USA To Try Purple Finger Thing for Next Elections

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - (@TheComedyNews) - In an effort to stifle double-voting, the Federal Election Commission will be requiring all voters to dip their index fingers in purple indelible ink for the 2012 election.

"It is time the United States takes a stand against double voters," announced an FEC official.  "The purple finger thing has worked in Iraqi elections, and rather be a bunch of hypocrites, the United States should do the purple finger thing too."

Political scientists have lauded the purple finger thing for its ability to keep voters from voting more than once.  They have also said the purple finger thing is a great way of hazing apathetic Americans into voting---since their lack of a purple-dipped index finger will indicate that they didn't vote and thus hate freedom.

Disability advocates have been irked by the announcement of the purple finger thing for elections in the United States, claiming that it discriminates against people who may be missing fingers.

Pres. Bush showing the purple finger

One compassionate Republican lawmaker has devised a solution for disabled voters.   "Now, see, I am a Doctor, mmkay?"  The snarly Oklahoma Republican Senator said.   "The purple ink thing will work for all Americans, including the disabled.  In the event that a disabled voter lacks digits on their hands to mark that they voted, they will be require to dip their noses in the ink."

College students are already plotting to prank each other in the wake of the purple finger thing coming to the United States.  In politically-divided frat houses, many frat boys are planning to paint purple the fingers of passed-out drunk partiers in hopes of coning them out of their ability to cast a vote. 

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Herman Cain: "Pizza is Defined As a Sacred Bond Between Sauce and Cheese"

OMAHA, NE - (@TheComedyNews) - Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain announced today that if he is elected President in 2012, he will push through Congress a law that defines pizza as a sacred bond between sauce and cheese. 

Cain is currently a contender for the Republican nomination for President in 2012.  He has earned a living as chief executive officer of the Godfather's Pizza chain. 

"The long-standing debate over whether a "pizza" lacking both cheese and tomato sauce should be recognized as a pizza will be settled in this country," announced Cain at a press pizza party in Omaha.  "If elected President, expect me to enact the Defense of Pizza Act within 100 days."

The Defense of Pizza Act or "DOPA" will prevent the federal government from recognizing the validity of a pizza with anything more than traditional ingredients and toppings. 

Some Americans in the heartland are championing the proposed Defense of Pizza Act. 

"Those darn pizzas that don't have any sauce or cheese, they ain't no pizza.  In fact, they're gay pizza," asserted Roger Barbero, owner of Roger's Pizza in Sandusky, Ohio.  "I hate it when these new age nasty heathen, no-family-values people ask me to make one of those gay pizzas, with their vegetables, and pineapples, shitake mushrooms, and macaroni.  Just makes me sick that anyone would even consider this to be a real pizza." 

Cain's proposed Defense of Pizza Act would amend the U.S. Code to make explicit what, according to conservatives, has been understood under federal law for over 200 years--- that pizza is the legal union of a cheese and tomato sauce with traditional toppings such as sausage and pepperoni.  DOPA explicitly says that any other toppings or pizza design would be considered under the DOPA law to be "opposite-lifestyle toppings" which inhibit the moral fabric of traditional dining in America.  

"All I am saying is give pizza a chance!"  Defended Cain.  " If we don't pass DOPA, I can just imagine there’s no pizza in its most traditional form in the uncertain future of this beautiful country."

Some Republican insiders are hinting at an attempt to amend the Constitution to clarify what a traditional Pizza is.  

Critics of the potentially unconstitutional proposal, such as the Pizza Rights Campaign, have found Cain's proposal to be offensive, unprecedented and discriminatory to diners of non-traditional pizza toppings---Pineapple, Red Onion, and Macaroni--- commonly known as "PROM" toppings.  Cain's law will also put an end to pizza bagels, deep dish Chicago-style pizza, and matzah pizza. 

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University of Wisconsin's Suggestions for Alternative Non-Vulgar Crowd Chants

MADISON, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following the University of Wisconsin-Madison athletic department's condemnation of a variety of racy, vulgar chants at sporting events, a committee of politically-correct derelicts has suggested the following replacement chants to make Wisconsin crowds appear friendlier: 

"Eat Shit!  Fuck You!"  will be replaced with "Eat Chips!  Fondue!"

"You fucked up!" will be replaced with "Very nice try".

"Shoot 'em like a horse!" will be replaced with  "We hope he's alright".  

"O Sucks" will be replaced with "O is not our friend." 

"I'm an asshole I'm an asshole I'm an asshole, yes I know.  But I'd rather be an asshole than sit in section O" has been replaced with, "I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, I'm a spectator, yes I am.  But I'd rather be a spectator than an angry little clam." 

"Bullshit" will be replaced with "I do not agree."

"Pull your sieve" will be replaced with "Your Hockey team sucks."

"The ref beats his wife" will be replaced with "The Ref's personal life is irrelevant to this game."



The raucous songs played over the loudspeakers will also be replaced with more conservative tunes

"Jump Around" will be replaced with "Achy Breaky Heart".
[Jumping will also be replaced with line-dancing]

"Varsity" will be replaced with "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free"
[Swaying and promiscuously embracing of arms and shoulders will be STRICTLY forbidden from now on.] 

"Build Me Up Buttercup" will be replaced with "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"

"Tequila" will be replaced by the singing of the little-known second verse of the "Star Spangled Banner"

"You've said it all" will be replaced with, An instrumental of Beethoven's "Für Elise". 

"On Wisconsin" will be replaced with "Hail to the Victors"

"If you wanna be a Badger..." will be replaced with "You can be a Badger, as long as you can pay unsubsidized tuition."

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COLUMBUS DAY: Columbus' PR Firm Still Staying on Message After 519 Years

FLOW CHART OF HOW TO STAY ON A POSITIVE MESSAGE FOR COLUMBUS (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

PALOS DE LA FRONTERA, SPAIN - (@The Comedy News) -  Columbus Day is being celebrated  all over the western hemisphere today.  But a little-known story about the famed explorer, Christopher Columbus, is that he had the world's first public relations firm.

New World Pillaging and Strategies LLC.,  founded in the fall of 1492 to manage all of the communications and public relations outreach for Columbus, continues to advise the explorer's top advocates on keeping the purported legacy alive.

"Our public relations firm is the oldest in the history of the world, and employs some of the best public relations experts the world has ever known," stated Karl Koch, a public relations executive who's family has handled the Columbus account for almost 45 generations. 

New World Pillaging and Strategies has relied on a flow chart for how to stay on a positive message when it comes to Christopher Columbus's accomplishments [CLICK IMAGE ABOVE].  The contents of the flow chart have been widely distributed, and are consistently used by Columbus' biggest advocates, many of whom lack the ability to think critically and have the propensity to just roll over when told to.

According to the flow chart, many of the morbid, grizzly tales involving Columbus' expeditions---tales that New World Pillaging and Strategies have called "heretic lies and freedom-hating hell-dwelling", are refuted by the same core concepts:  Columbus was the world's first explorer, if it weren't for Columbus, America wouldn't be covered in freedom, and the most famous of them all, in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. 

New World Pillaging and Strategies has been the leading public relations firm for a number of prominent farcical figures and events throughout history.  Some of those include the denial of the Holocaust in the 1940s,  The Tuskegee Experiments, and a partnership with the International Society for Waterboarding & Torture in Hopes of Getting War Secrets. 

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Milwaukee Brewers Add Closing Pitcher from California Penal League to Roster

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn Called Up To Majors, Expects to Be "Winning"

MILWAUKEE, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - To further their chances of winning their first World Series championship, the Milwaukee Brewers have brought a 46-year-old fastball ace to their active roster. 

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, record-holder for fastest pitch ever thrown in Major League Baseball-- 116 miles per hour, joins the Brewers as they close in on their first World Series berth since 1982. 

"We are confident that Wild Thing has still got what it takes to win games in the 9th inning," said Manager Ron Roenicke.

Concerns have mounted about Vaughn's ailing astigmatism.  He has gone through at least twelve grades of thicknesses with his glasses over the past year, according to one of his female escorts.

In addition to appearing in the MLB post-season twice, Vaughn has also been a member of the California Penal League baseball organization twice.  The first stint in the clink was in 1988 for grand theft auto.  Vaughn's most recent season in the famed prison baseball league was due to cocaine possession, prostitution solicitation, and attempted torture on television charges.  

Many baseball fans in Milwaukee remember Vaughn for his rousing hard rock entrance song, "Wild Thing", late in close games.  Although he hasn't played an inning of baseball since losing the World Series with the Cleveland Indians in 1994, Vaughn sounds like he's up for the challenge.

“Winning, anyone?" Sneered Vaughn, while sawing a shotgun in the Brewers clubhouse.  "Rhymes with winning.  Anyone? Yeah, that would be us.  Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”

'Winning' in the true sense, and whatever coked-out sense Vaughn was blabbering about when interviewed for this story, is a certainty for the Brewers now that they have such a motivated comeback-kid on their roster.

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EXCLUSIVE: God's Bathroom/Cigarette Break Schedule - The Best Times to Sneak Food on Yom Kippur

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL - (@TheComedyNews) - An unnamed Israeli news source is reporting that a leaked internal schedule for the Lord our God, Adonai has been found and made public.

"God's daily schedule was found this morning in a discarded manilla folder on Ben Yehuda Street," revealed the unnamed source.  "It appears that Adonai's day includes several five to 20-minute breaks when He is not watching over the conduct humanity at all."

Some members of the Jewish faith look forward to exploiting some of God's intermittent downtime during the Holiday of Yom Kippur--- the most sacred day of year in Judaism.  On this day, Jews around the world refrain from eating from sundown to sundown to atone for their sins in the previous year.

"I'm totally going out to McDonalds to get a kosher Big Mac at about 1:20 PM today," rejoiced Sherri Adelsberg, a Chicago-native that recently made aliyah to Israel.  At around the time Adelsberg sneaks her food when she should be fasting, God is scheduled to take a cigarette break from 1:15 PM until 1:30 PM.

God's internal schedule that was leaked is translated below.  Downtime highlighted in Yellow:

04:55 AM - Bokaer Tov

05:00 - 05:30 AM - Walk the Kelev

05:30 - 06:30 AM - Watch over thy people


06:30 AM - Make the Sun Rise


07:30 - 09:00 AM  - Damning Traffic in New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, DC

09:01 AM - Bathroom break


09:02 - 11:00 AM -  Preside over Yom Kippur Services

11:00 - 11:15 AM - Hookah break / Bathroom

11:15- 13:00 PM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services


13:00 - 13:15 PM - Conference call with Buddah, Zeus, Jesus, Richard Dawkins (Passcode: 666-69)

13:15 - 13:30 PM - Cigarette Break

13:30 - 15:30 PM - Watch over thy people

15:31 PM - Bathroom break


15:32 - 15:35 PM -  Monitor 4th Quarter of College American Football (Note:  Notre Dame on NBC)


15:35 - 17:00 PM - Preside over Yom Kippur Services


17:00 - 17:15 PM - Pain/anguish-infliction lottery


17:15 - 18:00 PM - Make Kugel for Abraham's Break-Fast gathering


18:20  PM - Force the Sun to go down


18:21- 18:23 PM - Brace for Yom Kippur prayer-overload and brief remarks


18:24 - 20:00 PM -Abraham's Break-Fast gathering

20:00 - 20:45 PM - Take the Almighty Train back home.

20:45 - 21:00 PM - Take Kelev for a walk, cigarette

21:00 - 21:45 PM - Watch Jon Stewart on DVR

21:45 PM - 22:00 PM- Bathroom for the S's (Shit, shower shave, sing Sting songs, salute self, sanitize sink, stare silently at self, swap stuff with Satan on sInternet) 


22:00 PM - Lailah tov

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Ryan Braun Needs a Ride to Synagogue for Yom Kippur After Playoff Game

Braun:  "Can I Bum a Ride to Shul, Anybody?"

MILWAUKEE, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Milwaukee Brewers left-fielder Ryan Braun has more than just game 5 of the National League Divisional Series to attend tonight. 

Immediately following the game, Braun intends to go to Yom Kippur services at a local Milwaukee synagogue.  However, the All-Star currently has no ride to get from Miller Park to a Temple to repent his sins. 

"Can I bum a ride to shul, anybody?"  Called out Braun to tailgaters in the Miller Park parking lot this afternoon.  "Win or lose, I really need someone to drive me to a synagogue!  I really need to repent for my sins!"

The 27-year-old Braun, nicknamed "The Hebrew Hammer" for being both Jewish and one of the top sluggers in baseball, has been in a similar conundrum before.  "This is just like the time my Hebrew school carpool left without me when I was 12," lamented Braun.  "I was so scared.  And my Mom freaked out and called the police.  I didn't get home until almost 9:30 PM that night."

Already wearing his suit and clutching a 'Gates of Prayer' book in hand, Braun seemed quite desperate to find a ride.  

Braun explained that, in accordance with Jewish Law, he would not drive a car to get to a synagogue for Yom Kippur services.  He fears now that if the Brewers lose their playoff game, no limo driver, taxi driver, friend, or parent in Milwaukee will be happy enough to take the time to drive him to services.  And if the Brewers win, everyone in Milwaukee will be too drunk and slap-happy to get behind the wheel. 

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Ben Franklin Befriends Steve Jobs in Heaven; "Mighty Impressed" By iPhone

KINGDOM OF WEST HEAVEN - (@TheComedyNews) - Only a day after entering the afterlife, Steve Jobs has been befriended by another well accomplished, yet dearly departed innovator---Benjamin Franklin.

"This i-Phone device is wondrous!" Franklin exclaimed to his new buddy, Steve Jobs.  "I must say I am thoroughly impressed.  Now I must inquire, can I use this [long pause] i-Phone to find lovely lasses to come hither following nightly gatherings at Mozart's domicile?" 

Jobs was quick to address the inventor's question.  "Benji, the iPhone is great for contacting all of your friends, loved ones, and mistresses, if you do so choose." 

Several of heaven's greatest inventors, scientists, and artists lined up one by one to catch a glimpse of Heaven's newest resident and perhaps the most influential individual of the computer age.  Some eternal blogs have has reported sightings of Leonardo DaVinci, Albert Einstein, Johannes Gutenberg, and Aristotle.  After learning of Jobs' arrival in the afterlife, many of the figures quickly lined up at the eternal warehouse to get their hands on an iPhone.

Issac Newton was spotted repeatedly dropping his newly-acquired Apple iPhone under a tree, and attempting to make a big deal out of it.  Everyone else just thought Newton was being a crazy heretic again. 

Later in the day, Jobs was seen playing hacky sack with jam rocker, Jerry Garcia.  The two reportedly talked about activism-networking using a series of Applications on the iPhone.  

There were also rumors of a special keynote event hosted by Jobs in the coming weeks.

"My new pal Benjamin Franklin and I have a special announcement," Jobs announced over the Heaven soundsystem.  "Benji and have partnered up and will be showcasing a series of Apps that will help all of us in the Kingdom of Heaven on our daily activities."

On their morning radio show, Michelangelo and  Freddie Mercury speculated that one of the apps is called iHaunt---an application that assists the living-impaired with sending cryptic, spooky messages to the living.  Another app is called StudyPartner---an app that assists Heaven residents with keeping track of their living-loved ones' school work so they can better answer their prayers for better grades.  

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Fat Guy Tells Concerned Nation He Won't Start Running Anytime in the Future

TRENTON, NJ - (@TheComedyNews)) - A fat guy in New Jersey announced to a nation of concerned citizens that he will not be running any time soon.

"This is typical behavior by the overweight and out of shape," a concerned jobless mother of 9 lamented.  "We didn't know his name, but he looked mighty snug and sweaty in his suit.  He could have been a true inspiration to our concerned, fat nation."

The fat guy from New Jersey spoke to a crowd of reporters who had braced themselves for what they were certain would have been the first sight of the fat guy running.  

"We understand that it's trite, overdone, and not anyone's business to tell a fat guy that he should be running," prefaced one reporter.  He continued, "...still, all the experts agree, you should definitely run."

Immediately following his announcement not to run, the fat guy from New Jersey pulled out a turkey leg from his breast pocket, took a big bite, and shouted, "viva Jersey!" 

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Maryland's New Football Jerseys Recalled After Being Found to Induce Vomiting

COLLEGE PARK, MD - (@TheComedyNews) - The University of Maryland's new football jerseys have been recalled by the FDA due to thousands of cases of inducing vomiting in on-lookers.

"We have reason to believe that these garish, hideous uniforms have caused upwards of 50,000 people to spontaneously vomit upon first sight," an FDA spokesman announced.  

Similar recalls have been forced upon other sports teams including the Oregon Ducks and the 1965 Houston Astros.  

Recently, there has been a class-action lawsuit by the FDA against graphic t-shirt "designers" Affliction and Ed Hardy, for inducing vomiting, cringing, hate and all around faithlessness in society when people see their products.

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POLL: 100% of Big Ten Football Fans Don't Know What the New Divisions Are Named

33% of Opening Week Football Fans "Don't Give A Shit" About New Divisions: Leaders & Legends

MIDWESTERN USA - (@TheComedyNews) -A Poll released today finds that all Big Ten Conference football fans either don't know the new division names in the now 12-team conference, or just don't give a shit.

The poll was conducted over this past opening week of college football at Big Ten stadiums throughout the Midwest.  Random fans were asked, "What are the names of the new six-team divisions in the Big Ten Conference?"

The results (as seen in the pie graph on the right) show that there is not a single Big Ten football fan that knows what the divisions in the conference are.

And what exactly do Big Ten football fans think the conference divisions are named?

21% - Labias & Lesions
18% - Libya & Lobbyists
15% - Ladies & Gentlemen
33% - I don't give a shit. 
11% - "Go Blue!"

LEADERS & LEGENDS
Dividing schools up into two divisions is a new concept for the Big Ten conference.  The division names, Leaders & Legends, were released in 2010 in the wake of Nebraska joining the Big Ten to bring the total number of teams in the conference to an even twelve.

Big Ten officials refuse to confirm that the two words were lifted straight out of the University of Michigan's fight song.  Officials also refuse to confirm that "Leaders & Legends" were purposefully selected to be an arrogant put-down against conferences that dare to condescend to divide their teams up using geographic monikers (North, South, East, and West).

Pollsters did encounter their fair share of harassment.  Below is a list of other commonly heard responses to the question, "What are the names of the new six-team divisions in the Big Ten Conference?"

"I know it starts with an L, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY have to do this 3-story beer bong.  It's like, tradition, man!"  (Madison, Wisconsin)

"I-O-W-..."  (Iowa City, Iowa)

"Can't we just skip this test and start basketball season 2 months early?"  (East Lansing, Michigan)

"The better question is, why the hell isn't Joe Paterno talking about his starring role in the Academy Award-nominated film, 'Up'?" (University Park, Pennsylvania)

"If you know what the division names are, you hate freedom, you hate America and you want the terrorists to win.  GO BUCKEYES!"  (Columbus, Ohio)

 "Hail to those motherf---..."  (Ann Arbor, Michigan)



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DC Hit With Third Natural Disaster This Week As Mount Vernon Erupts in a Volcanic Fury

Volcano Joins Earthquake, Hurricane Irene in Latest Non-Government-Related Catastrophe to Hit DC

 

George Washington's home (foreground) with Mount Vernon nearby spewing lava for first time since 1252 AD.

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Hurricane Irene on Pace to Wash Away Cast of 'Jersey Shore'

The cast of Jersey Shore moments before getting miraculously trapped underneath a pier, toppled by Hurricane Irene.

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ - (@TheComedyNews) - In only a few hours, Hurricane Irene will come closer than any other force known to man to completely wash away any remnant of the Jersey Shore. 

"This could be the one that we have all been anticipating---yes--- a hurricane with enough power to wash away the cast of the Jersey Shore," announced a spokesman for the National Weather Service.  "Millions of Americans have tried since 2009 to convince MTV that the show has got to go, but as we will see this weekend, it will be a tenacious hurricane named Irene that takes care of the business once and for all."

Experts believe that once Hurricane Irene rips through the Jersey Shore, all that will be left will be thick globules of hair-gel, scattered containers of sunless tanner, and tattered (yet seemingly unscathed) graphic t-shirts. 

The cast of Jersey Shore is unsurprisingly cavalier and cocky when questioned about their show's upcoming demise.

"Irene?  Uh hah hah!"  Snickered Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.  "Some girl named Irene think she's gonna take us out?  I tells ya what, Irene blows alright.  She blows me, and then goes on to Pauly, Vinny, and Ronnie too---if she can find his weather vein.  Huh huh," continued Sorrentino.  

Jennifer Farley, otherwise known on the show as J-Woww, also had some words for Hurricane Irene.  

"I'm gonna try to uppercut her, that bitch Irene," sneered J-Woww.  "If that fat ass tropical storm tries to mess with us J-Shore peeps, I'm gonna throw a f*cking drink in Hurricane Irene's face." 

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Fox "News" Fined for Improper Overuse of Adverbs

FCC Upset Over Fox News' Improper Overuse of 'Allegedly', 'Reportedly', 'Supposedly'

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) -The Federal Communications Commission has fined the Fox "News" Channel for improper overuse of adverbs in their "news" story headlines.

"It has come to our attention that Fox "News" has been conjecturing content and topics for its TV shows and online publications," announced an FCC spokesman.  "In short, we are fining Fox "News" $54 billion for just making junk "news" up and getting away with it by a cunning use of adverbs."

The FCC sanctions also require Fox to put quotation marks around the word 'News" in both their logo and any official mentioning of Fox "News" in its content.  This is meant to distinguish Fox's product from all of the less polluted news sources.

The dictionary defines adverbs as "a word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a phrase, expressing a relation of place, time, circumstance, manner, cause, degree, etc.". 

Common examples of adverbs in the English language end in "-ly". 

The sanctions against Fox "News" come a day after the network decided it would be nice and shocking to mislead the public about the East Coast Earthquake destruction with the headline, "Washington Monument Reportedly Tilting". 

Other false stories by Fox "News" made slightly truer through the cunning use of adverbs include the following headlines (adverbs in bold): 

-Macauley Culkin and Kieren Culkin Purportedly Signed-on To Star as Wet Bandits in 'Home Alone' Remake.

-Afghanistan Allegedly in Talks with Obama and Democrats to Become 51st State

-Study:  Thinking Reportedly Linked to Brain Cancer, AIDS

-God Supposedly Considering Hiring Ronald Reagan to Judgement Board of Directors

The FCC also concluded that they would say that the American people are tired of hearing false, deceptive, crooked "news" proliferating the mainstream dialogue by Fox "News".  But after a few minutes of careful study, the FCC has concluded that the American people can hardly get enough of sensational, exaggerated, untrue slimy "news".

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Obama Takes Another Vacation on his Ranch in Crawford, Texas

Outraged Republicans: "It's Unprecedented, Irresponsible"

CRAWFORD, TEXAS - (@TheComedyNews) - President Barack Obama will be spending the next two weeks vacationing on his family ranch in Crawford, Texas---and republicans are quite irked.  

The 44th President and his family arrived in Crawford where he is expected to be chopping down trees, off-roading in his pick-up truck, and avoiding reading any intelligence memos relating to terrorism. 

Republicans have seized the opportunity to scrutinize Obama for taking a vacation in Texas while ignoring the needs of the American people. 

"Never before has a President taken vacation from his duty in Warshington," spat republican Elmer Earl Jerbison, a puppy-mill owner from Tulsa, Oklahoma.  The Constitution does not say anything about the President being allowed to go on no damn vacation to no damn Texas."

Jerbison is correct in his assertion that the Constitution does not micromanage the President. 

"The founding fathers, George Warshington and Thomas Jefferson, didn't take vacations," Jerbison continued.  "The founding fathers were always hard at work at being President.  And back then, the President got no help to do nothin'.  All by themselves, Warshington and Jefferson would run the country and plow the fields at their plantations which in today's dollars, would have been worth half a billion bucks.  That Obama...unprecedented, and irresponsible." 

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a current Presidential candidate from Minnesota took an even bigger step into the land of lies and bullshit by announcing on Twitter, "the founding fathers wouldn't have appreciated Obama going on vacation while treating the American taxpayers as slaves." 

President Obama's vacation has also been marred by on-going protests on the perimeter fence of his Crawford Ranch.  The day and night protests are being orchestrated by the mother of a Tea Partier who's son tragically died while attempting to slash the tires of vehicles owned by the Democratic Party. 

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The Hidden Pork of the Budget Ceiling Deal

WASHINGTON, DC  - (@TheComedyNews) - Now that President Barack Obama has signed the Budget Control Act of 2011, the good news is the United States does not default on their debts.

The bad news?  Pork barrel programs that were deceptively added by greedy Republicans, Democrats, and Joe Lieberman for Connecticut party members.  



Projects included in the budget deal but not made public until after its passage include:

-The withdrawal of funds for extraterrestrial nourishment in Area 51.


-The elimination of talking toilet seats from each Governors personal bathroom (yes it was federally funded); the House and Senate retain their toilet seats.


-Federal subsidies for celebrities to get out of jail for excessively large bails.


-Vouchers for federal legislators to receive elective plastic surgery.


-Eliminating funds for the biweekly keg party in each federal circuit court.


-Government contracts to businesses to produce small American flags that are provided via air drop to Third World Countries and China.


-Federal loans to Greece to help end their recession in exchange for 6 Billion pounds of lamb.


-The confirmation of Pete Rose to head the Internal Revenue Service.

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HISTORIANS: Foggy Bottom Originated as 1775 Slang for "Swamp Ass"

WASHINGTON, DC - (@TheComedyNews) - Historians at George Washington University have uncovered the origins of the name of one of the oldest neighborhoods in Washington, DC.  

According to their research, the neighborhood Foggy Bottom got its name in 1775 as a slang term for what is currently known as "swamp ass".  

"Foggy Bottom is an affliction that has plagued every resident of Washington, DC dating way past the Revolutionary War times," a GWU professor notes. 

"In 1775, then General George Washington was frequently irritated by his soldiers who were late to formation because they had been changing their sweaty underwear---especially during the humid, sultry 90-degree summer days in DC".   

The discomfort felt by the revolutionary soldiers came to be known as "Foggy Bottom" due to the influx of "foggy" moisture on the posterior "bottom" of people exposed to the dewy elements of the DC basin.  

It is widely known that the thicker the of the undergarments---particularly those of soldiers in uniform--- the more intense the Foggy Bottom case becomes. 

In 2011, Foggy Bottom in its original connotation is almost completely absent from the DC vernacular.  The common term for sweaty undergarments causing discomfort on one's posterior is now known worldwide as "swamp ass". 

 

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Bachmann Blames Heatwave on "Illegal" Mexican Air

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - (@TheComedyNews) - Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced today that she has figured out the source of the massive deadly heatwave stretching from the midwest to the east coast.  

"This deadly heat that's making patriotic Americans all sweaty and gross is coming from none other than Mexico," the Minnesota Representative said while wafting cold air from her refrigerator.  "If President Barack Obama would have done something about illegal crossings over the Mexican border, none of this hot Mexican air would have escaped to America and hurt our red, white and blue weather."  

Bachmann has also been declaring that if she becomes President, she plans to eliminate the National Weather Service.  

"Until the National Weather Service toughens their stance on illegal heat from Mexico creeping into America, they can kiss their funding goodbye in 2013.  That's how you cut spending, my fellow Americans."

In her latest speech, Bachmann speculated that if the United States does not build a wall to keep illegal immigrant weather from seeping over the southern border, summer temperatures could climb to a sinful 666 degrees Fahrenheit by the year 2013. 

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LEAKED: Netflix's Original Draft of Price Change Email

LOS GATOS, CALIF - (@TheComedyNews) -  A day after surprising their members with exorbitant price increases, DVD and movie-streaming giant Netflix has accidentally leaked the first draft of the email notification sent out to its 23.6 million subscribers.
 
[Text of Draft Email Below]



 Dear  Sucker Netflix Member,

It is with great pride and power that We are are separating unlimited DVDs by mail and unlimited streaming into two separate plans to better line our pockets with our customers' hard-earned cash reflect the costs of each. Now all of you couch-potatoes our members have a choice: a streaming only plan, a DVD only plan, locating a Blockbuster Video store or both.

Your current $15.00 $14.99 a month membership for unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs is pretty awesome.  But alas, your satisfaction is not nearly as paramount as ensuring that the top executives of Netflix have a yacht for each of the four oceans, so your membership will be split into 2 distinct plans:

   Plan 1: Unlimited Streaming (no DVDs) for $8.00 $7.99 a month
   Plan 2: Unlimited DVDs, 2 out at-a-time (no streaming) for $12.00 $11.99 a month

That's right, we are raising the price without adding anything new.  It's called capitalism and greed. 
Your price for getting both of these plans will be $20.00 $19.98 a month ($7.99 + $11.99). You don't need to do anything to continue your memberships for both unlimited streaming and unlimited DVDs.

These prices will start for charges on or after the tenth anniversary of the September 11 attacks September 1, 2011.  God Bless America. 

Unless you're a computer-illiterate moron (and we hope you are), You can easily change or cancel your unlimited streaming plan, unlimited DVD plan, or both, by going to the Plan Change page in Your Account.

We hope you realize that we at Netflix have you by the balls you have many choices for home entertainment, and we thank you for your business. We really don't care about what you think as long you keep paying your monthly membership fee.  As always, if you have questions, please feel free to call us at 1-900-MIX-A-LOT 1-888-357-1516.

–The Netflix Team

P.S.
Mwah hahahahahha.  

NASA: Astronauts Will Ride The Bus To Space

NASA Reluctantly Gets Rid of 1980s Vehicles;  Astronauts "Thrilled" to Ride Public Transit into Orbit

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - (@TheComedyNews) - As Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off into space this afternoon, future Astronauts geared up for the next phase of manned space flight in the United States:  the Space Shuttle Bus.

The Space Shuttle Bus is expected to take over the Space Shuttle Program that is being retired after 30 years of flight.

"We really liked keeping those old Space Shuttle things around," announced NASA Director Boulden.  "Discovery, Atlantis, Endeavour---they were really like Honda Civics---they could last forever.  But alas, we're retiring the old vehicles and the future of manned spaceflight for the indefinite future is all about public transit--- meet the Space Shuttle Bus!"

The current crop of NASA astronauts are reportedly "thrilled" that the Space Shuttle Program is shifting to public transportation.

"I used to ride the bus all the time," explained Mission Specialist Ronald Jetty.  "I'm a city guy, I come from Chicago, and I really gotta say the bus is such an underrated mode of transportation.  I'm so glad they finally got buses to go to space.  Some of the other astronauts have been all pissy about now being forced to ride the bus to space.  Bunch of north shore ninnies from the suburbs.  Maybe they can just wait for their mommy's minivan to fly to space.  It could be worse--- we could always resort to carpooling with the Russian space program.  Yeah right, we're better than that!"

Some big name astronauts are coming out of retirement to fly in Space Shuttle Bus' maiden flight.  These include first American to orbit the Earth, John Glenn, first human to set foot on the moon Neil Armstrong, and former cosmonaut-to-be Lance Bass.  

The first launch pad for Space Shuttle Bus will be located at the street corner of 1060 West Addison Street in Chicago, Illinois.

NASA has declined to go into details as to how the Space Shuttle Bus will actually fly into Space.

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Top 10 Most Patriotic American Films Since 1776

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - (@TheComedyNews) -   It is that time of year where the patriotic Americans come out in droves to celebrate their country's independence from Great Britain in 1776.

And the only thing more Patriotic than watching high-budget patriotic films is making a top ten list about them.

Honorable Mentions

Braveheart (1995) - Although the film does not depict Americans winning independence, it is still a depiction of a group of oppressed rebels kicking some British Royal ass.

Super Size Me (2004)- Big Macs are basically synonymous with America. What can be more patriotic than eating copious amounts of McDonald's for a month?

Almost Heroes (1998)- A big fat American, Chris Farley, beats the British (and Lewis and Clark) in a race to the Pacific Ocean in 1803. His public relations team is not that good, so Lewis and Clark end up taking all of the credit. 

Glory (1989) - America's favorite truant student grows mutton chops and leads America's first all-black military regiment against the Robert E. Lee and the Confederate Army. 

Top Gun (1986) - Unnecessarily glorifying Tom Cruise is pretty damn American. 

Armageddon (1998) - When the end of the World is upon us, a team of American deep-sea crude oil drillers led by Bruce Willis will save the day.  

Ghostbusters 2 (1989) - The Statue of Liberty takes a stroll through Manhattan, and then destroys the ceiling of a goulish art museum.

Miracle (2004) - Kurt Russell shows the world that a bunch of college boys from Minnesota, North Dakota and Wisconsin can whip the Soviets in their bread, butter, and borscht: ice hockey.

Top 10 Most Patriotic American Films Since 1776: 

10) True Lies (1994) - Arnold Schwarzenegger has to stop Key West from becoming the next Hiroshima. 

9) Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008) - The sequel to the greatest road trip film of all time features a Homeland Security agent asking, "Is it freedom o'clock?"

8) The Patriot (2000) - This is the only film on this list that actually depicts the Revolutionary War.  Mel Gibson defeats the Redcoats and helps America win Independence.  In an alternate ending only on a limited edition DVD, Mel Gibson gets beaten to a bloody pulp by a regiment of his own Jewish soldiers. 

7) South Park Movie: Bigger, Longer And Uncut (1999) - America fights Canada over a petty dispute about cartoon profanity. And when you can't decide on a good villain to unite against, always be sure to default to Saddam Hussein.  Hey, it worked for President Bush. 

6) Saving Private Ryan (1998) - If films could fight a war, Steven Spielberg's epic World War II film would duke it out with Shakespeare In Love (1998) for the Academy Award for Best Picture...and then lose for some reason.

5) Beerfest (2006) - Benjamin Franklin once said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." This film is the epitome of what it is to be young careless in America--- chugging obnoxious amounts of beer to prove is the coolest kid in high school.

4) Die Hard I-IV (1988-2007) - Bruce Willis defeats the Germans twice and puts down two rebellions in America. Yippee-ki-yay [Mister Falcon].

3) Independence Day (1996)- Bill Pullman gives the greatest wartime Presidential address since Gettysburg. And the combination of the Fresh Prince's witty one-liners, the annoying bastard from Jurassic Parks I and II, and Randy Quaid destroying a 9-mile-diameter spaceship dramatizes America's ability to fend off an alien invasion. In the immortal words of Captain Steven Hillard, "Welcome to Earth!".

2) National Treasure (2004) / The Rock (1996) / Con Air (1997) - Nicholas Cage is what every American jockstrap bonehead aspires to be:   explosive, awesome, and a buried in a slurry of box office cash and rotten tomatoes. These films include fire, car chases, convicts, gratuitous gun usage, and Disney-esque happy endings.

1) Rocky IV (1984) - The perennial underdog, Rocky Balboa, battles Communist Russia's top boxer---a steroid receptacle named Ivan Drago.  While behind enemy lines in the U.S.S.R., Rocky wins the Cold War without dropping one nuclear bomb. Ivan Drago, on the other hand, goes on to serve as the inspiration for Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Hulk Hogan, and other patriotic American heroes and role models.

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Frankenstein Drafted #1 By Cleveland Cavaliers in NBA Draft

NEWARK, NJ - (@TheComedyNews) - German basketball star Heinrich "Heinie" von Frankenstein was selected first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the 2011 NBA draft .

The 8'3" behemoth from Munich is expected to make an immediate impact with his abilities to block, rebound, and scare the wits out of opposing players and fans alike.

"This man could signal a new era of the league where corpses can play and owners do not have to worry about injuries," commented NBA Commissioner David Stern.  Stern also noted that the league has planned to make rule changes to accommodate corpses including the "The Mike Tyson Rule", no gnawing or eating of human flesh on the court or benches.

Frankenstein immediately signed a contract for 5 years worth $97 million and has endorsement deals with Taco Bell and Volkswagen.  Upon signing with the Cavaliers, Heinie commented, "Me vahhnt braaaains," in a deep drawl.

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Bob Saget to Play Anthony Weiner in Made-for-TV Movie, "Weinergate"

Biopic Will Show How Job Performance Is Much Less Important Than Personal Life   

QUEENS, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - Actor and comedian Bob Saget has been tapped by Anthony Weiner himself to play the former Congressman in the upcoming made-for-TV movie, "Weinergate".

Saget, known around the comedy scene for his vulgar and graphic stand-up material, is said to not only look like Anthony Weiner when he wears his contact lenses, but also has the tendency to yell similarly to former Congressman Weiner.

"I invited Bob over to my bungalow in Queens this week, we had a good talk," describes Weiner, clad in a Mets sleeveless shirt at a Golds Gym.  "Bob proved to me that not only does he basically look like me and have the propensity to drop f-bombs and impress a lot of ladies, he is also a huge proponent of health care reform."

Weiner also asked Saget to do a health care reform-themed Aristocrats joke at the top of his lungs at some random republican dissidents.  Details of the graphically hilarious partisan rant have not yet been published, but eye-witnesses say some of the topics covered included John Boehner's tanning lotion, a highway rest-stop toilet, and John Stamos moonlighting as a urologist.

At that point, Weiner was sure that Saget was the man to portray him in a made-for-TV movie.

CBS is set to air the made-for-TV movie on labor day weekend.  Principal photography will begin this weekend in a government-operated locker room.

Although the film is set to be titled, "Weinergate", the producers are considering renaming the project something more original:

--"Huma's Cool With It: The Anthony Weiner Story"

--"Congressman Beefcake Goes to the Gym"

--"Cable News Casualties Caught on Tape"

--"No Different Than A Constituent"

--"Life in the I Don't Give A Fuck Lane"

--"Everybody's Done It, So Shut Up"

 --"How to Be Great At Your Job And Get Forced To Resign Over Shit That Is No One's Business But Yours"

*****

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