Jerry Seinfeld Celebrates 57th Birthday Alone; Friends Watching Royal Wedding

NEW YORK, NY - (The Comedy New) - Comedian Jerry Seinfeld celebrated his 57th birthday today all by himself due to all of his friends being too captivated by the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  

"What's the deal with turning 57?" Lamented Seinfeld, sporting a multi-colored cone-shaped birthday hat.  "If you're gonna ditch a birthday party to watch a wedding, you don't do it on someone's 57th birthday.  That's like their Heinz Ketchup birthday."

Seinfeld had arranged to have 47 of his closest friends attend a birthday party at Old Homestead Steakhouse in the Chelsea district of New York.  He ordered Kobe beef burgers for all of the guests who had indicated that they would attend---burgers which cost $41 each.

"Had I known that my Heinz Ketchup birthday was gonna be marred by a rather distracting royal wedding, I would have had my mom give birth to me on another day, like May 1st.  No one celebrates May Day anymore," Seinfeld continued, dejectedly dipping his tater tot into a splotch of ketchup on one of the 47 placemats at the long steakhouse table.  

Seinfeld recalled that the last time he had zero attendees at his birthday party was his 38th birthday party on April 29,1992.  On that day,  the Los Angeles riots ruined Seinfeld's plans to have all of his friends have ice cream cake and see "Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards perform at the Laugh Factory. 

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King Ralph Snubbed from Royal Wedding Guestlist

BRIXTON, UK – (The Comedy News) – King Ralph, the lazy portly American slob who had a brief stint as King of England in 1991, has announced that he was not invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton this weekend.  

“I’m not really that offended,” explained Ralph, now a bouncer at Morris’ Tavern in Brixton.   I never really liked weddings anyways.  Except for the food and spirits.”

When asked what the best food he ever had at a wedding, King Ralph replied, “I was invited to Victoria and David Beckham’s wedding.  The dessert cart had all-you-can eat spotted dick.”

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Donald Trump Unveils His Official Douchebag Certification Papers

“There Is No Doubt That I’m The Biggest Douchebag In America ”

CONCORD, NH – (The Comedy News) – Just hours after President Barack Obama released a certified copy of his birth certificate, billionaire Donald Trump unveiled his offiical credentials certifying himself as one of the largest douchebags alive today.

“There have been egregious doubts that I am an enormous douchebag that bulldozes the poor and marries any bipedal blond dame just for publicity,” announced Trump at a press conference in New Hampshire.   “Today, we silence those doubts.  I might just be the biggest douchebag in America.”

The Douchebags Incorporated Conglomerate Klub Society, otherwise known as the D.I.C.K.S., released the parchment certification this afternoon, mostly to suppress rumors that Trump may be an altruistic individual that is a viable candidate for public office.   The parchment was made from the skin of a laborador retriever puppy, and is encrusted with diamonds and written with ink from a live Octopus. 

According to the D.I.C.K.S. communications director, Trump’s level of douchebaggery was in question following his purported run for the Oval Office in 2012.  

“People have always said Donald’s a douche.  That’s expected---he’s a dumb celebrity feigning to be a real estate genius, and has been for many years,” defended the D.I.C.K.S. communications director, Sylvester Stallone-Gibson.   “But there have been doubts over the years that maybe putting up homes and vacation spots shows a congenial, altruistic man behind the rancid combover.  And the D.I.C.K.S.’ mission is to certify these douchebags of society so they can be accepted into various organizations that  require a douchebag certification clearance. ” 

The organizations that require a douchebag certification clearance include Goldman Sachs, the Masters Golf Club, the roadies for the Artist formerly known as “Prince”, BMW of North America, and the University of Southern California athletic department.   

Career politicians are typically not eligible to get official douchebag certification from the D.I.C.K.S.  since they are already guaranteed the “douchebag” label from roughly half of their constituents.   Trump’s foray into politics recently has forced the D.I.C.K.S. to make clear that if Trump does become an official Presidential candidate, he always will be the certified douchebag that he has been for his entire life. 

Other members of the Douchebags Incorporated Conglomerate Klub Society  include Benjamin Franklin, Henry Paulson (former Goldman Sachs CEO), Jack Valenti (MPAA founder), “comedian” Andrew Dice Clay, Dallas Mavricks owner Mark Cuban, Michael Lohan (father of Academy Award repellant Lindsey Lohan), and reality TV star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.  

*****
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William and Kate To Just Honeymoon in London

LONDON, UK - (@TheComedyNews) - Prince William and Kate Middleton have announced their plans for their honeymoon following their marriage this weekend. 

"We're going to spend a week in London, and another week being tourists around the rest of England," announced Middleton, with her husband-to-be by her side.  "I've lived here my whole life, but have never ever condescended to the level of appreciating the famed tourist attractions of my home country."

The royal couple plans to start their honeymoon at the location of the ceremony, Westminster Abbey.  The 90-minute audio tour will include architectural facts about the gothic church, as well as a walk-by of the internment sites of Queen Elizabeth, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, and Charles Darwin. 

"I really want to take a photograph of me sitting in King Edward's Chair, but I don't think William will let me.  He always scorns me for being too much of a tourist," scoffed Middleton, while brandishing her new fannypack and sun visor.  "And then, I want to take a picture next to the Big Ben clock tower." 

William expects Kate to learn on the tour that Big Ben refers to the bell behind the clock at the Palace at Westminster, not the clock.

"I'm most excited for a visit to Wembley Stadium," Prince William smiled as he revealed further plans of their honeymoon.  "I haven't been to Wembley since Daddy [Prince Charles] took [Prince] Harry and I to see WWE's Summerslam back in 1992.  Mom didn't go, however.  She was a WCW fan."

Other events on the honeymoon itinerary will include taking lots of new 'profile pics' for facebook at Stonehenge, and several nauseating pictures of the two of them inside a red telephone box.  

The honeymoon will conclude with a quick seminar at Oxford University.  Prince William and Kate will be taking a three-hour course on the standard units of measurement in preparation for their upcoming move to Los Angeles where they plan on getting divorced in June. 

*****
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Super-Reform Jewish Family Confuses Passover with Yom Kippur

Family Butchers Story of Passover, Fasts for a Day

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH - (The Comedy News) – It was another confused foodless Passover seder at the Shapiro house this year.  

The super-reform Jewish family is not known for being very observant of the Jewish holidays and festivals, but for the second year in a row, they were motivated to give the festival celebrating the Jews’ liberation from slavery in Egypt a try.  

Unfortunately for the Shapiros and their 17 guests, they confused the rituals of Passover with Yom Kippur.  

Matzah was nowhere in sight.  They did not mention Moses even once.  

There was no maror, charoset, karpas, or even shank bone on the dining room table.  Gefilte fish sat in the refrigerator, and chocolate mousse cake was only a dream.  The wine glasses were all tucked away in a wooden cabinet that gazed over the confused gatherers.  

“Erev tov,”  Maury Shapiro announced to his family and guests.  “As we begin our Passover fast, we beg the Lord for atonement for our sins and celebrate our people’s liberation from bondage in Egypt.  And inscribed in the book of life we shall be.  Dayenu!”    

Passover is typically celebrated by a large feast, and is characterized by its lack of leavened bread---and lasts for an entire week.  Yom Kippur involves fasting without food or drink to atone for the sins from the past year, lasts for only a day, and takes place typically in the late summer or early fall months.  

Christopher McDougall, the boyfriend of Maury’s daughter Amy, was the only guest who had a suspicion that the Passover seder was grossly confused with another holiday. 

"Shouldn't there be matzah, and singing, and wine, and herbs?"  Inquired McDougall, an Irish Catholic and the only non-Jew at the table.   Murmurs of 'oy the goy', 'schpilkes', and 'Hamen'  became audible from the sneering others at the table.  

"Hasn't anyone ever seen that episode of The Rugrats where Grandpa Boris tells the story of Passover?  I think you Shapiros are---."  McDougall was cut off by his quietly embarrassed girlfriend. 

Following a recitation of a Torah portion from his Bar Mitzvah in 1974, Maury led the family and guests to the deck in the back of the house, where a three-walled sukkah stood.   There, they lit menorahs, exchanged gifts, and played dreidel until the next sunset. 

*****
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3-Day Waiting Period Now Required Before Buying A Ski-mask

DOJ:  "Background Checks Will Prevent Ski-masks from Going into Hands of Criminals"

VAIL, COLORADO - (The Comedy News) - The Department of Justice has had enough of ski-masks shrouding criminals' identities.  Starting July 1, ski apparel shops will be required to conduct a 3-day background check on any customers attempting to purchase a ski-mask. 

"The Justice Department, FBI, and law enforcement agencies throughout the country have waited a long time to mandate background checks for ski-mask purchases," announced a Justice Department spokesman.  "Background checks will prevent ski-masks from going into hands of criminals.  Rest assured, the only people this will affect is the very very few people who are already plotting crimes that involve wearing a ski-mask." 

Ski-masks have commonly been worn by criminals while they do their illegal acts.  Studies have shown that people that frequently participate in outdoor winter activities and purchase ski-masks are most likely to use their ski-mask for those winter activities only. 

There are some skiers, snowboarders and snowmobilers who fear that if they do not have an active record of being an winter outdoorsmen, they will not be sold a skimask.

"This is like so redic, man, a ski-mask never hurt anyone" lamented semi-professional snowboarder Dustin Lark.  "Hold on, so...if I like, stop skiing for say, the summer?  Will I lose my ski-mask license?  Wait, so I need a ski-mask license now?"

The Justice Department is certain that the 'Ski-Mask Background Check Act of 2011' will be a fine addition to many other blanket laws that incarcerate the wrong people but will seem like an intriguing talking point on a PowerPoint presentation.

*****
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The Best of the Worst Books Left on the Shelves at Borders

A Journey Through the Inventory of a Bankrupt Bookseller

WASHINGTON, DC - (The Comedy News) - As Borders bookstores close nationwide, customers have flocked to take advantage of the firesales to get rid of any remaining merchandise.  With discounts as high as 80% off, print edition bestsellers and classics are flying off of Borders' shelves.

There may not be any Tom Clancy or Dan Brown novels, or any Obama biopics on the shelves.  But what remains is a treasure trove of many forgotten books that should and will be judged by their covers:  

"I Dreamed a Dream" - A biopic on Susan Boyle and how she swooned Simon Cowell with her immaculate voice and potential for a makeover spin-off.

"The Futurist" - James Cameron's how-to book on making over-priced post-apocalyptic films with enough revenue to fix the U.S. economy.

"Those '70s Shows:  TV Trivia & Puzzles" - A must have for M*A*S*H* enthusiasts, Mork & Mindy fans, and all the most fascinating facts about those episodes of The Brady Bunch that people watched between moon landings.  

"The Ultimate Metallica Etc. Etc. Etc." - A tell-all about Lars Ulrich's jihad against Napster, as well as life after that time when they got drunk, gave each other haircuts, and made a pact to make their music unbearable. 

 "Texts from Last Night" - A print edition of the viral website's best posts.  Has been a hit with elderly readers who have no internet access, but want to read all about regrettable sexcapades and drunken debauchery. 

"Serious as Dog Dirt" - Bam Margera's first book.  After it was published, he set the first 1,000 copies on fire and skateboarded over the flames. 

"Simon Cowell" - The American Idol judge's biopic was originally going to be titled "Mein Kampf:  The Art of Spreading Discouragement". 

 "How to Boil Water" - A 600-page start-to-finish manual that takes readers from buying a pot at Target all the way up to their own kitchen where the water-boiling process starts to get really complicated. 

  "The Purpose of Christmas" -  An audiobook featuring children from around the world indiscriminately yelling "Presents, Playstation, iPad" all at once, in 59 languages, for 9 hours. 

"No Limits" - An audiobook of  Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps singing "Hail to the Victors" and offering dieting advice to people who are forced to swim for 18 hours per day by overbearing parents. 

 "The First Book of Seconds" - Some economists believe that being second-best is the new first place.  Profiles include George Harrison, the Buffalo Bills, and Saving Private Ryan at the 1999 Oscars. 

"Why You Should Store Your Farts in a Jar" - Martha Stewart was originally going to write this one and include recipes in the back. 

"Why Dogs Eat Poop" -  A sociological explanation for the age-old question. 

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Newt Gingrich are authors of some of the only remaining mainstream hold-outs on the Borders shelves.   (Click Photo to Zoom In) 

 "Here's the Situation" - Mike Sorrentino's journey from being a 5-year-old brat punk to an all-American douchebag that embarrasses himself on Comedy Central.

"Fist Pump" - A dance-instruction manual for disciples of the Jersey Shore.  

"Roseannearchy" - Roseanne Barr's screenplay for a film where the earth is destroyed after she's elected to some public office somewhere.


 

"Win Forever" - Coach Pete Carroll discusses how to use money and cars to get his way both on and off the football field.  Mixed in is a little bit of community service just so readers don't think Coach Carroll is a complete scumbag jerk, only a partial one. 

Photos taken at Borders Books at 18th and L Street in Washington, DC.  Yitgadal v' yitkadash.

*****
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John Boehner Becomes Cheetos Spokesman

PLANO, TX - (The Comedy News)  Frito-Lay Inc. announced today that Speaker of the House John Boehner will become the newest spokesman for their snack food product, Cheetos.  

"Speaker Boehner is known recognizable as the most powerful orange person in the world," announced Frito-Lay marketing director Stanley Bridges.  "Boehner's prominence, combined with that delicious crunchy cheesetastic taste of Cheetos will bring our products to many new markets."

Chester Cheetah, the reigning spokesman for Cheetos, has been skeptical about his new tag-team marketing partner.  

"Boehner has a lot to prove before he wins my respect as a Cheetos spokesman," explained Cheetah, after a staged photo-shoot with Boehner.   "He's orange.  I get it.  He cries alot.  Some see it as endearing.  But  he's also from Ohio.  And I've seen his legislative tactics, they seldom produce results.  That Boehner is dangerously cheesy."

Speaker Boehner holds a residence in West Chester, Ohio.  He is rumored to be taking up the nickname, "The West Chester Cheetah".   However, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office rejected his application due to his unabridged enthusiasm to shut down them and every other Federal Government entity. 

*****
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Marquette and UNC Cleared to Let Michael Jordan and Dwayne Wade Play In Sweet Sixteen

NEWARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - NCAA officials have confirmed that Michael Jordan and Dwayne Wade will be playing in the Sweet Sixteen basketball tournament match-up between Marquette University and the University of North Carolina this Friday in Newark.

"We at the NCAA were approached by both Michael [Jordan] and Dwayne [Wade] about coming back to the Marquette University Golden Eagles and and University of North Carolina Tar Heels.  We all agreed that having two legends coming back to college ball for just one game will be great for the sport, and even greater for advertising revenues," announced an NCAA official. 

This game will be Michael Jordan's first try at college basketball in 27 years. "All I gotta say is, I'M BACK!"  Announced an excited Jordan from his home in Charlotte.  "I'll be back in Chapel Hill to party it up each night this week.  I've only got 3 days to get back into my college training routine!  I'm pumped to bring that #23 Tar Heels jersey outta retirement." 

Dwayne Wade's return to the Golden Eagles' starting line-up wasn't an easy decision for the 7-time NBA All-Star.  "This is gonna be a blast.  Me and MJ, back playing for our schools," rejoiced Wade at a press conference.  "Although, now that I think about it, I should probably tell [Miami Heat] Coach Spoelstra and Pat Reilly.  I'm supposed to be in Miami at that time to play the Sixers.  Eh, whatevs."  

*****
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USA To Sell Coveted UN Security Council Vote On eBay

Economists Expect Sale of Permanent Veto Power To Help Offset  US Debt

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - In the wake of United Nations sanctions against Libya, the United States of America is considering auctioning its coveted vote on the UN Security Council.

"The unprecedented sale of the United States' vote on the Security Council could fetch as much as $500 billion on eBay," predicts economist Norm Finklebauer.  "The escalating situation in Libya could make the value of the vote increase by as much as 25% over the next week.  If there's any time to sell, the time is now."

Experts are confident that the sale of the security council vote by the United States will certainly be a catalyst for economic growth---particularly fixing the national debt and current budget debate.  The billions of foreign dollars that would be injected into the US economy would have an instant impact. 

The UN Security council was founded at the beginning of the Cold War in 1946.  It consists of 15 nations with the power to vote on resolutions to promote international peace and stifle conflict between countries.

Five members of the UN Security Council are permanent and have coveted veto power:  United States, China, United Kingdom, France, and Russia.

Prospective bidders on the United States' UN Security Council Vote

Egypt

--Some political clout on the global scale could get everyone to forget about that whole 2011 revolution thing. 

Brazil

--South America's most populated nation will do anything to make their upcoming 2016 Summer Olympics a better time than any of the culturally bankrupt summer games in Beijing, Athens, Sydney, Atlanta, and Barcelona. 

United Kingdom 

--Two votes are definitely better than one.  The UK with two votes could help them relive their 'glory days' of global imperialism. 

Yoko Ono

--A UN Security Council vote could be the final piece to the puzzle for Ono to fulfill her late husband John Lennon's business model for world peace, outlined in the song 'Imagine'.

*****
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Scott Walker Moves Wisconsin State Capitol Building to Brookfield Square

 

State Capitol Building Relocated to Thwart Protesters

BROOKFIELD, WI - (The Comedy News) - In an effort to prevent protests near his office, Governor Scott Walker has relocated the entire Wisconsin State Capitol Building 70 miles east to Brookfield. 

"This way, all those 1960's liberals can have Madison all to themselves to protest my ideas," Walker said in an AOL Instant Message.  "So let 'em protest all they want!"

For the past few weeks, there have been consecutive days of thousands of protesters at the lot where the State Capitol square in Madison once stood. With the relocation of the State Capitol  to Waukesha county, it now can be in a more "moderate" region of Wisconsin.  Waukesha County voted 62% for McCain and 37% for Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election.

Physically moving the 106-year-old State Capitol down Highway 43 to it's present location on Moorland Road was quite a daunting task.  The Governor's task force on Capitol Relocation hired 93,000 temporary workers to assist in the engineering anomaly.   Of those workers,  20,000 were from firms in Illinois, 50,000 from China, another 20,000 from Minnesota, and about 2,997 from Canada.  Only three jobs were created for workers from Wisconsin. 

*****
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Fred Durst Celebrates Ten-Year Anniversary of "My Way" Alone At The Barbershop

Barber:  "He's Basically Doing Nothing These Days"

JACKSONVILLE, FL - (The Comedy News) - The former front man to nu-metal band Limp Bizkit was finally located this week as he celebrated the ten-year anniversary of one his most eclectic songs.

Fred Durst was found this week celebrating the tenth year since the release of the song "My Way" (video) at Ritchie's Barbershop in Jacksonville, Florida.  A quick glance confirms what most assume about Durst's recent whereabouts:  he's doing basically nothing, and wearing a backwards red hat.

"He comes into the shop each day this week and asks for the Mike 'The Situation' cut," explained barber Ritchie Roberts.  "Since March 6th, he routinely walks in, physically removes a customer who's in the chair, and then takes a seat.   He'll ask for the Situation cut, yet never removes the dumb red hat.  Just sits there and mumbles to himself, 'check-check, check-check, check out ma melody.'   It's really irritating."

Ten years ago this week, "My Way" by Limp Bizkit was the #1 rock song on the billboards.  These days, it gets no playtime.  Capitol Hill insiders hint that "My Way" is so irreputable that the House of Representatives might pass a unanimous resolution to commemorate the song's cultural value to society.  Bloggers speculate that the song helped motivate President George W. Bush through some of his toughest decisions in 2001. 

Flash forward to 2011, and Durst is only a nuisance to the few that he approaches.  Unfortunately for Ritchie Roberts and his barbershop staff, they happen to be some of those unlucky few.  

"He doesn't even pay.  Just walks outta the shop mumbling, 'keep on rollin, rollin, rollin'", lamented the barber.  "Next time, I'm gonna do society a favor and shave "Huge douche" on his head.  Durst probably won't even notice". 

*****
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Bomb-Sniffing Dog Indicted For Corruption Scandal

German Shepherd Caused Dozens of Wrongful Arrests In Food-Stealing Scheme

CHICAGO, IL – (The Comedy News) – A Chicago Police Department bomb-sniffing dog  will stand trial this week for intentionally accusing innocent commuters of carrying malicious explosives.  

Kermit, the 3-year-old German Shepherd originally from Oak Park, is being accused of alerting authorities of suspicious bags containing explosives, when in reality, all Kermit had been looking for was food. 

“We have reason to believe that the defendant, the K-9 Kermit, barked ferociously, jumped and nipped at the bags of innocent people walking on the sidewalks of Chicago under the guise that there were harmful explosives inside,” said District Attorney Jerry Camper.   “The record will show that not only did the arrested individuals have nothing harmful in their bags, but any food items they had were devoured by Officer Kermit.”

The scandal broke when a complaint was filed with the head of the K-9 Unit by one of Kermit  deputies, Haley, a 2-year old border collie.   Haley did not explicitly say any wrongdoing by Kermit, but definitely brought attention to Kermit’s enthusiasm when nothing was found in suspicious bags except for food—typically cookies, bread, and dishes with chicken or beef.  

As Kermit became more and more aggressive with the K-9 officers when the bags (with no explosives) were being handed back to the commuters, Haley would whimper and cry.   Her sulking eventually paid off with Kermit being indicted in a Chicago court---after 17 wrongful arrests. 

The maximum sentence that Kermit faces is seven nights in the kennel crate, belly-rub probation for one month, and mandatory court-ordered counseling services facilitated by dogwhisperer Cesar Millan.  

*****
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Packers Update: AJ Hawk Gets Greedy In New Contract

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Green Bay Packers inside linebacker, AJ Hawk, was re-signed to a four-year deal with the reigning Super Bowl Champions. 

In addition to the $6-7 million he will make each year, there are several things Hawk required to be guaranteed in his contract before he would commit:

◊ A Shamwow, Magic Bullet, SlapChop, and George Foreman grill

 ◊ The pacecar for the 2011 Indianapolis 500.

◊ $5000-per-month stipend to shop at Target.

◊ Jim Carrey's car in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

◊ Above-ground pool for his childhood mobile home in Ohio.

◊ The Isle of Man.
◊ Squeeze bottle of Famous Dave's barbecue sauce.

◊ Night on the town with Brady Quinn's sister.

◊ Brett Favre's old number.

◊ Monthly appointments to go mallard hunting with former Vice-President Dick Cheney.


*****
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Wisconsin Teacher Caught Spending Wastefully at Walgreens

FOX POINT, WI – (The Comedy News) – A public school teacher from Milwaukee, Wisconsin was caught wastefully spending at a local Walgreens store by an outraged eyewitness.
 

The teacher has been identified as Mr. Mark Spranderson, a 33-year-old fifth grade history teacher at Ellsworth Middle School. Onlookers were shocked to see that Spranderson was spotted buying items not only out of necessity, but some even for leisure.

“I am mortified,” lamented Michelle Nilap, a stay-at-home mother of Brookfield who is married to a local real estate developer. Nilap was the shopper who first reported the local school teacher's wasteful spending incident. "Who does Mr. Spranderson think he is? Wasting all of his money on Healthy Choice beef and potatoes, generic qtips, and---get this--- two whole sticks of Old Spice deodorant. He's a teacher, a public school teacher, he should not have time to use these things. Such a wasteful spender. Hrmph."

Outrage has spread recently about getting public school teachers to potentially take a pay cut to help offset the deficit of the state of Wisconsin's budget. Citizens such as Ms. Nilap have gone out of their way to blow the whistle on public school teachers who, in their opinion, are the cause of Wisconsin's financial woes."

"Cheap black dress socks? Oh come on," continued Nilap, who herself purchased a facial hair zapper that day. "Public school teachers should not be spending their salaries---which come straight from tax payers' pockets, like my husband---on cheap black dress socks. It's not like the teachers have enough money to go the elite parties and brunches that I go to anyways." 

In a somewhat unrelated incident, after the interview at Walgreens, Nilap discovered that her Range Rover had been towed because it was parked in a handicap parking space. Nilap theorizes that it was Mr. Spranderson who reported her illegally-parked vehicle.

*****

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"Home Alone" Still Tops List of Highest Grossing Films With No Use of Special Effects or Animation

For many years, the top grossing films of all-time have included almost exclusively films loaded with special effects and animation. Forgotten in this mix are the films that generated audiences without the use of anything beyond a camera and a little bit of lighting.

Avatar? Harry Potter? Titanic? Star Wars? They may be some of the most revered and financially successful films of all-time. They lead in box office results, total budget, and imagination. But beyond all of the cool visual effects, a very peculiar list of films emerges:


Top Ten Films Of All Time That Did Not Use Special Effects or Animation

1) Home Alone $285,761,243 (1990)

2) Meet the Fockers $279,261,160 (2004)

3) The Hangover $277,322,503 (2009)

4) The Blind Side $255,959,475 (2009)

5) My Big Fat Greek Wedding $241,438,208 (2002)

6) Mrs. Doubtfire $219,195,243 (1993)

7) Wedding Crashers $209,255,921 (2005)

8) Grease $188,389,888 (1978)

9) Dances with Wolves $184,208,848 (1990)

10) Liar Liar $181,410,615 (1997)


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(Source: BoxOfficeMojo.com)

Scott Walker Officially Ends Super Bowl XLV High For Wisconsin

New Governor Puts An End To Jubilation, Jobs

MADISON, WI – (@TheComedyNews) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker decided this week that now is the time to officially put an end to all Super Bowl XLV celebrations.

"There are over five-million overly jubilant Packers fans in the great state of Wisconsin, and my cabinet believes that the time is now that all five-million of us stop celebrating the Green Bay Packers' championship glory and focus on trimming the ailing budget," declared Governor Walker, while drinking a Budweiser. "What good is a Super Bowl for your home state team when no one wants to sacrifice a little bit of fun to make it look like their Johnny-come-lately first-term governor can balance the state's checkbook. Stop being so greedy and let's slash some funding!"

Governor Walker this week has led a charge to eliminate collective bargaining for unionized state workers. This will almost certainly lead to lower funding and lost jobs at many public schools throughout Wisconsin. Walker also is issuing an executive order to officially end any additional celebration of the Green Bay Packers' Super Bowl victory last week because it is wasteful and, Walker thinks that personally, it's pathetic.

Governor Walker's additional proposed changes to quell the deficit:

•Privatizing Lake Michigan to increase the price of water at restaurants.

•Moving the Milwaukee Brewers back to Seattle.

•Selling all land north of Hayward to Minnesota and Canada for $0.05 per acre.

•Eliminating the Marquette interchange because a school doesn't need a whole freeway all to itself.

Walker continues to defend his proposals while emphasizing that he's just an ordinary citizen trying to do what's best. "Don't get me wrong, I am a Packers fan like the rest of all of you. But I'm a deficit hawk first. You're either with me or against me. God bless Wisconsin."

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Bob Woodward Ruins Carl Bernstein’s Surprise Party

WASHINGTON, DC – (The Comedy News) – A surprise party to celebrate the 67^th birthday of journalist Carl Bernstein was foiled by his long-time investigative journalism partner, Bob Woodward.

The surprise birthday party was organized by Bernstein’s wife, Christine, along with his children Alfred and Sylvia. Bernstein’s family had planned the event to be an extravagant surprise birthday party at the Washington Hilton Hotel on Valentine’s Day for their accomplished father.

The invitations instructed the over 300 guests to, “Come Celebrate the Big Six-Seven With Carl, But Don’t Tell Him, It’s a Surprise!!!”

One of the invitees, Bob Woodward took that invitation as an opportunity to be the whistle-blower on a potentially huge news story. He initially broke the news by creating a ‘breaking news’ email alert with the Washington Post.

However, Woodward used his journalistic integrity to conceal the identity of his sources for the tip that led to ruining the surprise birthday party. The code-names he used for his sources, which presumably are just Bernsteins’ family members who sent the invitations, were Money Shot, Philly Fakeout, and Angry Dragon.

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