US News & World Report Releases Its Own Asinine College Football Poll

It is no surprise which teams are at the top of the new US News & World Report college football poll. The teams strewn throughout the top ten have their own arbitrary and bias-laden reasons to consider themselves the perennial contenders for the National Championship in college football:

1) Princeton Tigers - The top ranking football team for 141 straight seasons due to generously offering to host the first college football game ever.

2) Cal Tech Beavers - Drawing up plans for renovations to the Rose Bowl Stadium will keep the Beavers in top contention as long as the USC engineering department doesn't get the final contract.

3) Michigan Wolverines - The maize and blue are is consistently the only Midwestern college football team that the east coast will acknowledge.

4) Harvard Crimson - Now what would be a US News & World Report list without Harvard in the top 5?

5) Pennsylvania Quakers - The Quakers gridiron gang gets really fired up when you confuse them with Penn State.

6) Oxford Dark Blue - The top rugby club in all of Europe can definitely make a run at the National Championship if they can withstand the weekly jetlag and learn distance in "yards".

7) Iowa State Cyclones - Just kidding.

7) California Golden Bears - The team is like, so chill, man.

8) Yeshiva Maccabees - They are the only college football team to be undefeated on Saturdays. The coaching staff encrypt their playbook by writing right-to-left.

9) Notre Dame Fighting Irish - Does Harvard have an NBC contract? Does Conan O'Brien have an NBC contract? Notre Dame has an NBC contract.

10) Ole Miss Rebels - Between William Faulkner's Nobel Prize-winning literature and Michael Oher's story taking place here in The Blind Side, the Rebels are a academic-football-tearjerker powerhouse.

Never Receiving Votes:
Boise State Broncos, TCU Horned Frogs, Ohio State Buckeyes, Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn Tigers, LSU Tigers, Clemson Tigers, Appalachian State Mountaineers, Vanderbilt Commodores, Utah Utes, New York University Violets, Southern California Trojans, Columbia Lions, Cornell Big Red, Hawaii Warriors, Alaska Nanooks.

-By High Neesniffer

Sexual Assault On Bus Leads to William Madison's Expulsion

Hotel Heir Assaults Third-Grade Teacher On Bus
KNIBB, CA - (DoghouseDaily) - A third grader at Knibb Elementary School, William Madison, was arrested for sexually assaulting his teacher, Miss Veronica Vaughn, during a class field trip. While on a bus en route to Amish Acres Ranch and Stable, Billy (as his friends call him) reportedly walked up to Miss Vaughn on the bus to ask her a question. At that point, Billy feigned falling down and grabbed his teacher's breasts. Some students heard Billy audibly chastising the bus driver's driving, perhaps in an effort to mask his assault as a careless loss of balance.

Miss Vaughn reported the incident to the Knibb Elementary School principal Mr. Max Anderson. Principal Anderson, a former professional wrestler, turned the incident over to local law enforcement. He noted that Billy defended his assault of his teacher by saying that he was "double dared by a friend".

Billy is not new to the public spotlight. As the son of the Madison Hotels' chairman, Brian Madison, Billy is not likely to get any special treatment for the first time in his spoiled life. He will be charged with first-degree assault, will fail the third-grade, never "officially" graduate from school, and his father will be cutting him out of the Madison Hotels trust fund.

Billy has been rumored to be showing interest in becoming a football waterboy at a junior college in Louisiana.

NFL To Eliminate Hard Rock Music From Stadiums

Hard Rock Music Is The Cause Of Violent Helmet-to-Helmet Hits

BALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that the reason there have been many more violent helmet-to-helmet hits recently in the National Football League is because of the increasing amounts of hard rock music at stadiums.

"There is no question that hard rock and thrash metal music makes people really really energetic, pumped up, and fiercely aggressive. Since the wave of new football stadiums equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems have embraced heavy rock music, the number of violent and potentially life-threatening tackles has increased," an NFL official explained. "Once hard rock music stops blaring throughout NFL stadiums, the players will calm down and play the game safely."

The NFL is instructing all thirty-two NFL stadiums to hold "CD burnings" in their parking lots.

In Philadelphia, a 19-foot pile of CDs has already accumulated in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot and 25,000 tickets have been sold for Saturday night's burning session. Many of the common tracks that will no longer be heard at the stadiums include Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train", Kid Rock's "Bawitaba", AC/DC's "Hells Bells", Metallica's "Fuel", P.O.D.'s "Here Comes The Boom", and Disturbed's "Down With the Sickness".

"At the first Super Bowl, the Packers won to the sounds of the University of Michigan's marching band. That was it," noted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "All they needed for a little musical entertainment back then was a marching band. Then the 1990's unleashed a fury of angry smutty hard rock music. Then the dangerous helmet-to-helmet tackles started to multiply. So from now on, the hardest music that will be allowed in football stadiums will be Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger". Dun! Dun, dun dun!"

Study: Email Addresses Are Always Listed In Order of Importance

SAN JOSE, CA - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that when emails are sent to multiple recipients, the order in which names are listed in the "TO:" field corresponds to how important each recipient is to the sender. Listing email addresses from 'most important to least important' is the order of choice for 94% of email senders.

**Editor's note: email this article to some of your email contacts and see which recipients are most important to you. 

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook

Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Prince William of Wales Looks Forward To Life With A Last Name

"My 28 Years of Five First Names and a Prepositional Phrase Are Finally Over"

LONDON, UK - (@TheComedyNews) - A day after officially announcing his engagement to longtime girlfriend, Kate Middleton, Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales remarked that he is eagerly anticipating taking on a last name.

"Kate and I have been discussing my frustration with my grandiose name for quite some time now," said the groom-to-be, grinning and lightly tugging on Kate's pony tail. "We even found lost journals of past princes, kings, and other antiquated rulers of England who expressed profuse yet secret distaste for having a five-piece prepositional royal name. So to go along with our wedding, I will be dropping the 'Arthur Philip Louis of Wales' part, and will be replacing it with just 'Middleton'. Prince William Middleton. My 28 years of five first names and a prepositional phrase are finally over."

The father of the groom, Prince Charles had a more menacing suggestion in regards to his son's surname change.

"My eldest son has a last name, and it's Windsor. We Windsor's just prefer not to use our last name, and we're entitled to doing that, after all, we're royalty. But if Willy prefers mutiny, he should take out the 'Prince' from his name too," sneered Prince Charles. "'Cuz he sure-as-Shakespeare won't be welcome under the roof of my Windsor Castle with that...plebeian name---'Middleton'. Harrumph, I say."

Prince William also noted that the 'of Wales' part would have been too deceiving to the public --- particularly because he and Kate plan on moving to Los Angeles.

Wisconsin Basketball Team Scores First Touchdown In Indiana Blowout

Football Team Turns to Basketball Players For Backups

MADISON, WI - (DoghouseDaily) - As the Wisconsin Badgers football team led the Indiana Hoosiers 59-13 in the third quarter on Saturday, Coach Bret Bielema put players from the men's basketball team in to play out the rest of the game.

"We had exhausted our entire depth chart on the football squad. The third and fourth team guys were tired from scoring touchdown after touchdown all afternoon, so we had to get a little creative with our players," remarked Wisconsin football Coach Bret Bielema. "[Men's Basketball Coach] Bo Ryan's got some of the most versatile athletes ever on the Badgers' basketball team, they were all in the stadium, so I gave Bo the signal to suit-up the boys in helmets and pads."

Players from the men's basketball team were seen between the third and fourth quarters hustling to get into the football attire, obviously too small or too large for most of them. Senior forward, Jon Leuer took the snaps at quarterback, and looked quite comfortable in setting back to pass. Within only a few minutes, the six-foot ten-inch Leuer completed the first touchdown pass by a basketball player in NCAA history. Leuer's pass was caught by center J.P. Gavinski, who sprinted his six-foot eleven-inch tall body 64 yards for the touchdown as he towered over the crippled Indiana Hoosiers defensive backs.

Men's basketball coach Bo Ryan made his NCAA football coaching debut as offensive coordinator, when Paul Chryst handed him the playbook at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Coach Ryan, known for drawing up intricate last-second plays on the basketball court, was not new to calling plays on the football field---he was quarterback for the Chester High School Clippers football team in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

"On my basketball team, my players are taught to be prepared for everything, even fifth-string football. I firmly believe that three-pointers and free-throws are not the only points a Wisconsin Badgers basketball player should be focused on. He should know how to throw a perfect spiral, spot the placekicker, and run for quick first downs. The big thing I beat into my players' heads is that in football, if you score, it's worth up to six points at a time. And in this economy, we need all the numbers we can get."

Most fans were oblivious to the personnel changes on the football field since the substitutions took place while the 80,000-plus fans in Camp Randall Stadium were dancing to House of Pain's "Jump Around".

The NCAA declined to lead an investigation into Coach Bielema and Coach Ryan allowing basketball players to play in a regulation football game, citing that the antics in Madison this past weekend were "simply too awesome to punish."

George Steinbrenner Signs Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Cy Young to Softball League In Hell

OUTER REACHES OF HELL - (The Comedy News) - The former owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, has become the owner of the New Amsterdam Firepirates of the newly formed Major Hell Softball League.

Steinbrenner resumed his management habits as when he was mortal by signing the best of the best available talent to his team.

Players that Steinbrenner has signed to the Firepirates include Roberto Clemente (RF), “Shoeless” Joe Jackson (LF), Mickey Mantle (CF), Lou Gehrig (1B), Honus Wagner (SS), Babe Ruth (DH), Thurman Munson (C), Rogers Hornsby (2B), Eddie Matthews (3B), Cy Young (P), and coached by George "Machine Gun" Kelly. They are the current favorite to win the Netherworld Series in the upcoming season.

Players purposely left off the roster include Sandy Koufax, Hank Greenberg, Walter Johnson, Cal Ripkin, Jr., and Jackie Robinson---most likely due to their congeniality, being a Jew, or still being alive.

It is believed that all of Steinbrenner's players will have to abide by his rules such as keeping well-trimmed hair and abstaining from alcoholic and tobacco products. Satan himself, the commissioner of the Major Hell Softball League, was upset to hear that someone other then himself was instigating controlling vindictive commands at Hell residents. The commissioner threatened to punish Steinbrenner with a century of losing.

An expansion team will be debuting during the upcoming season as well, the East Berlin Lightning, owned by former Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott. Players on the Lightning that will be added to the roster in the near future include Yogi Berra, Pete Rose, John Rocker, Ty Cobb and Roger Clemons. It is believed these players will boost their roster with the apt amounts of crime, stupidity, and malevolence to make a run for the Netherworld Series.

Ferris Bueller Caught in Truancy Scandal

Truant Mr. Bueller

GLENCOE, IL - (@The Comedy News) - Popular teen Ferris Bueller, 17, was caught skipping school this week by the Shermer High School dean of students, Edward Rooney.

Bueller's truancy habits came under fire after Rooney discovered that Bueller had skipped school nine times in that semester alone. If convicted, Ferris is expected to have to repeat his senior year of high school.

"That snot-nose punk is finally mine," rasped Rooney, who is known throughout the halls of Shermer High School for his gruff demeanor and strict adherence for child discipline. 

The people close to Ferris Bueller have taken brash actions against him as well. His ex-girlfriend, Sloan Peterson, took the virginity of Bueller's best friend, Cameron Fry, and reportedly treats him well. Bueller recently coaxed Fry into letting him borrow his father, Morris Fry's 1963 Ferrari GT California without permission. After blaming the Ferrari incident on Bueller, Morris Fry bought Cameron his own Ferrari to drive Sloan Peterson around Chicago in while she completes her senior year at Shermer high.

"I only dated Ferris so I could get to his sexily introverted pal, Cameron," Sloan explained, while receiving a nauseating forehead kiss from Fry.  Sloan, 16, has been spotted dining with her new boyfriend Cameron at five-star restaurants around Chicago, including Chez Luis, and The Billy Goat. 

The parents of Bueller disciplined their truant son by taking away his only livelihood, the computer, until he completes his high school education.

Bueller's older sister, Jeannie, has been seen throwing public fits during her brother's truancy scandal. These fits of rage are most likely triggered by the amount of attention her brother is getting for disobeying both school and parental rules and lack of punishment for them, until now.  One such incident involved a rejected suggestion made by Jeannie Bueller while in the audience at the Second City Improv theater on Wells Street.  Jeannie suggestions repeatedly were, "This is stupid and you all suck".  It took two Chicago police officers armed with tasers to remove Jeannie Bueller from the theater. 

There are rumors in the Chicago area that Jeannie has been dating out-of-work actor Charlie Sheen ---very likely to cause additional shame to both Ferris and the entire Bueller family.

Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Millions of Conan Fans Scramble to Figure Out What Channel Is TBS

ATLANTA, GA - (DoghouseDaily) - On any given night, the bulk of TBS' viewership comes from people who are just channel surfing and happen to stumble upon some mediocre programming. Tonight, millions of excited Conan O'Brien fans will frantically scramble to figure out what channel on their cable box is TBS.

"We never really put much effort into advertising for our programming," a TBS insider noted, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "Here at TBS, our ratings come from that lonely bored everyman demographic who is probably sitting on a couch or futon, surfing the TV guide, and happens to see a show that is moderately interesting. When we approached the Conan show, we decided to try things differently, and advertise for a change. Only problem is, well, no one really memorizes the channel number for TBS."

The Conan viewers that are likely to have the least amount of trouble locating TBS on their cable box include Atlanta Braves fans, Shawshank Redemption enthusiasts, and longtime fans of the now defunct World Championship Wrestling Monday Nitro. Either way, the Conan premiere on TBS is expected to be the biggest planned TBS-watching night of all time.

Today In History - 55 Years Ago - New Kid Wearing Red Life-Vest Gains Popularity Quickly

NOVEMBER 5, 1955

A new kid named Calvin Klein unexpectedly moved to the southern California town of Hill Valley. Within only a few days, he was seen among localites such as crackpot Emmitt Brown, science-fiction geek George McFly, sheltered sweetheart Lorriane Bains, and school bully Biff Tannen. Klein was last seen playing the electric guitar with the house band at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" Dance held at the high school gymnasium a few days later. No one has seen or heard from him since.

From the Creators of The Comedy News!

Democrats Expected to Lose House, Senate & Presidency; Gain Supreme Court

Election 2010

(The Comedy News) - Only one day before the mid-term elections of 2010, Democrats are gearing up to pack up their desks, as most experts are predicting that they will lose control of the House, Senate, and Presidency.

After two years of complete control over Congress and the White House, Democrats have lost so much of the public's confidence that unprecedented electoral losses will ensue.

Even though President Obama is not up for re-election until 2012 (hence, 2010 being "mid-term" elections), ballot boxes nationwide are filling up with votes to replace the 44th President with a more conservative, vindictive, less articulate commander-in-chief.

It is not all losses for the Dems, however. Although the Dem losses in the House and Senate likely be fair and square, the constitutionality of voting out a President after two years by stuffing ballot boxes with snarky comments is coming under legal scrutiny. Because of this, Democrats are very likely to pick up seats in the Supreme Court.

Once again, since Supreme Court Justices are not directly appointed by the voters, the Dem's reclamation of a majority of liberal Justices on the Supreme Court via direct election will reinforce the complete and total political quagmire that will dictate American politics for the next 730 days.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

NY Yankees To Be Special Guest Umpires for World Series

A-Rod Umpire Jersey Becoming a Top Seller

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - (The Comedy News) - The New York Yankees won't be absent from the 2010 World Series after all.

Due to the low ratings from games one and two between the San Francisco Giants and Texas Rangers, Major League Baseball has been forced to change things up to make sure the World Series meets anticipated revenues. Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that the New York Yankees will be special guest umpires for games three and four of the World Series.

This groundbreaking impromptu move has sparked bitter jealousy by the Philadelphia Phillies players, who still have not been given an explanation as to why the American League Championship Series loser, the Yankees, got the special guest umpire invitation, and not the loser of the National League Championship Series, the Phillies.

Still, the Alex Rodriguez limited-edition umpire jersey is now the top-selling item at the MLB's online store. A-Rod's ump jersey is expected to be the must-have Christmas gift during the upcoming holiday shopping season.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook

Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Colbert-Stewart Rally Expected To Ruin Halloween Party Attendance Nationwide

WASHINGTON, DC -  (The Comedy News) - This weekend, the "Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear" hosted by comedians Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart is expected to cause a significant dip in attendance at college Halloween parties.

Typically, the Saturday of Halloween weekend is christened with hundreds of thousands of debaucherous costume parties, particularly at large college campuses such as the University of Wisconsin-Madison, University of California-Santa Barbara, and North Carolina State University.

A vast number of those who typically host and attend such Halloween festivities are abandoning makeup and jelloshots in favor of attending the big political rally in Washington, DC. The comedians, Colbert and Stewart, have been the premier voices in galvanizing young politically-minded voters.

The excitement surrounding their upcoming rally on the National Mall is already encroaching on Halloween parties. Costume stores have reported that the most popular outfits being sold at costume stores have been tiny political buttons and sarcastic trucker hats embroidered with slogans such as "Tea Parties Are About Sharing", and "Let's Keep the Change".

Last-minute efforts are being arranged via Facebook statuses to get college students to care less about politics, and support the sacred tradition of getting belligerently intoxicated and dressing up like film characters from the early 1990s.

Currently, the Facebook event "Rally to Restore Buffoonery" is scheduled to take place on Saturday, October 30 from 12:00 AM through October 31 at 3:00 AM at 'Whereverthehellyougotocollege, CA'. So far, there are 24 confirmed attendees, and 17.5 million invitees listed as 'awaiting reply'.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Favre Buys iPhone, Leaves NFL To Focus on His Texting Career

Need to Get a Crusty, Whining, Erratic, Narcissistic NFL Legend to Retire? There's An App For That

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN - (DoghouseDaily) - Following a last-second Sunday Night Football loss to his former team, the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre did what he has always done each week since joining the Minnesota Vikings: spend Monday morning window shopping at the Mall of America in Bloomington to "clear his mind". And by mid-Monday afternoon, Favre became the owner of a new iPhone 4, and decided that it was time to retire from football for good.

"Typically, I don't buy anything when I go Mall of America, except for five or six slices of Sbarro pizza. But after last night's loss in Green Bay, I just had this itch to play around in the Apple store. That's when I saw that awesome touch-screen phone," said the three-time National Football League Most Valuable Player. "I looked at the ESPN App, read the news about last night's loss. But most of the news was about my voicemails and texting with a New York Jets employee. That's when I knew it. Today's the right time to leave the NFL and focus exclusively on texting."

Clad in a Vikings hoodie sweatshirt and an Atlanta Falcons warm-up jacket, Favre reiterated that it is all too clear now that a career in texting and voicemailing various enticing individuals is far more lucrative and time-sensitive than being a football legend.

Favre's seventeen-year career has withstood thousands of vicious tackles, chronic thumb and ankle injuries, Super Bowl triumph, three devastating NFC Championship losses, an adulterous lifestyle, and a pain killer addiction. It is perfectly fitting that the sole entity in the universe with the power to get Favre to quit football is an iPhone.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is expected to make an announcement any day now that Favre has signed on to becoming the primary spokesman for Apple's next advertisement campaign for the iPhone. Various websites have leaked the anticipated voice-over for upcoming commercials: "There is nothing iPhone can't do. Need to get a crusty, whining, erratic, narcissistic NFL legend to retire? There's an App for that."

Anti-Washington Candidate Vows, "If Elected, I Won't Even Set Foot in DC"

FOX VALLEY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Congressional candidates aiming to unseat incumbents this fall all have a very common rallying cry: they all pledge to be "anti-Washington".

One Senate candidate, Ron Johnson (R-WI), has vowed that if he is elected, he will not even set foot in our nation's capitol.

"The problem with politicians is they all go to Washington to be a congressguy. Well when I'm elected, I am not going to DC at all. Heck, I'm not even going to consider picking up my telephone and talking to anyone in that swampy vortex of reality," Johnson declared while shaking his fist in the air.

Johnson then adjusted his tie and patted his hair down and continued, "I'm different than all of these same old, same old scumbags that we elect to represent us in Washington. I pledge to be different than any other congressguy in history. When I'm Senator Johnson , I won't ever, and I mean EVER set foot in DC. Golly, I won't even leave the confines of Wisconsin, just to prove it to ya."

Typically, politicians say that they are "anti-Washington" to show that they will not allow lobbyists to slither into their offices to skew lawmaking, they will resist the temptation to vote only with their party, and that they will pursue issues that will make a positive, helpful difference to the people of their home states. Most politicians say the same thing, but in much congenial language, for example: "I will never forget where I come from and who I work for".

A local editorial board had the opportunity to ask a series of questions of Johnson. The editorial board (EB) was curious about the rules of congress---particularly the whole "must be present to vote" rule --- and how those rules would impact his "anti-Washington" pledge, Johnson became increasingly infuriated:

EB: "In order to cast votes as an elected member of Congress, you must be present to vote. How do you plan on representing your constituents if you refuse to set foot in the U.S. Capitol, let alone Washington, DC?"

Johnson: "Well you must be from Washington...that's a Washington question."

EB: "So you plan on changing the rules? How can you change the rules if you won't even be there to introduce, debate, and vote for legislation to even legalize voting for bills from a remote location?"

Johnson: "You just don't get it. You're just another another pro-DC monster, aren'tcha?"

Running as an Republican candidate, Johnson is currently leading his Democrat opponents the polls by an average of 16%. He is expected to win in a landslide.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Republicans and Democrats Reach Compromise on Springsteen

Republicans Overwhelmingly Favor "Born in the USA", while Dems Rock out to "The Rising"

ASBURY PARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - When it comes to finding musical anthems for political campaigns, candidates have not looked much further than Bruce Springsteen.

Republicans and Democrats have reached a compromise on what Bruce Springsteen songs they will be repeating over and over throughout campaign season: republicans will begin and end their rallies to the sounds of "Born in the USA", while democrats will swoon with hope while bobbing to "The Rising".

Political scientist Dr. Edward Cooper from the University of Southern California was the lead arbitrator who officiated the negotiations between the democrats and GOP.

"The campaign song is vital to getting the voters to support you. And Springsteen's music is the perfect cocktail of generic, unoffensive, yet tritely inspiring sounds that provide just enough distraction from the critical issues," Dr. Cooper reported in a written statement. "Right after the candidates finish their bland speeches, there is little time to let voters think critically for themselves, so the music starts to play. And once Springsteen's music starts to infect them, another vote is very likely to be locked up."

"Born in the USA has been a favorite song of republicans for many years," says Republican strategist, Dorothy Zampowski who led the Springsteen Summit negotiations for the GOP. "That the lyric, 'Born in the USA, I'm a cool rocking daddy in the USA' has resonated very well for republicans in tight races. The words "cool", "rocking", and "daddy" are all by definition unrelated, especially amongst us pro-war guys."

Zampowski continued, "...but when them words are aligned together and paired with the hum-dum-dum of Springsteen's guitar, it really draws in any wavering GOP voters. Let's not forget that the main jewel of this song is the title---BORN in the USA---which evokes strong emotions about natural-born citizenship. The song is about being Born in the USA! And you know how much we republicans love our Presidents to be born in the USA."

Democrats' use of the song, The Rising, has come to symbolize the democrats' strategies in several ways.

"The ambiance. Man, the ambiance," reflects unemployed democratic strategist Ted Kankerton. [Singing] "Can't see nothin' in front of me, can't see nothin' coming up behind. It's all like, 'li li li li li li li'! Whatever politician can march out to the sounds of this! Man, they are the man."

Kankerton's inexplicable reasoning comes at a time when democrats can hardly articulate what concrete issues they stand for---besides just being socially progressive, holding hands, looking to the sky with wretched indecisiveness, and basically doing all things good and respectful onto others.

Simple tangible evidence, the kind that typically woos republicans, is also nowhere to be found in the lyrics to 'The Rising'.  One atheist, Marxist dem noted, "the best part about the lyrics is that they are much more creative, deeper, poetic, and meaningful, which has kept us democrats from being able to relate to the conservatives who only care about being 'born in the USA'".

Attempts to contact Bruce Springsteen directly were not immediately returned. However, his most recent Twitter entry may be indicating an independent run for political office: "Soul patches, red white and blue wall paper, secret gardens, and glorious days. A Different Kinda Jersey Guy. Vote for The Boss in 2016! "

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Law Professor to Teach Controversial "Honesty-Only" Policy

COLUMBIA, MO - (The Comedy News) - A local law professor is coming under intense scrutiny for planning to teach an "honesty-only" curriculum this fall. Professor Jeremy Bernard, a University of Missouri Law School professor, contends honesty has long been disparaged in the field of law. He has vowed to lecture "honesty-only" in his classes, regardless of the uproar of fury in the overprotective parents of law students.

"Legal professionals for centuries have been chided for lacking a sense of honesty," Professor Bernard declared. "Although they know that their success in the law field will be limited at best, my pupils will be the most honest lawyers the world has ever seen. "

Many figures in the legal world fear that if more professors begin to teach "honesty-only", it could be the end of obscure, irrational, and completely untrue-but-let's-go-with-it legal statements.

Several parents of law students have refused to allow their offspring to attend "honesty-only" law classes. Martha Baker, the mother of 28-year-old second-year law student Sharon Baker, expressed her disapproval Professor Bernard's curriculum.

"We don't want to expose our young lawyers-to-be to the sheer filth that honesty in law brings. 'Honesty-only' will undoubtedly lead to inept, idealistic mindsets by the people hired to be experts on the law," the furious mother shouted while picketing outside Mizzou's main law building. "My little girl Sharon will NOT be exposed to that demonic Professor Bernard's blatant honesty---and in a public school, no less. Hrmph."

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook

Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Bankrupt Detroit Relocates to Chicago

--BREAKING NEWS--

CHICAGO, IL - (@The Comedy News) - After over 300 years on the banks of what used to be known as the Detroit River, the entire city of Detroit has completely re-located to Chicago.

The big D, also known as The Motor City, has been staving off bankruptcy for several years now.  City officials, however, see a permanent move of the entire city to Chicago as a lasting economic catalyst.  

 

The Detroit emergency manager described the move.

"Honestly, there wasn't much left to move----some unused Little Caesars pizza boxes, an Eminem CD, a few Stanley Cup Trophies, a dilapidated but still-working Ford factory.  When you have almost nothing, you have nothing to lose, right?"

At the closing ceremony for Detroit's original location, Kid Rock sang a sad and ironic rendition of the song, "God Bless America".  

Currently, the Detroit evacuees are taking refuge at the mostly-vacant trophy room of the Chicago Bears at Soldier Field---until a permanent settlement can be arranged. 

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Underwear Industry Unleashes Negative Ads Against Doing Laundry

WINSTON-SALEM, NC - (DoghouseDaily) - In an effort to boost sales, three undergarment industry giants are continuing their media blitz to encourage potential customers to purchase more underwear, in lieu of washing their existing collection.

Hanesbrands, Victoria's Secret, and Fruit of the Loom, now known as Victoria Hanes Fruit Underwear, have consolidated their businesses in what could lead to enormous losses in revenue for the laundry detergent industry.

The dialogue of the most recent advertisement:

"Need a change of comfort down under, but out of clean undies? 
Why wait up to TWO HOURS to wash, dry, and fold recycled, faded, shrunken underwear? 

Why spend your money on heavy, stinky bottles of highly toxic laundry detergent? 

Do your body a favor, and shop for NEW underwear! 

[Jack Black & Winona Ryder appear in their skivvies, embracing] 

Victoria Hanes Fruit Underwear: It feels so nice, I won't wear it twice."

OxiClean heirs released a statement about their plan to unveil their own line of "self-washing underwear". The slogan is rumored to be 'Buy Just One, & Your Shopping Days are Done".

Representatives from Tide, Cheer, and Downy couldn't be reached for comment, but are reportedly continuing business as usual.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Fidel Castro Revealed to Be Robin Williams; CIA Triumphs in Long-Awaited Bay Of Pigs Rematch

HAVANA, CUBA - (The Comedy News) - The former leader of the República de Cuba, Fidel Castro, was revealed this week to be just a character played by Academy Award-winning actor, Robin Williams.

While most of the world has been under the impression that Castro is an 84-year-old former President of the Caribbean communist country of Cuba, the CIA disclosed today via Twitter that in the summer of 2002, a Bay of Pigs II invasion was covertly conducted, resulting in the overthrowing of Castro. In a new experimental means to a democratic end, the CIA hired veteran actor Robin Williams to portray Fidel Castro to taciturnly implement democratic processes into the Cuban government.

Speculation has grown about Williams' connection to Castro after a recent propaganda ad featured Castro proclaiming, "I'm a hip old Prez that likes to take a chance, have political romance, salsa dance... And, sì! Sì! Sì! All rules come from me! Me! Me!"
*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Study: T-9 Users Get Defensive Around iPhone Users

BALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - A recent Johns Hopkins University study has concluded that 84% of T-9 mobile phones become defensive when confronted by an iPhone user.

The acronym T-9 stands for "Text on 9 keys". This keyboard style is considered a modest and primitive means of entering text onto a hand-held mobile telephone device.

In Washington, D.C., T-9 users were twice as likely to avoid sitting next to an iPhone user on the Metro Train in an attempt to avoid the sheer humiliation of being satisfied with an antiquated device of the past. Several nightclubs in Miami, New York, and Los Angeles have even forbidden any T-9 phones from their premises.

Anton Mendocino, owner of the hip new South Beach nightclub Marble, had concens. 

"T-9 folks have really become a problem here," lamented Mendocino. "Gangs armed with Razrs and LG flip phones have repeatedly fought with bouncers, assaulted waitresses, flooded the bathrooms. This one guy even managed to steal 6 iPhones from partiers with excessive force. He then proceeded to flush them down one of the men's room toilets. There was toilet water all over freakin' mahogany dance floor. The party kept going, no one really noticed except for our staff, but that's when I put my foot down. T-9 users need not come in here."

Apple iPhone users are not alone in instigating discomfort in T-9 users.

All T-9 users (99.7 % with a margin of error of +/-0.3) expressed that they felt inferior to all users of mobile devices with full QWERTY keyboards (including the BlackBerry, Droid, Samsung Cloud, LG Fuse, and even the FisherPrice DuckCluckNCall).

T-9 users were followed up with whether their perception of QWERTY keyboards changed when the input was a touch screen. However, no study participant could bear to admit any additional shame in their coveting, so no significant data could be analyzed to conclude what we all already know.

BP PATENTS PHRASE, "MAKING THIS RIGHT"

LONDON, UK - (The Comedy News) - British Petroleum has patented the phrase they have used to defend their negligent management of their Deepwater Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. "Making This Right" is now recognized as U.S. Patent 9,268,879, to be used as a primary talking point when laying out the steps to large-scale public relations damage control.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

28th Amendment Ratified; Wyclef Jean & Arnold Schwartzenegger to Vie for President in 2012

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Today marks a monumental change in American Government. The Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution, which was proposed by Senator Linda McMahon (R-CT), passed through the U.S. Senate and was approved by 3/4ths of the state legislatures. This latest alteration to the charter of freedom comes only two weeks after being introduced under a barrage of scrutiny by every xenophobe American from sea to shining sea.

The text of the Amendment reads:

All persons naturalized in a foreign nation are eligible for the office of the President and Vice President of the United States of America provided that said person renounces citizenship to foreign nations and is a citizen of the United States of America. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

The Twenty-Eighth Amendment has enabled politicians such as musician Wyclef Jean and actor/government hack Arnold Schwarzenegger to make bids for the Presidency in 2012. It is expected that Wyclef Jean will receive the Democratic nomination any day now with Late Night Talk Show host Conan O’Brien as the front runner for his running mate. The Governator bought the Republican nomination many months ago, and has already hinted that Senator Linda McMahon will be his partner in anticipated crime.

The two Presidential candidates will be the first individuals to appear on a Presidential ballot in America who are not natural-born citizens. Jean was born in 1969 in Croiz-des-Bouquets Haiti, while Schwartzenegger was born in 1947 in Thal, Austria. Their running mates, O'Brien and McMahon, join former Presidents Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama as nominees with much glisten and glamor, yet not a hint of political prowess or leadership experience.

In contrast to the 2008 election when there was approximately 61% voter-turnout, the Presidential election is expected to draw nearly 94% of eligible voters to the polls. The most energized of the of the first time voter demographics include die-hard professional wrestling fans and easy-going party animals.

In a related news story, former Vice President Richard Cheney suffered a fatal heart attack ten minutes after the Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the Constitution was ratified. His last words were, "Awww! F#%K THIS S%#T."

-By High Neesniffer

Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Perverted Man Confesses He Enjoys Being Sober

SEATTLE, WA - (The Comedy News) - After fearing ridicule from drunks for over 25 years, Adam Levanthal has finally come out of the closet out and declared that he hates alcohol consumption and could not be more proud of his sobriety.

"Every time people want to get together and enjoy themselves, they drink alcohol and shamelessly encourage their friends to do so as well. All the while, they have absolutely NO regard for those of us who were born with a natural scorn for intoxication."

The raw statistics about alcohol enthusiasm are as deceiving as the prime-time eye-candy commercials used to market it: approximately 298 million out of the 310 million Americans have not abused alcohol in the past year. The remaining 12 million lushes continue to ruin it for all of the closeted sober ones out there. Levanthal speculates that many of the 298 million are total pushovers and "closeted from being open about their enthusiasm for sobriety".

"The hardest part about this is telling my Dad that I am sober and have been this way my entire life. It's so hard to look him and my community in the eyes and tell that that I can't pretend to be the drunk that he and society expect me to be," Levanthal lamented. "And the drunks always seem to rush defend their soberphobia. The one defense I hate this most is the Ben Franklin quote, 'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy'. Really? That Ivy League long-haired womanizing douche said that? What does he know anyways? Dude would get wasted and fly kites in storms. Sheesh."

Levanthal has plans of moving to South Mercer Island, the up-and-coming sober community in town. He will also be celebrating his upcoming 26th birthday at the same place he had his coming out party--- at Seattle's new sober bar, Nothing On The Rocks.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

Coach Joe Paterno Refuses to Comment About Acting Career

STATE COLLEGE, PA - (@The Comedy News) - On the eve of his 45th season as head coach of the Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions football team, Coach Joe Paterno is keeping his focus on the gridiron. Much to the dismay of national media outlets, Joe Paterno has refused to comment about his role in Academy Award-nominated film Up.

Up follows the journey of Carl Fredricksen (Paterno), an 80-year-old widower on a balloon-powered journey to a baron dreamland called Paradise Falls.

Paterno scoffed at any attempt to get feedback about production, his absence from the Oscar ceremony, and basically any indication from the 83-year-old college football legend that he was indeed a part of the film.

There have also been reports that National Football League Hall of Famer and Penn State alumnus, Franco Harris, brought his granddaughter Tawney to Beaver Stadium recently to get some comments from his former football coach about his recent film role.

"He yelled at me!" Exclaimed 5-year-old Tawney Harris. "I told him that I loved Up and cried in the beginning. He said, 'I'll tell you something about Up, little girl. How about, SHUT THE #$%& UP! You too, Frank. UP YOURS.'"

Penn State athletic department insiders have speculated that Paterno had red shirt freshman place-kicker Elias Noland use nefarious means to delete Up from Paterno's page on the Internet Movie Database.

"Coach wants us to be completely distraction-free. We're out there competing for the National Championship every day, and there is no distraction too small to expunge from the minds of my football team mates," noted the computer science major from Bedford, Ohio.

Noland has had a history of going to extreme lengths to brown-nose his way into Paterno's favor. Noland's Twitter statuses have included "Washing, washing, washing Coach Paterno's back. La dah dah dah dah, la dah dah dah dah, gonna be a football player today!" Most recently, Noland tweeted publicly about his study habits: "I acn gertt goosd gtra3des. iiii haaacked hte shcholarshiship ocmputers G..P.A, plaay footballWE ARE PENNNNNNstdfjte."

************************************************

Want your sports news to be ruthlessly funny?  Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook!

Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

KE$HA FORGETS HER AUTO-TUNE IN TAXICAB; CAREER CANCELED

LOS ANGELES, CA - (The Comedy News) - Following a taxicab ride to the Staples Center for her sold-out concert, singer Kesha (Ke$ha) realized that she accidentally left her Antares Inc. Audio Technologies auto-tune device in her city taxicab. Fearing massive public backlash for allowing a Ke$ha concert to feature her authentic singing voice, the music industry opted instead to cancel her career entirely.

The Auto-Tune device is designed to correct the pitch of voices of talentless vocal "artists" whose shallow careers are based primarily on image.

After the fans had all exited the arena, Ke$ha was found alone in a Staples Center dressing room, wiping profuse tears into discarded L.A. Clippers towels. “The auto-tune has always been the real star," she snapped. "I'm manufactured. Beautiful like J-Woww, yet a one-dimensional sham. The press are going to start to call me $hamWoww.”

RCA Records has shattered all plans to make a follow-up album to $hamWoww's debut album, "Animal". The Federal Communications Commission and the Recording Industry Association of America hastily made certain that there are stringent laws on the books to prohibit $hamWoww from performing live or attempting to be creative in the continental United States.

Lou Diamond Stunner, the taxicab driver who drove off into the night with the career life-line device of the artist formerly known as Ke$ha, was given the key to the city by Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Plans for a bronze statue of Stunner are underway.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter

FAVRE TO RETURN TO HIGH SCHOOL TEAM FOR UPCOMING SEASON

KILN, MS - (The Comedy News) - Capping off a third straight off-season of coy indecisiveness, Brett Favre announced on Sunday that he will be re-joining the Hancock North Central High School Hawks for the 2010 football season.

Despite being 22-24 years older than most of his team mates, the three-time NFL MVP remarked, "I truly think this will be the most talented team I have ever played on. The maturity, respect, and lack of salary-cap issues with the Hancock squad really will make this an extraordinary experience. Just like me, the Hawks boys just want to play football, drink beer on week nights, and ultimately win that ever-elusive championship."

Favre also noted that he has fired his media-hungry agent, Bus Cook. Taking over the managing duties for Favre's return to high school will be his longtime friend and former Green Bay Packers tight end, Mark Chmura.

*****
Subscribe to TheComedyNews.com on Facebook
Follow TheComedyNews.com on Twitter