Teaching Grandma To Text Not Going Very Well

BOCA RATON, FL - (@The Comedy News) - Dustin Rasumsson thought a great way to spend Christmas Day would be to teach his 88-year-old Grandma Cloris how to send a text message on her new iPhone.  

However, despite his pending Ph.D in social work from Cornell, Dustin's efforts to teach Grandma Cloris were futile.  

"I've always known Grandma to be a strong, smart idol of mine," said Dustin.  "But watching her hit the 'call end' button over and over, and then turning off the phone when she wasn't using it, made me flip my shit."

Dustin's patience wore thin as he hovered behind his Grandma---who was perched in her favorite rocking chair.  After asking where the erase button was [referring to 'delete'] Dustin snatched the phone away from Grandma Cloris and called her an "old windpasser".  

Grandma Cloris, a retired nurse who has been alive since the Calvin Coolidge administration, was in good spirits the entire time.

Despite her complete and total failure at attempting to send a text message, Grandma Cloris did manage ---all on her own--- to learn how to shoot and upload sepia-faded photographs to Instagram.

Jewish Geography Offered as a Major at 23 Universities

Field of Study Focuses on Jewish Peoples' Ability to Find Mutual Connections

MADISON, WISCONSIN - (@The Comedy News) - Its description starts almost like a joke:  "Two Jews meet in the street.  One says to the other, 'hey do you know'..." 

The social inquisition colloquially known as Jewish Geography is now being offered as a major field of study at twenty-three colleges and universities across the nation.

Some of the universities and colleges offering Jewish Geography as a major include Columbia, Duke, Delaware, University of Wisconsin, University of Michigan, University of Florida, Maryland, George Washington University, Brandeis, and Vanderbilt. 

The Jewish Geography department at the University of Wisconsin in Madison offered to publish its syllabus for their survey class during the upcoming spring semester:   Jewish Geography 118: Introduction to Jewish Geography

Lecture 1:  Jews:  Who the hell are you?

Lecture 2:  New York, Miami, and Wyoming??  Big City vs. Small City Jewish Geography

Lecture 3:  The Art of Asking Leading Questions

Lecture 4:  Conventional Reactions to Positive Jewish Connections

Lecture 5:  The Steins and the Bergs:  Goldsteins and Bernsteins; Goldbergs and Pittsburghs

Lecture 6:  Tactics in Abruptly Ending a Jewish Geography Session Gone Awry

Lecture 7:  Summer Camp Politics

Lecture 8:  Jew-dar:  Seeking Potential Jewish Geographers Without Saying a Word

Lecture 9:  Guilt Trips: Backhanded and Intentional

Lecture 10:  Parent-Orchestrated Blind Dates and Other Disasters in Jewish Geography

Other classes in Jewish Geography:

Jewish Geography 269:  Forming Early Geography Skills in JCC Nursery School

Jewish Geography 313:  The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Wars 

Jewish Geography 613:  Overbearing Jewish Mother Seminar

Jewish Geography 714:  Jewish Dads and The Sociology of Tolerating Miserable Jokes

Jewish Geography 750:  Palm Beach, Palm Springs, and Scottsdale:  Jewish Geography While Eligible for Social Security

Jewish Geography 799:  Gathering the Jews:  How to Run a Jewish Community Website

"Wrong again, dumbasses", predicted the Aztecs

Mayan Apocalypse Hoax Accurately Foreseen by Aztec Peoples

TENOCHTITLAN, MEX. - (@The Comedy News) - The Aztecs accurately forsaw that on December 21, 2012, the world would go on as per usual, contrary to crackpot predictions by the Mayan peoples.



Story developing, check back later for details.  

09:28 AM- Incas reportedly didn't give a shit for any of this prediction shit.  

Jewish Holiday Parties That Were Discontinued

Image courtesy of KosherHam.com

 

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) -We have all been invited to our fair share of holiday parties---with our coworkers, with our friends, with our neighbor who hoards cats and trash in the front yard.  

And for the 165,000 Jews in the Washington, DC metro area, there is no shortage of Jewish-themed winter gatherings. 

Various Jewish organizations have facilitated dozens of successful parties for the DC Jewish community, some even running annually for over twenty years.  Just like good Jewish humor, the names of the parties have been alliterated and cheesy.  

However, there are some Jewish winter holiday events that were discontinued over the years:

Challah Back Y'all Karaoke Kabbalah (2005-2006)

A short-lived karaoke tournament inspired by the Gwen Stefani song, Hollaback Girl.  A schmorgesborg of challah bread kept the bashful non-singers enthused.  Discontinued after too many drunken off-key renditions of Sweet Caroline, Don't Stop Believing, and Od Yavo Shalom Aleinu. 

Bagel Bash  (2000-2008)

A $5 fee got revelers admission to a wild and crazy dance party at McFaddens in Foggy Bottom, as well as all-you-can-eat bagels and schmear.  Discontinued after Michelle Obama smote excess carbohydrate ingestion.

Pork Protest (1993-1994)

A dance party primarily attended by reform Jews who advocated for a change in kashrut laws forbidding pork products.   Popular with American Jews from Midwestern states.  Discontinued after no one would admit to each other that they loved the taste of pork. 

Shrimp Strike (1993-1994)

Same as pork protest.  Just more popular amongst New England seafood snobs. 

Brisket Bris-off (1946-1964) During the post World War II baby boom, DC Jews used to gather at RFK stadium on Christmas eve for an outdoor mass-celebration of brit milah, or "bris".  Local chefs provided complimentary brisket samplings to the new parents.  Discontinued for too many reasons to list.  Mistletoe Mitzvah (1989-1999) Billed as "The Easiest Jewish Singles Event to Get To First Base!"  Basically, it was an awkward happy hour with mistletoe hanging from the tavern's ceiling.  Interest faltered after everyone in the Jewish community had made out with each other.  Jew-Jitzu Jam (1984) Popularized by the film, Karate Kid, the Jew-Jitzu jam was a martial arts-themed dance party that encouraged Jewish revelers to dress up in either Cobra Kai attire, or Miyagi-do Karate attire.  Discontinued after too many fights broke out on the dance floor.

MatzoBrawl To Feature Simon vs. Garfunkel, Streisand vs. Gene Simmons in Xmas Eve Boxing Matches

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - Jewish Americans will have a new reason to get down with some holiday cheer this winter:  the first-annual MatzoBrawl is set to take place live from Madison Square Garden on Christmas Eve.  

MatzoBrawl will feature one-on-one boxing matches between prominent Jewish celebrities.   

HAPPY GILMORE vs. BILLY MADISON
Fresh off his recent suspension from the PGA Tour, golfer Happy Gilmore will be certain to have some  aggression to blow off in the boxing ring.  The hockey player-turned-golfer is known for his short temper, which will serve him well in the later rounds.

Knibb High School physical education teacher Billy Madison's best hope for a knockout hinges on two factors:  keeping the trash talk to a minimum, and showing up to the fight with a blood-alcohol level below .08. 

Special guest referee:  Rob Schneider 

Favorite:  Gilmore

BARBARA STREISAND vs. GENE SIMMONS 
Gene Simmons, the Israel-born frontman to K.I.S.S. will clash with Barbara Streisand---an equally as overrated popstar who's relevance was also left in the 1970s.  Since both competitors refused to "condescend to wearing frumpy boxing gloves", officials have allowed both Streisand and Simmons one foreign object.

Streisand is expected to use one of her eight Grammy awards as a weapon, while Simmons will likely do something that involves either fake blood or his grotesquely deformed tongue.  Still, both celebrity-boxers are expected to quit the fight when their excessive makeup starts to smear. 

Favorite: Streisand. 

PAUL SIMON vs. ART GARFUNKEL
Having been buddies since their elementary school days in Queens, folk rockstars Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have gone in and out of personal clashes.  While they have been reportedly getting along for the last decade, both Simon and Garfunkel will reunite in the center of Madison Square Garden to box their way into another hiatus.  

Favorite:  Garfunkel

SARAH SILVERMAN vs. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
In what is being billed as "The Battle of the Sarahs", comedian Sarah Silverman will fight Sarah Jessica Parker in the opening boxing match of MatzoBrawl 2012.

Stipulations:  If Parker wins, Silverman has to go a week without using profanity.  If Parker loses to Silverman, Silverman gets to have a night-on-the-town in Chicago with Parker's husband of fifteen years, Matthew Broderick.   

Favorite:  Parker

*MatzoBrawl is not affiliated with the annual Christmas Eve meat-market, Matzo Ball.  All puns are purely coincidental. 

'JDate Going Really Well', Thinks Guy Who Doesn't Realize How Rude He Just Was

BOSTON, MA - (@TheComedyNews) -  While on his first JDate in a month, Max Rubinstein smiled across the cocktail table to his date, Rebecca Schumer.  It was at this juncture that Max thought that things were going beyond smoothly.  He knew was in---she was digging his flattery----buttering her up for what was certain to lead this JDate to an intimate end.  

"This JDate is going really well----just keep on smooth-talking and I am in!" Max thought to himself. 

Little did Max realize that his comment comparing Rebecca to his ex was the rudest thing he could have done in that moment.

"You're not as cute as my last girlfriend, but you do look smarter," Max said while chewing on some of Rebecca's red velvet cake with his mouth open.  "But no offense.  I'm starting to like smart-looking girls, anyways," he continued.

Shocked and floored, Rebecca could only sit with her mouth partially open, eyebrows lowering.

"Oh man, she can't stop looking into my eyes, you did it Maxy!"  Max thought to himself. 

Max wanted to keep his perceived momentum going, so he followed up his "flattery" with back-to-back 20-minute stories about himself.  First, a smug tale about when he turned 13, his parents voted him their favorite child (out of four total).  This was followed by an iPhone slideshow of Max's beloved cat, Matzah, and then a profane diatribe about how Nixon should have defeated JFK in the 1960 election.

The waiter for the pair told reporters that throughout the evening, Max used five of the 'seven words you can't say on television'.  

After about 90 excruciating minutes, the check arrived. At that point Max thought, "Alright, fourth quarter, you're Tom Brady, better pull out the A-Material, son!"   Out loud, this translated into Max saying, "so Rebecca, tell me about yourself." 

Not wanting to indulge, Rebecca replied, "I'm getting a text message from a friend.  She's, umm, having a bit of a crisis.  I really should go now.  She's my best friend from college."

Wanting to turn up some more cute flirting, Max snapped, "you went to college?"

As the JDate parted ways, Rebecca conceded an awkward side-hug with Max.  Max then looked into Rebecca's eyes one last time, flashed a sideways peace-sign and said, "I'll be in touch.  Peace sugar!"

Upon arriving home, Rebecca deactivated her JDate account and changed Max's name in her iPhone to "Don't Answer #7".

Bagel Snob New Yorker Ruins The Mood At Breakfast Again

Jacob Engelstein hating on bagels.

CHICAGO, IL - (@The Comedy News) - A wholesome breakfast between college friends Jacob Engelstein and Mara Brown came to a bitter conclusion after Engelstein began to proselytize about how bagels in his home town of New York City are better than all of the bagels made elsewhere.

Engelstein was in Chicago for the weekend, visiting from his home town of New York.

"You call dis a bagel? In New Yawk, we got real bagels," Engelstein said when Mara's sesame seed bagel with lox and cream cheese arrived at the table.  "I only get bagels from Bagel Express on Third.  Everyt'ing else is gahhhbage."

Mara Brown, the Chicago-native who had to endure Engelstein's rants, said that throughout their time at Northwestern University, Engelstein would always find a way to remind everyone within shouting distance that New York City has the best bagels.

"During sophomore year of college, Jacob was sweet enough to come to a shiva service for my grandfather who passed away," Brown explained.  "But as soon as the bagel and veggie spreads were served to mourners, Jacob just went off.  Ended up getting into a fist fight with my uncle Morty after mouthing off about the bagels being frozen, not fresh."

Engelstein and Brown had plans of visiting Brown's favorite Jewish deli in Skokie later that afternoon, but Brown canceled.  

"After Jacob started explaining for the billionth time why the water in New York makes all the bagels and pizza better, I knew I could no longer take his smug parsing of non-New York food," explained Brown.  "He's already knocked Chicago bagels, Chicago-style pizza, and even called my Rabbi 'reverend' to his face.  I'm not gonna let him trash my favorite matzo balls in town."

Shortly after parting ways with Brown, Engelstein ended up being detained at O'Hare airport for trying to sneak concealed canteens of New York tap water onto a plane. 

Obama Quotes Eminem from "8 Mile" in Debate 2 with Romney

HEMPSTEAD, NY (@The Comedy News) - At Tuesday night's debate at Hofstra University, President Obama channeled the lyrics of rap star Eminiem to scrutinize his opponent Mitt Romney's ability to relate to average Americans.

Following an admission that the economy still needs work and that he himself is not perfect, Obama directed a lyrical jab at Romney: 

 Don't ever try to judge me dude, you don't know what the fuck I've been through!  But I know something about you...  You went to Cranbrook, that's a private school!

Obama's rhythmic charge refers to Romney's days at Cranbrook, a privileged private high school in suburban Detroit---where annual tuition is over $50,000.  While at Cranbrook, Romney infamously and maliciously pinned down a gay student and shaved his head against his will.

The lyric comes from the 2002 film, 8 Mile, loosely based on the early days of rap star, Marshall "Eminem" Mathers. (Video clip)

Romney's response to the Cranbrook comment was, "Oh come on, it was either Cranbrook or a dumpy ass public school.  Pshhh."

Girl on Vacation Not Sure If Her Friends Are Jealous Yet

CABO SAN LUCAS, MEX. - (@The Comedy News)  Stacey DiPalo, a senior at Arizona State University has been spending the last week in Cabo San Lucas with two of her friends from high school.

But the last three days have been a bit confusing for the 20-year-old sorority girl:  she is not quite sure if her friends back home are jealous of her vacation yet.  

"The first day we were traveling to Mexico, my friends were like, liking the shit out of my status updates," describes Stacey, referring to her check-in on both Facebook and FourSquare at Sky Harbor International Airport. "But since I arrived I haven't received a single like from like anyone.  Maybe there's like a time difference or something?"

Cabo is only one hour ahead of Tempe, Arizona, where Stacey's friends still at school seem to be ignoring her social media updates from where she refers to as, "Piña Colada Paradise". 

Today, Stacey posted a photograph of the view of the beach from her hotel, her breakfast of huevos rancheros and avocado, and a picture of Stacey doing body shots with what appears to be Detroit Lions quarterback Matt Stafford.  But to Stacey's dismay, there wasn't a single comment or like.  

"I think people may have forgotten that I am on vacation #jealousofme," Stacey tweeted to her 147 followers.  "Instagram me at StaceyFacey for pics of me getting humped by a Dolphin!  A Dolphin!" Stacey wrote 23 minutes later. 

Calls to Stacey's friends about whether they were jealous of Stacey's vacation posts just yet were not returned.  Stacey has advised reporters that this might be a sign of jealousy. 

****UPDATE****

Stacey's Facebook friend list has dropped by 13 in the past four days, leading Stacey to believe that indeed her friends are jealous of her vacation posts. 

Romney Campaign Unveils "Gaffe Proof" Teleprompter for Next Presidential Debate

DENVER, COLORADO - (@TheComedyNews) -  After the debate last Wednesday, the Romney campaign unveiled its latest tool from their presidential candidate by default sandbox:  a supposed "gaffe proof" teleprompter. The crude design is simply two etch-a-sketch units super glued together and duct taped around a mic stand. 

The teleprompter, which sources close to the campaign say is designed to keep Romney's responses within time limit and on message during the debates, is comprised of two messages. One reads "sorry=bad" while the other reads "no specifics." And if that's not enough, two secondary etch-a-sketches are on stand-by and read, "You are rubber, Bush is glue" and "blame B. Hussein Obama."

These teleprompters are seen by many as an example of the type of fiscal spending the Romney presidency could bring to Washington. Representative Darrel Issa agreed by saying, "Romney's campaign has saved more money by following conservative policies, while the POTUS has a tax payer-funded $2000-a-day burn rate----- and that's just for shopping sprees and  Bieber tickets for the FLOTUS and those two children of theirs."

The Romney camp hopes the prompters will ensure facts and correct context will be injected into the debates. Fears have been growing in the campaign that Romney's words and postmortem jokes taken as actual statements by news affiliates will be treated with the same prejudice Barack Obama receives when he uses a teleprompter for speeches. 

The Obama campaign lobbied a weak counter argument, similar to the President's debate performance, to this momentous presidential race shake-up by issuing the following statement:   "teleprompters aren't typically used in debates but....okay, fine." 

Either way you slice it, the second presidential debate just got more DVR worthy.

By J.N.

Big Bird Befriends Burt Reynolds in Unemployment Line

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - Unemployed Sesame Street star Big Bird has become good friends with unemployed movie star Burt Reynolds.

"We became pals while waiting in line for our unemployment checks," explains Big Bird, 43, who was laid off due to cuts to Public Broadcasting.  "Burt's been out of work since January when he did a brief voiceover on Archer."

Big Bird explained that in addition to being unemployed, he recently had a big fight with one of his long time friends Snuffleupagus.  Snuffie (as his friends call him) recently changed ideologies, as he was paid personally by Republican Mitt Romney to be a live-action mascot for the Republican party.

"Snuff, that turn-coat prick.  I hope his new friend Mitt Romney pins him down and shaves his bloated elephant-freak body," huffed Big Bird, while lighting a cigarette at the Midtown Manhattan Unemployment Insurance Agency.  "I'm not bitter, I have a new pal, he's just as unemployed and washed-out as me.  Burt Reynolds!"

Reynolds admits that he is enjoying his new friendship with Sesame Street's friendliest bird. 

"Bird's a good guy.  Or girl, not really sure.  Frankly I don't really care.  He's good shit, keeps me company. Ya know, in line and stuff," said Reynolds.

Later in the day, Big Bird and Reynolds purchased sunflower seeds and Jameson, which they consumed while making rude passes at park-goers in Central Park. 

Mel Gibson Crashes London Olympics Opening Ceremony in Full Braveheart Attire

Industrial Revolution Drumline Interrupted by Gibson Reprising Role as William Wallace;  Then Marches with United States Olympic Team

Mel Gibson (blue face paint) sings "Hey Jude" with the United States Olympic team

Mr. Bigot, A New Muppet Inspired by Chick-Fil-A, Unveiled by Jim Henson Company

Mr. Bigot (pictured) - the newest Muppet - inspired by Chick-Fil-A

LOS ANGELES, CA (@TheComedyNews)  -  After ending their promotional partnership with Chick-Fil-A, The Jim Henson Company has decided to make a new Muppet inspired by the anti-Gay fast food chain.  

"We want to make clear that homophobia will not be tolerated.   We have ended our partnership with Chick-Fil-A, and we at The Jim Henson Company are making a new Muppet, Mr. Bigot:  a sad portly anti-Gay conservative who frequents Chick-Fil-A, and throws bad tea parties," a spokesman announced.  

Part Mr. Bigot's personality will be constantly insisting that everyone eat fast food like Chick-Fil-A and say mean unprovoked comments at other characters.  

Some of the more established Muppets are quite uncomfortable at the addition of such a vile character, yet recognize the importance of pointing out how harmful his lifestyle is.

"This new Mr. Bigot guy is such a disgusting jerk, he makes me sound as friendly as Kermit," said Oscar the Grouch, the curmudgeon Muppet for 43 years.  "Mr. Bigot thought I was his buddy since I'm a hoarder and grouchy all the time, but I'm actually a very progressive guy.  Believe it or not, my family and I recycle at home." 

Wearing a confederate flag bandanna and a black t-shirt that reads "nObama", Mr. Bigot is meant to be the new beacon of bad influence amongst the Muppets.  "Biggy" is what he asks his friends to call him, but as expected, he will have none.  

According to Oscar the Grouch, Mr. Bigot confided to him some of his plans to harass the other Muppets.  First, he will try to pin Animal down and shave him.   Mr. Bigot also plans on poking fun at Miss Piggy on her way to the gym, telling Rolf that Michael Vick has been invited over to "play", and yelling Jewish epithets at Gonzo. Oscar the Grouch also said that Mr. Bigot had unrepeatable vitriol aimed at Bert and Ernie.

The Jim Henson Company plans on introducing another character, Psy, a Psychologist whom Mr. Bigot must visit with once a week to work on eliminating his stubborn hate. 

Andy Warhol's Pop Art Legacy Shamed By Mosaic of Hot Pockets

The Hot Pockets XVI

PITTSBURGH, PA - (@ The Comedy News)  To celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Andy Warhol's Campbell's Soup painting, a group of well-meaning artists has made a shameful tribute to the pop artist's work by making a mosaic of Hot Pocket Boxes.

"Warhol is renowned worldwide for his colorful, repetitive portrayal of iconic high-sodium American cuisine," said one of the pop art commemorators.  "What better way to shame Warhol's visionary work for future generations than to make similar painting with an even less-healthier snack!"

Critics have said that The Hot Pockets XVI is an embarrasment to Warhol's legacy.  Many have suggested that for a 21st century rendition of his pop art, Warhol would have at least appreciated a mosaic of Bagel Bites.

Chief Justice John Roberts Finally Repays Obama for Screwing up The Oath at Inauguration

WASHINGTON, DC - (@TheComedyNews) - In today's landmark 5-4 decision upholding the Health Care Reform Bill, Chief Justice John Roberts has acknowledged that he has finally repaid President Obama for flubbing the oath of office on January 20, 2009.

"Barack has called me every night since inauguration day," said a relieved Chief Justice Roberts.  In a high-pitched mocking voice, Roberts quoted the President's harassment: "'Hey John, repeat after me... faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States.  Say it!  You overpaid pension pirate!'  You hear that?  The President called me a pension pirate."

At inauguration in 2009, Chief Justice John Roberts, while administering the constitutionally-required oath of of the Presidency, mixed up several words.  Out of caution, the President and the Chief Justice re-administered the oath at the White House a few days later.

Still, the President never forgot the Chief Justice's mishap.

"I have been looking for ways to make peace with the President," Chief Justice Roberts said.   "After all, I really f'd up. I work like three months a year---behind closed doors---with a bunch of bookish curmudgeons.  But somehow, I managed to mess up the one thing I have to do on international live television.  So to make it up to President Obama, I voted to uphold his Health Care Reform Bill.  By doing this, not only will Barack be happy with me for the first time, but it will also give me another shot at administering that tongue-twister of an oath to Obama on January 20, 2013."

National Archives Condemned and Evicted for Excessive Hoarding

WASHINGTON, DC - (FACEBOOK:  The Comedy News) - Health inspectors have condemned and evicted the National Archives Building in Washington, DC due to excessive hoarding.

"When we walked in the Archives building, it smelled like mothballs and gymsocks," said DC Health Inspector Daniel Tanner.  "Everywhere you look, there were black and white photographs of Civil War-era debutantes, to-do lists dating back to 1776---and an irrationally elaborate security system to keep anyone from stealing this old, stinky, faded junk---it was sad and with all due respect, pathetic, to see such rampant hoarding."

A team of health inspectors in haz-mat suits reported that over 4.5 million documents, microfilms, and photographs were being hoarded in the 76-year-old building. 

"Ever wonder what happens when the Congress passes a bill?" Questioned Health Inspector Tanner. "Those piles of paper come to this building to just sit, collect dust, and rot.  Although not very many Acts of Congress have been added to the pile of hoarded paper in the last 10 or so years, the Archives staff seem be delusional enough to think that people actually have a use for all this Government junk ---all saved up in this here building."

A 30-by-30-foot orange banner was hanged from the Corinthian pillars at the Constitution Avenue entrance of the National Archives.  It reads, "Eviction Notice---Warning Some of the Rotting Contents within These Premises Are Almost 800 Years Old.  Do Not Enter."

According to the deranged curator of the condemned Archives building, somewhere in the pile of hoarded Government documents is a very significant document about a conspiracy to assassinate President John F. Kennedy which he refused to show anyone until the year 2017.

Wisconsin Accidentally Re-elects Koch Brothers as Governor

Wisconsin voters: "Aw Shit!  Not Again!"

Cows, Fonzie, and the Green Bay Packers sulk after their accidental reelection of the Koch Brothers as Governor.

WAUKESHA, WI - (@The Comedy News) - After an arduous year and a half of coming up with innovative ways to manipulate facts and lie with straight faces, the Koch brothers have been re-elected as Governor of the state of Wisconsin.  Karl Rove, a former adviser to George W. Bush, was re-elected as Lieutenant Governor. 

Although they never have lived in Wisconsin and have admitted several times on record that they hate the Green Bay Packers, the Koch Brothers, David and Charles, defied months of protests and were re-elected in a vicious recall election. 

"We made sure the voters were good and confused---just enough---to re-elect us as Governor of the manipulative state of Wisconsin," said one of the Koch brothers---who are indecipherable when sitting next to each other.  "We, along with our portly Lieutenant Governor, Karl Rove, did unspeakable things just to make sure we can continue to take a big red white and blue shit all over Wisconsin peoples' precious "civil" rights, education, and wages.  Gee whiz, we're awesome."

Wisconsin citizens are aghast with themselves since realizing that they re-elected a pair of red-faced sociopath out-of-state oil tycoons to run their state government---again.  

"Aw shit! Not again!"  Lamented students at Memorial Union at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, after cable news networks called the election in favor of the Koch Brothers after 2% of the precincts reported.  

One Wisconsin voter, who claims he was only doing what he was told to do, explained to reporters how he became so confused that he accidentally helped re-elect the Koch brothers as Governor. 

"I received a phone call this morning telling me that if I voted for Donald Driver last week on Dancing With the Stars that my vote to recall the Koch brothers has been counted, and I don't have to vote today," explained Bart McKowski, 64, of Waukesha.  "But uh, now that you tell me that that ain't true, well, I guess that...aw shit, not again!"

Several regretful Wisconsin voters realized on election day that they should have nominated Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers for Governor.

"Rodgers would have been a fantastic candidate to run against the Koch brothers for governor," said Mona Taliesin of Spring Green.  "He went to Berkeley, so he's definitely progressive.  And his buddy Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers would have been perfect for Lieutenant Governor.  He would have definitely locked up the herpes vote---that's 25% of voters right there."

The re-elected Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin, Karl Rove, had a simple explanation for the re-election of himself and the Koch brothers.

"First, we get all the conservative business criminals to donate a couple million bucks to our campaign," explained Rove as he drank a celebratory Budweiser.  "Then, we hire some hollow suit to make a bunch of speeches about the state budget woes, the toothfairy, and how a college grade point average somewhere between 1 and 2 can't stop you from pissing-off millions of hard working tax payers.  Then you convince that dipshit that he's the reincarnate of Ronald Reagan.  And right when the voters start to question your plan, you blame all the problems on the public school teachers."

The Koch brothers' first plan as re-elected governor of Wisconsin is to create a new timezone.  "Wisconsin standard time", as the new timezone will be called, will reset all of Wisconsin's clocks to the year 1955. 

Top 1% Already Scheming To Hog All of the Commercial Spaceflight Tickets

Mitt Romney, Mark Cuban, Koch Brothers, New York Yankees Determined to Hoard Pricy Space Tickets

Virgin Galactic Founder, Richard Branson

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – (@The Comedy News) – An investigative report has revealed that the top 1% of America’s super-rich are already scheming to hog every available ticket aboard upcoming commercial spaceflights.

While cable news outlets laud the historic moment in aviation and space history, corporate billionaire swine are quietly buying up all of the spots on every planned commercial spaceflight.

“How amazing will it be when we have to butter up a client, and we offer them and their mistresses two of the company seats on a flight to space,” Tweeted Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks.

Single tickets for a ride on a commercial spaceflight are estimated to cost anywhere from $250,000 to $1 million each.   

Exxon Mobil and Wal-Mart executives have already bought up the first dozen commercial spaceflight tickets.  Several members of the New York Yankees are planning on doing the same soon as well.  Former Facebook executive Eduardo Savern announced he will buy 20 commercial spaceflight tickets, and vowed not to pay any taxes on them.  

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has also announced that not only will he attempt to become the first Venture Capitalist in Space, but if elected President, he will issue an executive order to forbid gays from riding on a commercial spaceflight---just to be a douchebag.  It is believed that this plan is aimed solely at former N*Sync singer Lance Bass, who is openly gay and attempted to buy his way into the Russian space program ten years ago. 

Romney also said that he plans to downsize Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic commercial spaceflight company into oblivion--- regardless of whether he wins the Presidential election.

“I will definitely be the first Venture Capitalist in space.  But, I will not allow a Frenchman like Sir Richard Branson to run a company that shuttles free-thinking hippie space tourists into orbit,” announced Romney.

Romney continued, “there’s just something wrong with that Branson guy.  I don’t like his long wavy blonde hair, and stubbly beard.  It’s just wrong.  In fact, I have a plan: once I downsize Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic company, me, the Koch Brothers, and Sean Hannity are gonna pin down Richard Branson and shave off his hair.  Now that’s one thing I have a lot of experience in doing.”

********************************************************************************

37 McDonalds Logos Added to American Flag To Honor States Founded After 13 Colonies

American flag with 37 McDonalds logos.

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - To honor the 37 states that joined the union after the original thirteen colonies, Congress today approved the addition of 37 McDonalds logos to the American Flag.

The movement to honor the 37 states that joined the union after the Thirteen Colonies spurred from resentment of the East Coast by the Plains and Midwest states.  The Pacific states didn't really care either way.

"The design of the flag retains its fifty white starts on a blue background in the upper left, which commemorate every state," announced Dorothy Bruce of the Union of 37 "Other" States.  "However, the thirteen stripes of red and white have been cause for jealousy and controversy---but mostly jealousy.  For this reason, the 37 'Other' states will now be commemorated with the one common factor that unites all 37 of the 'Other' states:  McDonalds."

McDonalds has restaurants in each state of the United States, over 12,000 in all.  Their signature logo, a yellow-arched "M" with black trimming, now appears thirty-five times on red stripes of the American flag.

And to complete the 37 states, two McDonalds logos appear on the white stripes of the American flag, to symbolize "Alaska and Hawaii not really being a part of the United States anyways", according to an anonymous gynecologist-Senator from Oklahoma. 

Citizens from the 37 "Other" states are quite enthused about the upcoming changes to the American flag.  

"When you're in Warshington, New York City, Philthadelphia, Baltimore, Boston, Gettsyburg, Pittsburgh, Goldberg, whatever... ya hear alotta monkey-shine about them Thirteen Colonies," lamented Roger McGuinness, a  puppy mill manager from Casper, Wyoming.  "We want our flag to send a message to them East Coasties from them Thirteen Colonies:  There's thirty-seven other states.  And those states are better."

With the addition of 37 McDonalds logos to the American flag, the United States joins Croatia as the only two countries in the world who's flags consist of the colors red, white, blue, yellow, and black. 

Here is an excerpt of the petition to Congress by the Union of 37 "Other" states:

"Whereas just because a state was one of the first thirteen to be founded, that doesn't make them special."

 "Whereas McDonalds encapsulates the 37 other states of the union with its high fat content and clever low brow advertising."

"Whereas we are sick and tired of being put down by smug East Coasties, who think they are so cool because they have taller buildings, bigger traffic jams, and shorter drives to international airports, the fourteenth through fiftieth states of the United States demand the American flag commemorate the Thirty Seven "Other" states explicitly."

David Stern Gives Last Place Charlotte Bobcats Participation Ribbons

After 7-Win Season, Worst Team in NBA History Commended for Trying Their Best

The 2011-12 Charlotte Bobcats sporting their participation ribbons

CHARLOTTE, NC - (@The Comedy News) - After enduring the worst season by a National Basketball League team, the Charlotte Bobcats were each awarded blue participation ribbons.  The Bobcats had a record of only seven wins, and 59 losses. 

"We at NBA headquarters are very concerned about the self-esteem of the Charlotte Bobcats players," announced NBA Commissioner David Stern.  "For Christs sake, they only won seven games this season.  Sad.  And the entire commissioner's office was unsure of how to address this issue."

Stern's wife recommended that the NBA just award each of the Charlotte Bobcats players a  participation ribbon to recognize their ability to at least try their best this past year. 

Each of the players on the Charlotte Bobcats were given a blue ribbon to pin to their game jersey.   On the ribbon, in fake-gold print it reads:

WINNERS PARTICIPATE

★ ★ ★

YOU ARE A WINNER

Below the encouraging inscription, there is a drawing of a smiling sun.

The NBA commissioner is also considering doing-away with the Larry O'Brien Championship trophy, which is awarded to the team that wins the NBA Finals.   The replacement for the trophy expected to be a good sportsmanship certificate printed on paper made to resemble the hard-wood of a basketball court. 

The commissioner's office is also working on changing the criteria for the league MVP award.  Although MVP currently stands for "Most Valuable Player", commissioner Stern is looking to recognize recent trends for violent outbursts in players by renaming the current award as the "Most Violent Player" award.   

The first winner of the NBA's Most Violent Player award is likely to be Ron "Metta World Peace" Artest.  The trophy is also expected to be replaced by a championship belt, which the reigning player must wear in every game in the subsequent season.

Rusted Old Flying Machine from the 1980s Does Flyover of DC

Flying DeLorean Time-Machine Does Loop around Nation's Capital;  Goes on Display by Dulles Airport;  Awesome Doors open 'Upward'

Doc Brown's DeLorean piggybacking on a NASA 747

DULLES, VA - (@The Comedy News) - An old rusted technological relic from the Ronald Reagan years made a flyover of Washington, DC today, on its way to the Smithsonian aviation museum by Dulles Airport. 

The DeLorean DMC-12 time-machine, now retired, was transported by a NASA 747 Carrier Aircraft from Hill Valley, California to the Udvar-Hazy Center in Virginia where it will be on permanent display.

Originally manufactured by Dr. Emmett Brown, the DeLorean was first piloted by high school dropout, Marty McFly on October 26, 1985.  Although Dr. Brown's time-travel program has long since been defunded and discontinued, people around the world are fascinated by the DeLorean time-machine's impressive abilities and sleek appearance.

"I'll miss it's doors that open upward," said Alex Reeves while wiping back nostalgic tears.  "I'm just glad that this rusted, overpriced, out-dated, flying hunk of 1980s funky junk will be in a museum.  My grandkids will know about a quaint exciting time not long ago when time-travel was possible."

Many onlookers held signs on the Memorial Bridge between the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery, welcoming the defunct time-machine to DC.  Some revelers were playing the song "The Power of Love" on boomboxes to get in the time-travel mood. 

Some objected to the flight of the time-machine over Washington, DC---particularly due to it's position on top of the 747 Carrier Aircraft.  The Family Research Council, a conservative 'pro-family values' lobby group, lamented today in a press release that, "parading two flying objects latched together in a sexually explicit position is not the kind of message we want to send to children.  Particularly letting the little sin-machine sit on top.  It's un-American, lude, wasteful, and a poor showing of judgement."

The DeLorean time-machine went on several journeys throughout the space-time continuum, spanning from the year1885 and into the future as far as the year 2015.

However, the 27-year old vehicle does not hold the record for space-time continuum travel for devices manufactured in the 1980s.  That title belongs to a small phone booth located in San Dimas, California.  The time-traveling phone booth currently belongs to the George Carlin estate. 

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Horace Grant to be Spokesman for Google's Next Invasion of User Privacy

Horace Grant sporting his Google Goggles

"Google Goggles:  Who Needs Privacy When You Have the Eyes of a Champion?"

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - (@The Comedy News) - Former NBA star Horace Grant is the new spokesman for Google's latest invasion of user privacy---the Google Goggles.

"As the world's most famous wearer of oversize novelty glasses, I think Google Goggles are a slam dunk!"  Grant announced as part of Google's advertising campaign.  "Now, with Google Goggles, you can look like a 4-time champion!   Who needs privacy when you have the eyes of a champion?"

Nicknamed 'Project Glass', Google expects its revolutionary goggles to invade users privacy more than ever.  

Google's business model seems to do more than just invade peoples lives with still-photos and video footage.  Google hopes that the Goggles can literally see the unique view that users have only recorded in the privacy of their own minds.   

"De-privatize your brain.  Share your secrets.  Google Googles."  ---Horace Grant

The newest television advertisement for the Google Goggles begins over a black screen to the sounds of 'Sirius' by the Alan Parsons Project":

"Horace Grant.  True Patriot.  Born on the Fourth of July [in 1965].  Don't you wanna SEE like HORACE?  Try the Google Goggles.  You  may not score very much or at all, but it will definitely give you the ASSIST you need in life."

Google expects the Goggles to fail and be discontinued by December of 2012.  

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