The Best of the Worst Books Left on the Shelves at Borders

A Journey Through the Inventory of a Bankrupt Bookseller

WASHINGTON, DC - (The Comedy News) - As Borders bookstores close nationwide, customers have flocked to take advantage of the firesales to get rid of any remaining merchandise.  With discounts as high as 80% off, print edition bestsellers and classics are flying off of Borders' shelves.

There may not be any Tom Clancy or Dan Brown novels, or any Obama biopics on the shelves.  But what remains is a treasure trove of many forgotten books that should and will be judged by their covers:  

"I Dreamed a Dream" - A biopic on Susan Boyle and how she swooned Simon Cowell with her immaculate voice and potential for a makeover spin-off.

"The Futurist" - James Cameron's how-to book on making over-priced post-apocalyptic films with enough revenue to fix the U.S. economy.

"Those '70s Shows:  TV Trivia & Puzzles" - A must have for M*A*S*H* enthusiasts, Mork & Mindy fans, and all the most fascinating facts about those episodes of The Brady Bunch that people watched between moon landings.  

"The Ultimate Metallica Etc. Etc. Etc." - A tell-all about Lars Ulrich's jihad against Napster, as well as life after that time when they got drunk, gave each other haircuts, and made a pact to make their music unbearable. 

 "Texts from Last Night" - A print edition of the viral website's best posts.  Has been a hit with elderly readers who have no internet access, but want to read all about regrettable sexcapades and drunken debauchery. 

"Serious as Dog Dirt" - Bam Margera's first book.  After it was published, he set the first 1,000 copies on fire and skateboarded over the flames. 

"Simon Cowell" - The American Idol judge's biopic was originally going to be titled "Mein Kampf:  The Art of Spreading Discouragement". 

 "How to Boil Water" - A 600-page start-to-finish manual that takes readers from buying a pot at Target all the way up to their own kitchen where the water-boiling process starts to get really complicated. 

  "The Purpose of Christmas" -  An audiobook featuring children from around the world indiscriminately yelling "Presents, Playstation, iPad" all at once, in 59 languages, for 9 hours. 

"No Limits" - An audiobook of  Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps singing "Hail to the Victors" and offering dieting advice to people who are forced to swim for 18 hours per day by overbearing parents. 

 "The First Book of Seconds" - Some economists believe that being second-best is the new first place.  Profiles include George Harrison, the Buffalo Bills, and Saving Private Ryan at the 1999 Oscars. 

"Why You Should Store Your Farts in a Jar" - Martha Stewart was originally going to write this one and include recipes in the back. 

"Why Dogs Eat Poop" -  A sociological explanation for the age-old question. 

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Newt Gingrich are authors of some of the only remaining mainstream hold-outs on the Borders shelves.   (Click Photo to Zoom In) 

 "Here's the Situation" - Mike Sorrentino's journey from being a 5-year-old brat punk to an all-American douchebag that embarrasses himself on Comedy Central.

"Fist Pump" - A dance-instruction manual for disciples of the Jersey Shore.  

"Roseannearchy" - Roseanne Barr's screenplay for a film where the earth is destroyed after she's elected to some public office somewhere.


 

"Win Forever" - Coach Pete Carroll discusses how to use money and cars to get his way both on and off the football field.  Mixed in is a little bit of community service just so readers don't think Coach Carroll is a complete scumbag jerk, only a partial one. 

Photos taken at Borders Books at 18th and L Street in Washington, DC.  Yitgadal v' yitkadash.

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John Boehner Becomes Cheetos Spokesman

PLANO, TX - (The Comedy News)  Frito-Lay Inc. announced today that Speaker of the House John Boehner will become the newest spokesman for their snack food product, Cheetos.  

"Speaker Boehner is known recognizable as the most powerful orange person in the world," announced Frito-Lay marketing director Stanley Bridges.  "Boehner's prominence, combined with that delicious crunchy cheesetastic taste of Cheetos will bring our products to many new markets."

Chester Cheetah, the reigning spokesman for Cheetos, has been skeptical about his new tag-team marketing partner.  

"Boehner has a lot to prove before he wins my respect as a Cheetos spokesman," explained Cheetah, after a staged photo-shoot with Boehner.   "He's orange.  I get it.  He cries alot.  Some see it as endearing.  But  he's also from Ohio.  And I've seen his legislative tactics, they seldom produce results.  That Boehner is dangerously cheesy."

Speaker Boehner holds a residence in West Chester, Ohio.  He is rumored to be taking up the nickname, "The West Chester Cheetah".   However, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office rejected his application due to his unabridged enthusiasm to shut down them and every other Federal Government entity. 

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Marquette and UNC Cleared to Let Michael Jordan and Dwayne Wade Play In Sweet Sixteen

NEWARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - NCAA officials have confirmed that Michael Jordan and Dwayne Wade will be playing in the Sweet Sixteen basketball tournament match-up between Marquette University and the University of North Carolina this Friday in Newark.

"We at the NCAA were approached by both Michael [Jordan] and Dwayne [Wade] about coming back to the Marquette University Golden Eagles and and University of North Carolina Tar Heels.  We all agreed that having two legends coming back to college ball for just one game will be great for the sport, and even greater for advertising revenues," announced an NCAA official. 

This game will be Michael Jordan's first try at college basketball in 27 years. "All I gotta say is, I'M BACK!"  Announced an excited Jordan from his home in Charlotte.  "I'll be back in Chapel Hill to party it up each night this week.  I've only got 3 days to get back into my college training routine!  I'm pumped to bring that #23 Tar Heels jersey outta retirement." 

Dwayne Wade's return to the Golden Eagles' starting line-up wasn't an easy decision for the 7-time NBA All-Star.  "This is gonna be a blast.  Me and MJ, back playing for our schools," rejoiced Wade at a press conference.  "Although, now that I think about it, I should probably tell [Miami Heat] Coach Spoelstra and Pat Reilly.  I'm supposed to be in Miami at that time to play the Sixers.  Eh, whatevs."  

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USA To Sell Coveted UN Security Council Vote On eBay

Economists Expect Sale of Permanent Veto Power To Help Offset  US Debt

NEW YORK, NY - (@TheComedyNews) - In the wake of United Nations sanctions against Libya, the United States of America is considering auctioning its coveted vote on the UN Security Council.

"The unprecedented sale of the United States' vote on the Security Council could fetch as much as $500 billion on eBay," predicts economist Norm Finklebauer.  "The escalating situation in Libya could make the value of the vote increase by as much as 25% over the next week.  If there's any time to sell, the time is now."

Experts are confident that the sale of the security council vote by the United States will certainly be a catalyst for economic growth---particularly fixing the national debt and current budget debate.  The billions of foreign dollars that would be injected into the US economy would have an instant impact. 

The UN Security council was founded at the beginning of the Cold War in 1946.  It consists of 15 nations with the power to vote on resolutions to promote international peace and stifle conflict between countries.

Five members of the UN Security Council are permanent and have coveted veto power:  United States, China, United Kingdom, France, and Russia.

Prospective bidders on the United States' UN Security Council Vote

Egypt

--Some political clout on the global scale could get everyone to forget about that whole 2011 revolution thing. 

Brazil

--South America's most populated nation will do anything to make their upcoming 2016 Summer Olympics a better time than any of the culturally bankrupt summer games in Beijing, Athens, Sydney, Atlanta, and Barcelona. 

United Kingdom 

--Two votes are definitely better than one.  The UK with two votes could help them relive their 'glory days' of global imperialism. 

Yoko Ono

--A UN Security Council vote could be the final piece to the puzzle for Ono to fulfill her late husband John Lennon's business model for world peace, outlined in the song 'Imagine'.

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Scott Walker Moves Wisconsin State Capitol Building to Brookfield Square

 

State Capitol Building Relocated to Thwart Protesters

BROOKFIELD, WI - (The Comedy News) - In an effort to prevent protests near his office, Governor Scott Walker has relocated the entire Wisconsin State Capitol Building 70 miles east to Brookfield. 

"This way, all those 1960's liberals can have Madison all to themselves to protest my ideas," Walker said in an AOL Instant Message.  "So let 'em protest all they want!"

For the past few weeks, there have been consecutive days of thousands of protesters at the lot where the State Capitol square in Madison once stood. With the relocation of the State Capitol  to Waukesha county, it now can be in a more "moderate" region of Wisconsin.  Waukesha County voted 62% for McCain and 37% for Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election.

Physically moving the 106-year-old State Capitol down Highway 43 to it's present location on Moorland Road was quite a daunting task.  The Governor's task force on Capitol Relocation hired 93,000 temporary workers to assist in the engineering anomaly.   Of those workers,  20,000 were from firms in Illinois, 50,000 from China, another 20,000 from Minnesota, and about 2,997 from Canada.  Only three jobs were created for workers from Wisconsin. 

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Fred Durst Celebrates Ten-Year Anniversary of "My Way" Alone At The Barbershop

Barber:  "He's Basically Doing Nothing These Days"

JACKSONVILLE, FL - (The Comedy News) - The former front man to nu-metal band Limp Bizkit was finally located this week as he celebrated the ten-year anniversary of one his most eclectic songs.

Fred Durst was found this week celebrating the tenth year since the release of the song "My Way" (video) at Ritchie's Barbershop in Jacksonville, Florida.  A quick glance confirms what most assume about Durst's recent whereabouts:  he's doing basically nothing, and wearing a backwards red hat.

"He comes into the shop each day this week and asks for the Mike 'The Situation' cut," explained barber Ritchie Roberts.  "Since March 6th, he routinely walks in, physically removes a customer who's in the chair, and then takes a seat.   He'll ask for the Situation cut, yet never removes the dumb red hat.  Just sits there and mumbles to himself, 'check-check, check-check, check out ma melody.'   It's really irritating."

Ten years ago this week, "My Way" by Limp Bizkit was the #1 rock song on the billboards.  These days, it gets no playtime.  Capitol Hill insiders hint that "My Way" is so irreputable that the House of Representatives might pass a unanimous resolution to commemorate the song's cultural value to society.  Bloggers speculate that the song helped motivate President George W. Bush through some of his toughest decisions in 2001. 

Flash forward to 2011, and Durst is only a nuisance to the few that he approaches.  Unfortunately for Ritchie Roberts and his barbershop staff, they happen to be some of those unlucky few.  

"He doesn't even pay.  Just walks outta the shop mumbling, 'keep on rollin, rollin, rollin'", lamented the barber.  "Next time, I'm gonna do society a favor and shave "Huge douche" on his head.  Durst probably won't even notice". 

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Bomb-Sniffing Dog Indicted For Corruption Scandal

German Shepherd Caused Dozens of Wrongful Arrests In Food-Stealing Scheme

CHICAGO, IL – (The Comedy News) – A Chicago Police Department bomb-sniffing dog  will stand trial this week for intentionally accusing innocent commuters of carrying malicious explosives.  

Kermit, the 3-year-old German Shepherd originally from Oak Park, is being accused of alerting authorities of suspicious bags containing explosives, when in reality, all Kermit had been looking for was food. 

“We have reason to believe that the defendant, the K-9 Kermit, barked ferociously, jumped and nipped at the bags of innocent people walking on the sidewalks of Chicago under the guise that there were harmful explosives inside,” said District Attorney Jerry Camper.   “The record will show that not only did the arrested individuals have nothing harmful in their bags, but any food items they had were devoured by Officer Kermit.”

The scandal broke when a complaint was filed with the head of the K-9 Unit by one of Kermit  deputies, Haley, a 2-year old border collie.   Haley did not explicitly say any wrongdoing by Kermit, but definitely brought attention to Kermit’s enthusiasm when nothing was found in suspicious bags except for food—typically cookies, bread, and dishes with chicken or beef.  

As Kermit became more and more aggressive with the K-9 officers when the bags (with no explosives) were being handed back to the commuters, Haley would whimper and cry.   Her sulking eventually paid off with Kermit being indicted in a Chicago court---after 17 wrongful arrests. 

The maximum sentence that Kermit faces is seven nights in the kennel crate, belly-rub probation for one month, and mandatory court-ordered counseling services facilitated by dogwhisperer Cesar Millan.  

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Packers Update: AJ Hawk Gets Greedy In New Contract

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Green Bay Packers inside linebacker, AJ Hawk, was re-signed to a four-year deal with the reigning Super Bowl Champions. 

In addition to the $6-7 million he will make each year, there are several things Hawk required to be guaranteed in his contract before he would commit:

◊ A Shamwow, Magic Bullet, SlapChop, and George Foreman grill

 ◊ The pacecar for the 2011 Indianapolis 500.

◊ $5000-per-month stipend to shop at Target.

◊ Jim Carrey's car in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

◊ Above-ground pool for his childhood mobile home in Ohio.

◊ The Isle of Man.
◊ Squeeze bottle of Famous Dave's barbecue sauce.

◊ Night on the town with Brady Quinn's sister.

◊ Brett Favre's old number.

◊ Monthly appointments to go mallard hunting with former Vice-President Dick Cheney.


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Wisconsin Teacher Caught Spending Wastefully at Walgreens

FOX POINT, WI – (The Comedy News) – A public school teacher from Milwaukee, Wisconsin was caught wastefully spending at a local Walgreens store by an outraged eyewitness.
 

The teacher has been identified as Mr. Mark Spranderson, a 33-year-old fifth grade history teacher at Ellsworth Middle School. Onlookers were shocked to see that Spranderson was spotted buying items not only out of necessity, but some even for leisure.

“I am mortified,” lamented Michelle Nilap, a stay-at-home mother of Brookfield who is married to a local real estate developer. Nilap was the shopper who first reported the local school teacher's wasteful spending incident. "Who does Mr. Spranderson think he is? Wasting all of his money on Healthy Choice beef and potatoes, generic qtips, and---get this--- two whole sticks of Old Spice deodorant. He's a teacher, a public school teacher, he should not have time to use these things. Such a wasteful spender. Hrmph."

Outrage has spread recently about getting public school teachers to potentially take a pay cut to help offset the deficit of the state of Wisconsin's budget. Citizens such as Ms. Nilap have gone out of their way to blow the whistle on public school teachers who, in their opinion, are the cause of Wisconsin's financial woes."

"Cheap black dress socks? Oh come on," continued Nilap, who herself purchased a facial hair zapper that day. "Public school teachers should not be spending their salaries---which come straight from tax payers' pockets, like my husband---on cheap black dress socks. It's not like the teachers have enough money to go the elite parties and brunches that I go to anyways." 

In a somewhat unrelated incident, after the interview at Walgreens, Nilap discovered that her Range Rover had been towed because it was parked in a handicap parking space. Nilap theorizes that it was Mr. Spranderson who reported her illegally-parked vehicle.

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"Home Alone" Still Tops List of Highest Grossing Films With No Use of Special Effects or Animation

For many years, the top grossing films of all-time have included almost exclusively films loaded with special effects and animation. Forgotten in this mix are the films that generated audiences without the use of anything beyond a camera and a little bit of lighting.

Avatar? Harry Potter? Titanic? Star Wars? They may be some of the most revered and financially successful films of all-time. They lead in box office results, total budget, and imagination. But beyond all of the cool visual effects, a very peculiar list of films emerges:


Top Ten Films Of All Time That Did Not Use Special Effects or Animation

1) Home Alone $285,761,243 (1990)

2) Meet the Fockers $279,261,160 (2004)

3) The Hangover $277,322,503 (2009)

4) The Blind Side $255,959,475 (2009)

5) My Big Fat Greek Wedding $241,438,208 (2002)

6) Mrs. Doubtfire $219,195,243 (1993)

7) Wedding Crashers $209,255,921 (2005)

8) Grease $188,389,888 (1978)

9) Dances with Wolves $184,208,848 (1990)

10) Liar Liar $181,410,615 (1997)


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(Source: BoxOfficeMojo.com)

Scott Walker Officially Ends Super Bowl XLV High For Wisconsin

New Governor Puts An End To Jubilation, Jobs

MADISON, WI – (@TheComedyNews) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker decided this week that now is the time to officially put an end to all Super Bowl XLV celebrations.

"There are over five-million overly jubilant Packers fans in the great state of Wisconsin, and my cabinet believes that the time is now that all five-million of us stop celebrating the Green Bay Packers' championship glory and focus on trimming the ailing budget," declared Governor Walker, while drinking a Budweiser. "What good is a Super Bowl for your home state team when no one wants to sacrifice a little bit of fun to make it look like their Johnny-come-lately first-term governor can balance the state's checkbook. Stop being so greedy and let's slash some funding!"

Governor Walker this week has led a charge to eliminate collective bargaining for unionized state workers. This will almost certainly lead to lower funding and lost jobs at many public schools throughout Wisconsin. Walker also is issuing an executive order to officially end any additional celebration of the Green Bay Packers' Super Bowl victory last week because it is wasteful and, Walker thinks that personally, it's pathetic.

Governor Walker's additional proposed changes to quell the deficit:

•Privatizing Lake Michigan to increase the price of water at restaurants.

•Moving the Milwaukee Brewers back to Seattle.

•Selling all land north of Hayward to Minnesota and Canada for $0.05 per acre.

•Eliminating the Marquette interchange because a school doesn't need a whole freeway all to itself.

Walker continues to defend his proposals while emphasizing that he's just an ordinary citizen trying to do what's best. "Don't get me wrong, I am a Packers fan like the rest of all of you. But I'm a deficit hawk first. You're either with me or against me. God bless Wisconsin."

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Bob Woodward Ruins Carl Bernstein’s Surprise Party

WASHINGTON, DC – (The Comedy News) – A surprise party to celebrate the 67^th birthday of journalist Carl Bernstein was foiled by his long-time investigative journalism partner, Bob Woodward.

The surprise birthday party was organized by Bernstein’s wife, Christine, along with his children Alfred and Sylvia. Bernstein’s family had planned the event to be an extravagant surprise birthday party at the Washington Hilton Hotel on Valentine’s Day for their accomplished father.

The invitations instructed the over 300 guests to, “Come Celebrate the Big Six-Seven With Carl, But Don’t Tell Him, It’s a Surprise!!!”

One of the invitees, Bob Woodward took that invitation as an opportunity to be the whistle-blower on a potentially huge news story. He initially broke the news by creating a ‘breaking news’ email alert with the Washington Post.

However, Woodward used his journalistic integrity to conceal the identity of his sources for the tip that led to ruining the surprise birthday party. The code-names he used for his sources, which presumably are just Bernsteins’ family members who sent the invitations, were Money Shot, Philly Fakeout, and Angry Dragon.

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Dallas Cowboys Say Super Bowl Is Invalid Because of Botched National Anthem

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) - It didn't take long after the Super Bowl XLV confetti fell on the field at Cowboys Stadium for conspiracy theories to emerge surrounding the validity of the Green Bay Packers' victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Dallas Cowboys, the host team for this year's Super Bowl game, claim that the game was not even a valid game to be counted in the official record books. They argue that since Christina Aguilera did not properly sing The Star Spangled Banner at the beginning of the game, the game was in violation of NFL rules and should be voided altogether.

The incident that the Dallas Cowboys are citing is that Aguilera sang a few words in the United States' national anthem incorrectly. The lines in particular were sung, "what so proudly we watched at the twilight's last gleaming", instead of the correct lyrics, "o'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming."

"The NFL requires The Star Spangled Banner to be sung before every game. Today, it was not sung," a Dallas Cowboys conspiracy theorist alleges. "America deserves to be honored before every regulation game. There were different words we heard tonight. As a result, Super Bowl XLV's results are moot and the trophy must be awarded to the host team."

Immediately after the conspiracy theory was tweeted by an unnamed injured Cowboys quarterback, the Dallas Cowboys erupted in celebration of their perceived sixth Super Bowl trophy. The rest of the Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington metropolitan area celebrated in a fiery riot.  Fifty were injured, three are dead.

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Rand McNally Considers Adding Green Bay to Maps

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Following the Green Bay Packers' first Super Bowl win of the new millennium, the largest producer of maps of the United States is considering adding the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin to all of their future maps.

"We at Rand McNally believe that the time has come to recognize Green Bay on all of our maps," commented a Rand McNally spokesman. "For many years, we thought that if we let Green Bay appear on our maps, that would set off a domino effect, and before you know it, we would have to add every total joker loony toon city to our maps like Omaha, Springfield, and Seattle."

The town of Green Bay, also known as "Titletown" has become known as a professional football mecca due to the town's ability to draw hundreds of thousands of tourists and football fans per year to celebrate the professional football team with the most NFL Championships---the Packers now have 13.

With a population of only 102,313, Green Bay is the smallest media market in professional sports. Despite these setbacks, the Packers have remained in Green Bay since 1921. Such an anomaly has caught the attention of Rand McNally, and is thus why Green Bay has now found its way onto a map for the first time.

The first Rand McNally map featuring Green Bay Wisconsin will be unveiled at Lambeau Field this Wednesday morning.  About 20,000 enthusiastic Green Bay residents---all claiming to be an owner of the Packers--- have already begun to stake out the best tailgating spots to get drunk and eat brats before the "Green Bay Is On The Map" ceremony.

George W. Bush Cheers the Green Bay Package Guys over the Pittsburgh Robbers

43rd President Talks Total Nonsense with John Madden for 3 Hours

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) - Former President George W. Bush had quite an extravagant evening at Super Bowl XLV in suburban Dallas. The 43rd President had a double date on Sunday night with his wife, former First Lady Laura Bush, John Madden, and Madden's date, a plate of nachos.

"I was so excited to see that guy John Madden wanted to hang out with Laura and me while we watched us some Super Bowl football," said President Bush. "I've been meaning to tell him in person that I used to go to my room at the White House and play Madden 2002 whenever Cheney or my dad would get on my case about the war and tax cuts."

President Bush spent the duration of the game talking total nonsense with John Madden as they sat together in the same luxury suite at Cowboys Stadium. Topics covered included women falling down at casinos, nacho toppings that are really exciting to order at TGI Fridays, and figuring out why the Dallas Cowboys were not playing in a football game at their home stadium.

"I told John that I think someone has been messing with Texas. The Cowboys should be playing football in their stadium. Anyways, I rooted for the Green Bay Package guys to beat the Pittsburgh Robbers tonight."

Packers and Steelers Fans 78% Less Productive During Last Two Weeks

PITTSBURGH, PA - (The Comedy News) - The two weeks between the NFL Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl have led to a 40% decrease in productivity for football fans with desk jobs. For fans of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers, the two Super Bowl contenders, productivity has decreased by 78%.

“I neglect my work typically for 25% of the day,” says PNC Bank employee Louis Landerski of Pittsburgh. “I work an eight hour day, and two hours of screwing off on the internet is my limit. But for the past two weeks, I’ve been watching Steelers highlights on ESPN.com and writing ‘Packers Stink’ and ‘Clay is for artists, not football players’ on message boards. I don’t really care that I have gotten basically like no work done at all. It’s the Super Bowl, who cares!”

One Packers fan, Donnie D’Amico of Queens, New York claims to have gotten no billable work done at all in the past nine business days. D’Amico, an analyst on Wall-Street, has been obsessed with checking Super Bowl ticket prices on StubHub.

“I keep thinking maybe, just maybe a $100 ticket will show up. I can’t afford the $2,000 that it would cost me to see the game, but I’m hopeful something cheap will pop up as the game gets closer. I’ve been putting an American Airlines flight to Dallas on hold each day in case I find that cheap game ticket,” explained D’Amico, a Packers fan for 28 years.

Both Packers fans and Steelers fans have spent a significant amount of time thinking of clever status messages to post on Facebook and Twitter to express their excitement for the game. Other popular topics have included ridiculing the other team’s city, and links to tearjerker rags-to-riches stories about players on the Packers and Steelers.

Some offices have been encouraging their employees to mix work with their football fandom. One firm in Manhattan will attempt to break up the monotony of suits and dresses by mandating ‘Football Jersey Fridays’---where the employees wear the jersey of their favorite NFL team. An anonymous Operations VP explained, “We can’t just fire everyone that spends all day on the Google and placing Vegas bets on the game. We’ve come to embrace it. As long as no one shows up in a Dallas Cowboys jersey. In that case, they’ll be fired.”

Pauly Shore Celebrates 43rd Birthday at Local 7-Eleven

ENCINO, CA (The Comedy News) - Actor and comedian Pauly Shore celebrated his 43rd birthday on Tuesday by throwing an all-day party with random patrons at a 7-Eleven Convenience Store in Encino, California.

The day kicked off at 6:57 AM with Shore pounding on the glass doors of the convenient store urging them to open for business a few minutes early. Upon entering the 7-Eleven, Shore immediately rejoiced, hugged the bewildered store manager, and announced that it was his 43rd birthday. For the remainder of the day, Shore would purchase Fritos, hot dogs, hot pockets, and Slurpees for random customers.

"Hey. Hey. Hey! Ya know what today is, my friend? Today is my 43rd birthday!" Announced Shore approximately 293 times throughout the day, according to store manager Yusuf D'Al Pinto. "Welcome to my party, feel free to grab a drink and some nosh, it's all on me," Shore would tell 7-Eleven customers.

Many have speculated that Shore celebrated his birthday with random shoppers at 7-Eleven because he has run out of friends that can tolerate his aloof ramblings and hyper-SoCal dialect. He was intent on celebrating his birthday and knew there would be plenty of potential co-revelers at the local 7-Eleven.

Shore has been known for indulging in 7-Eleven cuisine both on and off the big screen. In his most notable role as an actor ---as the ultra-chill surfer dude hipster sidekick of Sean Astin in Encino Man--- Shore's most famous scene was where he put his mouth up to the Slurpee dispenser and proceeded to ingest the frozen fruit drink into his mouth. He would then defend it to the store clerk by saying, "I'm just weezin the ju'uce."

By 11:00 PM when the 7-Eleven was closing for the evening, Shore had racked up a tab of $38,345.93. The tab consisted mostly of Mountain Dew and TGI Fridays boxed poppers at the end of the day. One patron caught onto Shore's generosity and birthday delusion and asked if he could buy the store out of all condoms and AA batteries. Shore kindly obliged.

"Get this man some dick grip, and all of the Ahh Ahh batteries! Man, I'm so glad you could come out for my birthday," Shore told the greedy customer/birthday guest. "I see you have a Veteran of Foreign Wars hat. You know I was in the Army once."

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Obama Wears Piano Tie for 2011 State of the Union Address

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Urlacher: "I Should Have Played QB In The NFC Championship"

Brian Urlacher tries to throw a pass for the Chicago Bears

CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Following the Chicago Bears' 21-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game, Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher suggested that he should have played quarterback for most of the game.

"I'm definitely better than Jay [Cutler] is," proclaimed Urlacher. "I'm huge, bald, scary, and I can read defense. I'm older too. Five whole years older. That alone makes me a better quarterback than Cutler," argued the 7-time pro-bowler.

The Bears' starting quarterback, Jay Cutler, left the NFC Championship game with an MCL sprain to his knee. His resilience of mind and ability to resist showing any signs of pain have lead many of his fans to believe that Cutler faked the injury to get out of being liable for the inevitable Bears loss. As a result, the Bears were forced to play their second and third-string quarterbacks, Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie, for the remainder of the game.

The Bears' backup quarterbacks' lack of physical strength and knowledge of the game of football has lead their team mate, Urlacher to believe that he would have led the Bears to victory had he played quarterback in place of Cutler.

"If [head coach] Lovie [Smith] put me in, first play, I would have done a flea-flicker---run fake and than bam, boom, bomb. Boohyah touchdown pass to Devin Hester. I would have also insisted that I kick the ensuing onside-kick. I've never done a kickoff before, but I have a lot of beginners luck," boasted Urlacher.

Although Urlacher is not expected to play quarterback anytime soon, he will be a starting linebacker for the NFC in the Pro Bowl All-Star game this coming Sunday in Hawaii. During the 9-hour flight from O'Hare Airport to Honolulu, Urlacher plans on listening to his favorite songs from the Rudy soundtrack and some Metallica as he imagines what it would have been like to play quarterback for the Bears in the most important game they will ever lose.

Bears and Packers Fans Figure Out How They Can Help Their Team Win

CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Most people know that as a fan, there is not much they can to to affect the outcome of a sporting event from the stands. In most instances, fans have run onto the playing field or scream at the top of their lungs during a key point of the game to make a difference. For the upcoming Bears-Packers NFC Championship game this Sunday, fans of both sides are thinking of ways to ensure a victory for their team.

Bears Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Pretend that everything with cheese on it is just a part of another obscure Gino’s East of Chicago Pizza.

2) Putting a Bears hat, mustache, and beer gut on the Michael Jordan statue outside the United Center.

3) Convince Brett Favre to sign a one-game contract with the Bears.

4) Start calling head coach Lovie Smith by his real first name, Lovable, just to fire him up.

5) Sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in the stands between the third and fourth quarters.

Packers Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Start a donation fund to help Packers team buses pay for the $10,000+ in tolls on the Eisenhower Expressway.

2) Put a Cheesehead, big dirty beard, and beer gut on the Fonzie statue in downtown Milwaukee.

3) Get an estimate from Rod Blagojevich as to how much it would cost in cash and iTunes gift cards to have the Bears throw the game to the Packers.

4) Bring extra bottles of Miller High Llife for the Packers’ sideline, because John Kuhn runs swifter when he’s had a few cold ones.

5) Have Lavergne and Shirley beat the crap out of Balki and Larry in a pregame 2-on-2 ultimate fighting match to fire-up the Packers.

"Ferris Bueller Museum Should Open in 2011," Dreams Two Fans

HIGHLAND PARK, IL - (The Comedy News) Two huge fans of John Hughes' teen classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off spent an afternoon discussing how awesome it would be to start a Ferris Bueller Museum.

Jonathan and Jacob Rabin, 21 and 25 respectively, considered using their parents' money to purchase the house that was used as Cameron Frye's home in 1986 film. The $1.63 million dollar house on 370 Beach Street in Highland Park, Illinois would be the site of making their dream a reality.

The 58-year-old home, officially known as the "Ben Rose Home", would be stripped of its four bedrooms and 4 bathrooms converted into the Ferris Bueller Museum. It has been on the selling blocks for over a year now.

Attractions that would be included are the various outfits that Ferris wore throughout the film, a wax model of Matthew Broderick in a towel and wearing a towel wrapped on his head, and the #9 Detroit Red Wings Gordie Howe jersey Allan Ruck wore for the duration of the film.

Also included in the museum's collection would be the blue, torn, bloody and muddy suit that was worn by Jeffrey Jones' character, the bumbling Principal Edward Rooney. It is very likely that the original Ferrari that crashed through the glass garage at the end of the film (spoiler alert) is missing. However, two replicas can be built --- one Ferrari in the garage, and the other in the impact area of the ravine that it fell into.

There could also be interactive activities for children such as a 'Freak Out Like Cameron' video booth, and a 'Shake It Up Baby' and 'Danke Schoen' karaoke and parade set. The would-be founders also thought of a suggestion wall for what people think happened to Abe Froman's party when they arrived Restaurante Chez Luis--- after Ferris and friends conspired to take his reservation.

"The museum would be just like Cameron's house was in the film. Very cold and very beautiful. And you won't be allowed to touch anything," Jonathan Rabin wishfully dreamed.

The museum would open on the 25th anniversary of the film's release-- June 11th, 2011 with Matthew Broderick, his wife Sarah Jessica Parker Broderick, Allen Ruck, Ben Stein, and Mia Sara in attendance. The museum's founders would encourage high school students to skip a day of school to enjoy the Ferris Bueller Museum. There would also be coupons available for students who skip school to go to the museum nine times or more.

-High Kneesniffer

"NFL Sit 360" Encourages Fans To Just Sit And Watch Football For 6 Hours A Week

"360 Minutes of Sitting, Eating, and Just Watching TV." 

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - The National Football League is encouraging football fans of all ages to participate in its "NFL Sit 360" program by watching at least 360 minutes of football per week.

"Six hours per week. That's two full football games. That's all it will take for adults to be the lazy, unmotivated, out-of-shape fan we need them to be," an NFL spokesman told reporters. "We at the NFL believe it's important for our fans to commit a full 360 minutes to watching the beautiful game. Join "NFL Sit 360!"

Contrary to this, the NFL made headlines in 2010 by instituting "NFL Play 60", encouraging children to take part in sixty minutes of physical activity per day to combat childhood obesity. For many children, the "Play 60" program led to 420 minutes per week of physical activity which undoubtedly helped keep many children at an optimal weight.

There was a major problem for the NFL with their "Play 60" program. The 420 minute per week mandate that NFL "Play 60" advocated led to a 40% decrease in TV viewership and attendance for NFL football games. This was presumably because parents were driving and supervising their children during their activities, and children were developing interests that did not include sitting and watching NFL football games. From there, the NFL developed their "Sit 360" program.

The TV Commercial Transcribed reads:

"NFL 'Sit 360' wants you to take 360 minutes per week and set it aside. You can sit, lay down, eat, drink, and even surf the internet while you earn your minutes for NFL 'Sit 360'. We know you can do it. You don't even need to get out of bed. We need you do this. Really, we NEED you to. NFL Sit 360."

The primary spokesmen for the NFL "Sit 360" program are former Packers nose tackle Gilbert Brown, former Raider and Buccaneer Warren Sapp, and Super Bowl XX hero William "The Refrigerator" Perry of the Chicago Bears.

John Boehner's Acting Career

House Speaker Played Warden in 'Shawshank Redemption'

WEST CHESTER, OH - (The Comedy News) - In the midst of his third term as a member of Congress for Ohio, then Representative John Boehner took some time to pursue a little-known hobby of his: acting.

In the winter of 1994, Boehner was cast as Warden Samuel Norton of Shawshank Prison, a fictional prison in the state of Maine during the 1940s. There, he would act opposite renowned actors such as Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, and Clancy Brown.

"Making Shawshank was so much fun to do. We in Congress were pretty sure there would be a republican revolution in November, so I made sure that I could take some free time to try a side project," explained the House Speaker. "Stephen King, who wrote the original novella, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, called me on the car phone. Said, 'I want you, John. I want you to be Warden Norton in Shawshank.' I did the role, the flick was great, the rest is history. I also haven't worn thick-rimmed glasses since then. Not my best look!"

The highly acclaimed film was nominated for seven Academy Awards, but did not win a single one of them. The year 1994 did have several classics that Shawshank went up against, such as Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Speed, and Dumb and Dumber.

Speaker Boehner did not indicate that he intends to act anywhere in the near future other than the House of Representatives floor.

*****
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Weather Channel Still Having Capslock Issues

COBB COUNTY, GA - (The Comedy News) - The Weather Channel's capslock woes continue to plague their severe weather advisory notices.

Since 1982, the preeminent voice in weather-related news has been unable to issue severe weather disclaimers using lower-case letters.

"We take severe weather very seriously," explained a Weather Channel employee. "At first, we thought that having a capslock problem with our computers would make our written weather updates look grammatically incorrect."

With the advent of written conversation, capslock is now associated with yelling. The Weather Channel would now like to think that they are yelling all of their severe weather updates.

*****

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David Akers Forced By Team Mates To Dress As Scooby Doo, Wait For Vick

PHILADELPHIA, PA - (@TheComedyNews) - After missing two key field goal kicks in a playoff loss to the Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles placekicker David Akers was forced by his team mates to dress up in a Scooby Doo costume and "wait for a special message from Michael Vick".

It is believed that Eagles quarterback Michael Vick will be avenging the City of Brotherly Love's contempt for Akers' sub-par performance during Sunday's playoff loss. Akers was told to go to the team locker room, alone, and in a Scooby Doo costume. There, Akers will await the arrival Michael Vick with a 'special message'.

"Oh this is not good, not good, nuh uh," trembled Akers while clutching the beige dog tail. "If there's anything Michael doesn't like, it's dogs and playoff defeat. And now I just wreak of both."

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Nicholas Cage Celebrates Birthday With Explosions, Car Chase

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - (@The Comedy News) To celebrate his 47th birthday today, actor Nicholas Cage indulged in setting off an array of explosions and concluding the day with a car chase.

"I fell in love with explosions while making The Rock back in '96. The boom. The bam. The wow. A big fiery ball of incredible. I want lots of those for my big 4-7 birthday," explained Cage while defusing a rocket of VX nerve gas in his Beverly Hills garage. "Birthdays aren't any fun, are they? Join the Nicholas Cage party side! Blow some shit up, whattya say?" He excitedly grinned with his eyes wide open.

Last year on January 7, Cage celebrated his birthday by riding on a U.S. Marshalls plane carrying prisoners to the super-maximum prison in Florence, Colorado. He was disappointed when he learned that he could not set the prison transferees free for his own amusement. Cage's 44th birthday entailed a museum scavenger hunt from Washington, D.C. to Philadelphia, to New York. That party was cut short due to Cage getting arrested for attempting to steal various museum artifacts.

"Travolta and Connery are coming over later on, and we're gonna have a big ol' car chase down Santa Monica Boulevard to Venice. We're gonna wreck half of L.A.! We'll run stop lights and speed through school zones at about 3:00 PM. Connery's got a stolen Humvee, Travolta's gonna drive a police car, and I'll be in a yellow Ferrari."

After Connery leaves to get to bed early, Cage and Travolta are going to keep the birthday celebrations going by switching clothes, IDs, wives, kids, and faces and then leaving on plane to Las Vegas to drink themselves to death.