February 28, 2011

Wisconsin Teacher Caught Spending Wastefully at Walgreens

FOX POINT, WI – (The Comedy News) – A public school teacher from Milwaukee, Wisconsin was caught wastefully spending at a local Walgreens store by an outraged eyewitness.
 
The teacher has been identified as Mr. Mark Spranderson, a 33-year-old fifth grade history teacher at Ellsworth Middle School. Onlookers were shocked to see that Spranderson was spotted buying items not only out of necessity, but some even for leisure.

“I am mortified,” lamented Michelle Nilap, a stay-at-home mother of Brookfield who is married to a local real estate developer. Nilap was the shopper who first reported the local school teacher's wasteful spending incident. "Who does Mr. Spranderson think he is? Wasting all of his money on Healthy Choice beef and potatoes, generic qtips, and---get this--- two whole sticks of Old Spice deodorant. He's a teacher, a public school teacher, he should not have time to use these things. Such a wasteful spender. Hrmph."

Outrage has spread recently about getting public school teachers to potentially take a pay cut to help offset the deficit of the state of Wisconsin's budget. Citizens such as Ms. Nilap have gone out of their way to blow the whistle on public school teachers who, in their opinion, are the cause of Wisconsin's financial woes."

"Cheap black dress socks? Oh come on," continued Nilap, who herself purchased a facial hair zapper that day. "Public school teachers should not be spending their salaries---which come straight from tax payers' pockets, like my husband---on cheap black dress socks. It's not like the teachers have enough money to go the elite parties and brunches that I go to anyways." 

In a somewhat unrelated incident, after the interview at Walgreens, Nilap discovered that her Range Rover had been towed because it was parked in a handicap parking space. Nilap theorizes that it was Mr. Spranderson who reported her illegally-parked vehicle.


*****

February 23, 2011

"Home Alone" Still Tops List of Highest Grossing Films With No Use of Special Effects or Animation

For many years, the top grossing films of all-time have included almost exclusively films loaded with special effects and animation. Forgotten in this mix are the films that generated audiences without the use of anything beyond a camera and a little bit of lighting.

Avatar? Harry Potter? Titanic? Star Wars? They may be some of the most revered and financially successful films of all-time. They lead in box office results, total budget, and imagination. But beyond all of the cool visual effects, a very peculiar list of films emerges:


Top Ten Films Of All Time That Did Not Use Special Effects or Animation

1) Home Alone $285,761,243 (1990)

2) Meet the Fockers $279,261,160 (2004)

3) The Hangover $277,322,503 (2009)

4) The Blind Side $255,959,475 (2009)

5) My Big Fat Greek Wedding $241,438,208 (2002)

6) Mrs. Doubtfire $219,195,243 (1993)

7) Wedding Crashers $209,255,921 (2005)

8) Grease $188,389,888 (1978)

9) Dances with Wolves $184,208,848 (1990)

10) Liar Liar $181,410,615 (1997)


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(Source: BoxOfficeMojo.com)

February 18, 2011

Scott Walker Officially Ends Super Bowl XLV High For Wisconsin

New Governor Puts An End To Jubilation, Jobs

MADISON, WI – (@TheComedyNews) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker decided this week that now is the time to officially put an end to all Super Bowl XLV celebrations.

"There are over five-million overly jubilant Packers fans in the great state of Wisconsin, and my cabinet believes that the time is now that all five-million of us stop celebrating the Green Bay Packers' championship glory and focus on trimming the ailing budget," declared Governor Walker, while drinking a Budweiser. "What good is a Super Bowl for your home state team when no one wants to sacrifice a little bit of fun to make it look like their Johnny-come-lately first-term governor can balance the state's checkbook. Stop being so greedy and let's slash some funding!"

Governor Walker this week has led a charge to eliminate collective bargaining for unionized state workers. This will almost certainly lead to lower funding and lost jobs at many public schools throughout Wisconsin. Walker also is issuing an executive order to officially end any additional celebration of the Green Bay Packers' Super Bowl victory last week because it is wasteful and, Walker thinks that personally, it's pathetic.

Governor Walker's additional proposed changes to quell the deficit:

•Privatizing Lake Michigan to increase the price of water at restaurants.

•Moving the Milwaukee Brewers back to Seattle.

•Selling all land north of Hayward to Minnesota and Canada for $0.05 per acre.

•Eliminating the Marquette interchange because a school doesn't need a whole freeway all to itself.

Walker continues to defend his proposals while emphasizing that he's just an ordinary citizen trying to do what's best. "Don't get me wrong, I am a Packers fan like the rest of all of you. But I'm a deficit hawk first. You're either with me or against me. God bless Wisconsin."

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February 14, 2011

Bob Woodward Ruins Carl Bernstein’s Surprise Party

WASHINGTON, DC – (The Comedy News) – A surprise party to celebrate the 67th birthday of journalist Carl Bernstein was foiled by his long-time investigative journalism partner, Bob Woodward.

The surprise birthday party was organized by Bernstein’s wife, Christine, along with his children Alfred and Sylvia. Bernstein’s family had planned the event to be an extravagant surprise birthday party at the Washington Hilton Hotel on Valentine’s Day for their accomplished father.

The invitations instructed the over 300 guests to, “Come Celebrate the Big Six-Seven With Carl, But Don’t Tell Him, It’s a Surprise!!!”

One of the invitees, Bob Woodward took that invitation as an opportunity to be the whistle-blower on a potentially huge news story. He initially broke the news by creating a ‘breaking news’ email alert with the Washington Post.

However, Woodward used his journalistic integrity to conceal the identity of his sources for the tip that led to ruining the surprise birthday party. The code-names he used for his sources, which presumably are just Bernsteins’ family members who sent the invitations, were Money Shot, Philly Fakeout, and Angry Dragon.

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February 6, 2011

Dallas Cowboys Say Super Bowl Is Invalid Because of Botched National Anthem

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) - It didn't take long after the Super Bowl XLV confetti fell on the field at Cowboys Stadium for conspiracy theories to emerge surrounding the validity of the Green Bay Packers' victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Dallas Cowboys, the host team for this year's Super Bowl game, claim that the game was not even a valid game to be counted in the official record books. They argue that since Christina Aguilera did not properly sing The Star Spangled Banner at the beginning of the game, the game was in violation of NFL rules and should be voided altogether.

The incident that the Dallas Cowboys are citing is that Aguilera sang a few words in the United States' national anthem incorrectly. The lines in particular were sung, "what so proudly we watched at the twilight's last gleaming", instead of the correct lyrics, "o'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming."

"The NFL requires The Star Spangled Banner to be sung before every game. Today, it was not sung," a Dallas Cowboys conspiracy theorist alleges. "America deserves to be honored before every regulation game. There were different words we heard tonight. As a result, Super Bowl XLV's results are moot and the trophy must be awarded to the host team."

Immediately after the conspiracy theory was tweeted by an unnamed injured Cowboys quarterback, the Dallas Cowboys erupted in celebration of their perceived sixth Super Bowl trophy. The rest of the Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington metropolitan area celebrated in a fiery riot.  Fifty were injured, three are dead.

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Rand McNally Considers Adding Green Bay to Maps

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Following the Green Bay Packers' first Super Bowl win of the new millennium, the largest producer of maps of the United States is considering adding the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin to all of their future maps.

"We at Rand McNally believe that the time has come to recognize Green Bay on all of our maps," commented a Rand McNally spokesman. "For many years, we thought that if we let Green Bay appear on our maps, that would set off a domino effect, and before you know it, we would have to add every total joker loony toon city to our maps like Omaha, Springfield, and Seattle."

The town of Green Bay, also known as "Titletown" has become known as a professional football mecca due to the town's ability to draw hundreds of thousands of tourists and football fans per year to celebrate the professional football team with the most NFL Championships---the Packers now have 13.

With a population of only 102,313, Green Bay is the smallest media market in professional sports. Despite these setbacks, the Packers have remained in Green Bay since 1921. Such an anomaly has caught the attention of Rand McNally, and is thus why Green Bay has now found its way onto a map for the first time.

The first Rand McNally map featuring Green Bay Wisconsin will be unveiled at Lambeau Field this Wednesday morning.  About 20,000 enthusiastic Green Bay residents---all claiming to be an owner of the Packers--- have already begun to stake out the best tailgating spots to get drunk and eat brats before the "Green Bay Is On The Map" ceremony.



George W. Bush Cheers the Green Bay Package Guys over the Pittsburgh Robbers

43rd President Talks Total Nonsense with John Madden for 3 Hours

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) - Former President George W. Bush had quite an extravagant evening at Super Bowl XLV in suburban Dallas. The 43rd President had a double date on Sunday night with his wife, former First Lady Laura Bush, John Madden, and Madden's date, a plate of nachos.

"I was so excited to see that guy John Madden wanted to hang out with Laura and me while we watched us some Super Bowl football," said President Bush. "I've been meaning to tell him in person that I used to go to my room at the White House and play Madden 2002 whenever Cheney or my dad would get on my case about the war and tax cuts."

President Bush spent the duration of the game talking total nonsense with John Madden as they sat together in the same luxury suite at Cowboys Stadium. Topics covered included women falling down at casinos, nacho toppings that are really exciting to order at TGI Fridays, and figuring out why the Dallas Cowboys were not playing in a football game at their home stadium.

"I told John that I think someone has been messing with Texas. The Cowboys should be playing football in their stadium. Anyways, I rooted for the Green Bay Package guys to beat the Pittsburgh Robbers tonight."

February 5, 2011

Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews Make a Hair-Razing Super Bowl Wager

Super Bowl XLV Brings Side Competition

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) As Super Bowl XLV approaches, players on both sides of the ball are psyching themselves up in a variety of ways. The Green Bay Packers’ quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, studies Pittsburgh defense film; the Pittsburgh Steelers’ wide receiver, Hines Ward, practices blocking.

Meanwhile, Packers outside linebacker Clay Matthews III and Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu have prepared for the big game by making a side bet. The deal is that whoever is on the losing team must shave off their hair and make it into a trophy for the winning player. Both players cherish their precious locks, and to lose their pride and joy would emasculate them.

“I haven’t had my hair shorter than a foot since middle school,” whined Pro Bowler Clay Matthews. “The ladies love it. To be bald would reduce my sex appeal. I can’t lose that.”

Polamalu could not be reached for comment, but Steelers’ head coach, Mike Tomlin, offered, “That slacker refused to cut his hair. Day in and day out, I threaten to fine him to get rid of his mane. But it would be sweet to see Matthews shave. That hairdo is an embarrassment to the league.”

The Packers inside linebacker A.J. Hawk begged to get into this deal, but Polamalu and Matthews ignored his requests. B.J. Raji offered his two cents. “It’s bad enough that he starts. That journeyman doesn’t belong on the same field as us,” says the 2nd year 350 pound defensive tackle. “I’d rather have (punter) Masthay at his position. He is a far better athlete than that washed up Buckeye ever was.”

NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, approved this deal and agreed to make this spectacle into an award. He promised to provide the electric razor, and get the Wahl Clipper company to be the sponsor. Goodell e-mailed, “This will be a new tradition. The Hairy Mane Trophy will be a hit with the fans. It’s a better gimmick than the XFL.”

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February 3, 2011

Packers and Steelers Fans 78% Less Productive During Last Two Weeks

PITTSBURGH, PA - (The Comedy News) - The two weeks between the NFL Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl have led to a 40% decrease in productivity for football fans with desk jobs. For fans of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers, the two Super Bowl contenders, productivity has decreased by 78%.

“I neglect my work typically for 25% of the day,” says PNC Bank employee Louis Landerski of Pittsburgh. “I work an eight hour day, and two hours of screwing off on the internet is my limit. But for the past two weeks, I’ve been watching Steelers highlights on ESPN.com and writing ‘Packers Stink’ and ‘Clay is for artists, not football players’ on message boards. I don’t really care that I have gotten basically like no work done at all. It’s the Super Bowl, who cares!”

One Packers fan, Donnie D’Amico of Queens, New York claims to have gotten no billable work done at all in the past nine business days. D’Amico, an analyst on Wall-Street, has been obsessed with checking Super Bowl ticket prices on StubHub.

“I keep thinking maybe, just maybe a $100 ticket will show up. I can’t afford the $2,000 that it would cost me to see the game, but I’m hopeful something cheap will pop up as the game gets closer. I’ve been putting an American Airlines flight to Dallas on hold each day in case I find that cheap game ticket,” explained D’Amico, a Packers fan for 28 years.

Both Packers fans and Steelers fans have spent a significant amount of time thinking of clever status messages to post on Facebook and Twitter to express their excitement for the game. Other popular topics have included ridiculing the other team’s city, and links to tearjerker rags-to-riches stories about players on the Packers and Steelers.

Some offices have been encouraging their employees to mix work with their football fandom. One firm in Manhattan will attempt to break up the monotony of suits and dresses by mandating ‘Football Jersey Fridays’---where the employees wear the jersey of their favorite NFL team. An anonymous Operations VP explained, “We can’t just fire everyone that spends all day on the Google and placing Vegas bets on the game. We’ve come to embrace it. As long as no one shows up in a Dallas Cowboys jersey. In that case, they’ll be fired.”

February 2, 2011

Pauly Shore Celebrates 43rd Birthday at Local 7-Eleven

ENCINO, CA (The Comedy News) - Actor and comedian Pauly Shore celebrated his 43rd birthday on Tuesday by throwing an all-day party with random patrons at a 7-Eleven Convenience Store in Encino, California.

The day kicked off at 6:57 AM with Shore pounding on the glass doors of the convenient store urging them to open for business a few minutes early. Upon entering the 7-Eleven, Shore immediately rejoiced, hugged the bewildered store manager, and announced that it was his 43rd birthday. For the remainder of the day, Shore would purchase Fritos, hot dogs, hot pockets, and Slurpees for random customers.

"Hey. Hey. Hey! Ya know what today is, my friend? Today is my 43rd birthday!" Announced Shore approximately 293 times throughout the day, according to store manager Yusuf D'Al Pinto. "Welcome to my party, feel free to grab a drink and some nosh, it's all on me," Shore would tell 7-Eleven customers.

Many have speculated that Shore celebrated his birthday with random shoppers at 7-Eleven because he has run out of friends that can tolerate his aloof ramblings and hyper-SoCal dialect. He was intent on celebrating his birthday and knew there would be plenty of potential co-revelers at the local 7-Eleven.

Shore has been known for indulging in 7-Eleven cuisine both on and off the big screen. In his most notable role as an actor ---as the ultra-chill surfer dude hipster sidekick of Sean Astin in Encino Man--- Shore's most famous scene was where he put his mouth up to the Slurpee dispenser and proceeded to ingest the frozen fruit drink into his mouth. He would then defend it to the store clerk by saying, "I'm just weezin the ju'uce."

By 11:00 PM when the 7-Eleven was closing for the evening, Shore had racked up a tab of $38,345.93. The tab consisted mostly of Mountain Dew and TGI Fridays boxed poppers at the end of the day. One patron caught onto Shore's generosity and birthday delusion and asked if he could buy the store out of all condoms and AA batteries. Shore kindly obliged.

"Get this man some dick grip, and all of the Ahh Ahh batteries! Man, I'm so glad you could come out for my birthday," Shore told the greedy customer/birthday guest. "I see you have a Veteran of Foreign Wars hat. You know I was in the Army once."

*****
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