SURVEY: Why Am I Leaving Work Early?

A survey company asked 1,000 random Americans why they have sneaked out of work early over the past year.  The most common answers are listed below:  

• Gotta get the best spot to stand at Fight Club.
• Drug dealer asked me to hurry.
• Mom's house, mom's rules.
• Trying to impress parole officer with punctuality.
• So no one I know sees me buying a ticket to see Scary Movie 5
• Recreational softball is not 'just a game'.
• Cats might get moody if I'm late for dinner again.
• Must return red Ferrari before friends' dead-beat Dad notices it's missing.
• Much easier to pad billable hours when no one is looking.
• Wal-Mart having a going-out-of-business sale.
• Attend Macaulay Culkin book-talk and autograph signing.
• To throw some singles at the stripper before visiting the wife and kids.
• To moonlight at our other subsistence wage job
• To try to beat traffic, only to discover that everyone on the road did the exact same thing.
• Got the extra hour off thanks to sequestration furloughs
• To avoid having our boss give us 4 hours of last minute work at 4:55

13 Thoughts That Will Make You Feel Old at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah in 2013

 

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News)  Going to a bar or bat Mitzvah this year?  The kid reading from the Torah was likely born in the year 2000 or 2001.  To put that into perspective, here are 13 thoughts you might have that will make you feel a bit old and grizzled: 

1)  "Those sexy dancers and shiny-vest DJs I fawned over at my friends' bar/bat mitzvahs?  They're approaching 40." 

2)  "The bar/bat mitzvah kid never practiced their Haftorah using a tape recorder---they haven't even heard of one."

3)  "'Gangnam Style', 'Dougie', 'Crank That Soulja Boy'?  In my day, we did 'The Macarana', 'The Electric Slide', and 'Achy Breaky Heart'.

4)  "If I were that kid's parent, I would never let them wear those skimpy sequined hotpants".

5)  "Titanic had already been released for 3 years by time the bar/bat Mitzvah kid was born."

6)   "It will be the year 2024 by time the bar/bat Mitzvah kid graduates college.  And it will cost $200,000 per year just for public school." 

7)  "None of the kids can remember the release of any of the Harry Potter books." 

8)  "YouTube video invitations?  I remember trying to pick out the coolest postage stamps for my invitations."

9)  "I don't have a single digital photo from my bar/bat mitzvah.  All of mine are printed in photo albums."

10)  "When the bar/bat Mitzvah kid was born, Bill Clinton was just leaving the White House and Ariel Sharon had just taken power in Israel."

11)  "I'm tired and sick of talking about my job.  I need to get home to feed my cats."

12)  "Are the people at my table talking about Bed Bath and Beyond?  I should tell them that I'll be there too on Sunday, shopping for lamps."

13)  "Oh wait I know this song!  Madonna!  Aw dammit, it was just a 30-second snippet in some crappy Skrillex dubstep remix.  I wish they would turn the volume down."

Jewish American Princess Demoted to Jewish American Noble

SYOSSET, NEW YORK - (@The Comedy News) - A high school senior at Syosset High School in New York was informed today that she may no longer be classified as a Jewish American Princess.  

"So basically I was called to the cool table at lunch for an emergency meeting," said Dara Pfeifferberg, an 18-year-old high school senior planning to attend Appalachian State University in the Fall.  "I went to go sit down at my usual seat and Shira was sitting there and was all like, 'no, don't even hon.'"  

At that moment Dara was handed a detailed report chastising her lack of Jewish American Princess tendencies lately. 

Dara was handed a formal demotion letter sent in the form of a text message by the Jewish American Princess posse at her high school.  The contents are published below:

Dear Dare-bear,

We have tried to be patient.  We have tried to guilt you into keeping up with us.  But now we have no choice, we have to expel you from our clique and you must give up your Jewish American Princess certification.  

Its (sic) not all that bad tho.  You can like, still be a Jewish American Noble.  You'll pull it off well, really. 

It's not that we're sad to see you go, because we're not, we're really just ashamed to call you our friend.  No offense!!

Here's why you are no longer a Jewish American Princess (in random order):

• Not giving out monogrammed sweatshirts at your Bat Mitzvah in 2008.

• Driving a pick-up truck.

• Failure to attend mandatory mirror and rumor time.

• Dating a non-Jewish boy who is short, smart, balding, and terrible at sports.  What's the point?  Just date Yoni, or Dovid, or Moishe.

•  Being overtly selfless and sincere in compliments.

• Failure to memorize Glamour Magazine's top five brands of heels for the summer months.

• And we also heard you referred to Rebekah Rosenblatt's outfit as a "bug-eyed sleeping bag in moon shoes wearing pillow case".   

In a related story, a Jewish American Prince, Matthew Strauss was demoted from Jewish American Prince to Jewish American Noble as well, after he was spotted with a Sigma Chi tattoo on his bicep, buying a used car at the listed price, using excessive mayonnaise, and storing his garbagecan not under the kitchen sink, but as part of the decor of his house in Idaho. 

21 People You Meet at a Jewish Singles Happy Hour

The Serial J-Daters:
Dressed in their bar/bat mitzvah best.  They haven't seen your profile before, so they approach you and refuse to walk away until they find something in common so they can turn it into a date.  For example: "Oh so you're drinking beer?  I like to drink beer, I know a great place where I can take you for a beer."

The Harem of Girls Who Stand at the Bar in a Circle and Refuse to Mingle:

You know the group of girls who all go out together to meet guys, yet just complain amongst their friends about how they never meet any guys?  Yeah, its because theyre at the bar talking to each other with their arms crossed and their attitude full throttle.   Save the drama for your momma, and mingle with something single.  

The Gaggle of Dudes Who Stand by the Bar and Refuse to Mingle:  

Sour grapes who are certain that there is no one of quality to hit on at the bar.  After about two hours of this, they end up at an Irish Bar with the dudes they showed up with. 

The Matchmaker:  

Matchmaker, matchmaker, we just met, but you're quite intent on setting me up with someone:  "Oh my god, I have a friend who would be perfect for you.  He/she is single, and Jewish, and their dad and my dad were room mates at Brandeis!  Small world!  Just Facebook him/her, oh, and just be yourself."

The Shark:

Doesn't talk to anyone, just walks in circles and stalks his would-be prey like a balding Jaws in Gap khakis.  Harmless.   

The "You Should Come Over To Shabbos" Guy:  

World record holder for pushiness.  Just to throw him off, ask him if Shabbos is this Wednesday or next Tuesday. 

The State School Booster:

Go team go!  Newsflash pal, being a devoted college football fan is not a major.  And how do you know so many people here tonight?

The Private School Elitist:

It takes four questions to find out where this un-humble snot went to college.  

"What was your major?"

"I studied economics."

"Oh where?

"Boston." 

"What part?"

"Cambridge."

"Oh really?  Which school?"

"Harvard.

"Never heard of it."

The AEPi Recent Alumnus:  

Drinks?  Drinks?  Anyone want a drink?  He is actually more interested in getting drunk than hitting on you tonight, so you've been warned.  For an interesting conversation, ask him about the brand of dogfood he had to eat during hell week.   At least he won't give you a dead-fish handshake. 

The AEPhi/SDT/Alphabet Soup Sorority Alumnus:  

"Well on MY campus, your sorority is blah blah blah blah fat chicks and coke!"

Join my Kickball/Softball/Bocce Ball Guy:

"I think they're hitting on me...wait no, they actually are serious about getting me to join their recreational sports team."

The Jewish Geographer: 

All of the matches end in one of three ways:   I hate them, I haven't seen them in 10 years, or endless drivel about some innocuous Bar Mitzvah/summer camp/shiva story.

The Consultant:

They work for Accenture/Booz Allen/Deloitte.  They can't explain in less than five paragraphs what it is they do by day.  They swear they never go on Facebook because it's blocked at work, yet post endless pictures from every vacation they won't shut up about.  And you have got to be kidding.  You're 22 and you are a consultant?  You are only qualified to audit my deliverables in the beer pong department. 

The Hill Rat:

Works for a Senator.  Works for a Representative.   You know this because they mentioned it to you before formally introducing themselves.   To find out whether they're a Democrat or a Republican, just say "Obama" and see if they scowl or start skipping.  

The Intern:  

Don't worry, if they're in the bar, they're not under 21.  But they certainly don't act like it.  They are likely not being compensated at work, so buy 'em a drink.  Consider letting them crash on your futon.

The First-Year-Out-Of-Law School Lawyer:
Ah yes, what would be a Jewish singles event without a nice Jewish lawyer? Acts as if the two greatest pick-up lines in the world are, "I have so little time these days" and "I hate my job." 

The Offensive New Yorker:

They act as if there is something seriously wrong with you if you are a Jew that did not grow up in Manhattan.  Likely complaining that there is no decent place in Washington, DC to get a perfect bagel and pastrami sandwich. 

The West Coast Jew:

If you run out of things to say to them, just mention In-N-Out.  That'll get them swooning.

Jersey Jew:

Not nearly as awful as MTV would like you to think. 

The Just Back from Birthrighters:  

Inside jokes galore.  Be on the look-out for grievances about hiking Masada, Discotheque, Bombas, Schwarma, and trysts with furloughed IDF soldiers.  

Your Bashert:  

Somewhere in the list above.

Fiddler in the Vatican: Cardinals Select First Jewish Pope

VATICAN CITY - (@The Comedy News) - One-hundred-and-fifteen Cardinals have gathered in the Vatican City and selected the first Jewish Pope in the  two-thousand year history of Catholicism.

Woody Allen, a Jewish filmmaker from New York City, has been appointed the replacement for His Holiness Emeritus, Benedict XVI.

Although this is an unprecedented move by the Vatican, the first Pope, St. Peter, had a fairly positive relationship with the Jewish people during his reign, according to primary sources.

The world's first Jewish Pope has selected his "Pope name", which will be Pope Portnoy IX.  

Pope Portnoy IX could not be reached for comment, because he was deeply engaged in a conversation with his Mother: 

"For the last time, Ma, I'm not going to be a doctor," Pope Portnoy IX screamed into his white iPhone 4S.  "No, Ma.  I'm sure she is a nice girl, but there's no point in you introducing me.  Well, this new gig I got has some rules, goddammit."

Pope Portnoy IX's assistants have released a list of changes that he will embark upon for the remainder of his lifetime appointment as the first Jewish Pope:

--Midnight Christmas Mass will be relocated from the Vatican to Katz's Deli.  This will be followed by an early morning Christmas Day Chinese buffet lunch with the local Cardinals, and a Papal Mission to the nearest Regal Cinema.  

--Christmas will now focus less on Jesus' birth, but rather, more on his Bar Mitzvah, twenty years before his death at age 33. 

--Pope Portnoy IX will donate his elaborate white outfit to charity, and instead wear a 20-year-old suit that spouts a plume of dust whenever a colleague pats him on the shoulder.

--The trademark over-sized hat will be retired and replaced with a red over-sized Kippah full time.

 --In an Easter/Passover hybrid, the Afikomen will involve having bunnies find a hidden slice of Matzah. 

--The Communion cracker will come with lox and shmear. 

--All sex scandals will now involve Shiksas (18 and older) with tattoos. 

--The Pope Mobile upgraded to something safer, like a Volvo.

Song-Clapping at Shabbat Services All Over the Damn Place

BRENTWOOD, CA - (TWITTER: @The Comedy News) - The congregants at Temple Beth Raash (בית רעש) in Brentwood, California have been running into some musical mishaps for the past few Friday nights:  the congregants can't seem to clap at the right moments.

"We have tried in vain to get our audience to clap together and on time," lamented Rabbi Steven Zembrowsky.  "I have had three different Cantors quit on us in the past year.  One even stormed out shouting about how she should have never converted from southern Baptism."

During song sessions, congregants singing along with the Rabbi and Cantor can hardly seem to clap at any of the right moments, rather, are just making lots of white noise that drowns out the amplified service-leaders.  

Typically, the Rabbi will lead the service along with a Cantor strumming a guitar.  These days, however, the Beth Raash song-leaders can barely recruit a Cantor who can mash a tambourine without becoming frustrated with a beat-illiterate audience.  

Temple Beth Raash has brought in consulting firm Booz and Company to study how the songleaders can get congregants to clap at the right moments.

After a three hour study, analysts concluded that the biggest musical gaffes tend to occur towards the end of services, particularly during the chanting of "Oseh Shalom".

"Honestly, they've got a long way to go," notes a senior Booz consultant specializing in Religious Song Cohesion.  "And according to an Apollo Theater-style survey, the only people that really care about this are the Rabbi, the Cantor, and five or six posturing musical has-beens in the audience.  Everyone else is quite jolly clapping off-beat and wrong."

Still, Rabbi Zembrowsky is quite miffed by his congregation's musical malignity.

"These days," scowled the Rabbi, "I can barely do the eye-cover thing during the Shemah.  I just stand with my hands on my hips, head down----embarrassed."

EDITOR'S NOTE:

At the most recent Shabbat Service, Rabbi Zembrowsky stormed-out midway through the service yelling, "Yasher koach, you tone-deaf little shits!"

US Postal Service to Become Shomer Shabbos

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) -  John Goodman's Jewish character in the cult classic film, "The Big Lebowski" refused to go bowling with his pals on Friday nights and Saturdays because he was "shomer [flipping] shabbos".  

Well move over, John Goodman, because the United States Postal Service (USPS) has gone Shomer Shabbos as well. 

As of this week, the USPS has decided that it will no longer deliver mail on Saturdays due to its observance of Shabbat from sundown on Friday through sundown on Saturday. 

"This brings us mailmen and mailwomen so much nachas," announced the Postmaster General.  "Our mail-carriers will finally be able to attend their first Bar and Bat Mitzvahs---after years of suffering the indignity of delivering thousands of obnoxiously large gaudy invitations to these simchas each week---- yet never being able to attend one themselves."

The USPS is clearly excited about this opportunity to observe the sabbath day and sanctify it.  As a side bonus, the USPS hopes that the extra day of rest and unpaid wages will help the United States Government balance their stupid [flipping] budget. 

Organic Gluten-Free Fat-Free Lactose-Free Vegan Noodle Kugel Disgusts 90% of All Shabbat Dinner Attendees

World's Healthiest Noodle Kugel Recipe Bombs at Shabbat Dinner Debut

World's healthiest noodle kugel

BERKELEY, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Julia Yalda spent all of Friday afternoon with her boyfriend Claude preparing to host some friends for a Shabbat dinner.

The cuisine was typical:  challah bread, Manischewitz wine, felafel, and Israeli cucumber salad. The guests---fellow classmates from the University of California-Berkeley---were ready for a Friday night feast. 

And the main dish Julia was most excited about serving was a recipe she concocted on her own:  an organic, gluten-free, fat-free, lactose-free, vegan noodle kugel.

Culinary professors say that the best noodle kugels should be approximately 2,000 calories per serving.  Julia's healthy kugel is about 200 calories per serving.

"Shabattie hotties and shalomie homies! I give you the healthiest noodle kugel the world has ever tasted!"  Julia announced as she plopped square hunks of a wet yellow noodle kugel on her guests' plates.

Unfortunately, none of Julia's nine guests enjoyed the healthy kugel---including her boyfriend. 

At first, the guests were put off by the pungent smell of the kugel as Julia walked from the kitchen-end of her studio apartment to the makeshift dinner table. 

Lauren Sweiren, a friend of Julia's since freshman year, sent a mass text to three other attendees:  "WTF did Jules slaughter a cow in here???!"

After each guest was served a festering pile of Julia's healthy noodle kugel, she sat intently staring with her eyes open, teeth showing, hands clasped on her boyfriend Claude's shoulder.

"Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph!"  Shouted Julia's friend Yoni Rosenblatt as he took his first bite.

Julia cut off Yoni and asked, "I know, right?  Deelish!  And so healthy too!"

Over the next 45 minutes, the nine guests sent a series of under-the-table text messages damning everything about Julia's noodle kugel:

"I thought there's supposed to be raisins in this, not edamame. Ick"

"I'd rather be obease than suffer the indignity of eating this JennyCraigKugelCrap."

"Vom."

":( :( :( "
"I'm breaking up with her, not kidding."
":)))))  JK.  Shld hav eatn taco bell."

One guest, Shana Bloomquist suggested out loud that they all take a bite.  A series of ankle kicks were sent her way from around the table.

Approximately 52 minutes after the first bite of kugel was eaten, all of the guests stood up in unison and left Julia's apartment. 

Not getting a clue at all, Julia wished all of her guests the best and a good shabbos.

Each of the nine guests, including her now ex-boyfriend Claude, went to a local tavern and did tequila shots until they got the taste of the world's healthiest noodle kugel out of their bodies and memories. 

World's Healthiest Noodle Kugel Recipe

• 4 Vegan soy "egg" whites
• 16 ounces of fat-free sour cream
• 16 ounces of fat-free cottage cheese
• 20 ounces of cooked vegan noodles made by the hippie commune in the alley behind the house---must NOT have FDA approval.
• 1 cup of Edamame
• 1 teaspoon of Rosemary
• 1 teaspoon of Curry powder

1)  Grease 13x 9-inch pan with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter---Vegan Gluten-Free edition"
2)  Boil vegan noodles.
3)  Combine all contents in pan.
4)  Bake for one hour at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
5)  Serve with plenty of napkins for spitting, and hair-ties for long-haired friends who are likely to regurgitate shortly after consuming.

Were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Jewish?

Sociologists and Rabbis around the world are beginning to question whether the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were Jewish.  The jury is still out, but draw your own conclusions from the evidence below:

Evidence that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were Jewish

• They lived in New York.
• They all wore headwear.
• They all had weapons, yet none owned a gun.
• They took wisdom from an elder who told long drawn-out stories and was covered in facial hair.
• They ordered pizza but never seemed to order pepperoni.
• They did pro-bono work for the good of their neighbors.
• They had the hots for a redheaded shicksa from the local news.
• With names like Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Leonardo---they were all named after a person from antiquity who lived on the shores of the Mediterranean.
• They're already showing signs of balding.
• One of them was vilified throughout the film for making bad jokes.
• The purple one was into science, the blue one was a born leader, the orange one was a goofy jokester that laughed at his own jokes, and the red one was a nebbish complainer. 

Evidence that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were NOT Jewish

• They never talked about their Mom.
• They always were getting into physical fights---and encouraged to do so by their caretaker.
• They didn't live in the Upper West Side, rather a low-rent shithole in the sewer.
• They still ate pizza on passover.
• Have you ever met a Jew that says "cowabunga"?
• They were in their teens and never mentioned their Bar Mitzvahs.
• They're boys and they can dance.
• None of their names are Dovid, Moshe, Yoni, or Judah.
• They did most of their work after sundown.
• None of em ever got laid.
• They never used profanity.
• There is indisputable video evidence of them doing Buddhist meditation.
• No evidence of excessive chest hair.
• They never ventured into the Bergen County New Jersey suburbs, Long Island, or Brooklyn.
• They never mentioned summer camp in the Poconos.
• They're turtles.

13-year-old 21st Century Celebrates Bar Mitzvah Last Weekend

CHARLOTTE, NC - (@The Comedy News) - Shortly after turning 13-years-old on January 1st, the 21st Century was called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah on Saturday.

Sporting a blue Yamaka, his father's Talit, and the most adorable case of teenage acne, 21st Century led a beautiful service and gave a heartfelt Bar Mitzvah torah portion sermon.

"This was a huge thrill for me", said the 21st Century after the ceremony.  "I always dreaded turning 13, ya know, because I have stage fright.  And learning Hebrew was no cake walk either, especially having to go to Hebrew school two days a week with all of my rambunctious pals."

The theme for the 21st Century's Bar Mitzvah was "Time Flies".  The tables for the luncheon were themed with time travel-based films and books.  21st Century sat at the "Back to the Future" table, while his parents and grandparents sat at the HG Wells "The Time Machine" table.

A rumor went around that the Bar Mitzvah boy's 'obligated invites  table' (commonly known as the "reject table") was the "Groundhog Day" table.  This came as a surprise since 21st Century's sister and her atheist fiance sat at the "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure" table.  Apparently, the atheist fiance complained about the perils of organized religion the entire time, alienating everyone within shouting distance. 

21st Century's obnoxious Aunt and Uncle were seen complaining about how the food was not served fast enough, and then spent the remainder of the luncheon estimating how much money the entire Bar Mitzvah likely cost 21st Century's family.   Estimates were as low as $24.53 and as high as $34,000.

At the dance party later that evening, 21st Century and all of his friends rocked out to some of the following songs:

"1999" --- Prince

"Time After Time" --- Cyndi Lauper

"Back in Time" --- Huey Lewis and the News

*****"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" --- Aerosmith

"Back in Time" --- Pitbull

"Dick in a Box" --- Justin Timberlake

"Gangnam Style" ---  Psy

"Some Nights" --- fun.

*****Nobody slow danced except for 21st Century's older sister and her atheist fiance. 

Beyonce Admits that Lip-Synched National Anthem Originally Sung By Milli Vanilli

Fabrice Morvan of Mili Vanilli's voice was used at inauguration.

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) Popstar Beyonce Knowles has revealed that her lip-synched performance at the second inauguration of Barack Obama was recorded by fellow lip-synching duo Mili Vanilli in 1983.

Ironically, Mili Vanilli, featuring Fabrice Morvan and the late Rob Pilatus, became the first performers to be stripped of a Grammy award when it was discovered that they lip-synched their hit song, "Girl You Know It's True" in 1990.  

When reached for comment, Beyonce reportedly said, "I'll tell you what you should be ticked about, I was the headliner this afternoon, and my opening act, Barack Obama took FOREVER.  Democracy this, and civil blah blah blah Bin Laden.  I got ONE song in front of an audience of 900,000 fans.  That's the real outrage today."

In response to Mili Vanilli revealing that they were the voice behind Beyonce's sham performance of "The Star Spangled Banner", Beyonce's husband Jay-Z kidnapped Fabrice Morvan and forced him to  to wear a Mitt Romney 2012 shirt while watching Beyonce's abysmal performance in the film Austin Powers' Goldmember.

Chief Justice John Roberts Procrastinating Inauguration Homework

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Chief Justice John Roberts has been too lazy to practice the Oath of Office for Barack Obama’s second inauguration.  

 

After ignoring Barack’s phone calls for days, Barack walked over to Robert’s apartment and found Roberts maximizing his relaxation time by watching "Judge Judy" while sitting on his futon in sweatpants and dirty wife-beater--showing a week’s beard growth.  Surrounding his used KFC wrappers, empty cans of Pringles and half full bottles of Old Crow Bourbon.  Before he could harangue the Chief Justice, Barack Obama vomited his lunch in the hallway and stormed out of the apartment.

“There is no fucking way I am going back in there,” said the President.  “It smells like Jeffrey Dahmer once roomed there.  I’ll send Joe there to get Johnny Oath flubber off his ass and back to the books.”

When consulted by reporters about his procrastination, John acknowledged, “I’m too busy learning how to be a real arbiter of the law, plus I’d like to know what’s under that robe of hers.  Anyways, you know the market will take care of it,” while pointing to a sticky copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.  “I will be ready to give the Oath of Office to Romney when I’m done watching Judge Judy.”

In response to this, CNN Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer, accused John Roberts of, “GOP snobbery,” and, “utter disregard and disrespect to the United States government.” Wolf has continued, “he’s only done this to prevent Barack from legally assuming office.  His refusal to do so only discredits the Democrats by having that pauper Biden be the President.”

Neckless asshole Rush Limbaugh, issued a tweet accusing Blitzer of “Slandering the GOP and lesson the faith of good Christian Americans with Socialist policies.”  The next set of drivel he tweeted was summarily ignored.

None of the Associate Justices could be reached for comments, however it has been reported that narcissist and zealot Antonin Scalia left a note remarking, “The unconstitutionality of Barack Obama of forcing a Supreme Court Justice to practice the Oath of Office citing the 3^rd Amendment, the 10^th Amendment, and the Bible."

Clique That Went to Jewish Summer Camp Together Still Won't Shut Up About Jewish Summer Camp

DENVER, CO - (@The Comedy News) - Sarah, Moishe, Rachel, Jeremy, Eric, Stacy, David, and Sara: if you are so privileged to eclipse their exclusive circle of kinship, you will learn obnoxiously quick that these eight 27-year-olds have been friends since Jewish summer camp. 

Sarah, Moishe, Rachel, Jeremy, Eric, Stacy, David, and Sara---currently in their eighteenth year of inside jokes and incest---living together in squalor on the outskirts of a nauseatingly youthful Colorado ski-town. 

The clique that calls themselves the "Excellent Eight" have known each other since what they have referred to as the summer of love, 1995.  Then, they went to a Jewish summer camp called Camp Khazir deep within the Ozarks of southern Missouri.  They still go back to Camp Khazir every year to re-live the glory days of when they were all ten. 

"Khazir!  Khazir!  My favorite time of year!  Khazir! Khazir!  Excellent Eight we cheer!"  A few of the summer camp friends broke into song during the interview, unprovoked---making reporters visibly uncomfortable.

Outsiders that have had the misfortune of knowing this stubbornly secluded self-righteous posse note that the Excellent Eight are always together.

"They took all of the same classes together at Colorado-Boulder.  Not sure if they even graduated, but they were definitely in the same classes, cheating off each other," describes a college classmate.

A former director of Camp Khazir notes that the Excellent Eight have made a name for themselves throughout the entire Jewish community.

"I once told someone while vacationing in Ethiopia that I did a summer at Camp Khazir back in 1997," says the former camp director.  Without fail, the guy I was speaking to immediately asked, "Oh, so you know those Excellent Eight brats?" 

Another camper describes their temperament. 

"Just by looking at them, you can tell that they've all hooked up with each other, or at the very least, seen everyone in their intolerably smug clique naked," describes a former co-Camper, who stopped attending camp in 1999.  "We confirmed that they just pass each other around.  When Eric or David or Jeremy or Moses or whoever one of those caricatures of each other pulled out an acoustic guitar on the lagoon pier and sang a song full of inside jokes about getting to third base, that's when we knew for sure.  And who even talks about their bases anymore?  New rule:  if you're old enough to drive a car, you may not refer to hooking up progress in terms of baseball hits."

The song is supposedly on YouTube and will be featured on Tosh.O this spring. 

A private investigator hired to study the Excellent Eight has concluded that none of the eight charter members have made any new friends outside of each other since the Clinton Administration.  And although no one is quite sure which member of the group is Sarah with an "H" and Sara without and "H", they both can be identified by their frequent wearing of a puffy-painted tank-top shirt that reads "Sanctuary Sex".  It is believed that the shirts are a reference to a sexual escapade that took place while neglecting their duties as senior counselors--jobs they resume every June.

Sarah, Moishe, Rachel, Jeremy, Eric, Stacy, David, and Sara.  Because there is plenty of endless drivel about Jewish summer camp to share, after all these years.

VP Joe Biden Procrastinates Gun Control Report to the Last Minute

Vice President Biden Emails Obama That His Printer is Jammed and Hard-drive Crashed; Will Need Later Due Date for Gun Control Report

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Vice President Joe Biden has reportedly left his controvertial gun control report to the last minute.  His procrastinating led to asking President Obama for an extension.  With that, Biden told the President several fibs in order to get a later due date.

Here is a leaked copy of the Vice President's email to President Obama

TO:  BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

FROM:  JOJO THE BIDEN BRO

SENT:  8, January, 2013;  7:13 PM

SUBJECT:  Guns N' Shit

Sup B,

Good news and bad news.  First the good news, you da man!  Hahaha just kiddin.  The bad news is my printer jammed as I was printing my final draft of the gun policy task force report.  So I decided to ride my skateboard over to the nearest Kinkos, but I dropped my laptop on the toilet before I could leave the house, so my hard drive is now fried!  The good news is I can have the report done soon.  But I'll need a later deadline.  Hope that's okay.

Yes we can!  (remember that?! Lol.)

-José Biden

According to sources, Biden has been notorious for leaving legislation to the last minute, leading to these erratic 'print-and-sprint' behaviors.  The last time Biden produced a last minute report to the President, he was seen sprinting down Connecticut Avenue in a Delaware Blue Hens sweatshirt and a borrowed pair of red Chicago Bulls basketball shorts he apparently has yet to return to the President.

HE'S BACK!: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Jews"

Fifth Installation of Indiana Jones Series Expected to be Not Nearly as Bad as the Fourth

Synopsis:  

The fifth installment of Indiana Jones opens with a Passover seder at a South Florida retirement community in 1960.  Dr. Jones has been a resident here since becoming an archaeology professor emeritus at Princeton three years prior.

The retirement community staff organize an affikomen for the residents, which results in an action-packed cafeteria fight.  Indy reigns triumphant after neutralizing fellow curmudgeons, and locating the hidden matzah under a chess table.  Still, the offending residents are sent to the Temple of Jews, located in Key West, to undergo spiritual healing.

Rogue real-estate developer Donald Sorrentino receives intelligence that the Temple of Jews sits on top of the coveted Fountain of Youth, once sought by Spanish explorer Juan Ponce De León.  Meanwhile, all of the congregants at the Temple of Jews seem young in mind, body, and spirit, further confirming Sorrentino's suspicions. 

And as Indy and his fellow retirees start to embrace the spiritual healing process, he discovers the Sorrentino's plan to buy-off city planners, plant Burmese pythons on the grounds, and demolish the Temple of Jews to turn the purported Fountain of Youth into a theme park.

Indiana Jones dusts off his fedora and tears out what little hair he has left as he and his fellow congregants go to biblical lengths to stop Sorrentino from razing the Temple of Jews. 

Teaching Grandma To Text Not Going Very Well

BOCA RATON, FL - (@The Comedy News) - Dustin Rasumsson thought a great way to spend Christmas Day would be to teach his 88-year-old Grandma Cloris how to send a text message on her new iPhone.  

However, despite his pending Ph.D in social work from Cornell, Dustin's efforts to teach Grandma Cloris were futile.  

"I've always known Grandma to be a strong, smart idol of mine," said Dustin.  "But watching her hit the 'call end' button over and over, and then turning off the phone when she wasn't using it, made me flip my shit."

Dustin's patience wore thin as he hovered behind his Grandma---who was perched in her favorite rocking chair.  After asking where the erase button was [referring to 'delete'] Dustin snatched the phone away from Grandma Cloris and called her an "old windpasser".  

Grandma Cloris, a retired nurse who has been alive since the Calvin Coolidge administration, was in good spirits the entire time.

Despite her complete and total failure at attempting to send a text message, Grandma Cloris did manage ---all on her own--- to learn how to shoot and upload sepia-faded photographs to Instagram.

Jewish Geography Offered as a Major at 23 Universities

Field of Study Focuses on Jewish Peoples' Ability to Find Mutual Connections

MADISON, WISCONSIN - (@The Comedy News) - Its description starts almost like a joke:  "Two Jews meet in the street.  One says to the other, 'hey do you know'..." 

The social inquisition colloquially known as Jewish Geography is now being offered as a major field of study at twenty-three colleges and universities across the nation.

Some of the universities and colleges offering Jewish Geography as a major include Columbia, Duke, Delaware, University of Wisconsin, University of Michigan, University of Florida, Maryland, George Washington University, Brandeis, and Vanderbilt. 

The Jewish Geography department at the University of Wisconsin in Madison offered to publish its syllabus for their survey class during the upcoming spring semester:   Jewish Geography 118: Introduction to Jewish Geography

Lecture 1:  Jews:  Who the hell are you?

Lecture 2:  New York, Miami, and Wyoming??  Big City vs. Small City Jewish Geography

Lecture 3:  The Art of Asking Leading Questions

Lecture 4:  Conventional Reactions to Positive Jewish Connections

Lecture 5:  The Steins and the Bergs:  Goldsteins and Bernsteins; Goldbergs and Pittsburghs

Lecture 6:  Tactics in Abruptly Ending a Jewish Geography Session Gone Awry

Lecture 7:  Summer Camp Politics

Lecture 8:  Jew-dar:  Seeking Potential Jewish Geographers Without Saying a Word

Lecture 9:  Guilt Trips: Backhanded and Intentional

Lecture 10:  Parent-Orchestrated Blind Dates and Other Disasters in Jewish Geography

Other classes in Jewish Geography:

Jewish Geography 269:  Forming Early Geography Skills in JCC Nursery School

Jewish Geography 313:  The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Wars 

Jewish Geography 613:  Overbearing Jewish Mother Seminar

Jewish Geography 714:  Jewish Dads and The Sociology of Tolerating Miserable Jokes

Jewish Geography 750:  Palm Beach, Palm Springs, and Scottsdale:  Jewish Geography While Eligible for Social Security

Jewish Geography 799:  Gathering the Jews:  How to Run a Jewish Community Website

"Wrong again, dumbasses", predicted the Aztecs

Mayan Apocalypse Hoax Accurately Foreseen by Aztec Peoples

TENOCHTITLAN, MEX. - (@The Comedy News) - The Aztecs accurately forsaw that on December 21, 2012, the world would go on as per usual, contrary to crackpot predictions by the Mayan peoples.



Story developing, check back later for details.  

09:28 AM- Incas reportedly didn't give a shit for any of this prediction shit.  

Jewish Holiday Parties That Were Discontinued

Image courtesy of KosherHam.com

 

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) -We have all been invited to our fair share of holiday parties---with our coworkers, with our friends, with our neighbor who hoards cats and trash in the front yard.  

And for the 165,000 Jews in the Washington, DC metro area, there is no shortage of Jewish-themed winter gatherings. 

Various Jewish organizations have facilitated dozens of successful parties for the DC Jewish community, some even running annually for over twenty years.  Just like good Jewish humor, the names of the parties have been alliterated and cheesy.  

However, there are some Jewish winter holiday events that were discontinued over the years:

Challah Back Y'all Karaoke Kabbalah (2005-2006)

A short-lived karaoke tournament inspired by the Gwen Stefani song, Hollaback Girl.  A schmorgesborg of challah bread kept the bashful non-singers enthused.  Discontinued after too many drunken off-key renditions of Sweet Caroline, Don't Stop Believing, and Od Yavo Shalom Aleinu. 

Bagel Bash  (2000-2008)

A $5 fee got revelers admission to a wild and crazy dance party at McFaddens in Foggy Bottom, as well as all-you-can-eat bagels and schmear.  Discontinued after Michelle Obama smote excess carbohydrate ingestion.

Pork Protest (1993-1994)

A dance party primarily attended by reform Jews who advocated for a change in kashrut laws forbidding pork products.   Popular with American Jews from Midwestern states.  Discontinued after no one would admit to each other that they loved the taste of pork. 

Shrimp Strike (1993-1994)

Same as pork protest.  Just more popular amongst New England seafood snobs. 

Brisket Bris-off (1946-1964) During the post World War II baby boom, DC Jews used to gather at RFK stadium on Christmas eve for an outdoor mass-celebration of brit milah, or "bris".  Local chefs provided complimentary brisket samplings to the new parents.  Discontinued for too many reasons to list.  Mistletoe Mitzvah (1989-1999) Billed as "The Easiest Jewish Singles Event to Get To First Base!"  Basically, it was an awkward happy hour with mistletoe hanging from the tavern's ceiling.  Interest faltered after everyone in the Jewish community had made out with each other.  Jew-Jitzu Jam (1984) Popularized by the film, Karate Kid, the Jew-Jitzu jam was a martial arts-themed dance party that encouraged Jewish revelers to dress up in either Cobra Kai attire, or Miyagi-do Karate attire.  Discontinued after too many fights broke out on the dance floor.