Maryland's New Football Jerseys Recalled After Being Found to Induce Vomiting

COLLEGE PARK, MD - (@TheComedyNews) - The University of Maryland's new football jerseys have been recalled by the FDA due to thousands of cases of inducing vomiting in on-lookers.

"We have reason to believe that these garish, hideous uniforms have caused upwards of 50,000 people to spontaneously vomit upon first sight," an FDA spokesman announced.  

Similar recalls have been forced upon other sports teams including the Oregon Ducks and the 1965 Houston Astros.  

Recently, there has been a class-action lawsuit by the FDA against graphic t-shirt "designers" Affliction and Ed Hardy, for inducing vomiting, cringing, hate and all around faithlessness in society when people see their products.

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POLL: 100% of Big Ten Football Fans Don't Know What the New Divisions Are Named

33% of Opening Week Football Fans "Don't Give A Shit" About New Divisions: Leaders & Legends

MIDWESTERN USA - (@TheComedyNews) -A Poll released today finds that all Big Ten Conference football fans either don't know the new division names in the now 12-team conference, or just don't give a shit.

The poll was conducted over this past opening week of college football at Big Ten stadiums throughout the Midwest.  Random fans were asked, "What are the names of the new six-team divisions in the Big Ten Conference?"

The results (as seen in the pie graph on the right) show that there is not a single Big Ten football fan that knows what the divisions in the conference are.

And what exactly do Big Ten football fans think the conference divisions are named?

21% - Labias & Lesions
18% - Libya & Lobbyists
15% - Ladies & Gentlemen
33% - I don't give a shit. 
11% - "Go Blue!"

LEADERS & LEGENDS
Dividing schools up into two divisions is a new concept for the Big Ten conference.  The division names, Leaders & Legends, were released in 2010 in the wake of Nebraska joining the Big Ten to bring the total number of teams in the conference to an even twelve.

Big Ten officials refuse to confirm that the two words were lifted straight out of the University of Michigan's fight song.  Officials also refuse to confirm that "Leaders & Legends" were purposefully selected to be an arrogant put-down against conferences that dare to condescend to divide their teams up using geographic monikers (North, South, East, and West).

Pollsters did encounter their fair share of harassment.  Below is a list of other commonly heard responses to the question, "What are the names of the new six-team divisions in the Big Ten Conference?"

"I know it starts with an L, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY have to do this 3-story beer bong.  It's like, tradition, man!"  (Madison, Wisconsin)

"I-O-W-..."  (Iowa City, Iowa)

"Can't we just skip this test and start basketball season 2 months early?"  (East Lansing, Michigan)

"The better question is, why the hell isn't Joe Paterno talking about his starring role in the Academy Award-nominated film, 'Up'?" (University Park, Pennsylvania)

"If you know what the division names are, you hate freedom, you hate America and you want the terrorists to win.  GO BUCKEYES!"  (Columbus, Ohio)

 "Hail to those motherf---..."  (Ann Arbor, Michigan)



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DC Hit With Third Natural Disaster This Week As Mount Vernon Erupts in a Volcanic Fury

Volcano Joins Earthquake, Hurricane Irene in Latest Non-Government-Related Catastrophe to Hit DC

 

George Washington's home (foreground) with Mount Vernon nearby spewing lava for first time since 1252 AD.

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Hurricane Irene on Pace to Wash Away Cast of 'Jersey Shore'

The cast of Jersey Shore moments before getting miraculously trapped underneath a pier, toppled by Hurricane Irene.

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ - (@TheComedyNews) - In only a few hours, Hurricane Irene will come closer than any other force known to man to completely wash away any remnant of the Jersey Shore. 

"This could be the one that we have all been anticipating---yes--- a hurricane with enough power to wash away the cast of the Jersey Shore," announced a spokesman for the National Weather Service.  "Millions of Americans have tried since 2009 to convince MTV that the show has got to go, but as we will see this weekend, it will be a tenacious hurricane named Irene that takes care of the business once and for all."

Experts believe that once Hurricane Irene rips through the Jersey Shore, all that will be left will be thick globules of hair-gel, scattered containers of sunless tanner, and tattered (yet seemingly unscathed) graphic t-shirts. 

The cast of Jersey Shore is unsurprisingly cavalier and cocky when questioned about their show's upcoming demise.

"Irene?  Uh hah hah!"  Snickered Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.  "Some girl named Irene think she's gonna take us out?  I tells ya what, Irene blows alright.  She blows me, and then goes on to Pauly, Vinny, and Ronnie too---if she can find his weather vein.  Huh huh," continued Sorrentino.  

Jennifer Farley, otherwise known on the show as J-Woww, also had some words for Hurricane Irene.  

"I'm gonna try to uppercut her, that bitch Irene," sneered J-Woww.  "If that fat ass tropical storm tries to mess with us J-Shore peeps, I'm gonna throw a f*cking drink in Hurricane Irene's face." 

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Fox "News" Fined for Improper Overuse of Adverbs

FCC Upset Over Fox News' Improper Overuse of 'Allegedly', 'Reportedly', 'Supposedly'

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) -The Federal Communications Commission has fined the Fox "News" Channel for improper overuse of adverbs in their "news" story headlines.

"It has come to our attention that Fox "News" has been conjecturing content and topics for its TV shows and online publications," announced an FCC spokesman.  "In short, we are fining Fox "News" $54 billion for just making junk "news" up and getting away with it by a cunning use of adverbs."

The FCC sanctions also require Fox to put quotation marks around the word 'News" in both their logo and any official mentioning of Fox "News" in its content.  This is meant to distinguish Fox's product from all of the less polluted news sources.

The dictionary defines adverbs as "a word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a phrase, expressing a relation of place, time, circumstance, manner, cause, degree, etc.". 

Common examples of adverbs in the English language end in "-ly". 

The sanctions against Fox "News" come a day after the network decided it would be nice and shocking to mislead the public about the East Coast Earthquake destruction with the headline, "Washington Monument Reportedly Tilting". 

Other false stories by Fox "News" made slightly truer through the cunning use of adverbs include the following headlines (adverbs in bold): 

-Macauley Culkin and Kieren Culkin Purportedly Signed-on To Star as Wet Bandits in 'Home Alone' Remake.

-Afghanistan Allegedly in Talks with Obama and Democrats to Become 51st State

-Study:  Thinking Reportedly Linked to Brain Cancer, AIDS

-God Supposedly Considering Hiring Ronald Reagan to Judgement Board of Directors

The FCC also concluded that they would say that the American people are tired of hearing false, deceptive, crooked "news" proliferating the mainstream dialogue by Fox "News".  But after a few minutes of careful study, the FCC has concluded that the American people can hardly get enough of sensational, exaggerated, untrue slimy "news".

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Obama Takes Another Vacation on his Ranch in Crawford, Texas

Outraged Republicans: "It's Unprecedented, Irresponsible"

CRAWFORD, TEXAS - (@TheComedyNews) - President Barack Obama will be spending the next two weeks vacationing on his family ranch in Crawford, Texas---and republicans are quite irked.  

The 44th President and his family arrived in Crawford where he is expected to be chopping down trees, off-roading in his pick-up truck, and avoiding reading any intelligence memos relating to terrorism. 

Republicans have seized the opportunity to scrutinize Obama for taking a vacation in Texas while ignoring the needs of the American people. 

"Never before has a President taken vacation from his duty in Warshington," spat republican Elmer Earl Jerbison, a puppy-mill owner from Tulsa, Oklahoma.  The Constitution does not say anything about the President being allowed to go on no damn vacation to no damn Texas."

Jerbison is correct in his assertion that the Constitution does not micromanage the President. 

"The founding fathers, George Warshington and Thomas Jefferson, didn't take vacations," Jerbison continued.  "The founding fathers were always hard at work at being President.  And back then, the President got no help to do nothin'.  All by themselves, Warshington and Jefferson would run the country and plow the fields at their plantations which in today's dollars, would have been worth half a billion bucks.  That Obama...unprecedented, and irresponsible." 

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a current Presidential candidate from Minnesota took an even bigger step into the land of lies and bullshit by announcing on Twitter, "the founding fathers wouldn't have appreciated Obama going on vacation while treating the American taxpayers as slaves." 

President Obama's vacation has also been marred by on-going protests on the perimeter fence of his Crawford Ranch.  The day and night protests are being orchestrated by the mother of a Tea Partier who's son tragically died while attempting to slash the tires of vehicles owned by the Democratic Party. 

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The Hidden Pork of the Budget Ceiling Deal

WASHINGTON, DC  - (@TheComedyNews) - Now that President Barack Obama has signed the Budget Control Act of 2011, the good news is the United States does not default on their debts.

The bad news?  Pork barrel programs that were deceptively added by greedy Republicans, Democrats, and Joe Lieberman for Connecticut party members.  



Projects included in the budget deal but not made public until after its passage include:

-The withdrawal of funds for extraterrestrial nourishment in Area 51.


-The elimination of talking toilet seats from each Governors personal bathroom (yes it was federally funded); the House and Senate retain their toilet seats.


-Federal subsidies for celebrities to get out of jail for excessively large bails.


-Vouchers for federal legislators to receive elective plastic surgery.


-Eliminating funds for the biweekly keg party in each federal circuit court.


-Government contracts to businesses to produce small American flags that are provided via air drop to Third World Countries and China.


-Federal loans to Greece to help end their recession in exchange for 6 Billion pounds of lamb.


-The confirmation of Pete Rose to head the Internal Revenue Service.

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HISTORIANS: Foggy Bottom Originated as 1775 Slang for "Swamp Ass"

WASHINGTON, DC - (@TheComedyNews) - Historians at George Washington University have uncovered the origins of the name of one of the oldest neighborhoods in Washington, DC.  

According to their research, the neighborhood Foggy Bottom got its name in 1775 as a slang term for what is currently known as "swamp ass".  

"Foggy Bottom is an affliction that has plagued every resident of Washington, DC dating way past the Revolutionary War times," a GWU professor notes. 

"In 1775, then General George Washington was frequently irritated by his soldiers who were late to formation because they had been changing their sweaty underwear---especially during the humid, sultry 90-degree summer days in DC".   

The discomfort felt by the revolutionary soldiers came to be known as "Foggy Bottom" due to the influx of "foggy" moisture on the posterior "bottom" of people exposed to the dewy elements of the DC basin.  

It is widely known that the thicker the of the undergarments---particularly those of soldiers in uniform--- the more intense the Foggy Bottom case becomes. 

In 2011, Foggy Bottom in its original connotation is almost completely absent from the DC vernacular.  The common term for sweaty undergarments causing discomfort on one's posterior is now known worldwide as "swamp ass". 

 

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Bachmann Blames Heatwave on "Illegal" Mexican Air

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - (@TheComedyNews) - Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced today that she has figured out the source of the massive deadly heatwave stretching from the midwest to the east coast.  

"This deadly heat that's making patriotic Americans all sweaty and gross is coming from none other than Mexico," the Minnesota Representative said while wafting cold air from her refrigerator.  "If President Barack Obama would have done something about illegal crossings over the Mexican border, none of this hot Mexican air would have escaped to America and hurt our red, white and blue weather."  

Bachmann has also been declaring that if she becomes President, she plans to eliminate the National Weather Service.  

"Until the National Weather Service toughens their stance on illegal heat from Mexico creeping into America, they can kiss their funding goodbye in 2013.  That's how you cut spending, my fellow Americans."

In her latest speech, Bachmann speculated that if the United States does not build a wall to keep illegal immigrant weather from seeping over the southern border, summer temperatures could climb to a sinful 666 degrees Fahrenheit by the year 2013. 

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LEAKED: Netflix's Original Draft of Price Change Email

LOS GATOS, CALIF - (@TheComedyNews) -  A day after surprising their members with exorbitant price increases, DVD and movie-streaming giant Netflix has accidentally leaked the first draft of the email notification sent out to its 23.6 million subscribers.
 
[Text of Draft Email Below]



 Dear  Sucker Netflix Member,

It is with great pride and power that We are are separating unlimited DVDs by mail and unlimited streaming into two separate plans to better line our pockets with our customers' hard-earned cash reflect the costs of each. Now all of you couch-potatoes our members have a choice: a streaming only plan, a DVD only plan, locating a Blockbuster Video store or both.

Your current $15.00 $14.99 a month membership for unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs is pretty awesome.  But alas, your satisfaction is not nearly as paramount as ensuring that the top executives of Netflix have a yacht for each of the four oceans, so your membership will be split into 2 distinct plans:

   Plan 1: Unlimited Streaming (no DVDs) for $8.00 $7.99 a month
   Plan 2: Unlimited DVDs, 2 out at-a-time (no streaming) for $12.00 $11.99 a month

That's right, we are raising the price without adding anything new.  It's called capitalism and greed. 
Your price for getting both of these plans will be $20.00 $19.98 a month ($7.99 + $11.99). You don't need to do anything to continue your memberships for both unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs.

These prices will start for charges on or after the tenth anniversary of the September 11 attacks September 1, 2011.  God Bless America. 

Unless you're a computer-illiterate moron (and we hope you are), You can easily change or cancel your unlimited streaming plan, unlimited DVD plan, or both, by going to the Plan Change page in Your Account.

We hope you realize that we at Netflix have you by the balls you have many choices for home entertainment, and we thank you for your business. We really don't care about what you think as long you keep paying your monthly membership fee.  As always, if you have questions, please feel free to call us at 1-900-MIX-A-LOT 1-888-357-1516.

–The Netflix Team

P.S.
Mwah hahahahahha.  

NASA: Astronauts Will Ride The Bus To Space

NASA Reluctantly Gets Rid of 1980s Vehicles;  Astronauts "Thrilled" to Ride Public Transit into Orbit

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - (@TheComedyNews) - As Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off into space this afternoon, future Astronauts geared up for the next phase of manned space flight in the United States:  the Space Shuttle Bus.

The Space Shuttle Bus is expected to take over the Space Shuttle Program that is being retired after 30 years of flight.

"We really liked keeping those old Space Shuttle things around," announced NASA Director Boulden.  "Discovery, Atlantis, Endeavour---they were really like Honda Civics---they could last forever.  But alas, we're retiring the old vehicles and the future of manned spaceflight for the indefinite future is all about public transit--- meet the Space Shuttle Bus!"

The current crop of NASA astronauts are reportedly "thrilled" that the Space Shuttle Program is shifting to public transportation.

"I used to ride the bus all the time," explained Mission Specialist Ronald Jetty.  "I'm a city guy, I come from Chicago, and I really gotta say the bus is such an underrated mode of transportation.  I'm so glad they finally got buses to go to space.  Some of the other astronauts have been all pissy about now being forced to ride the bus to space.  Bunch of north shore ninnies from the suburbs.  Maybe they can just wait for their mommy's minivan to fly to space.  It could be worse--- we could always resort to carpooling with the Russian space program.  Yeah right, we're better than that!"

Some big name astronauts are coming out of retirement to fly in Space Shuttle Bus' maiden flight.  These include first American to orbit the Earth, John Glenn, first human to set foot on the moon Neil Armstrong, and former cosmonaut-to-be Lance Bass.  

The first launch pad for Space Shuttle Bus will be located at the street corner of 1060 West Addison Street in Chicago, Illinois.

NASA has declined to go into details as to how the Space Shuttle Bus will actually fly into Space.

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Top 10 Most Patriotic American Films Since 1776

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - (@TheComedyNews) -   It is that time of year where the patriotic Americans come out in droves to celebrate their country's independence from Great Britain in 1776.

And the only thing more Patriotic than watching high-budget patriotic films is making a top ten list about them.

Honorable Mentions

Braveheart (1995) - Although the film does not depict Americans winning independence, it is still a depiction of a group of oppressed rebels kicking some British Royal ass.

Super Size Me (2004)- Big Macs are basically synonymous with America. What can be more patriotic than eating copious amounts of McDonald's for a month?

Almost Heroes (1998)- A big fat American, Chris Farley, beats the British (and Lewis and Clark) in a race to the Pacific Ocean in 1803. His public relations team is not that good, so Lewis and Clark end up taking all of the credit. 

Glory (1989) - America's favorite truant student grows mutton chops and leads America's first all-black military regiment against the Robert E. Lee and the Confederate Army. 

Top Gun (1986) - Unnecessarily glorifying Tom Cruise is pretty damn American. 

Armageddon (1998) - When the end of the World is upon us, a team of American deep-sea crude oil drillers led by Bruce Willis will save the day.  

Ghostbusters 2 (1989) - The Statue of Liberty takes a stroll through Manhattan, and then destroys the ceiling of a goulish art museum.

Miracle (2004) - Kurt Russell shows the world that a bunch of college boys from Minnesota, North Dakota and Wisconsin can whip the Soviets in their bread, butter, and borscht: ice hockey.

Top 10 Most Patriotic American Films Since 1776: 

10) True Lies (1994) - Arnold Schwarzenegger has to stop Key West from becoming the next Hiroshima. 

9) Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008) - The sequel to the greatest road trip film of all time features a Homeland Security agent asking, "Is it freedom o'clock?"

8) The Patriot (2000) - This is the only film on this list that actually depicts the Revolutionary War.  Mel Gibson defeats the Redcoats and helps America win Independence.  In an alternate ending only on a limited edition DVD, Mel Gibson gets beaten to a bloody pulp by a regiment of his own Jewish soldiers. 

7) South Park Movie: Bigger, Longer And Uncut (1999) - America fights Canada over a petty dispute about cartoon profanity. And when you can't decide on a good villain to unite against, always be sure to default to Saddam Hussein.  Hey, it worked for President Bush. 

6) Saving Private Ryan (1998) - If films could fight a war, Steven Spielberg's epic World War II film would duke it out with Shakespeare In Love (1998) for the Academy Award for Best Picture...and then lose for some reason.

5) Beerfest (2006) - Benjamin Franklin once said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." This film is the epitome of what it is to be young careless in America--- chugging obnoxious amounts of beer to prove is the coolest kid in high school.

4) Die Hard I-IV (1988-2007) - Bruce Willis defeats the Germans twice and puts down two rebellions in America. Yippee-ki-yay [Mister Falcon].

3) Independence Day (1996)- Bill Pullman gives the greatest wartime Presidential address since Gettysburg. And the combination of the Fresh Prince's witty one-liners, the annoying bastard from Jurassic Parks I and II, and Randy Quaid destroying a 9-mile-diameter spaceship dramatizes America's ability to fend off an alien invasion. In the immortal words of Captain Steven Hillard, "Welcome to Earth!".

2) National Treasure (2004) / The Rock (1996) / Con Air (1997) - Nicholas Cage is what every American jockstrap bonehead aspires to be:   explosive, awesome, and a buried in a slurry of box office cash and rotten tomatoes. These films include fire, car chases, convicts, gratuitous gun usage, and Disney-esque happy endings.

1) Rocky IV (1984) - The perennial underdog, Rocky Balboa, battles Communist Russia's top boxer---a steroid receptacle named Ivan Drago.  While behind enemy lines in the U.S.S.R., Rocky wins the Cold War without dropping one nuclear bomb. Ivan Drago, on the other hand, goes on to serve as the inspiration for Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Hulk Hogan, and other patriotic American heroes and role models.

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Frankenstein Drafted #1 By Cleveland Cavaliers in NBA Draft

NEWARK, NJ - (@TheComedyNews) - German basketball star Heinrich "Heinie" von Frankenstein was selected first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the 2011 NBA draft .

The 8'3" behemoth from Munich is expected to make an immediate impact with his abilities to block, rebound, and scare the wits out of opposing players and fans alike.

"This man could signal a new era of the league where corpses can play and owners do not have to worry about injuries," commented NBA Commissioner David Stern.  Stern also noted that the league has planned to make rule changes to accommodate corpses including the "The Mike Tyson Rule", no gnawing or eating of human flesh on the court or benches.

Frankenstein immediately signed a contract for 5 years worth $97 million and has endorsement deals with Taco Bell and Volkswagen.  Upon signing with the Cavaliers, Heinie commented, "Me vahhnt braaaains," in a deep drawl.

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Bob Saget to Play Anthony Weiner in Made-for-TV Movie, "Weinergate"

Biopic Will Show How Job Performance Is Much Less Important Than Personal Life   

QUEENS, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - Actor and comedian Bob Saget has been tapped by Anthony Weiner himself to play the former Congressman in the upcoming made-for-TV movie, "Weinergate".

Saget, known around the comedy scene for his vulgar and graphic stand-up material, is said to not only look like Anthony Weiner when he wears his contact lenses, but also has the tendency to yell similarly to former Congressman Weiner.

"I invited Bob over to my bungalow in Queens this week, we had a good talk," describes Weiner, clad in a Mets sleeveless shirt at a Golds Gym.  "Bob proved to me that not only does he basically look like me and have the propensity to drop f-bombs and impress a lot of ladies, he is also a huge proponent of health care reform."

Weiner also asked Saget to do a health care reform-themed Aristocrats joke at the top of his lungs at some random republican dissidents.  Details of the graphically hilarious partisan rant have not yet been published, but eye-witnesses say some of the topics covered included John Boehner's tanning lotion, a highway rest-stop toilet, and John Stamos moonlighting as a urologist.

At that point, Weiner was sure that Saget was the man to portray him in a made-for-TV movie.

CBS is set to air the made-for-TV movie on labor day weekend.  Principal photography will begin this weekend in a government-operated locker room.

Although the film is set to be titled, "Weinergate", the producers are considering renaming the project something more original:

--"Huma's Cool With It: The Anthony Weiner Story"

--"Congressman Beefcake Goes to the Gym"

--"Cable News Casualties Caught on Tape"

--"No Different Than A Constituent"

--"Life in the I Don't Give A Fuck Lane"

--"Everybody's Done It, So Shut Up"

 --"How to Be Great At Your Job And Get Forced To Resign Over Shit That Is No One's Business But Yours"

*****

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Meteorologists: DC Interns Are the Cause of DC Humidity

Influx of Unpaid, Obnoxious Interns Found to Attract Sweltering Summer Weather 

WASHINGTON, DC - (@TheComedyNews) - Meteorologists at the National Weather Service have released a study finding that the sweltering summer humidity in Washington, DC is due to the influx of unpaid summer interns. 

"We have analyzed data dating back to 1799, when the first summer interns were commissioned to help with the labor of governing the United States," according to Dr. Roger Patrick, the lead meteorologist on the study.  "Interns were originally the children of only Congressmen,  clergymen, and bankers, and their parents wanted them to come to town to learn about running the government before any of the other general public did."  

The study notes that before 1799, the District of Columbia had very mild summers with average temperatures rarely exceeding 75 degrees Fahrenheit, and virtually no humidity at all.

Over the years, as the size of the federal government expanded, more and more interns came to DC to spend their summers working at unpaid jobs---and have thus caused the humidity that engulfs the nation's capital from May until September. 

Today's interns attract more atmospheric moisture than ever.  Interns are seen in droves crowding the Metro train, dancing obnoxiously at the worst bars in town,  boasting about Fraternity and Sorority obligations, and are overheard in the hallways having the most arrogant conversations amongst each other.  When these unfortunate things happen, there is a hormone released when such human smugness reaches astronomic levels.  That hormone, called arrogantimone, is then released into the atmosphere and lingers in the form of humidity for six to eight weeks. 

Even as this article is being composed, two interns exchanged in typical humidity-causing banter:

"Hey Lisa, we need to go to McFaddens tonight, I hear it's a really fancy place so no wearing any of your polarbear Midwestern cardigans."

"Oh you wish you were Midwestern, Brynn.  You don't have college football on your campus."

"Tufts University has football, but no one cares about it.  Also, Tufts is in Boston, that's the same place where Harvard is.  Besides, you're not Midwestern, you're from Miami." 

"I go to Michigan, and Michigan's in the Midwest, so therefore I'm Midwestern.  Michigan also has the largest football stadium in America."

"Well, you work at a non-profit, that's gotta be lame.  My intern coordinator at the House of Representatives says that I get to take a picture with the Congressman at the end of the summer."

"How many more stops until Foggy Bottom/GWU subway station?"

As this conversation went on, the windows of the Metro train began to slightly fog up.  An entire DC Summer interns blog has been set up to document such incidents. 

Some estimates say that the 110,000 or so interns that will come to DC in the summer of 2011 will make this year one of the most humid on record. 

One of the more intriguing findings during the National Weather Service's research of the correlation between unpaid interns and DC summer humidity was the emergence of America's first intern.

George Washington had who is now known as the first intern in the history of the United States.  His name was Jebbediah McMonica and he was a "Generals Apprentice", a civilian servant tasked with drawing copies of maps, making lists, and preparing morning coffee for President Washington. 

According to primary sources, many of these Generals Apprentices often complained of a wet, murky undergarment defect they would get in their clothing after working long unpaid hours.  In the late 1700s, this was known as "Foggy Bottom".  Today, this aliment is now known as "swamp ass".   

*****

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Lactose-Intolerant Indy 500 Winner Absent from Victory Party

Dan Wheldon Drinks Victory Milk, Misses Post-Race Celebrations

  

INDIANAPOLIS, IND. - (@TheComedyNews) - In front of a capacity crowd of 257,325 spectators, English driver Dan Wheldon won the Indianapolis 500 car race this afternoon, only to go missing immediately following the race----presumably due to his lactose intolerance.

It has been tradition since 1933 that the winner of the Indianapolis 500 drink a bottle of "victory milk" as they accept the victory trophy.  Although the winners have the option to drink whole, 2%, or skim milk, there has never been any lactose-free milk offered to the winners.

Unfortunately for Dan Wheldon, he joins a short list of lactose-intolerant Indy 500 winners.  

It became apparent that Wheldon was uncomfortable on the victory stage when he started chugging the victory milk and clutching his abdomen.  As he started to writhe in discomfort, Wheldon started dousing himself with the milk, likely in an effort to avoid drinking any more, and to appease the raucous car racing fans watching on TV at home.  

"Yeah, we haven't seen 'em since he was on the victory stage," described 4-time Indy 500 winner AJ Foyt.  "He looked like me when I had just won the race in 1977.  I took two big gulps and then... woosh!  Right to the stomach it went to wreak havoc.  Poor guy."

Wheldon was absent from his victory party, but he did, however, update his Twitter page during his absence:  "Ughhh, crampy.  These weren't the fireworks I was expecting." 

It is rumored that once Wheldon emerges from the bathroom that he will get an offer to be an official spokesman for Lactaid. 

*****
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Sarah Palin Releases iTunes Library; Proves Taste for Hip Hop

Former Alaska Gov. Enjoys Hip Hop, Comedy, Audiobooks

 [CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE]

WASILLA, AK - (@TheComedyNews) - To quell allegations that she does not care for hip hop, Sarah Palin has released a screenshot of a playlist in her iTunes ---showcasing an eclectic variety of interest.  Both her playlists names and a list of songs in a playlist titled, "President Sarah Palin" are listed below: 

A variety of playlists were listed:

--Batshit Brainstorming
--Bristols Dances
--Country-Ass Tunes!
--Hunting Mix
--I'm Not Racist Proof 2
--Line Dancing Class
--President Sarah Palin
--Ronald Reagan Speeches
--Ted Nugent Live
--WWE Entrances
--Country-Ass Tunes 2
--ABCs and 123s
--Angry vMails from RNC
--Audacity of Hope Audiobook
--Comedy Central Roasts
--Karl Rove's Talking Points
--This Old Man/John McCain's old stuff
--Liberal Musicians
--Magazine Reading Zen
--Rosetta Stone - 1A English

Sarah Palin's songs:

--"Highway to Hell" - AC/DC
--"Peace with Inches Speech" - Al Pacino
--"My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
--"No Woman, No Cry" - Bob Marley
--"The Rising" - Bruce Springsteen
--"Super Bowl Shuffle" - 1985 Chicago Bears
--"Fantastic Voyage" - Coolio
--"Bootylicious" - Destiny's Child
--"Ruff Ryders Anthem" - DMX
--"Gimmie That Nut" - Eazy-E
--"White America" - Eminem
--"Guys Named Todd" - George Carlin
--"Gun Enthusiasts" - George Carlin
--"There Is No God" - George Carlin
--"American Idiot" - Green Day
--"Driving Miss Daisy" - Hans Zimmer
--"The Power of Love" - Huey Lewis and the News
--"Natural Born Killaz" - Ice Cube
--"Living in America" - James Brown
--"Say it Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud" - James Brown
--"99 Problems" - Jay-Z
--"Jesus Walks" - Kanye West
--"Faith" - Limp Bizkit
--"Mambo Number Five" - Lou Bega
--"Black or White" - Michael Jackson
--"Air Force Ones" - Nelly
--"Party and Bullshit" - Notorious B-I-G
--"Remix to Ignition" - R-Kelly
--"I Can Change"  - Saddam Hussein
--"Push It" - Salt-N-Pepa
--"Truly Madly Deeply" - Savage Garden
--"Gangsta Luv" - Snoop Dogg
--"America, Fuck yeah" - Team America:  World Police

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Hats To Be Banned at Kentucky Derby Due to Rise in Gang Violence

Rival Gangs Clash at Churchill Downs;  Oversized Garish Hat Was Tip-off 

LOUISVILLE, KY - (@TheComedyNews) - The longstanding tradition of wearing your best, biggest, brightest hat at the Kentucky Derby has been officially prohibited by Derby officials.  

What seemed to be a jovial 2011 running of the Kentucky Derby was marred by debutanté gang violence on Saturday.  According to witnesses, a gaggle horse breeders called "the Valor gang" traded taunts with a gang of family members of jockeys --- "the Filthy Fillies"--- in an adjacent, lower-tier luxury box. 

"Someone from the Valor gang yelled, "plebeians, your hats are poor, just like your finances", recalled a witness to the incident.  At that point, a Filly gang member spotted some of the Valors, with their hats shaking as they snickered.  From there, a 2-hour physical melee ensued. 

"All that was left was feathers, flowers, bobby-pins, and the injured laying in piles of mint and puddles of bourbon," recalled a horrified onlooker.   

Kentucky Derby officials determined that the glorification of hats "was beyond a reasonable doubt, the primary contributor to the culture of gang violence that has infiltrated Churchill Downs." 

Starting with the 2012 Kentucky Derby race, there will be no hats permitted except for baseball caps and visors with the name of a horse on them.  Officials hope that this will help quell the uprising in gang violence at the race.   More significantly, the new hat policies will likely turn the Kentucky Derby into more of a horse race spectacle, as opposed to the aristocratic hat show it has been for 137 years. 

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50 Million Young Adults Nationwide Say "America, F!#k Yeah" At Least Once Today

"Fuck Yeah" Tweeted, Facebooked, Shouted, 4.8 Billion Times

SEA TO SHINING SEA - (@TheComedyNews) -  How exactly did Americans react to Osama bin Laden being killed by US Special Forces?   

"AMERICA,  FUCK YEAH."  That's how.   

Immediately following the killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, millions of Americans took to social networking sites to express their profound jubilation---approximately 4.8 billion times as of 9:00 AM Eastern Time. 

The bulk of the users of the "America, Fuck Yeah" phrase are young adults, aged 18-35.  

Young adults throughout the United States have rejoiced at least once today by shouting, tweeting, and facebooking the hottest new patriotic rallying cry.

The origin of the phrase, "America, Fuck Yeah" can be traced to the fall of 2004, when the film, Team America:  World Police was released.  The film, a satire on the War on Terror, was created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone---the masterminds behind the hit TV show, South Park.  A musical anthem played throughout the film featured a song was titled, "America, Fuck Yeah!"--- characterized by jingoist sentiments, and prideful pro-war lyrics. 

Internet traffic websites are confirming that the most repeated phrase of the day today has been "America, Fuck Yeah", with more than 4.8 billion instances of use. 

Ten Ways "America, Fuck Yeah" Has Appeared in Our Dialogue Today

--  "Today, my 4-year-old daughter was sent home from kindergarten for writing "America, Fuck Yeah" in her fingerpaint class to describe what she did over the weekend.  FML."  Vicki, 24, Mequon, Wisconsin.  (fMyLife)

--  "I guess this means I'm next.  Oh well, until then, AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!"  -James Hoffa, 98, East Rutherford, New Jersey  (Twitter)

--  "Fuck You, Osama bin Laden.  May 1st is Officially "Fuck Hitler and Fuck Bin Laden Day".  America, Fuck Yeah!"  -Sister Mary Clarence, 33, Las Vegas, Nevada  (Facebook)

--  "Let's see his old bones.  I want a picture of Osama dead!  No really, I do, it would look great on my wedding invitations.  America, FUCK YEAH!"   Sandra, 20, St. Louis, Missouri  (LinkedIn)

--  "If America can capture Bin Laden, I can perhaps find a nice Jewish boyfriend.  America, Fuck Yeah!  Oy givult."  -Sophia Zembrowski, 23, Brooklyn, New York (JDate)

--  "WINNING!  AMERICA!  WINNING!  FUCK!  WINNING!  YEAH!"  Charles Sheen, 45 Hollywood, California  (Twitter)

--  "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!  Roma-roma-mamaa!  Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!  America, Fuck Yeah!"  Lady Gaga, 25, New York, New York.  (Facebook)

--  "[310]  He had just taken off my pants when one of his room mates ran into his room and shouted, 'AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!  WE KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN!' and tried to give him a high five with me just laying there in a bra and no underwear."  (Texts From Last Night)

-- "[Shaking President Obama by the shoulders]  Holy shit!  No way!  George W. Bush is probably so salty and drunk right now.  AMERICA!  FUCK YEAH!"  Vice President Joe Biden, 68, Washington, D.C.  (Oval Office) 

TSA To Keep Up Fight Against Shampoo, Toothpaste

BREAKING NEWS:  In the wake of the CIA's killing of Al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, the United States Transportation Security Administration has vowed to keep up the fight against the threats posed by shampoo and toothpaste bottles of travelers.

"Now that Osama bin Laden has been killed, Colgate and PertPlus have each moved up a spot in the rankings of the largest threats to national security," an official said. 

No word yet on the future of racially-motivated, irrational, and borderline illegal enhanced physical pat-downs. 

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Jerry Seinfeld Celebrates 57th Birthday Alone; Friends Watching Royal Wedding

NEW YORK, NY - (The Comedy New) - Comedian Jerry Seinfeld celebrated his 57th birthday today all by himself due to all of his friends being too captivated by the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  

"What's the deal with turning 57?" Lamented Seinfeld, sporting a multi-colored cone-shaped birthday hat.  "If you're gonna ditch a birthday party to watch a wedding, you don't do it on someone's 57th birthday.  That's like their Heinz Ketchup birthday."

Seinfeld had arranged to have 47 of his closest friends attend a birthday party at Old Homestead Steakhouse in the Chelsea district of New York.  He ordered Kobe beef burgers for all of the guests who had indicated that they would attend---burgers which cost $41 each.

"Had I known that my Heinz Ketchup birthday was gonna be marred by a rather distracting royal wedding, I would have had my mom give birth to me on another day, like May 1st.  No one celebrates May Day anymore," Seinfeld continued, dejectedly dipping his tater tot into a splotch of ketchup on one of the 47 placemats at the long steakhouse table.  

Seinfeld recalled that the last time he had zero attendees at his birthday party was his 38th birthday party on April 29,1992.  On that day,  the Los Angeles riots ruined Seinfeld's plans to have all of his friends have ice cream cake and see "Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards perform at the Laugh Factory. 

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King Ralph Snubbed from Royal Wedding Guestlist

BRIXTON, UK – (The Comedy News) – King Ralph, the lazy portly American slob who had a brief stint as King of England in 1991, has announced that he was not invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton this weekend.  

“I’m not really that offended,” explained Ralph, now a bouncer at Morris’ Tavern in Brixton.   I never really liked weddings anyways.  Except for the food and spirits.”

When asked what the best food he ever had at a wedding, King Ralph replied, “I was invited to Victoria and David Beckham’s wedding.  The dessert cart had all-you-can eat spotted dick.”

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