December 27, 2012

Teaching Grandma To Text Not Going Very Well



BOCA RATON, FL - (@The Comedy News) - Dustin Rasumsson thought a great way to spend Christmas Day would be to teach his 88-year-old Grandma Cloris how to send a text message on her new iPhone.  

However, despite his pending Ph.D in social work from Cornell, Dustin's efforts to teach Grandma Cloris were futile.  

"I've always known Grandma to be a strong, smart idol of mine," said Dustin.  "But watching her hit the 'call end' button over and over, and then turning off the phone when she wasn't using it, made me flip my shit."

Dustin's patience wore thin as he hovered behind his Grandma---who was perched in her favorite rocking chair.  After asking where the erase button was [referring to 'delete'] Dustin snatched the phone away from Grandma Cloris and called her an "old windpasser".  

Grandma Cloris, a retired nurse who has been alive since the Calvin Coolidge administration, was in good spirits the entire time.

Despite her complete and total failure at attempting to send a text message, Grandma Cloris did manage ---all on her own--- to learn how to shoot and upload sepia-faded photographs to Instagram.

December 26, 2012

Jewish Geography Offered as a Major at 23 Universities

Field of Study Focuses on Jewish Peoples' Ability to Find Mutual Connections

MADISON, WISCONSIN - (@The Comedy News) - Its description starts almost like a joke:  "Two Jews meet in the street.  One says to the other, 'hey do you know'..." 

The social inquisition colloquially known as Jewish Geography is now being offered as a major field of study at twenty-three colleges and universities across the nation.

Some of the universities and colleges offering Jewish Geography as a major include Columbia, Duke, Delaware, University of Wisconsin, University of Michigan, University of Florida, Maryland, George Washington University, Brandeis, and Vanderbilt. 

The Jewish Geography department at the University of Wisconsin in Madison offered to publish its syllabus for their survey class during the upcoming spring semester:   Jewish Geography 118: Introduction to Jewish Geography

Lecture 1:  Jews:  Who the hell are you?

Lecture 2:  New York, Miami, and Wyoming??  Big City vs. Small City Jewish Geography

Lecture 3:  The Art of Asking Leading Questions

Lecture 4:  Conventional Reactions to Positive Jewish Connections

Lecture 5:  The Steins and the Bergs:  Goldsteins and Bernsteins; Goldbergs and Pittsburghs

Lecture 6:  Tactics in Abruptly Ending a Jewish Geography Session Gone Awry

Lecture 7:  Summer Camp Politics

Lecture 8:  Jew-dar:  Seeking Potential Jewish Geographers Without Saying a Word

Lecture 9:  Guilt Trips: Backhanded and Intentional

Lecture 10:  Parent-Orchestrated Blind Dates and Other Disasters in Jewish Geography


Other classes in Jewish Geography:
Jewish Geography 269:  Forming Early Geography Skills in JCC Nursery School

Jewish Geography 313:  The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Wars 

Jewish Geography 613:  Overbearing Jewish Mother Seminar

Jewish Geography 714:  Jewish Dads and The Sociology of Tolerating Miserable Jokes

Jewish Geography 750:  Palm Beach, Palm Springs, and Scottsdale:  Jewish Geography While Eligible for Social Security

Jewish Geography 799:  Gathering the Jews:  How to Run a Jewish Community Website

December 21, 2012

"Wrong again, dumbasses", predicted the Aztecs

Mayan Apocalypse Hoax Accurately Foreseen by Aztec Peoples


TENOCHTITLAN, MEX. - (@The Comedy News) - The Aztecs accurately forsaw that on December 21, 2012, the world would go on as per usual, contrary to crackpot predictions by the Mayan peoples.



Story developing, check back later for details.  

09:28 AM- Incas reportedly didn't give a shit for any of this prediction shit.  

December 19, 2012

Jewish Holiday Parties That Were Discontinued

Image courtesy of KosherHam.com
 
WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) -We have all been invited to our fair share of holiday parties---with our coworkers, with our friends, with our neighbor who hoards cats and trash in the front yard.  

And for the 165,000 Jews in the Washington, DC metro area, there is no shortage of Jewish-themed winter gatherings. 

Various Jewish organizations have facilitated dozens of successful parties for the DC Jewish community, some even running annually for over twenty years.  Just like good Jewish humor, the names of the parties have been alliterated and cheesy.  

However, there are some Jewish winter holiday events that were discontinued over the years:

Challah Back Y'all Karaoke Kabbalah (2005-2006)
A short-lived karaoke tournament inspired by the Gwen Stefani song, Hollaback Girl.  A schmorgesborg of challah bread kept the bashful non-singers enthused.  Discontinued after too many drunken off-key renditions of Sweet Caroline, Don't Stop Believing, and Od Yavo Shalom Aleinu. 

Bagel Bash  (2000-2008)
A $5 fee got revelers admission to a wild and crazy dance party at McFaddens in Foggy Bottom, as well as all-you-can-eat bagels and schmear.  Discontinued after Michelle Obama smote excess carbohydrate ingestion.

Pork Protest (1993-1994)
A dance party primarily attended by reform Jews who advocated for a change in kashrut laws forbidding pork products.   Popular with American Jews from Midwestern states.  Discontinued after no one would admit to each other that they loved the taste of pork. 

Shrimp Strike (1993-1994)
Same as pork protest.  Just more popular amongst New England seafood snobs. 

Brisket Bris-off (1946-1964)
During the post World War II baby boom, DC Jews used to gather at RFK stadium on Christmas eve for an outdoor mass-celebration of brit milah, or "bris".  Local chefs provided complimentary brisket samplings to the new parents.  Discontinued for too many reasons to list. 

Mistletoe Mitzvah (1989-1999)
Billed as "The Easiest Jewish Singles Event to Get To First Base!"  Basically, it was an awkward happy hour with mistletoe hanging from the tavern's ceiling.  Interest faltered after everyone in the Jewish community had made out with each other. 

Jew-Jitzu Jam (1984)
Popularized by the film, Karate Kid, the Jew-Jitzu jam was a martial arts-themed dance party that encouraged Jewish revelers to dress up in either Cobra Kai attire, or Miyagi-do Karate attire.  Discontinued after too many fights broke out on the dance floor. 




December 7, 2012

Christmas Writes Cease-and-Desist Letter to Hanukkah

Christmas is challenging Hanukkah in court

The following letter was leaked from a law firm in Brooklyn:  



Hanukkah
18 One-Candle Drive
Jerusalem, Israel

Dear Hanukah,

It has come to my attention that my client [CHRISTMAS] contends that you [HANUKKAH] have infringed upon Christmas’ position as
the preeminent gift-giving holiday during the cold weather months of November and/or December. My client demands that you cease and desist your existance as a gift-giving holiday immediately.

I understand that you [HANUKKAH] are a "festival" and not a holiday. However, you and my client [CHRISTMAS] are constantly grouped by the politically-correct masses into the same category. 


In the scenarios listed below, the unauthorized likenesses of Hanukkah (H) to Christmas (C) are highlighted:
· Menorahs (H) vs. Christmas Trees (C). A free-standing symbol of holiday cheer consisting of lights and flames. 

· Potato Pancakes(H) vs. Buttermilk Pancakes (C)  Honestly, did you really have to re-invent the pancake? 

· Blue Tinsel (H) vs. Green/Red Tinsel (C).  Decorative tinsel is for Christmas.  You may not make it blue and call it 'Hanukkah Tinsel'

· Dreidels (H) vs. Assorted Gambling (C).   Dreidels are a cheaper knock-off of dice--which are supposed to have six sides.  The only gambling allowed during the holiday season is reserved for College Bowl Games.  

· Eight Nights (H) vs. Christmas Eve (C).  The nights of Hanukkah are artificially inflated, my client alleges, to overlap with Christmas every few years.  Unacceptable.

· Adam Sandler (H) vs. Bing Crosby (C).  Mr. Sandler's "humorous" incarnations of the Hanukkah song are a rip on Bing Crosby’s White Christmas. And all he does is name celebrities that are Jewish.  That's not a song, that's a Wikipedia page.
You must cease and desist all attempts to emulate Christmas immediately.

Should you not comply, Christmas will write another Cease and Desist letter each year until you come into compliance. 

You will be responsible for an eternity of attorney fees, plagiarism, royalties, individual and/or class-action law suits on behalf of Christmas.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Sincerely,

December 4, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: Bret Bielema Agrees to Become Arkansas Razorbacks' Coach and Mascot

BIELEMA:  "I'm looking forward to hogging timeouts as coach, shouting 'woo pig souey' as Tusk the mascot."



FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS - (@The Comedy News) - Wisconsin Football head coach Bret Bielema will be leaving Madison to do simultanious duty as the University of Arkansas Razorbacks' head coach and mascot, Tusk.

"I'm looking forward to hogging timeouts as coach, and shouting 'woo pig souey' as mascot," announced Bielema this afternoon.

Arkansas officials are confidant that Bielema has the ample mind and body to take on the challenging positions of both coach and mascot. 

As a replacement for Coach Bielema, the Wisconsin Badgers will be hiring former Green Bay Packer Brett Favre to be their head coach for 2013 Rose Bowl game against Stanford.  UW officials are in talks to enroll Brett in grad school---- just in case the Badgers need him to play quarterback in the big game.  

MatzoBrawl To Feature Simon vs. Garfunkel, Streisand vs. Gene Simmons in Xmas Eve Boxing Matches

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - Jewish Americans will have a new reason to get down with some holiday cheer this winter:  the first-annual MatzoBrawl is set to take place live from Madison Square Garden on Christmas Eve.  

MatzoBrawl will feature one-on-one boxing matches between prominent Jewish celebrities.   

HAPPY GILMORE vs. BILLY MADISON
Fresh off his recent suspension from the PGA Tour, golfer Happy Gilmore will be certain to have some  aggression to blow off in the boxing ring.  The hockey player-turned-golfer is known for his short temper, which will serve him well in the later rounds.

Knibb High School physical education teacher Billy Madison's best hope for a knockout hinges on two factors:  keeping the trash talk to a minimum, and showing up to the fight with a blood-alcohol level below .08. 

Special guest referee:  Rob Schneider 

Favorite Gilmore


BARBARA STREISAND vs. GENE SIMMONS 
Gene Simmons, the Israel-born frontman to K.I.S.S. will clash with Barbara Streisand---an equally as overrated popstar who's relevance was also left in the 1970s.  Since both competitors refused to "condescend to wearing frumpy boxing gloves", officials have allowed both Streisand and Simmons one foreign object.

Streisand is expected to use one of her eight Grammy awards as a weapon, while Simmons will likely do something that involves either fake blood or his grotesquely deformed tongue.  Still, both celebrity-boxers are expected to quit the fight when their excessive makeup starts to smear. 

Favorite: Streisand. 


PAUL SIMON vs. ART GARFUNKEL
Having been buddies since their elementary school days in Queens, folk rockstars Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have gone in and out of personal clashes.  While they have been reportedly getting along for the last decade, both Simon and Garfunkel will reunite in the center of Madison Square Garden to box their way into another hiatus.  

Favorite:  Garfunkel


SARAH SILVERMAN vs. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
In what is being billed as "The Battle of the Sarahs", comedian Sarah Silverman will fight Sarah Jessica Parker in the opening boxing match of MatzoBrawl 2012.

Stipulations:  If Parker wins, Silverman has to go a week without using profanity.  If Parker loses to Silverman, Silverman gets to have a night-on-the-town in Chicago with Parker's husband of fifteen years, Matthew Broderick.   

Favorite:  Parker


*MatzoBrawl is not affiliated with the annual Christmas Eve meat-market, Matzo Ball.  All puns are purely coincidental.