"NFL Sit 360" Encourages Fans To Just Sit And Watch Football For 6 Hours A Week

"360 Minutes of Sitting, Eating, and Just Watching TV." 

NEW YORK, NY - (@The Comedy News) - The National Football League is encouraging football fans of all ages to participate in its "NFL Sit 360" program by watching at least 360 minutes of football per week.

"Six hours per week. That's two full football games. That's all it will take for adults to be the lazy, unmotivated, out-of-shape fan we need them to be," an NFL spokesman told reporters. "We at the NFL believe it's important for our fans to commit a full 360 minutes to watching the beautiful game. Join "NFL Sit 360!"

Contrary to this, the NFL made headlines in 2010 by instituting "NFL Play 60", encouraging children to take part in sixty minutes of physical activity per day to combat childhood obesity. For many children, the "Play 60" program led to 420 minutes per week of physical activity which undoubtedly helped keep many children at an optimal weight.

There was a major problem for the NFL with their "Play 60" program. The 420 minute per week mandate that NFL "Play 60" advocated led to a 40% decrease in TV viewership and attendance for NFL football games. This was presumably because parents were driving and supervising their children during their activities, and children were developing interests that did not include sitting and watching NFL football games. From there, the NFL developed their "Sit 360" program.

The TV Commercial Transcribed reads:

"NFL 'Sit 360' wants you to take 360 minutes per week and set it aside. You can sit, lay down, eat, drink, and even surf the internet while you earn your minutes for NFL 'Sit 360'. We know you can do it. You don't even need to get out of bed. We need you do this. Really, we NEED you to. NFL Sit 360."

The primary spokesmen for the NFL "Sit 360" program are former Packers nose tackle Gilbert Brown, former Raider and Buccaneer Warren Sapp, and Super Bowl XX hero William "The Refrigerator" Perry of the Chicago Bears.

John Boehner's Acting Career

House Speaker Played Warden in 'Shawshank Redemption'

WEST CHESTER, OH - (The Comedy News) - In the midst of his third term as a member of Congress for Ohio, then Representative John Boehner took some time to pursue a little-known hobby of his: acting.

In the winter of 1994, Boehner was cast as Warden Samuel Norton of Shawshank Prison, a fictional prison in the state of Maine during the 1940s. There, he would act opposite renowned actors such as Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, and Clancy Brown.

"Making Shawshank was so much fun to do. We in Congress were pretty sure there would be a republican revolution in November, so I made sure that I could take some free time to try a side project," explained the House Speaker. "Stephen King, who wrote the original novella, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, called me on the car phone. Said, 'I want you, John. I want you to be Warden Norton in Shawshank.' I did the role, the flick was great, the rest is history. I also haven't worn thick-rimmed glasses since then. Not my best look!"

The highly acclaimed film was nominated for seven Academy Awards, but did not win a single one of them. The year 1994 did have several classics that Shawshank went up against, such as Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Speed, and Dumb and Dumber.

Speaker Boehner did not indicate that he intends to act anywhere in the near future other than the House of Representatives floor.

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Weather Channel Still Having Capslock Issues

COBB COUNTY, GA - (The Comedy News) - The Weather Channel's capslock woes continue to plague their severe weather advisory notices.

Since 1982, the preeminent voice in weather-related news has been unable to issue severe weather disclaimers using lower-case letters.

"We take severe weather very seriously," explained a Weather Channel employee. "At first, we thought that having a capslock problem with our computers would make our written weather updates look grammatically incorrect."

With the advent of written conversation, capslock is now associated with yelling. The Weather Channel would now like to think that they are yelling all of their severe weather updates.

*****

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David Akers Forced By Team Mates To Dress As Scooby Doo, Wait For Vick

PHILADELPHIA, PA - (@TheComedyNews) - After missing two key field goal kicks in a playoff loss to the Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles placekicker David Akers was forced by his team mates to dress up in a Scooby Doo costume and "wait for a special message from Michael Vick".

It is believed that Eagles quarterback Michael Vick will be avenging the City of Brotherly Love's contempt for Akers' sub-par performance during Sunday's playoff loss. Akers was told to go to the team locker room, alone, and in a Scooby Doo costume. There, Akers will await the arrival Michael Vick with a 'special message'.

"Oh this is not good, not good, nuh uh," trembled Akers while clutching the beige dog tail. "If there's anything Michael doesn't like, it's dogs and playoff defeat. And now I just wreak of both."

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Nicholas Cage Celebrates Birthday With Explosions, Car Chase

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - (@The Comedy News) To celebrate his 47th birthday today, actor Nicholas Cage indulged in setting off an array of explosions and concluding the day with a car chase.

"I fell in love with explosions while making The Rock back in '96. The boom. The bam. The wow. A big fiery ball of incredible. I want lots of those for my big 4-7 birthday," explained Cage while defusing a rocket of VX nerve gas in his Beverly Hills garage. "Birthdays aren't any fun, are they? Join the Nicholas Cage party side! Blow some shit up, whattya say?" He excitedly grinned with his eyes wide open.

Last year on January 7, Cage celebrated his birthday by riding on a U.S. Marshalls plane carrying prisoners to the super-maximum prison in Florence, Colorado. He was disappointed when he learned that he could not set the prison transferees free for his own amusement. Cage's 44th birthday entailed a museum scavenger hunt from Washington, D.C. to Philadelphia, to New York. That party was cut short due to Cage getting arrested for attempting to steal various museum artifacts.

"Travolta and Connery are coming over later on, and we're gonna have a big ol' car chase down Santa Monica Boulevard to Venice. We're gonna wreck half of L.A.! We'll run stop lights and speed through school zones at about 3:00 PM. Connery's got a stolen Humvee, Travolta's gonna drive a police car, and I'll be in a yellow Ferrari."

After Connery leaves to get to bed early, Cage and Travolta are going to keep the birthday celebrations going by switching clothes, IDs, wives, kids, and faces and then leaving on plane to Las Vegas to drink themselves to death.

Los Angeles Bars Will Run Out of Beer on New Year’s Eve

LOS ANGELES, CA – (The Comedy News) – Due to the expected high turnout of Wisconsinites and Texans for the Rose Bowl this weekend, all the bars in the greater Los Angeles area anticipate completely running out of beer by 7:22 PM (PST) on December 31^st.

“The owners of the more than three-thousand bars, taverns, and clubs throughout Los Angeles are pretty nervous about what will happen on New Year's Eve when all of our beer taps run dry,” said Lyle Gonzales-Moore, spokesman for the Southern California Tavern Association.  

Vice President Biden Literally Breaks a Tie in Senate

WASHINGTON, DC - (@The Comedy News) - Vice President Joe Biden came to the U.S. Senate floor today to exude his only real Constitutional duty-- to break ties in the Senate. However, he chose to interpret his Constitutional duty as he had to literally take a necktie and break it into pieces.

When the Vice President arrived on the floor and silently grinned his trademark smile, he pulled out a brand new red and blue-striped necktie and proceeded to break it into pieces with his bare hands.

"Once that tie came out of his pocket, we knew exactly what ol' Joe was gonna do", a Senate Page reported. "We hear stories about how much of a goof he was when he was a Senator. And now, out of forty-seven Vice Presidents in U.S. history, Joe is the first that I know of to come to the floor and rip a tie to pieces---and then defend his behavior as his 'Constitutional duty'.

Article I, Section 3, Clause 4 of the United States Constitution states that “the Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided". There is no mention of neckties.

*****
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Will Smith To Run For Congress, Unsure of Which District

Fresh Prince May Run In Pennsylvania or California

BEL AIR, CA - (The Comedy News) - The Fresh Prince has decided to run for Congress in 2012. His biggest question now is where he claims permanent residence: Bel Air, California or West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?

"West Philadelphia was where I was born and raised," Smith recalled. "I can remember being with friends, relaxing, feeling good about myself. But I also remember there was trouble in that neighborhood, I was into fights, my mom being all scared all the time. That's when I sought refuge in southern California. But West Philly, man, if I could be their voice in Congress, I can really bring some positive changes."

Smith spends most of his time in his uncle's mansion in Bel Air, just north of Los Angeles. Although Smith does not see much that he would need accomplish as a Congressman representing Bel Air, he does think the idea of just being elected for the hell of it would be a "fresh" experience.

"I look at that kingdom, my throne in Bel Air. What is there to change? Nothing! It's pretty fresh. But being a Congressman would make living here a truly honorable, royal time."

So that begs the question, where to run for Congress? The Wild Wild West? Or West Philadelphia?

No clear indication has been made, but the Smith for Congress campaign has set up shops in both Bel Air and West Philadelphia. Smith has tapped longtime friend Jeffrey "Jazzy Jeff" Townes to be his campaign manager.

There have been advertisements appearing along both Sunset Boulevard in Bel Air and Locust Street in West Philadelphia recently. The two main slogans are, "Fresh Congressman. Big Willi Style", and "There's no need to argue, Congress just don't understand."

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Congress Repeals Term-Limit Ban

Senate Votes 61-39 to Repeal "No Term Limits, No Progress" Law

WASHINGTON, DC (The Comedy News) - The US Senate has eliminated a 223-year-old law that forbids Congress from instituting term limits on itself.

The Once Is Enough Act of 2010 was passed 61-39 in the most topsy-turvy bipartisan vote since the declaration of war with Grenada. There were 44 democrats and 17 republicans that voted in favor of the bill that would repeal the law granting unlimited terms for elected members of the House and Senate.

"Today, we are not Republicans versus Democrats, rather we are honest statesmen versus egotistical elitists," exclaimed an anonymous Senator from Oklahoma.

The elimination of unlimited terms for Congress will result in significant changes to the political world. No longer will members of the House and Senate be plagued with the burden of re-election influencing their voting record. Instead, the insincere double-speak will now have an ending point: election day.

Not all members of Congress were thrilled about the repeal of "No Term Limits, No Progress". One Kentucky Senator expressed "profuse disappointment and shame over how apparently 61 members of Congress just don't care at all about their own future and career."

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Packers Coaches Shocked To Learn An Injured Quarterback Can Be Benched

GREEN BAY, WI - (@TheComedyNews) - Following today's morning meeting at Lambeau Field, the Green Bay Packers' coaching staff were astonished to learn that if a starting quarterback is injured, he can be benched for the duration of an entire game.

This revelation began when the team doctor informed the Packers coaches that starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers is not likely to be recovered by this Sunday from his recent concussion.

Upon hearing the injury update on Rodgers, the Packers' coaching staff insisted that starting quarterbacks, no matter how injured, will always play and can never be benched.

When outside linebackers coach Kevin Greene pointed out that coaches can certainly bench an injured quarterback, head coach Mike McCarthy retorted, "no way, nuh uh. The Green Bay Packers do not bench starting quarterbacks under ANY circumstances. You hear me, Greene? Starting quarterbacks must start and play every single game. It's even written into the Green Bay Packers team handbook. Here, here's the bylaw: 'Starting qwarturbakz can dueu anything they want;, --/and they haveta start every single game, even if there enjerd'."

Greene patted McCarthy on the back to calm him down. At that point, Greene pointed out to the head coach that the egregious spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in the bylaw line about quarterbacks indicate that the bylaw was likely inserted into McCarthy's team handbook by none other than Brett Favre circa 2006.

This was likely the reason Brett Favre was able to break the record for consecutive games started by an NFL  quarterback, and keep it going through 2010. 

McCarthy decided at that point that backup quarterback Matt Flynn will be starting the Packers' next game against the Patriots on Sunday night.

 *****
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Morning Person Puts Everyone Else Down Again

TOPEKA, KS -  (@TheComedyNews) - Tuesday was just another day for Bridgette Victorfsky.

She woke up at 5:00 AM, did forty-five push ups and crunches, ran two miles with her dog Cecil, watered her lentil garden, and started preliminary work on her tax returns.

By time she was done with her routine, it was 7:00 AM and time to shower for her job as an analyst at the Monitor Group.

Before even stepping in the shower, Bridgette posted three separate Facebook statuses to alert her social networks of all of the things she accomplished before most of her friends were even awake.

05:25 AM: Cecil's all walked. He pooped twice! Good boy Cecil! Remember, tomorrow's our long run!

05:59 AM: I love watching my OWN food grow. You can't get lentils like this at your Harris Teeter!

06:56 AM: Who's got two thumbs and more of her tax returns done than everyone in America? This girl ;)

As evidenced from Bridgette's status messages, she intended to put down everyone reading them for not being as productive as her on that morning. Each word with each new status update was about herself, with two out of three directly comparing her accomplishments with those of the proverbial reader of her status.

Throughout the morning at the office, Bridgette continued her boasting of morning accomplishments to her colleagues. Even the doorman at the entrance to her office building was a victim of her belittling morning onslaught.

"No one here like her (sic)," lamented the doorman. "Sure it great that Miss Bridgette can do so much in the morning. But no one care! She tell me stories about this, about that. What do I care? Maybe with another hour and a half of sleep, she will stop putting us all down. Her dog Cecil is real jerk too."

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TCU Fans Read Up On Wisconsin

Badgers Should Prepare As Much As Horned Frogs Do For Rose Bowl

FORT WORTH, TX - (DoghouseDaily) - Texas Christian University Horned Frogs fans have done their homework in preparing to share the Rose Bowl Stadium with Wisconsin Badgers football fans on New Years Day.

Top Six Facts TCU Fans Should Know About Wisconsin

1). Wisconsin's mascot, Bucky, is lame because it is named after a dance called "The Bucky". Bucky also sounds like "Buckeye". Wisconsin must be Ohio State Buckeye wannabes.

2). Wisconsin's football stadium is at a place called "Camp Randall". Oh, the cute little Badgers go to camp to play with their friends. Oh so adorable. Don't forget to wear sunscreen and DEET.

3). At the Badgers' training facility, a sign reads, "The Road to Pasadena Starts Here". The only Pasadena they know about is 2,000 miles away in California. Texas has its own Pasadena, just south of Houston.

4). Former Vice-President Dick Cheney went to school at Wisconsin for a year. He knew Wisconsin would just hold him back, so he left school in cheeseland to become Vice-President with George W. Bush--who comes from Texas.

5). The average temperature on New Years Day in Madison is 9.3 Degrees Fahrenheit. There is no way those cheeseheaded Wisconsin fans survive the first half of the Rose Bowl without melting into Badger fondue.

6). The University of Wisconsin is constantly overshadowed by other schools in their Big Ten Conference like Michigan and Northwestern in academics and Michigan and Ohio State in football. Oh yea? There isn't anyone that overshadows TCU in our Mountain West Conference. We're #1! Go Frogs!


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Big Ten Changes Name to Fat Fourteen

University of Chicago and Lake Forest College to Return to Expanded, Renamed Big Ten

PARK RIDGE, IL - (@TheComedyNews) - The Big Ten Conference has expanded for one more time. What started with adding the Nebraska Cornhuskers to their conference in 2010 has resulted with the adding of two additional schools and a name change to the entire conference.

The University of Chicago Maroons, which left the Big Ten Conference in 1946, have returned to the esteemed conference following a 64-year absence. They bring national championship contention football back to the south side of Chicago, along with a natural rivalry with Northwestern University. The Maroons will play their football games at Comiskey Park --the current home to the Chicago White Sox baseball franchise.

The fourteenth addition to the conference formerly known as the "Big Ten" is the Lake Forest College Foresters.

About 115 years ago, officials from Lake Forest College attended the initial meeting of Midwestern universities that led to the creation of the Big Ten Conference. Their spot in the conference, however, was given to the University of Michigan. The Foresters intend avenge this in the form of a rivalry with the Wolverines. Lake Forest will play their football games between the playground and the tennis courts at Lake Forest Park, until a suitable stadium can be financed and built.

The name change from the Big 10 to the Fat 14 is expected to be well-received by all parties involved. "Fat Fourteen Conference" not only accurately reflects the number of teams in the conference, but also is based on the perception held by the East and West Coast television markets in regards to the waistlines of the residents of the Midwestern United States.

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Amos Alanzo Stagg Trophy Amos Alanzo Stagg Trophy 

Facebook Increases Likelihood of Accidental "Poke"

PALO ALTO, CA - (@TheComedyNews) - This week, the world's largest social network, Facebook, got a layout makeover. One of the more notable new features is a "Poke" button placed prominently in the upper right corner of the page.

"We at Facebook want to increase the likelihood of awkwardness by our users. In recent years, the 'Poke' has declined in popularity," one aloof Facebook employee stated. "But now, the Poke button is much bigger, and placed on our page much closer to useful buttons such as 'Profile' and 'Send Message'. There have already been thousands of reports of accidental Pokes by users snooping their friends' profiles."

Once the Poke button is clicked, a prompt pops up on the screen asking the user if they actually want to poke the other profile. Whether the poke is confirmed or not, there is an instant increase in nervousness in the misclicking user. Most of these users complain that if an accidental "Poke" is sent from them to a user who's profile they are snooping, they risk sharing actual, tangible feelings with their Facebook friends.

The official definition of a Facebook Poke is a feature that "can be used for a variety of things on Facebook. For instance, you can poke your friends to say hello. When you poke someone, they will receive a poke alert on their home page." Most Facebook users who utilize the Poke frequently note that they are poking for two main reasons: obnoxiously taunting, or passively courting.

LSAT To Offer Open-Note Exam; Still Just As Difficult

NEWTOWN, PA - (@The Comedy News) - In an effort to make standardized testing more deceptively difficult, the administrators of the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT) decided to make their examinations "open note" for the 2011 year.

The Law School Admissions Council (LSAC) cited that, "the existing examination procedures were coddling test takers too much."

For years, it was a well-known fact that having notes and cheat sheets would not improve LSAT scores at all. And because of that, the LSAC never saw allowing notes at the three-hour exam as yet another deceptive means of throwing off test takers just a little bit more. But by allowing prospective law students to have their own notes during the LSAT, many test takers will be duped into putting more time into preparing their notes rather than studying in the traditional way.

To add further insult to test takers, a new LSAT logo has been unveiled, featuring palm trees in a purple sunset haze. It is expected that this logo will have a calming effect on test takers who would otherwise be freaking out about the importance of that one exam on their future as a lawyer.

Without a doubt, the now open-book 2011 LSAT examination will be the most difficult to date.

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Badger Fans Research Ways To Taunt TCU At Rose Bowl

Texas Christian University Wikipediaed 101,237 Times In Wisconsin

MADISON, WI - (The Comedy News) - Immediately following the official announcement of their invitation to the Rose Bowl game, thousands of Wisconsin Badgers football fans looked to Wikipedia to get information about the Badgers' opponent, the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.

"I'm going to the Grand Daddy of 'Em All, the Rose Bowl!" Rejoiced Darren Holland, a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "Whenever the Badgers football team takes the field, it's my duty as a fan to be the most clever, cunning, condescending jerk to the opposing team. When I found out Bucky and the Badgers were playing TCU, I wondered, 'well, they're Christian, they're from Texas, their frogs have horns on them. That could be enough for a vulgar t-shirt and some acrostic poems for poster signs at the game, but I better do some more research.' So like the rest of Badger nation, I went to the most comprehensive source of info: Wikipedia."

Since Texas Christian University is a member of the mediocre-at-best Mountain West Conference, its prominence in the national spotlight has been limited. Wisconsin has proudly been a meddling member of the Big Ten Conference, a highly-competitive and decorated athletic powerhouse known for its ruthless and oftentimes cannibalizing lampoonery of any challengers.

Top Five Must-Know TCU Facts for Wisconsin Football Fans:

1. TCU Horned Frogs' jerseys are purple. Purple is the color of the Minnesota Vikings.
   
2. TCU is in Fort Worth, Texas. Many Badgers fans will spend an obscene amount of unplanned time in Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport as their connecting flights are purposely delayed en route to Los Angeles.
3. The only prominent alumnus of TCU is billionaire John White, founder of 1-800-FLOWERS. This must be how they snaked their way into the Rose Bowl.
   
4. US News & World Report ranks TCU in their "Top Tier" of National Universities. Pff, "Top Tier" doesn't mean anything these days. AT&T is in the "Top Tier" of phone service providers. And AT&T is lousy at best. Where is AT&T based? In Dallas. Dallas is just down the road from Fort Worth. And Fort Worth is the home of TCU.
5. Wisconsin has already played in twice as many Bowl Championship Series football games as TCU: two.

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US News & World Report Releases Its Own Asinine College Football Poll

It is no surprise which teams are at the top of the new US News & World Report college football poll. The teams strewn throughout the top ten have their own arbitrary and bias-laden reasons to consider themselves the perennial contenders for the National Championship in college football:

1) Princeton Tigers - The top ranking football team for 141 straight seasons due to generously offering to host the first college football game ever.

2) Cal Tech Beavers - Drawing up plans for renovations to the Rose Bowl Stadium will keep the Beavers in top contention as long as the USC engineering department doesn't get the final contract.

3) Michigan Wolverines - The maize and blue are is consistently the only Midwestern college football team that the east coast will acknowledge.

4) Harvard Crimson - Now what would be a US News & World Report list without Harvard in the top 5?

5) Pennsylvania Quakers - The Quakers gridiron gang gets really fired up when you confuse them with Penn State.

6) Oxford Dark Blue - The top rugby club in all of Europe can definitely make a run at the National Championship if they can withstand the weekly jetlag and learn distance in "yards".

7) Iowa State Cyclones - Just kidding.

7) California Golden Bears - The team is like, so chill, man.

8) Yeshiva Maccabees - They are the only college football team to be undefeated on Saturdays. The coaching staff encrypt their playbook by writing right-to-left.

9) Notre Dame Fighting Irish - Does Harvard have an NBC contract? Does Conan O'Brien have an NBC contract? Notre Dame has an NBC contract.

10) Ole Miss Rebels - Between William Faulkner's Nobel Prize-winning literature and Michael Oher's story taking place here in The Blind Side, the Rebels are a academic-football-tearjerker powerhouse.

Never Receiving Votes:
Boise State Broncos, TCU Horned Frogs, Ohio State Buckeyes, Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn Tigers, LSU Tigers, Clemson Tigers, Appalachian State Mountaineers, Vanderbilt Commodores, Utah Utes, New York University Violets, Southern California Trojans, Columbia Lions, Cornell Big Red, Hawaii Warriors, Alaska Nanooks.

-By High Neesniffer

Sexual Assault On Bus Leads to William Madison's Expulsion

Hotel Heir Assaults Third-Grade Teacher On Bus
KNIBB, CA - (DoghouseDaily) - A third grader at Knibb Elementary School, William Madison, was arrested for sexually assaulting his teacher, Miss Veronica Vaughn, during a class field trip. While on a bus en route to Amish Acres Ranch and Stable, Billy (as his friends call him) reportedly walked up to Miss Vaughn on the bus to ask her a question. At that point, Billy feigned falling down and grabbed his teacher's breasts. Some students heard Billy audibly chastising the bus driver's driving, perhaps in an effort to mask his assault as a careless loss of balance.

Miss Vaughn reported the incident to the Knibb Elementary School principal Mr. Max Anderson. Principal Anderson, a former professional wrestler, turned the incident over to local law enforcement. He noted that Billy defended his assault of his teacher by saying that he was "double dared by a friend".

Billy is not new to the public spotlight. As the son of the Madison Hotels' chairman, Brian Madison, Billy is not likely to get any special treatment for the first time in his spoiled life. He will be charged with first-degree assault, will fail the third-grade, never "officially" graduate from school, and his father will be cutting him out of the Madison Hotels trust fund.

Billy has been rumored to be showing interest in becoming a football waterboy at a junior college in Louisiana.

NFL To Eliminate Hard Rock Music From Stadiums

Hard Rock Music Is The Cause Of Violent Helmet-to-Helmet Hits

BALTIMORE, MD - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that the reason there have been many more violent helmet-to-helmet hits recently in the National Football League is because of the increasing amounts of hard rock music at stadiums.

"There is no question that hard rock and thrash metal music makes people really really energetic, pumped up, and fiercely aggressive. Since the wave of new football stadiums equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems have embraced heavy rock music, the number of violent and potentially life-threatening tackles has increased," an NFL official explained. "Once hard rock music stops blaring throughout NFL stadiums, the players will calm down and play the game safely."

The NFL is instructing all thirty-two NFL stadiums to hold "CD burnings" in their parking lots.

In Philadelphia, a 19-foot pile of CDs has already accumulated in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot and 25,000 tickets have been sold for Saturday night's burning session. Many of the common tracks that will no longer be heard at the stadiums include Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train", Kid Rock's "Bawitaba", AC/DC's "Hells Bells", Metallica's "Fuel", P.O.D.'s "Here Comes The Boom", and Disturbed's "Down With the Sickness".

"At the first Super Bowl, the Packers won to the sounds of the University of Michigan's marching band. That was it," noted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "All they needed for a little musical entertainment back then was a marching band. Then the 1990's unleashed a fury of angry smutty hard rock music. Then the dangerous helmet-to-helmet tackles started to multiply. So from now on, the hardest music that will be allowed in football stadiums will be Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger". Dun! Dun, dun dun!"

Study: Email Addresses Are Always Listed In Order of Importance

SAN JOSE, CA - (The Comedy News) - Researchers have concluded that when emails are sent to multiple recipients, the order in which names are listed in the "TO:" field corresponds to how important each recipient is to the sender. Listing email addresses from 'most important to least important' is the order of choice for 94% of email senders.

**Editor's note: email this article to some of your email contacts and see which recipients are most important to you. 

*****
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Prince William of Wales Looks Forward To Life With A Last Name

"My 28 Years of Five First Names and a Prepositional Phrase Are Finally Over"

LONDON, UK - (@TheComedyNews) - A day after officially announcing his engagement to longtime girlfriend, Kate Middleton, Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales remarked that he is eagerly anticipating taking on a last name.

"Kate and I have been discussing my frustration with my grandiose name for quite some time now," said the groom-to-be, grinning and lightly tugging on Kate's pony tail. "We even found lost journals of past princes, kings, and other antiquated rulers of England who expressed profuse yet secret distaste for having a five-piece prepositional royal name. So to go along with our wedding, I will be dropping the 'Arthur Philip Louis of Wales' part, and will be replacing it with just 'Middleton'. Prince William Middleton. My 28 years of five first names and a prepositional phrase are finally over."

The father of the groom, Prince Charles had a more menacing suggestion in regards to his son's surname change.

"My eldest son has a last name, and it's Windsor. We Windsor's just prefer not to use our last name, and we're entitled to doing that, after all, we're royalty. But if Willy prefers mutiny, he should take out the 'Prince' from his name too," sneered Prince Charles. "'Cuz he sure-as-Shakespeare won't be welcome under the roof of my Windsor Castle with that...plebeian name---'Middleton'. Harrumph, I say."

Prince William also noted that the 'of Wales' part would have been too deceiving to the public --- particularly because he and Kate plan on moving to Los Angeles.

Wisconsin Basketball Team Scores First Touchdown In Indiana Blowout

Football Team Turns to Basketball Players For Backups

MADISON, WI - (DoghouseDaily) - As the Wisconsin Badgers football team led the Indiana Hoosiers 59-13 in the third quarter on Saturday, Coach Bret Bielema put players from the men's basketball team in to play out the rest of the game.

"We had exhausted our entire depth chart on the football squad. The third and fourth team guys were tired from scoring touchdown after touchdown all afternoon, so we had to get a little creative with our players," remarked Wisconsin football Coach Bret Bielema. "[Men's Basketball Coach] Bo Ryan's got some of the most versatile athletes ever on the Badgers' basketball team, they were all in the stadium, so I gave Bo the signal to suit-up the boys in helmets and pads."

Players from the men's basketball team were seen between the third and fourth quarters hustling to get into the football attire, obviously too small or too large for most of them. Senior forward, Jon Leuer took the snaps at quarterback, and looked quite comfortable in setting back to pass. Within only a few minutes, the six-foot ten-inch Leuer completed the first touchdown pass by a basketball player in NCAA history. Leuer's pass was caught by center J.P. Gavinski, who sprinted his six-foot eleven-inch tall body 64 yards for the touchdown as he towered over the crippled Indiana Hoosiers defensive backs.

Men's basketball coach Bo Ryan made his NCAA football coaching debut as offensive coordinator, when Paul Chryst handed him the playbook at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Coach Ryan, known for drawing up intricate last-second plays on the basketball court, was not new to calling plays on the football field---he was quarterback for the Chester High School Clippers football team in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

"On my basketball team, my players are taught to be prepared for everything, even fifth-string football. I firmly believe that three-pointers and free-throws are not the only points a Wisconsin Badgers basketball player should be focused on. He should know how to throw a perfect spiral, spot the placekicker, and run for quick first downs. The big thing I beat into my players' heads is that in football, if you score, it's worth up to six points at a time. And in this economy, we need all the numbers we can get."

Most fans were oblivious to the personnel changes on the football field since the substitutions took place while the 80,000-plus fans in Camp Randall Stadium were dancing to House of Pain's "Jump Around".

The NCAA declined to lead an investigation into Coach Bielema and Coach Ryan allowing basketball players to play in a regulation football game, citing that the antics in Madison this past weekend were "simply too awesome to punish."

George Steinbrenner Signs Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Cy Young to Softball League In Hell

OUTER REACHES OF HELL - (The Comedy News) - The former owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, has become the owner of the New Amsterdam Firepirates of the newly formed Major Hell Softball League.

Steinbrenner resumed his management habits as when he was mortal by signing the best of the best available talent to his team.

Players that Steinbrenner has signed to the Firepirates include Roberto Clemente (RF), “Shoeless” Joe Jackson (LF), Mickey Mantle (CF), Lou Gehrig (1B), Honus Wagner (SS), Babe Ruth (DH), Thurman Munson (C), Rogers Hornsby (2B), Eddie Matthews (3B), Cy Young (P), and coached by George "Machine Gun" Kelly. They are the current favorite to win the Netherworld Series in the upcoming season.

Players purposely left off the roster include Sandy Koufax, Hank Greenberg, Walter Johnson, Cal Ripkin, Jr., and Jackie Robinson---most likely due to their congeniality, being a Jew, or still being alive.

It is believed that all of Steinbrenner's players will have to abide by his rules such as keeping well-trimmed hair and abstaining from alcoholic and tobacco products. Satan himself, the commissioner of the Major Hell Softball League, was upset to hear that someone other then himself was instigating controlling vindictive commands at Hell residents. The commissioner threatened to punish Steinbrenner with a century of losing.

An expansion team will be debuting during the upcoming season as well, the East Berlin Lightning, owned by former Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott. Players on the Lightning that will be added to the roster in the near future include Yogi Berra, Pete Rose, John Rocker, Ty Cobb and Roger Clemons. It is believed these players will boost their roster with the apt amounts of crime, stupidity, and malevolence to make a run for the Netherworld Series.

Ferris Bueller Caught in Truancy Scandal

Truant Mr. Bueller

GLENCOE, IL - (@The Comedy News) - Popular teen Ferris Bueller, 17, was caught skipping school this week by the Shermer High School dean of students, Edward Rooney.

Bueller's truancy habits came under fire after Rooney discovered that Bueller had skipped school nine times in that semester alone. If convicted, Ferris is expected to have to repeat his senior year of high school.

"That snot-nose punk is finally mine," rasped Rooney, who is known throughout the halls of Shermer High School for his gruff demeanor and strict adherence for child discipline. 

The people close to Ferris Bueller have taken brash actions against him as well. His ex-girlfriend, Sloan Peterson, took the virginity of Bueller's best friend, Cameron Fry, and reportedly treats him well. Bueller recently coaxed Fry into letting him borrow his father, Morris Fry's 1963 Ferrari GT California without permission. After blaming the Ferrari incident on Bueller, Morris Fry bought Cameron his own Ferrari to drive Sloan Peterson around Chicago in while she completes her senior year at Shermer high.

"I only dated Ferris so I could get to his sexily introverted pal, Cameron," Sloan explained, while receiving a nauseating forehead kiss from Fry.  Sloan, 16, has been spotted dining with her new boyfriend Cameron at five-star restaurants around Chicago, including Chez Luis, and The Billy Goat. 

The parents of Bueller disciplined their truant son by taking away his only livelihood, the computer, until he completes his high school education.

Bueller's older sister, Jeannie, has been seen throwing public fits during her brother's truancy scandal. These fits of rage are most likely triggered by the amount of attention her brother is getting for disobeying both school and parental rules and lack of punishment for them, until now.  One such incident involved a rejected suggestion made by Jeannie Bueller while in the audience at the Second City Improv theater on Wells Street.  Jeannie suggestions repeatedly were, "This is stupid and you all suck".  It took two Chicago police officers armed with tasers to remove Jeannie Bueller from the theater. 

There are rumors in the Chicago area that Jeannie has been dating out-of-work actor Charlie Sheen ---very likely to cause additional shame to both Ferris and the entire Bueller family.

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Millions of Conan Fans Scramble to Figure Out What Channel Is TBS

ATLANTA, GA - (DoghouseDaily) - On any given night, the bulk of TBS' viewership comes from people who are just channel surfing and happen to stumble upon some mediocre programming. Tonight, millions of excited Conan O'Brien fans will frantically scramble to figure out what channel on their cable box is TBS.

"We never really put much effort into advertising for our programming," a TBS insider noted, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "Here at TBS, our ratings come from that lonely bored everyman demographic who is probably sitting on a couch or futon, surfing the TV guide, and happens to see a show that is moderately interesting. When we approached the Conan show, we decided to try things differently, and advertise for a change. Only problem is, well, no one really memorizes the channel number for TBS."

The Conan viewers that are likely to have the least amount of trouble locating TBS on their cable box include Atlanta Braves fans, Shawshank Redemption enthusiasts, and longtime fans of the now defunct World Championship Wrestling Monday Nitro. Either way, the Conan premiere on TBS is expected to be the biggest planned TBS-watching night of all time.

Today In History - 55 Years Ago - New Kid Wearing Red Life-Vest Gains Popularity Quickly

NOVEMBER 5, 1955

A new kid named Calvin Klein unexpectedly moved to the southern California town of Hill Valley. Within only a few days, he was seen among localites such as crackpot Emmitt Brown, science-fiction geek George McFly, sheltered sweetheart Lorriane Bains, and school bully Biff Tannen. Klein was last seen playing the electric guitar with the house band at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" Dance held at the high school gymnasium a few days later. No one has seen or heard from him since.

From the Creators of The Comedy News!

Democrats Expected to Lose House, Senate & Presidency; Gain Supreme Court

Election 2010

(The Comedy News) - Only one day before the mid-term elections of 2010, Democrats are gearing up to pack up their desks, as most experts are predicting that they will lose control of the House, Senate, and Presidency.

After two years of complete control over Congress and the White House, Democrats have lost so much of the public's confidence that unprecedented electoral losses will ensue.

Even though President Obama is not up for re-election until 2012 (hence, 2010 being "mid-term" elections), ballot boxes nationwide are filling up with votes to replace the 44th President with a more conservative, vindictive, less articulate commander-in-chief.

It is not all losses for the Dems, however. Although the Dem losses in the House and Senate likely be fair and square, the constitutionality of voting out a President after two years by stuffing ballot boxes with snarky comments is coming under legal scrutiny. Because of this, Democrats are very likely to pick up seats in the Supreme Court.

Once again, since Supreme Court Justices are not directly appointed by the voters, the Dem's reclamation of a majority of liberal Justices on the Supreme Court via direct election will reinforce the complete and total political quagmire that will dictate American politics for the next 730 days.

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NY Yankees To Be Special Guest Umpires for World Series

A-Rod Umpire Jersey Becoming a Top Seller

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - (The Comedy News) - The New York Yankees won't be absent from the 2010 World Series after all.

Due to the low ratings from games one and two between the San Francisco Giants and Texas Rangers, Major League Baseball has been forced to change things up to make sure the World Series meets anticipated revenues. Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that the New York Yankees will be special guest umpires for games three and four of the World Series.

This groundbreaking impromptu move has sparked bitter jealousy by the Philadelphia Phillies players, who still have not been given an explanation as to why the American League Championship Series loser, the Yankees, got the special guest umpire invitation, and not the loser of the National League Championship Series, the Phillies.

Still, the Alex Rodriguez limited-edition umpire jersey is now the top-selling item at the MLB's online store. A-Rod's ump jersey is expected to be the must-have Christmas gift during the upcoming holiday shopping season.

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Colbert-Stewart Rally Expected To Ruin Halloween Party Attendance Nationwide

WASHINGTON, DC -  (The Comedy News) - This weekend, the "Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear" hosted by comedians Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart is expected to cause a significant dip in attendance at college Halloween parties.

Typically, the Saturday of Halloween weekend is christened with hundreds of thousands of debaucherous costume parties, particularly at large college campuses such as the University of Wisconsin-Madison, University of California-Santa Barbara, and North Carolina State University.

A vast number of those who typically host and attend such Halloween festivities are abandoning makeup and jelloshots in favor of attending the big political rally in Washington, DC. The comedians, Colbert and Stewart, have been the premier voices in galvanizing young politically-minded voters.

The excitement surrounding their upcoming rally on the National Mall is already encroaching on Halloween parties. Costume stores have reported that the most popular outfits being sold at costume stores have been tiny political buttons and sarcastic trucker hats embroidered with slogans such as "Tea Parties Are About Sharing", and "Let's Keep the Change".

Last-minute efforts are being arranged via Facebook statuses to get college students to care less about politics, and support the sacred tradition of getting belligerently intoxicated and dressing up like film characters from the early 1990s.

Currently, the Facebook event "Rally to Restore Buffoonery" is scheduled to take place on Saturday, October 30 from 12:00 AM through October 31 at 3:00 AM at 'Whereverthehellyougotocollege, CA'. So far, there are 24 confirmed attendees, and 17.5 million invitees listed as 'awaiting reply'.

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Favre Buys iPhone, Leaves NFL To Focus on His Texting Career

Need to Get a Crusty, Whining, Erratic, Narcissistic NFL Legend to Retire? There's An App For That

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN - (DoghouseDaily) - Following a last-second Sunday Night Football loss to his former team, the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre did what he has always done each week since joining the Minnesota Vikings: spend Monday morning window shopping at the Mall of America in Bloomington to "clear his mind". And by mid-Monday afternoon, Favre became the owner of a new iPhone 4, and decided that it was time to retire from football for good.

"Typically, I don't buy anything when I go Mall of America, except for five or six slices of Sbarro pizza. But after last night's loss in Green Bay, I just had this itch to play around in the Apple store. That's when I saw that awesome touch-screen phone," said the three-time National Football League Most Valuable Player. "I looked at the ESPN App, read the news about last night's loss. But most of the news was about my voicemails and texting with a New York Jets employee. That's when I knew it. Today's the right time to leave the NFL and focus exclusively on texting."

Clad in a Vikings hoodie sweatshirt and an Atlanta Falcons warm-up jacket, Favre reiterated that it is all too clear now that a career in texting and voicemailing various enticing individuals is far more lucrative and time-sensitive than being a football legend.

Favre's seventeen-year career has withstood thousands of vicious tackles, chronic thumb and ankle injuries, Super Bowl triumph, three devastating NFC Championship losses, an adulterous lifestyle, and a pain killer addiction. It is perfectly fitting that the sole entity in the universe with the power to get Favre to quit football is an iPhone.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is expected to make an announcement any day now that Favre has signed on to becoming the primary spokesman for Apple's next advertisement campaign for the iPhone. Various websites have leaked the anticipated voice-over for upcoming commercials: "There is nothing iPhone can't do. Need to get a crusty, whining, erratic, narcissistic NFL legend to retire? There's an App for that."

Anti-Washington Candidate Vows, "If Elected, I Won't Even Set Foot in DC"

FOX VALLEY, WI - (The Comedy News) - Congressional candidates aiming to unseat incumbents this fall all have a very common rallying cry: they all pledge to be "anti-Washington".

One Senate candidate, Ron Johnson (R-WI), has vowed that if he is elected, he will not even set foot in our nation's capitol.

"The problem with politicians is they all go to Washington to be a congressguy. Well when I'm elected, I am not going to DC at all. Heck, I'm not even going to consider picking up my telephone and talking to anyone in that swampy vortex of reality," Johnson declared while shaking his fist in the air.

Johnson then adjusted his tie and patted his hair down and continued, "I'm different than all of these same old, same old scumbags that we elect to represent us in Washington. I pledge to be different than any other congressguy in history. When I'm Senator Johnson , I won't ever, and I mean EVER set foot in DC. Golly, I won't even leave the confines of Wisconsin, just to prove it to ya."

Typically, politicians say that they are "anti-Washington" to show that they will not allow lobbyists to slither into their offices to skew lawmaking, they will resist the temptation to vote only with their party, and that they will pursue issues that will make a positive, helpful difference to the people of their home states. Most politicians say the same thing, but in much congenial language, for example: "I will never forget where I come from and who I work for".

A local editorial board had the opportunity to ask a series of questions of Johnson. The editorial board (EB) was curious about the rules of congress---particularly the whole "must be present to vote" rule --- and how those rules would impact his "anti-Washington" pledge, Johnson became increasingly infuriated:

EB: "In order to cast votes as an elected member of Congress, you must be present to vote. How do you plan on representing your constituents if you refuse to set foot in the U.S. Capitol, let alone Washington, DC?"

Johnson: "Well you must be from Washington...that's a Washington question."

EB: "So you plan on changing the rules? How can you change the rules if you won't even be there to introduce, debate, and vote for legislation to even legalize voting for bills from a remote location?"

Johnson: "You just don't get it. You're just another another pro-DC monster, aren'tcha?"

Running as an Republican candidate, Johnson is currently leading his Democrat opponents the polls by an average of 16%. He is expected to win in a landslide.

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Republicans and Democrats Reach Compromise on Springsteen

Republicans Overwhelmingly Favor "Born in the USA", while Dems Rock out to "The Rising"

ASBURY PARK, NJ - (The Comedy News) - When it comes to finding musical anthems for political campaigns, candidates have not looked much further than Bruce Springsteen.

Republicans and Democrats have reached a compromise on what Bruce Springsteen songs they will be repeating over and over throughout campaign season: republicans will begin and end their rallies to the sounds of "Born in the USA", while democrats will swoon with hope while bobbing to "The Rising".

Political scientist Dr. Edward Cooper from the University of Southern California was the lead arbitrator who officiated the negotiations between the democrats and GOP.

"The campaign song is vital to getting the voters to support you. And Springsteen's music is the perfect cocktail of generic, unoffensive, yet tritely inspiring sounds that provide just enough distraction from the critical issues," Dr. Cooper reported in a written statement. "Right after the candidates finish their bland speeches, there is little time to let voters think critically for themselves, so the music starts to play. And once Springsteen's music starts to infect them, another vote is very likely to be locked up."

"Born in the USA has been a favorite song of republicans for many years," says Republican strategist, Dorothy Zampowski who led the Springsteen Summit negotiations for the GOP. "That the lyric, 'Born in the USA, I'm a cool rocking daddy in the USA' has resonated very well for republicans in tight races. The words "cool", "rocking", and "daddy" are all by definition unrelated, especially amongst us pro-war guys."

Zampowski continued, "...but when them words are aligned together and paired with the hum-dum-dum of Springsteen's guitar, it really draws in any wavering GOP voters. Let's not forget that the main jewel of this song is the title---BORN in the USA---which evokes strong emotions about natural-born citizenship. The song is about being Born in the USA! And you know how much we republicans love our Presidents to be born in the USA."

Democrats' use of the song, The Rising, has come to symbolize the democrats' strategies in several ways.

"The ambiance. Man, the ambiance," reflects unemployed democratic strategist Ted Kankerton. [Singing] "Can't see nothin' in front of me, can't see nothin' coming up behind. It's all like, 'li li li li li li li'! Whatever politician can march out to the sounds of this! Man, they are the man."

Kankerton's inexplicable reasoning comes at a time when democrats can hardly articulate what concrete issues they stand for---besides just being socially progressive, holding hands, looking to the sky with wretched indecisiveness, and basically doing all things good and respectful onto others.

Simple tangible evidence, the kind that typically woos republicans, is also nowhere to be found in the lyrics to 'The Rising'.  One atheist, Marxist dem noted, "the best part about the lyrics is that they are much more creative, deeper, poetic, and meaningful, which has kept us democrats from being able to relate to the conservatives who only care about being 'born in the USA'".

Attempts to contact Bruce Springsteen directly were not immediately returned. However, his most recent Twitter entry may be indicating an independent run for political office: "Soul patches, red white and blue wall paper, secret gardens, and glorious days. A Different Kinda Jersey Guy. Vote for The Boss in 2016! "

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