Bomb-Sniffing Dog Indicted For Corruption Scandal

German Shepherd Caused Dozens of Wrongful Arrests In Food-Stealing Scheme

CHICAGO, IL – (The Comedy News) – A Chicago Police Department bomb-sniffing dog  will stand trial this week for intentionally accusing innocent commuters of carrying malicious explosives.  

Kermit, the 3-year-old German Shepherd originally from Oak Park, is being accused of alerting authorities of suspicious bags containing explosives, when in reality, all Kermit had been looking for was food. 

“We have reason to believe that the defendant, the K-9 Kermit, barked ferociously, jumped and nipped at the bags of innocent people walking on the sidewalks of Chicago under the guise that there were harmful explosives inside,” said District Attorney Jerry Camper.   “The record will show that not only did the arrested individuals have nothing harmful in their bags, but any food items they had were devoured by Officer Kermit.”

The scandal broke when a complaint was filed with the head of the K-9 Unit by one of Kermit  deputies, Haley, a 2-year old border collie.   Haley did not explicitly say any wrongdoing by Kermit, but definitely brought attention to Kermit’s enthusiasm when nothing was found in suspicious bags except for food—typically cookies, bread, and dishes with chicken or beef.  

As Kermit became more and more aggressive with the K-9 officers when the bags (with no explosives) were being handed back to the commuters, Haley would whimper and cry.   Her sulking eventually paid off with Kermit being indicted in a Chicago court---after 17 wrongful arrests. 

The maximum sentence that Kermit faces is seven nights in the kennel crate, belly-rub probation for one month, and mandatory court-ordered counseling services facilitated by dogwhisperer Cesar Millan.  

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Packers Update: AJ Hawk Gets Greedy In New Contract

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Green Bay Packers inside linebacker, AJ Hawk, was re-signed to a four-year deal with the reigning Super Bowl Champions. 

In addition to the $6-7 million he will make each year, there are several things Hawk required to be guaranteed in his contract before he would commit:

◊ A Shamwow, Magic Bullet, SlapChop, and George Foreman grill

 ◊ The pacecar for the 2011 Indianapolis 500.

◊ $5000-per-month stipend to shop at Target.

◊ Jim Carrey's car in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

◊ Above-ground pool for his childhood mobile home in Ohio.

◊ The Isle of Man.
◊ Squeeze bottle of Famous Dave's barbecue sauce.

◊ Night on the town with Brady Quinn's sister.

◊ Brett Favre's old number.

◊ Monthly appointments to go mallard hunting with former Vice-President Dick Cheney.


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Wisconsin Teacher Caught Spending Wastefully at Walgreens

FOX POINT, WI – (The Comedy News) – A public school teacher from Milwaukee, Wisconsin was caught wastefully spending at a local Walgreens store by an outraged eyewitness.
 

The teacher has been identified as Mr. Mark Spranderson, a 33-year-old fifth grade history teacher at Ellsworth Middle School. Onlookers were shocked to see that Spranderson was spotted buying items not only out of necessity, but some even for leisure.

“I am mortified,” lamented Michelle Nilap, a stay-at-home mother of Brookfield who is married to a local real estate developer. Nilap was the shopper who first reported the local school teacher's wasteful spending incident. "Who does Mr. Spranderson think he is? Wasting all of his money on Healthy Choice beef and potatoes, generic qtips, and---get this--- two whole sticks of Old Spice deodorant. He's a teacher, a public school teacher, he should not have time to use these things. Such a wasteful spender. Hrmph."

Outrage has spread recently about getting public school teachers to potentially take a pay cut to help offset the deficit of the state of Wisconsin's budget. Citizens such as Ms. Nilap have gone out of their way to blow the whistle on public school teachers who, in their opinion, are the cause of Wisconsin's financial woes."

"Cheap black dress socks? Oh come on," continued Nilap, who herself purchased a facial hair zapper that day. "Public school teachers should not be spending their salaries---which come straight from tax payers' pockets, like my husband---on cheap black dress socks. It's not like the teachers have enough money to go the elite parties and brunches that I go to anyways." 

In a somewhat unrelated incident, after the interview at Walgreens, Nilap discovered that her Range Rover had been towed because it was parked in a handicap parking space. Nilap theorizes that it was Mr. Spranderson who reported her illegally-parked vehicle.

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"Home Alone" Still Tops List of Highest Grossing Films With No Use of Special Effects or Animation

For many years, the top grossing films of all-time have included almost exclusively films loaded with special effects and animation. Forgotten in this mix are the films that generated audiences without the use of anything beyond a camera and a little bit of lighting.

Avatar? Harry Potter? Titanic? Star Wars? They may be some of the most revered and financially successful films of all-time. They lead in box office results, total budget, and imagination. But beyond all of the cool visual effects, a very peculiar list of films emerges:


Top Ten Films Of All Time That Did Not Use Special Effects or Animation

1) Home Alone $285,761,243 (1990)

2) Meet the Fockers $279,261,160 (2004)

3) The Hangover $277,322,503 (2009)

4) The Blind Side $255,959,475 (2009)

5) My Big Fat Greek Wedding $241,438,208 (2002)

6) Mrs. Doubtfire $219,195,243 (1993)

7) Wedding Crashers $209,255,921 (2005)

8) Grease $188,389,888 (1978)

9) Dances with Wolves $184,208,848 (1990)

10) Liar Liar $181,410,615 (1997)


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(Source: BoxOfficeMojo.com)

Scott Walker Officially Ends Super Bowl XLV High For Wisconsin

New Governor Puts An End To Jubilation, Jobs

MADISON, WI – (@TheComedyNews) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker decided this week that now is the time to officially put an end to all Super Bowl XLV celebrations.

"There are over five-million overly jubilant Packers fans in the great state of Wisconsin, and my cabinet believes that the time is now that all five-million of us stop celebrating the Green Bay Packers' championship glory and focus on trimming the ailing budget," declared Governor Walker, while drinking a Budweiser. "What good is a Super Bowl for your home state team when no one wants to sacrifice a little bit of fun to make it look like their Johnny-come-lately first-term governor can balance the state's checkbook. Stop being so greedy and let's slash some funding!"

Governor Walker this week has led a charge to eliminate collective bargaining for unionized state workers. This will almost certainly lead to lower funding and lost jobs at many public schools throughout Wisconsin. Walker also is issuing an executive order to officially end any additional celebration of the Green Bay Packers' Super Bowl victory last week because it is wasteful and, Walker thinks that personally, it's pathetic.

Governor Walker's additional proposed changes to quell the deficit:

•Privatizing Lake Michigan to increase the price of water at restaurants.

•Moving the Milwaukee Brewers back to Seattle.

•Selling all land north of Hayward to Minnesota and Canada for $0.05 per acre.

•Eliminating the Marquette interchange because a school doesn't need a whole freeway all to itself.

Walker continues to defend his proposals while emphasizing that he's just an ordinary citizen trying to do what's best. "Don't get me wrong, I am a Packers fan like the rest of all of you. But I'm a deficit hawk first. You're either with me or against me. God bless Wisconsin."

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Bob Woodward Ruins Carl Bernstein’s Surprise Party

WASHINGTON, DC – (The Comedy News) – A surprise party to celebrate the 67^th birthday of journalist Carl Bernstein was foiled by his long-time investigative journalism partner, Bob Woodward.

The surprise birthday party was organized by Bernstein’s wife, Christine, along with his children Alfred and Sylvia. Bernstein’s family had planned the event to be an extravagant surprise birthday party at the Washington Hilton Hotel on Valentine’s Day for their accomplished father.

The invitations instructed the over 300 guests to, “Come Celebrate the Big Six-Seven With Carl, But Don’t Tell Him, It’s a Surprise!!!”

One of the invitees, Bob Woodward took that invitation as an opportunity to be the whistle-blower on a potentially huge news story. He initially broke the news by creating a ‘breaking news’ email alert with the Washington Post.

However, Woodward used his journalistic integrity to conceal the identity of his sources for the tip that led to ruining the surprise birthday party. The code-names he used for his sources, which presumably are just Bernsteins’ family members who sent the invitations, were Money Shot, Philly Fakeout, and Angry Dragon.

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Dallas Cowboys Say Super Bowl Is Invalid Because of Botched National Anthem

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) - It didn't take long after the Super Bowl XLV confetti fell on the field at Cowboys Stadium for conspiracy theories to emerge surrounding the validity of the Green Bay Packers' victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Dallas Cowboys, the host team for this year's Super Bowl game, claim that the game was not even a valid game to be counted in the official record books. They argue that since Christina Aguilera did not properly sing The Star Spangled Banner at the beginning of the game, the game was in violation of NFL rules and should be voided altogether.

The incident that the Dallas Cowboys are citing is that Aguilera sang a few words in the United States' national anthem incorrectly. The lines in particular were sung, "what so proudly we watched at the twilight's last gleaming", instead of the correct lyrics, "o'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming."

"The NFL requires The Star Spangled Banner to be sung before every game. Today, it was not sung," a Dallas Cowboys conspiracy theorist alleges. "America deserves to be honored before every regulation game. There were different words we heard tonight. As a result, Super Bowl XLV's results are moot and the trophy must be awarded to the host team."

Immediately after the conspiracy theory was tweeted by an unnamed injured Cowboys quarterback, the Dallas Cowboys erupted in celebration of their perceived sixth Super Bowl trophy. The rest of the Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington metropolitan area celebrated in a fiery riot.  Fifty were injured, three are dead.

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Rand McNally Considers Adding Green Bay to Maps

GREEN BAY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Following the Green Bay Packers' first Super Bowl win of the new millennium, the largest producer of maps of the United States is considering adding the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin to all of their future maps.

"We at Rand McNally believe that the time has come to recognize Green Bay on all of our maps," commented a Rand McNally spokesman. "For many years, we thought that if we let Green Bay appear on our maps, that would set off a domino effect, and before you know it, we would have to add every total joker loony toon city to our maps like Omaha, Springfield, and Seattle."

The town of Green Bay, also known as "Titletown" has become known as a professional football mecca due to the town's ability to draw hundreds of thousands of tourists and football fans per year to celebrate the professional football team with the most NFL Championships---the Packers now have 13.

With a population of only 102,313, Green Bay is the smallest media market in professional sports. Despite these setbacks, the Packers have remained in Green Bay since 1921. Such an anomaly has caught the attention of Rand McNally, and is thus why Green Bay has now found its way onto a map for the first time.

The first Rand McNally map featuring Green Bay Wisconsin will be unveiled at Lambeau Field this Wednesday morning.  About 20,000 enthusiastic Green Bay residents---all claiming to be an owner of the Packers--- have already begun to stake out the best tailgating spots to get drunk and eat brats before the "Green Bay Is On The Map" ceremony.

George W. Bush Cheers the Green Bay Package Guys over the Pittsburgh Robbers

43rd President Talks Total Nonsense with John Madden for 3 Hours

ARLINGTON, TX - (The Comedy News) - Former President George W. Bush had quite an extravagant evening at Super Bowl XLV in suburban Dallas. The 43rd President had a double date on Sunday night with his wife, former First Lady Laura Bush, John Madden, and Madden's date, a plate of nachos.

"I was so excited to see that guy John Madden wanted to hang out with Laura and me while we watched us some Super Bowl football," said President Bush. "I've been meaning to tell him in person that I used to go to my room at the White House and play Madden 2002 whenever Cheney or my dad would get on my case about the war and tax cuts."

President Bush spent the duration of the game talking total nonsense with John Madden as they sat together in the same luxury suite at Cowboys Stadium. Topics covered included women falling down at casinos, nacho toppings that are really exciting to order at TGI Fridays, and figuring out why the Dallas Cowboys were not playing in a football game at their home stadium.

"I told John that I think someone has been messing with Texas. The Cowboys should be playing football in their stadium. Anyways, I rooted for the Green Bay Package guys to beat the Pittsburgh Robbers tonight."

Packers and Steelers Fans 78% Less Productive During Last Two Weeks

PITTSBURGH, PA - (The Comedy News) - The two weeks between the NFL Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl have led to a 40% decrease in productivity for football fans with desk jobs. For fans of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers, the two Super Bowl contenders, productivity has decreased by 78%.

“I neglect my work typically for 25% of the day,” says PNC Bank employee Louis Landerski of Pittsburgh. “I work an eight hour day, and two hours of screwing off on the internet is my limit. But for the past two weeks, I’ve been watching Steelers highlights on ESPN.com and writing ‘Packers Stink’ and ‘Clay is for artists, not football players’ on message boards. I don’t really care that I have gotten basically like no work done at all. It’s the Super Bowl, who cares!”

One Packers fan, Donnie D’Amico of Queens, New York claims to have gotten no billable work done at all in the past nine business days. D’Amico, an analyst on Wall-Street, has been obsessed with checking Super Bowl ticket prices on StubHub.

“I keep thinking maybe, just maybe a $100 ticket will show up. I can’t afford the $2,000 that it would cost me to see the game, but I’m hopeful something cheap will pop up as the game gets closer. I’ve been putting an American Airlines flight to Dallas on hold each day in case I find that cheap game ticket,” explained D’Amico, a Packers fan for 28 years.

Both Packers fans and Steelers fans have spent a significant amount of time thinking of clever status messages to post on Facebook and Twitter to express their excitement for the game. Other popular topics have included ridiculing the other team’s city, and links to tearjerker rags-to-riches stories about players on the Packers and Steelers.

Some offices have been encouraging their employees to mix work with their football fandom. One firm in Manhattan will attempt to break up the monotony of suits and dresses by mandating ‘Football Jersey Fridays’---where the employees wear the jersey of their favorite NFL team. An anonymous Operations VP explained, “We can’t just fire everyone that spends all day on the Google and placing Vegas bets on the game. We’ve come to embrace it. As long as no one shows up in a Dallas Cowboys jersey. In that case, they’ll be fired.”

Pauly Shore Celebrates 43rd Birthday at Local 7-Eleven

ENCINO, CA (The Comedy News) - Actor and comedian Pauly Shore celebrated his 43rd birthday on Tuesday by throwing an all-day party with random patrons at a 7-Eleven Convenience Store in Encino, California.

The day kicked off at 6:57 AM with Shore pounding on the glass doors of the convenient store urging them to open for business a few minutes early. Upon entering the 7-Eleven, Shore immediately rejoiced, hugged the bewildered store manager, and announced that it was his 43rd birthday. For the remainder of the day, Shore would purchase Fritos, hot dogs, hot pockets, and Slurpees for random customers.

"Hey. Hey. Hey! Ya know what today is, my friend? Today is my 43rd birthday!" Announced Shore approximately 293 times throughout the day, according to store manager Yusuf D'Al Pinto. "Welcome to my party, feel free to grab a drink and some nosh, it's all on me," Shore would tell 7-Eleven customers.

Many have speculated that Shore celebrated his birthday with random shoppers at 7-Eleven because he has run out of friends that can tolerate his aloof ramblings and hyper-SoCal dialect. He was intent on celebrating his birthday and knew there would be plenty of potential co-revelers at the local 7-Eleven.

Shore has been known for indulging in 7-Eleven cuisine both on and off the big screen. In his most notable role as an actor ---as the ultra-chill surfer dude hipster sidekick of Sean Astin in Encino Man--- Shore's most famous scene was where he put his mouth up to the Slurpee dispenser and proceeded to ingest the frozen fruit drink into his mouth. He would then defend it to the store clerk by saying, "I'm just weezin the ju'uce."

By 11:00 PM when the 7-Eleven was closing for the evening, Shore had racked up a tab of $38,345.93. The tab consisted mostly of Mountain Dew and TGI Fridays boxed poppers at the end of the day. One patron caught onto Shore's generosity and birthday delusion and asked if he could buy the store out of all condoms and AA batteries. Shore kindly obliged.

"Get this man some dick grip, and all of the Ahh Ahh batteries! Man, I'm so glad you could come out for my birthday," Shore told the greedy customer/birthday guest. "I see you have a Veteran of Foreign Wars hat. You know I was in the Army once."

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Obama Wears Piano Tie for 2011 State of the Union Address

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Urlacher: "I Should Have Played QB In The NFC Championship"

Brian Urlacher tries to throw a pass for the Chicago Bears

CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Following the Chicago Bears' 21-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game, Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher suggested that he should have played quarterback for most of the game.

"I'm definitely better than Jay [Cutler] is," proclaimed Urlacher. "I'm huge, bald, scary, and I can read defense. I'm older too. Five whole years older. That alone makes me a better quarterback than Cutler," argued the 7-time pro-bowler.

The Bears' starting quarterback, Jay Cutler, left the NFC Championship game with an MCL sprain to his knee. His resilience of mind and ability to resist showing any signs of pain have lead many of his fans to believe that Cutler faked the injury to get out of being liable for the inevitable Bears loss. As a result, the Bears were forced to play their second and third-string quarterbacks, Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie, for the remainder of the game.

The Bears' backup quarterbacks' lack of physical strength and knowledge of the game of football has lead their team mate, Urlacher to believe that he would have led the Bears to victory had he played quarterback in place of Cutler.

"If [head coach] Lovie [Smith] put me in, first play, I would have done a flea-flicker---run fake and than bam, boom, bomb. Boohyah touchdown pass to Devin Hester. I would have also insisted that I kick the ensuing onside-kick. I've never done a kickoff before, but I have a lot of beginners luck," boasted Urlacher.

Although Urlacher is not expected to play quarterback anytime soon, he will be a starting linebacker for the NFC in the Pro Bowl All-Star game this coming Sunday in Hawaii. During the 9-hour flight from O'Hare Airport to Honolulu, Urlacher plans on listening to his favorite songs from the Rudy soundtrack and some Metallica as he imagines what it would have been like to play quarterback for the Bears in the most important game they will ever lose.

Bears and Packers Fans Figure Out How They Can Help Their Team Win

CHICAGO, IL - (The Comedy News) - Most people know that as a fan, there is not much they can to to affect the outcome of a sporting event from the stands. In most instances, fans have run onto the playing field or scream at the top of their lungs during a key point of the game to make a difference. For the upcoming Bears-Packers NFC Championship game this Sunday, fans of both sides are thinking of ways to ensure a victory for their team.

Bears Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Pretend that everything with cheese on it is just a part of another obscure Gino’s East of Chicago Pizza.

2) Putting a Bears hat, mustache, and beer gut on the Michael Jordan statue outside the United Center.

3) Convince Brett Favre to sign a one-game contract with the Bears.

4) Start calling head coach Lovie Smith by his real first name, Lovable, just to fire him up.

5) Sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in the stands between the third and fourth quarters.

Packers Fans’ Keys to Victory:

1) Start a donation fund to help Packers team buses pay for the $10,000+ in tolls on the Eisenhower Expressway.

2) Put a Cheesehead, big dirty beard, and beer gut on the Fonzie statue in downtown Milwaukee.

3) Get an estimate from Rod Blagojevich as to how much it would cost in cash and iTunes gift cards to have the Bears throw the game to the Packers.

4) Bring extra bottles of Miller High Llife for the Packers’ sideline, because John Kuhn runs swifter when he’s had a few cold ones.

5) Have Lavergne and Shirley beat the crap out of Balki and Larry in a pregame 2-on-2 ultimate fighting match to fire-up the Packers.

"Ferris Bueller Museum Should Open in 2011," Dreams Two Fans

HIGHLAND PARK, IL - (The Comedy News) Two huge fans of John Hughes' teen classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off spent an afternoon discussing how awesome it would be to start a Ferris Bueller Museum.

Jonathan and Jacob Rabin, 21 and 25 respectively, considered using their parents' money to purchase the house that was used as Cameron Frye's home in 1986 film. The $1.63 million dollar house on 370 Beach Street in Highland Park, Illinois would be the site of making their dream a reality.

The 58-year-old home, officially known as the "Ben Rose Home", would be stripped of its four bedrooms and 4 bathrooms converted into the Ferris Bueller Museum. It has been on the selling blocks for over a year now.

Attractions that would be included are the various outfits that Ferris wore throughout the film, a wax model of Matthew Broderick in a towel and wearing a towel wrapped on his head, and the #9 Detroit Red Wings Gordie Howe jersey Allan Ruck wore for the duration of the film.

Also included in the museum's collection would be the blue, torn, bloody and muddy suit that was worn by Jeffrey Jones' character, the bumbling Principal Edward Rooney. It is very likely that the original Ferrari that crashed through the glass garage at the end of the film (spoiler alert) is missing. However, two replicas can be built --- one Ferrari in the garage, and the other in the impact area of the ravine that it fell into.

There could also be interactive activities for children such as a 'Freak Out Like Cameron' video booth, and a 'Shake It Up Baby' and 'Danke Schoen' karaoke and parade set. The would-be founders also thought of a suggestion wall for what people think happened to Abe Froman's party when they arrived Restaurante Chez Luis--- after Ferris and friends conspired to take his reservation.

"The museum would be just like Cameron's house was in the film. Very cold and very beautiful. And you won't be allowed to touch anything," Jonathan Rabin wishfully dreamed.

The museum would open on the 25th anniversary of the film's release-- June 11th, 2011 with Matthew Broderick, his wife Sarah Jessica Parker Broderick, Allen Ruck, Ben Stein, and Mia Sara in attendance. The museum's founders would encourage high school students to skip a day of school to enjoy the Ferris Bueller Museum. There would also be coupons available for students who skip school to go to the museum nine times or more.

-High Kneesniffer

"NFL Sit 360" Encourages Fans To Just Sit And Watch Football For 6 Hours A Week

"360 Minutes of Sitting, Eating, and Just Watching TV." 

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - The National Football League is encouraging football fans of all ages to participate in its "NFL Sit 360" program by watching at least 360 minutes of football per week.

"Six hours per week. That's two full football games. That's all it will take for adults to be the lazy, unmotivated, out-of-shape fan we need them to be," an NFL spokesman told reporters. "We at the NFL believe it's important for our fans to commit a full 360 minutes to watching the beautiful game. Join "NFL Sit 360!"

Contrary to this, the NFL made headlines in 2010 by instituting "NFL Play 60", encouraging children to take part in sixty minutes of physical activity per day to combat childhood obesity. For many children, the "Play 60" program led to 420 minutes per week of physical activity which undoubtedly helped keep many children at an optimal weight.

There was a major problem for the NFL with their "Play 60" program. The 420 minute per week mandate that NFL "Play 60" advocated led to a 40% decrease in TV viewership and attendance for NFL football games. This was presumably because parents were driving and supervising their children during their activities, and children were developing interests that did not include sitting and watching NFL football games. From there, the NFL developed their "Sit 360" program.

The TV Commercial Transcribed reads:

"NFL 'Sit 360' wants you to take 360 minutes per week and set it aside. You can sit, lay down, eat, drink, and even surf the internet while you earn your minutes for NFL 'Sit 360'. We know you can do it. You don't even need to get out of bed. We need you do this. Really, we NEED you to. NFL Sit 360."

The primary spokesmen for the NFL "Sit 360" program are former Packers nose tackle Gilbert Brown, former Raider and Buccaneer Warren Sapp, and Super Bowl XX hero William "The Refrigerator" Perry of the Chicago Bears.

John Boehner's Acting Career

House Speaker Played Warden in 'Shawshank Redemption'

WEST CHESTER, OH - (The Comedy News) - In the midst of his third term as a member of Congress for Ohio, then Representative John Boehner took some time to pursue a little-known hobby of his: acting.

In the winter of 1994, Boehner was cast as Warden Samuel Norton of Shawshank Prison, a fictional prison in the state of Maine during the 1940s. There, he would act opposite renowned actors such as Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, and Clancy Brown.

"Making Shawshank was so much fun to do. We in Congress were pretty sure there would be a republican revolution in November, so I made sure that I could take some free time to try a side project," explained the House Speaker. "Stephen King, who wrote the original novella, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, called me on the car phone. Said, 'I want you, John. I want you to be Warden Norton in Shawshank.' I did the role, the flick was great, the rest is history. I also haven't worn thick-rimmed glasses since then. Not my best look!"

The highly acclaimed film was nominated for seven Academy Awards, but did not win a single one of them. The year 1994 did have several classics that Shawshank went up against, such as Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Speed, and Dumb and Dumber.

Speaker Boehner did not indicate that he intends to act anywhere in the near future other than the House of Representatives floor.

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Weather Channel Still Having Capslock Issues

COBB COUNTY, GA - (The Comedy News) - The Weather Channel's capslock woes continue to plague their severe weather advisory notices.

Since 1982, the preeminent voice in weather-related news has been unable to issue severe weather disclaimers using lower-case letters.

"We take severe weather very seriously," explained a Weather Channel employee. "At first, we thought that having a capslock problem with our computers would make our written weather updates look grammatically incorrect."

With the advent of written conversation, capslock is now associated with yelling. The Weather Channel would now like to think that they are yelling all of their severe weather updates.

*****

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David Akers Forced By Team Mates To Dress As Scooby Doo, Wait For Vick

PHILADELPHIA, PA - (@TheComedyNews) - After missing two key field goal kicks in a playoff loss to the Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles placekicker David Akers was forced by his team mates to dress up in a Scooby Doo costume and "wait for a special message from Michael Vick".

It is believed that Eagles quarterback Michael Vick will be avenging the City of Brotherly Love's contempt for Akers' sub-par performance during Sunday's playoff loss. Akers was told to go to the team locker room, alone, and in a Scooby Doo costume. There, Akers will await the arrival Michael Vick with a 'special message'.

"Oh this is not good, not good, nuh uh," trembled Akers while clutching the beige dog tail. "If there's anything Michael doesn't like, it's dogs and playoff defeat. And now I just wreak of both."

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Nicholas Cage Celebrates Birthday With Explosions, Car Chase

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - (@The Comedy News) To celebrate his 47th birthday today, actor Nicholas Cage indulged in setting off an array of explosions and concluding the day with a car chase.

"I fell in love with explosions while making The Rock back in '96. The boom. The bam. The wow. A big fiery ball of incredible. I want lots of those for my big 4-7 birthday," explained Cage while defusing a rocket of VX nerve gas in his Beverly Hills garage. "Birthdays aren't any fun, are they? Join the Nicholas Cage party side! Blow some shit up, whattya say?" He excitedly grinned with his eyes wide open.

Last year on January 7, Cage celebrated his birthday by riding on a U.S. Marshalls plane carrying prisoners to the super-maximum prison in Florence, Colorado. He was disappointed when he learned that he could not set the prison transferees free for his own amusement. Cage's 44th birthday entailed a museum scavenger hunt from Washington, D.C. to Philadelphia, to New York. That party was cut short due to Cage getting arrested for attempting to steal various museum artifacts.

"Travolta and Connery are coming over later on, and we're gonna have a big ol' car chase down Santa Monica Boulevard to Venice. We're gonna wreck half of L.A.! We'll run stop lights and speed through school zones at about 3:00 PM. Connery's got a stolen Humvee, Travolta's gonna drive a police car, and I'll be in a yellow Ferrari."

After Connery leaves to get to bed early, Cage and Travolta are going to keep the birthday celebrations going by switching clothes, IDs, wives, kids, and faces and then leaving on plane to Las Vegas to drink themselves to death.

Los Angeles Bars Will Run Out of Beer on New Year’s Eve

LOS ANGELES, CA – (The Comedy News) – Due to the expected high turnout of Wisconsinites and Texans for the Rose Bowl this weekend, all the bars in the greater Los Angeles area anticipate completely running out of beer by 7:22 PM (PST) on December 31^st.

“The owners of the more than three-thousand bars, taverns, and clubs throughout Los Angeles are pretty nervous about what will happen on New Year's Eve when all of our beer taps run dry,” said Lyle Gonzales-Moore, spokesman for the Southern California Tavern Association.  

Vice President Biden Literally Breaks a Tie in Senate

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Vice President Joe Biden came to the U.S. Senate floor today to exude his only real Constitutional duty-- to break ties in the Senate. However, he chose to interpret his Constitutional duty as he had to literally take a necktie and break it into pieces.

When the Vice President arrived on the floor and silently grinned his trademark smile, he pulled out a brand new red and blue-striped necktie and proceeded to break it into pieces with his bare hands.

"Once that tie came out of his pocket, we knew exactly what ol' Joe was gonna do", a Senate Page reported. "We hear stories about how much of a goof he was when he was a Senator. And now, out of forty-seven Vice Presidents in U.S. history, Joe is the first that I know of to come to the floor and rip a tie to pieces---and then defend his behavior as his 'Constitutional duty'.

Article I, Section 3, Clause 4 of the United States Constitution states that “the Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided". There is no mention of neckties.

*****
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Will Smith To Run For Congress, Unsure of Which District

Fresh Prince May Run In Pennsylvania or California

BEL AIR, CA - (The Comedy News) - The Fresh Prince has decided to run for Congress in 2012. His biggest question now is where he claims permanent residence: Bel Air, California or West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?

"West Philadelphia was where I was born and raised," Smith recalled. "I can remember being with friends, relaxing, feeling good about myself. But I also remember there was trouble in that neighborhood, I was into fights, my mom being all scared all the time. That's when I sought refuge in southern California. But West Philly, man, if I could be their voice in Congress, I can really bring some positive changes."

Smith spends most of his time in his uncle's mansion in Bel Air, just north of Los Angeles. Although Smith does not see much that he would need accomplish as a Congressman representing Bel Air, he does think the idea of just being elected for the hell of it would be a "fresh" experience.

"I look at that kingdom, my throne in Bel Air. What is there to change? Nothing! It's pretty fresh. But being a Congressman would make living here a truly honorable, royal time."

So that begs the question, where to run for Congress? The Wild Wild West? Or West Philadelphia?

No clear indication has been made, but the Smith for Congress campaign has set up shops in both Bel Air and West Philadelphia. Smith has tapped longtime friend Jeffrey "Jazzy Jeff" Townes to be his campaign manager.

There have been advertisements appearing along both Sunset Boulevard in Bel Air and Locust Street in West Philadelphia recently. The two main slogans are, "Fresh Congressman. Big Willi Style", and "There's no need to argue, Congress just don't understand."

*****
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Congress Repeals Term-Limit Ban

Senate Votes 61-39 to Repeal "No Term Limits, No Progress" Law

WASHINGTON, DC (The Comedy News) - The US Senate has eliminated a 223-year-old law that forbids Congress from instituting term limits on itself.

The Once Is Enough Act of 2010 was passed 61-39 in the most topsy-turvy bipartisan vote since the declaration of war with Grenada. There were 44 democrats and 17 republicans that voted in favor of the bill that would repeal the law granting unlimited terms for elected members of the House and Senate.

"Today, we are not Republicans versus Democrats, rather we are honest statesmen versus egotistical elitists," exclaimed an anonymous Senator from Oklahoma.

The elimination of unlimited terms for Congress will result in significant changes to the political world. No longer will members of the House and Senate be plagued with the burden of re-election influencing their voting record. Instead, the insincere double-speak will now have an ending point: election day.

Not all members of Congress were thrilled about the repeal of "No Term Limits, No Progress". One Kentucky Senator expressed "profuse disappointment and shame over how apparently 61 members of Congress just don't care at all about their own future and career."

*****
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Packers Coaches Shocked To Learn An Injured Quarterback Can Be Benched

GREEN BAY, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following today's morning meeting at Lambeau Field, the Green Bay Packers' coaching staff were astonished to learn that if a starting quarterback is injured, he can be benched for the duration of an entire game.

This revelation began when the team doctor informed the Packers coaches that starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers is not likely to be recovered by this Sunday from his recent concussion.

Upon hearing the injury update on Rodgers, the Packers' coaching staff insisted that starting quarterbacks, no matter how injured, will always play and can never be benched.

When outside linebackers coach Kevin Greene pointed out that coaches can certainly bench an injured quarterback, head coach Mike McCarthy retorted, "no way, nuh uh. The Green Bay Packers do not bench starting quarterbacks under ANY circumstances. You hear me, Greene? Starting quarterbacks must start and play every single game. It's even written into the Green Bay Packers team handbook. Here, here's the bylaw: 'Starting qwarturbakz can dueu anything they want;, --/and they haveta start every single game, even if there enjerd'."

Greene patted McCarthy on the back to calm him down. At that point, Greene pointed out to the head coach that the egregious spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in the bylaw line about quarterbacks indicate that the bylaw was likely inserted into McCarthy's team handbook by none other than Brett Favre circa 2006.

This was likely the reason Brett Favre was able to break the record for consecutive games started by an NFL  quarterback, and keep it going through 2010. 

McCarthy decided at that point that backup quarterback Matt Flynn will be starting the Packers' next game against the Patriots on Sunday night.

 *****
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Morning Person Puts Everyone Else Down Again

TOPEKA, KS -  (@TheComedyNews) - Tuesday was just another day for Bridgette Victorfsky.

She woke up at 5:00 AM, did forty-five push ups and crunches, ran two miles with her dog Cecil, watered her lentil garden, and started preliminary work on her tax returns.

By time she was done with her routine, it was 7:00 AM and time to shower for her job as an analyst at the Monitor Group.

Before even stepping in the shower, Bridgette posted three separate Facebook statuses to alert her social networks of all of the things she accomplished before most of her friends were even awake.

05:25 AM: Cecil's all walked. He pooped twice! Good boy Cecil! Remember, tomorrow's our long run!

05:59 AM: I love watching my OWN food grow. You can't get lentils like this at your Harris Teeter!

06:56 AM: Who's got two thumbs and more of her tax returns done than everyone in America? This girl ;)

As evidenced from Bridgette's status messages, she intended to put down everyone reading them for not being as productive as her on that morning. Each word with each new status update was about herself, with two out of three directly comparing her accomplishments with those of the proverbial reader of her status.

Throughout the morning at the office, Bridgette continued her boasting of morning accomplishments to her colleagues. Even the doorman at the entrance to her office building was a victim of her belittling morning onslaught.

"No one here like her (sic)," lamented the doorman. "Sure it great that Miss Bridgette can do so much in the morning. But no one care! She tell me stories about this, about that. What do I care? Maybe with another hour and a half of sleep, she will stop putting us all down. Her dog Cecil is real jerk too."

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TCU Fans Read Up On Wisconsin

Badgers Should Prepare As Much As Horned Frogs Do For Rose Bowl

FORT WORTH, TX - (DoghouseDaily) - Texas Christian University Horned Frogs fans have done their homework in preparing to share the Rose Bowl Stadium with Wisconsin Badgers football fans on New Years Day.

Top Six Facts TCU Fans Should Know About Wisconsin

1). Wisconsin's mascot, Bucky, is lame because it is named after a dance called "The Bucky". Bucky also sounds like "Buckeye". Wisconsin must be Ohio State Buckeye wannabes.

2). Wisconsin's football stadium is at a place called "Camp Randall". Oh, the cute little Badgers go to camp to play with their friends. Oh so adorable. Don't forget to wear sunscreen and DEET.

3). At the Badgers' training facility, a sign reads, "The Road to Pasadena Starts Here". The only Pasadena they know about is 2,000 miles away in California. Texas has its own Pasadena, just south of Houston.

4). Former Vice-President Dick Cheney went to school at Wisconsin for a year. He knew Wisconsin would just hold him back, so he left school in cheeseland to become Vice-President with George W. Bush--who comes from Texas.

5). The average temperature on New Years Day in Madison is 9.3 Degrees Fahrenheit. There is no way those cheeseheaded Wisconsin fans survive the first half of the Rose Bowl without melting into Badger fondue.

6). The University of Wisconsin is constantly overshadowed by other schools in their Big Ten Conference like Michigan and Northwestern in academics and Michigan and Ohio State in football. Oh yea? There isn't anyone that overshadows TCU in our Mountain West Conference. We're #1! Go Frogs!


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Big Ten Changes Name to Fat Fourteen

University of Chicago and Lake Forest College to Return to Expanded, Renamed Big Ten

PARK RIDGE, IL - (@TheComedyNews) - The Big Ten Conference has expanded for one more time. What started with adding the Nebraska Cornhuskers to their conference in 2010 has resulted with the adding of two additional schools and a name change to the entire conference.

The University of Chicago Maroons, which left the Big Ten Conference in 1946, have returned to the esteemed conference following a 64-year absence. They bring national championship contention football back to the south side of Chicago, along with a natural rivalry with Northwestern University. The Maroons will play their football games at Comiskey Park --the current home to the Chicago White Sox baseball franchise.

The fourteenth addition to the conference formerly known as the "Big Ten" is the Lake Forest College Foresters.

About 115 years ago, officials from Lake Forest College attended the initial meeting of Midwestern universities that led to the creation of the Big Ten Conference. Their spot in the conference, however, was given to the University of Michigan. The Foresters intend avenge this in the form of a rivalry with the Wolverines. Lake Forest will play their football games between the playground and the tennis courts at Lake Forest Park, until a suitable stadium can be financed and built.

The name change from the Big 10 to the Fat 14 is expected to be well-received by all parties involved. "Fat Fourteen Conference" not only accurately reflects the number of teams in the conference, but also is based on the perception held by the East and West Coast television markets in regards to the waistlines of the residents of the Midwestern United States.

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Amos Alanzo Stagg Trophy Amos Alanzo Stagg Trophy 

Facebook Increases Likelihood of Accidental "Poke"

PALO ALTO, CA - (@TheComedyNews) - This week, the world's largest social network, Facebook, got a layout makeover. One of the more notable new features is a "Poke" button placed prominently in the upper right corner of the page.

"We at Facebook want to increase the likelihood of awkwardness by our users. In recent years, the 'Poke' has declined in popularity," one aloof Facebook employee stated. "But now, the Poke button is much bigger, and placed on our page much closer to useful buttons such as 'Profile' and 'Send Message'. There have already been thousands of reports of accidental Pokes by users snooping their friends' profiles."

Once the Poke button is clicked, a prompt pops up on the screen asking the user if they actually want to poke the other profile. Whether the poke is confirmed or not, there is an instant increase in nervousness in the misclicking user. Most of these users complain that if an accidental "Poke" is sent from them to a user who's profile they are snooping, they risk sharing actual, tangible feelings with their Facebook friends.

The official definition of a Facebook Poke is a feature that "can be used for a variety of things on Facebook. For instance, you can poke your friends to say hello. When you poke someone, they will receive a poke alert on their home page." Most Facebook users who utilize the Poke frequently note that they are poking for two main reasons: obnoxiously taunting, or passively courting.

LSAT To Offer Open-Note Exam; Still Just As Difficult

NEWTOWN, PA - (@The Comedy News) - In an effort to make standardized testing more deceptively difficult, the administrators of the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT) decided to make their examinations "open note" for the 2011 year.

The Law School Admissions Council (LSAC) cited that, "the existing examination procedures were coddling test takers too much."

For years, it was a well-known fact that having notes and cheat sheets would not improve LSAT scores at all. And because of that, the LSAC never saw allowing notes at the three-hour exam as yet another deceptive means of throwing off test takers just a little bit more. But by allowing prospective law students to have their own notes during the LSAT, many test takers will be duped into putting more time into preparing their notes rather than studying in the traditional way.

To add further insult to test takers, a new LSAT logo has been unveiled, featuring palm trees in a purple sunset haze. It is expected that this logo will have a calming effect on test takers who would otherwise be freaking out about the importance of that one exam on their future as a lawyer.

Without a doubt, the now open-book 2011 LSAT examination will be the most difficult to date.

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Badger Fans Research Ways To Taunt TCU At Rose Bowl

Texas Christian University Wikipediaed 101,237 Times In Wisconsin

MADISON, WI - (The Comedy News) - Immediately following the official announcement of their invitation to the Rose Bowl game, thousands of Wisconsin Badgers football fans looked to Wikipedia to get information about the Badgers' opponent, the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.

"I'm going to the Grand Daddy of 'Em All, the Rose Bowl!" Rejoiced Darren Holland, a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "Whenever the Badgers football team takes the field, it's my duty as a fan to be the most clever, cunning, condescending jerk to the opposing team. When I found out Bucky and the Badgers were playing TCU, I wondered, 'well, they're Christian, they're from Texas, their frogs have horns on them. That could be enough for a vulgar t-shirt and some acrostic poems for poster signs at the game, but I better do some more research.' So like the rest of Badger nation, I went to the most comprehensive source of info: Wikipedia."

Since Texas Christian University is a member of the mediocre-at-best Mountain West Conference, its prominence in the national spotlight has been limited. Wisconsin has proudly been a meddling member of the Big Ten Conference, a highly-competitive and decorated athletic powerhouse known for its ruthless and oftentimes cannibalizing lampoonery of any challengers.

Top Five Must-Know TCU Facts for Wisconsin Football Fans:

1. TCU Horned Frogs' jerseys are purple. Purple is the color of the Minnesota Vikings.
   
2. TCU is in Fort Worth, Texas. Many Badgers fans will spend an obscene amount of unplanned time in Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport as their connecting flights are purposely delayed en route to Los Angeles.
3. The only prominent alumnus of TCU is billionaire John White, founder of 1-800-FLOWERS. This must be how they snaked their way into the Rose Bowl.
   
4. US News & World Report ranks TCU in their "Top Tier" of National Universities. Pff, "Top Tier" doesn't mean anything these days. AT&T is in the "Top Tier" of phone service providers. And AT&T is lousy at best. Where is AT&T based? In Dallas. Dallas is just down the road from Fort Worth. And Fort Worth is the home of TCU.
5. Wisconsin has already played in twice as many Bowl Championship Series football games as TCU: two.

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