Moses or whoever one of those caricatures of each other pulled out an acoustic guitar on the lagoon pier and sang a song full of inside jokes about getting to third base, that's when we knew for sure.  And who even talks about their bases anymore?  New rule:  if you're old enough to drive a car, you may not refer to hooking up progress in terms of baseball hits."

The song is supposedly on YouTube and will be featured on Tosh.O this spring. 

A private investigator hired to study the Excellent Eight has concluded that none of the eight charter members have made any new friends outside of each other since the Clinton Administration.  And although no one is quite sure which member of the group is Sarah with an "H" and Sara without and "H", they both can be identified by their frequent wearing of a puffy-painted tank-top shirt that reads "Sanctuary Sex".  It is believed that the shirts are a reference to a sexual escapade that took place while neglecting their duties as senior counselors--jobs they resume every June.

Sarah, Moishe, Rachel, Jeremy, Eric, Stacy, David, and Sara.  Because there is plenty of endless drivel about Jewish summer camp to share, after all these years.

January 15, 2013

*BREAKING NEWS* Justice Clarence Thomas Breaks Silence; Says, "I Just Farted, Everyone"

Justice Thomas Breaks Seven-Year Silence on the Bench by Announcing That He Ripped Ass

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - "I just farted, everyone" will be the quote that Supreme Court scholars will be talking about for years.  It is the line that broke Justice Clarence Thomas' seven-year silence from the bench.

Since 2005, Justice Thomas has made $213,000 annually yet did not speak a word until he announced to the Supreme Court of the United States that he farted.  

Reporters inside the highest court in the land said that as the aura of Justice Thomas' flatulence spread throughout the court room, a number of green plants turned rapidly yellow. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, man!"  Exclaimed Justice Antonin Scalia once he caught a whiff of Justice Thomas' posterior plum.  "It smells like you just slaughtered an animal, Clar!"  Scalia stormed out of the chamber for the next thirty minutes.

Story developing...

January 9, 2013

VP Joe Biden Procrastinates Gun Control Report to the Last Minute

Vice President Biden Emails Obama That His Printer is Jammed and Hard-drive Crashed; Will Need Later Due Date for Gun Control Report

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Vice President Joe Biden has reportedly left his controvertial gun control report to the last minute.  His procrastinating led to asking President Obama for an extension.  With that, Biden told the President several fibs in order to get a later due date.

Here is a leaked copy of the Vice President's email to President Obama

SENT:  8, January, 2013;  7:13 PM
SUBJECT:  Guns N' Shit

Sup B,

Good news and bad news.  First the good news, you da man!  Hahaha just kiddin.  The bad news is my printer jammed as I was printing my final draft of the gun policy task force report.  So I decided to ride my skateboard over to the nearest Kinkos, but I dropped my laptop on the toilet before I could leave the house, so my hard drive is now fried!  The good news is I can have the report done soon.  But I'll need a later deadline.  Hope that's okay.

Yes we can!  (remember that?! Lol.)

-José Biden

According to sources, Biden has been notorious for leaving legislation to the last minute, leading to these erratic 'print-and-sprint' behaviors.  The last time Biden produced a last minute report to the President, he was seen sprinting down Connecticut Avenue in a Delaware Blue Hens sweatshirt and a borrowed pair of red Chicago Bulls basketball shorts he apparently has yet to return to the President.

January 7, 2013

HE'S BACK!: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Jews"

Fifth Installation of Indiana Jones Series Expected to be Not Nearly as Bad as the Fourth

The fifth installment of Indiana Jones opens with a Passover seder at a South Florida retirement community in 1960.  Dr. Jones has been a resident here since becoming an archaeology professor emeritus at Princeton three years prior.

The retirement community staff organize an affikomen for the residents, which results in an action-packed cafeteria fight.  Indy reigns triumphant after neutralizing fellow curmudgeons, and locating the hidden matzah under a chess table.  Still, the offending residents are sent to the Temple of Jews, located in Key West, to undergo spiritual healing.

Rogue real-estate developer Donald Sorrentino receives intelligence that the Temple of Jews sits on top of the coveted Fountain of Youth, once sought by Spanish explorer Juan Ponce De León.  Meanwhile, all of the congregants at the Temple of Jews seem young in mind, body, and spirit, further confirming Sorrentino's suspicions. 

And as Indy and his fellow retirees start to embrace the spiritual healing process, he discovers the Sorrentino's plan to buy-off city planners, plant Burmese pythons on the grounds, and demolish the Temple of Jews to turn the purported Fountain of Youth into a theme park.

Indiana Jones dusts off his fedora and tears out what little hair he has left as he and his fellow congregants go to biblical lengths to stop Sorrentino from razing the Temple of Jews.